Jester-Anon One-Shot

>Day Jester in Equestria
>Wake up with a Golden Sun as usual striking your face through the window
>One of these days you are gonna tear down that wall and just replace it with lame wood that you might find on the Everfree
>Better than having those Sun-rays on your face everyday
Hey, why are you describing my thoughts as if I was a Grumpy Old Fuck?
>"Because you are, that`s how today`s story is going to be, dildo-face"
No, you know what? No. That`s not going to be like that. Today I woke up really happy, and I want to share my happyness with the peop- err ponies.
>"Oh goodness no, not again..."
And what better way to do it than-
>"Being a Jester?"
No, you dingus! Tell jokes and make people smile like Pinkie does!
>"Okey, first your jokes are crap. Not like the crap you eat everyday, but worse. Like crap you might find on a 200 years old French Dumpster"
But-
>"And second, Pinkie doesn´t make ANYONE smile, the last time I had to deal with her, I wanted to break my legs and then OD myself until death, JEEZ!"
Well that wasn´t very nice...
>"Deal with it, now please get grumpy so we can begin this once and for all"
NO can do Mayor, told you how I want to be today, and nothing will change that!
>"FINE! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT" *Angry stair stepsounds* "You little piece of fungus, did I really quit McKing to work here? Jesus Fucking Christ..."
Welp, Guess I`ll be the narrator now!
>Then a huge pile of bacon appeared in front of Anon!
>...
>...
Where is my bacon!?
>ERROR, STORY CANNOT BE DERAILED ANYMORE
Well I didn`t know I was Clive Owen...
>"https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s"
Wuzzat?
>...
Oh well, nevermind. Guess I`ll just keep going with the morning routine and then head outside before Fluttershy comes around
>So you head downstairs and go to the bathroom
>As ponies have difficulties using stairs, the houses are usually build with a bathroom downstairs
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=vZpoGTEwd84#t=71s
>When you found Twilight`s video entitled "Twilight`s first stairs", your sides travelled the world just to stop on the same spot again and die from air collission
Well, they would have met their fate anyways, didn`t matter which side they choose...PFFMM hehhe
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s
There is that sound again! Where is it coming from?
>You decide to forget about that Quacker for now
Heheheh...Quacker
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s
Damn you!
>Anyways, just head to the bathroom, have a fine showering time, following a nice shaving and last but not less... Shit Fluttershy...
>No, but really, Fluttershy is in your bathroom now
Erm...Fluttershy...
>"Yes sweetie?" She replies while playing dumb
Why are you in my bathroom?
>She just stares at your crotch without answering
>She literally put her head inside the toilet while you are sitting taking a dump
>You push her head away and tell:" [spoiler] [/spoiler] Fluttershy, get the hell away from here! I am in a good mood today, don`t ruin it!
>She takes a few steps back but doesn`t leave
>The nerve of this mare...
Fluttershy, you know what? Looks like I am about to be single
>"R-Really? W-w-What do you mean?"
Becase I`m about to break with my nerves
>...
>...
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s
>She just stares at you
Get it? Because you are giving me a nervous breakdown?
>"Do you have a duck here or something Anon? I-I think I just heard a duck"
>...
Fuck you...
>Get up, clean your ass and drag her outside
>Go upstairs again and dress up
>Can`t dress down unless you were Robbie Williams on an ice disco
>...
Oh well, no duckie this time. Good riddance
>Skip the breakfast today, with Fluttershy in your house it would end up being a mess and it will ruin your mood
>Head out to see Twilight, she is always Grump, and you are not so Grump today, that`s gotta be something
>Meet with Lyra on your way
>"Heya sexy human! Where are you going with those hands of yours?" says she while lusty-staring at you
>This mare would kill for your hands
>But let us not worry about that for today
>Easy and Jokie Anon, easy and jokie..
Well thank you for admiring my beatiful hands, still haven`t done the manicure yet
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s
Not again damnit!
