Grey Room (Rin)

Grey Room


“Hey Nakai, you coming?” Someone yells. I look up from my book, a group of my dorm mates are headed out, probably to another night at the bars around town.

“Nah, I'll take a raincheck.” I reply, glancing at the clock. “Besides, I'm expecting a call.”

The one nearest to me grins. “The girlfriend, huh?”

“The ball and chain.” I reply, but I smile to let them know I'm joking. “Good luck.”

“Man, where we're going, we don't need luck.” They turn to leave, and soon I'm alone in the common room. Just me, my book, the ticking of the clock on the wall. And the thoughts that are now bouncing around my head. Thoughts of my life here at university. Thoughts of Rin.

It hasn't been easy, going to separate schools. Who would have thought that colleges with both a good arts program and a good science one were hard to find? But we had made it work. It's working. Or at least, I'm pretty sure it is.

I guess I don't know. And that bothers me. It's hard to find enough time to make a trip over to visit Rin, and she's not really the type to come visit me. Ha, I wouldn't mind seeing her try to insert her ticket at the train station with her mouth. But, only if I was there to see it, if that makes sense. It's not that Rin is weak, it's not that she's stupid, either. I just don't want her to put herself in any kind of danger just to see me.

So that leaves me here, now stewing in my thoughts, sitting in this worn out chair. She's going to call tonight, though, we have that planned. I could call her, but there's no guarantee that she would be in any position to answer. So instead, we talk on her terms. Is it enough? Often enough, long enough? Damn it. I don't know.

I can only imagine what life is like for her, at her art school in Tokyo. When I've visited she seems pretty happy, and when we talk she sounds fine. But this isn't like back at Yamaku, when we were just a dorm building apart, when we saw eachother every day. This is hard. With all the distance between us, it's hard to know, it's hard to be sure. About a lot of things.

Is she just putting on a happy front? Are things still all right between us? Does she miss me, too?

Feeling lousy, I pull out my phone and flip it open, staring at the background. One of her paintings that she'd done before we graduated. Nomiya said it was probably worth a lot, but she gave it to me, it's in my room. I still don't know what the hell it means. But she made it, for me, for us. Rin.

Rin, I miss you. I need to hear your voice, that deadpan tone, those words that I've been having to try less and less to understand over the time we've been together. Are we really on the same page? I don't know, I think I would probably start getting concerned talks from my friends and classmates if I always acted like I was. But we're getting there, we're getting there, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Except, maybe, for her to call me right n--

Well that's convenient. My phone starts ringing, I immediately press the button to accept and raise it to my ear.

“Hello.” I can't think of anything else to say. There's a silence for a moment, I can hear the faint hiss of static.

“Hello.” A familiar voice replies.

“Hello, Rin.”

We launch into our--her, really--version of small talk. We cover all the basics as best as we can, what's new, what's old. She says she's heard from Emi, she's doing well. Her art professors are pleased with her progress, I told her that I almost blew something up in lab class the other day. She asks if I could blow something down if I wanted, and I reply that maybe that could be extra credit.

“Can I see you?” I decide to break away from talk that doesn't matter to me as much right now.

From the other end of the phone, Rin pauses. She could be lying on her side, her ear pressed to the receiver, or some other method of holding it. I don't think she's quite flexible enough to do it with her feet. Either way, she says nothing for a few long moments.

“No.” She replies at last. “Phones do not work that way.”

“I mean, can I come visit?”

“Can you?”

“I can, yeah. If you want me to. If you'll have time for me.”

“Time is a concept.” She replies. “I don't know how to make it because it doesn't exist.”

“When did that ever stop you before?” I try to joke, but the line goes dead for almost a minute straight. Maybe she's thinking about it too hard.

“Rin.”

“I'm still here.” She says softly.

“So you are. And I want to see you. Because I miss you.”

Another pause. Come on, Rin. Come on, come on, say it, I need to hear you say it. I know you're not that strange, I know you're not that alien, you can--

“I miss you too.” She says at last.

I close my eyes at her words. There. There. That wasn't so hard, was it? I needed to know that. That was all I wanted. Well, that and to see her.

“This weekend. Can I come over?”

“Yes.”


I can't manage to relax at all during the train ride over. I had to cancel and agree to make up a bunch of things just to get the time to do this, it's been too long since I've seen her. It's been too long, what if I get there and she's changed? What if her school has been putting her under a lot of pressure, what if it's her art exhibition all over again, but this time she doesn't have me to help her pick up the pieces?

Does she even need me? Am I being stupid, am I not trusting her enough? No, no, I put my thoughts aside. There's nothing I can do about it until I get there, until I see her. I can't know anything for sure.

I wish this train would go faster.


Students buzz around me on all sides, fashionably dressed and chatting. This university is about the same size as mine, but the layout is completely different and it's much more urban. I've been here a bunch of times before with Rin, but I never bothered to memorize the grounds. I didn't care about them, all I cared about was her.

Rin. We hadn't agreed on a meeting place, I guess I was just going to find her here. But as I look around, none of the faces are familiar, I don't see any mops of short, auburn hair, or vacant sleeves, tied off at the ends. My gut begins to clench as I start to think about all the things I'll need to make up back at my own school, just so I could afford to come here and screw this up.

“Are you looking for someone?” A voice asks from behind me.

“Yeah, I--” I turn around. Standing there is Rin, none other. She's wearing a thick coat, and the biggest grin I think I've ever seen her make.

I can't even manage a response, I just stand there staring in almost shock at the look on her face. I've probably seen her smile like this, this wide, this bright, her entire face shining with happiness, maybe a handful of times before. Maybe less.

I was an idiot. I've been an idiot. And I'm sorry.

Before I say anything else, I step forward and wrap my arms around her, pulling her close to me. Rin stares up at me with bright curiosity, her grin fading only the tiniest bit into a warm smile.

“You're hugging me, Hisao.” She says, inspecting me with those green eyes that seem to go on for miles in their depth.

“Yeah.” I manage to reply, feeling myself returning her smile. “So I am.”


Later that evening, we're sitting on the floor of her study. Blotches of paint are everywhere, even on the ceiling, and paintings, some almost finished, some little more than a single stroke, are littered all around. But the most important thing is that Rin sits in my lap, facing me, her head resting against my chest and her legs curled around my back. We sit there in absolute silence, no need to say anything. We just want to be here, we just want to know. To know that we're here for eachother. To know that we still mean a lot, maybe everything, to eachother.

I lay my head on hers, and I know that she's still here for me. And I'm still here for her, and I'm going to be, for as long as I can imagine, for as long as I can stand on my own two feet, and when I can't stand anymore, I'll crawl to her side.

I've still got her. She's still got me. Time hasn't changed that, maybe nothing can change that. I hope so, anyway.

The room we're in is cold and the night outside beyond the window is cold too, but all we need is eachother to stay so warm.






“Grey Room” is a song by Damien Rice.