>"Wha-? Eh.. I gotta go Anon, see ya!" With that, Lyra takes her leave
>Meh, she is too soft for your hardcore jokes anyway
>Continue walking to Twilight`s home
>It`s odd that she lives in a giant fucking tree
>Combined with her personality, she has well earned the title of egghead
>You left her planted one day and she was furious with you
>Looks like she doesn`t like being left [spoiler]hanging from the branch[/spoiler]
>[spoiler]>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s[/spoiler]
I DON`T KNOW WHO OR WHAT YOU ARE, BUT IF YOU KEEP QUACKING AFTER MY JOKES, I WILL FIND YOU, AND I WILL DROWN YOU!
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRH!
>Decide to shut your mouth and ask Twilight about this
>Once you reach her house, you push Spike aside and he shouts at you
>"Why the hurry?! You left my vision blurry!"
>What the...
>Did Spike just rhyme?
Did you just rhyme?
>"I don`t know what that has to do, with you being such a meanie dude!" he rhymes again
Jeez man, that sounds like it`s coming from a pussy, did you eat a cat or something?
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s
>Scream Internally
>And externally
OH MY FUCKING GOD!
>"Is that a duck what I just heard? I am asking just to make it clear. I have this problem since this morning, Twilight forgot how to cast a spell and now I sound like a pony eating in Cho-Ming"
[spoiler]http://chomings.foodpages.ca/[/spoiler]
What the hell is that anyway?
>"A pony restaurant like no other, Scootaloo recommends it because of it´s chicken offers!"
No thank you, If I wanted to eat chicken then I could just visit Fluttershy
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s
>*Grrr*
>This is beyond frustrating and annoying, you leave Spike there with his stupid rhymes and go upstairs to see Twilismo
>You open the door and find her on the bed watching a sphere
>"I knew you were coming here Anon" She says without taking her eyes out of the sphere
What do you mean Twilight?
>"Did you wonder why a "cuack" sounds everytime you make a joke?"
>Now she moves her head just a little to have you on her sight
How did you..
>"Oh, I know many things Anon, specially the things that I do"
>Oh so SHE was the one that made those stupid noises after your great jokes!
Why you little piece of...
>"Ah-ah-ahhh!" I´d watch that language if I were you Anon, we are on Ponyville, use good words, it´s funnier that way. I am just taking care of you Anon."
>She leaves the sphere and tells you to get closer
>You do that while thinking of how to kill her
>Maybe you could sofocate her with the pillow
>And once she´s dead rise up from the bed and say "I always thought that you could use a little nap"
>[spoiler]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KABBcJLPonA#t=8s[/spoiler]
You got to be fucking kidding me Twilight...
>"Joking on your mind? I don´t think so Anon. Wanna know why I casted this spell on you?"
>She gets closer to your ear and screams
>"BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A 5 MONTHS OLD FILLY!"
>That´s gotta leave you deaf for a long long time
>"But at least I found a way to stop you from joking like this, and before using my ace, I decided to have a little fun with this spell"
What did you do Twiight?
>This mare is scary
>She can basically do anything she wants and leave unscarred
>"Come" She says while showing you the sphere "See by yourself"
>Leaning closer to the sphere you manage to see the figure of Princess Celestia herself, and then she speaks
>"As Princess and with all the power that comes with the title, I declare that the next joke told by Anonymous the Human, will be sentenced to a rape day with the Element of Kindness"
>With that, the sphere explodes and look at Twilight
You really think Fluttershy could do something to me? Come on Twilight, I basically avoided her almost all the day. I only saw her in the morning while taking a shit!
>"We´ll see Anon, but remember, you have been warned"
>With that, she teleports you outside your houses
>Stupid ponies, they ruined your mood

>*THE NEXT DAY*
>Wake up and go to the bathroom for the morning routine
Wo WO wOO! Pal, come down. You came back with a hurry or something?
>"I just came today for the morning routine, so do this quick, I want to enjoy it before I go"
Ok Ok, Jeez...
>Go downstairs and brush your teeth
>It´s good that Colgate always advice you to constantly brush your teeth
>However it´s kinda weird, so much brushing
>What does she think, that you are a shoe or something?
>Heh
>Oh crap, the warning!
>Left...Right...
Hehe... I knew this ponies were just bluffing, not even a duck..
>Look down and spit
>Stare at the mirror and your heart skips 10 beats
>You only manage to catch a glimpse of FLuttershy leaning closer to you from behind and shw whispers at your ear
>"CUACK"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH