COACHELLA 2015

DAY 1 HIGHLIGHTS:
>Haerts crowd beheads a Stormtrooper, impales him on a stick
>Cloud Nothings mixer says FUCK YOU to his job as a mixer
>Reverend Horton Heat heat-up Coachella like the psychobilly freaks that they are, channel their inner Lil B by singing about weed and cooking
>Janelle Monae turns white, transforms into Wonder Woman to recruit CeCe Peniston tribute band, goes Cuckachella with the introduction of Joey Bada$$
>Sylvan Esso being this year's closest equivalent to Grouplove
>EVERYONE is a fucking cuck, want Charles Bradley's chocolate dick so bad, too bad it belongs to Jesus and Jesus only
>George Lopez outta fucking nowhere in Bronson's set
>Kimbra being a Disney princess mixed with crack, complete with nip slips
>obligatory momrock can suck my cock
>cameramen orgasming during Ghostface's set
>Alabama Shakes keeping the funky soul alive after Charles Bradley
>Keys & Krates tryina pull a Moby, no chance, DJ Snake too busy blowing them out of the water
>Joy Division Tribute Band being pretty strong with their set (for a Joy Division tribute band)
>tfw no qt3.14 Gorgon City gf's
>no one really caring bout Azealia "burn & crucify white people" Banks cause her set pre-recorded lel
>Tame Impala is hands down the best band in the world right now. They are not pretty good, they are pretty incredible. But more than just how good they are, They-
>Porter Robinson going OPN-lite
>Nero wearing fedoras, still offer the night's best EDM performance by far (except for /sp/artans who prefer DJ Snake)
>RIDE, SUPPORTED BY PIKACHU AND A MILF, ENGAGE IN AN EPIC BATTLE AGAINST THE VILLAINOUS MIXER
>Todd Terje closing the day with a chill as fuck set, melts everyone's rage about Ride's mixer away

DAY 2 HIGHLIGHTS:
>JOYCE MANOR BTFO BY PARQUET COURTS
>Clean Bandit, joined by Marina & the Diamonds, robbing everybody's dicks with their qtness
>Lights shares she has picks in her bra, advises it's the best way to keep them
>Benjamin Booker robs white man of his indie, based mustachio guy is being based
>Perfume Genius' crowd being the size of his dick
>le Kiesza face strikes back during Toro Y Moi's set
>SAINT PAUL AND THE BROKEN BONES FLARING COACHELLA UP WITH THAT FAT WHITEY SOUL BABY
>literally Area 51 over on Chet Faker's set
>Yelle and her pajama booty jiggles
>oy wey jew dance by giant feet haim girl on Hoizer set
>villainous mixer striking down Old Religion
>KILLER MIKE DROPPING THEM CRAZY MOVES, CROWD IS HYPE AS FUCK, DROP ZACH DE LA ROCHA, DESPOT, TRAVIS BARKER, GANGSTA BOO, LIE, CHEAT, STEAL, KILL, WIN, BTFO /pol/ & FERGUSON, END SET WITH BROMANCE
>Glass Animals being sexy as fuck
>Belle and Sebastian being unbearably white & indie, end set with crowd circus on their stage
>Alt-J being a blunder
>FJM refuses photography, points at camera, praises white Jesus, gets a crowd chick to use for live sexual ritual
>Duke Dumont having a qt drummer, Jake Gylenhaal & Martin Garrix spotted within the crowd
>Jungle playing soul music instead of str8 white label riddims, fucking dropped
>villainous mixer claiming Jack White as latest victim, black drummer getting more camera time than Jack himself
>Tyler getting pomf =3-y on his stage, makes a bunch of threats & spouts a bunch of memes, announces Puppy Killer side-project
>Gramatik being funky with live bass & trumpet & a fat fedorian
>Twigs falling prey to villainous mixer, doing the snake seduction dance
>Deorro featuring dancing pandas
>the weeknd makes grills wet everywhere, rehashes old shit, /mu/ reminisces
>Ratatat rocking the fuck out, he & Terje from day 1 = best & chillest closers 10/10

DAY 3 HIGHLIGHTS:
>Coke fiend singer of the Orwelles fascinated by cordless technology, singlehandedly breaks the cringe scale
>Circa Survive singer legit sounds like a woman, deephtroats mic, reks Drake fan
>MO being qt
>kevinspaceyface.png on RAC set, obligatory qt's mention
>YEEHAW STURGILL SIMPSON GOIN IN HARD PARDNER
>villainous mixer strikes Meme Demarco's stream, goofman brings out "Steve Aoki" on stage for like 5 seconds, covers Bob Memerley for like 5 seconds, brings out Eric Andre for penis theremin solo (literally)
>Panda Bear begins set by murdering a guest on stage, EDM brocrowd confused by what they hear 'cept for panda cosplayers, cameraman being higher than fuck
>Tycho & the Tychos chilling Coachella out with Mazda commercial themes
>more HAIM on stage (now featuring my mom and her band)
>Martin Solveig performs Sweatin' to the Oldies with bitches, contests set with Orwells for cringe title
>obligatory Marina & the titties partial set (they were good while they lasted ;_;)
>Cribs singer trying to channel johnny rotten and failing horribly
>Madeon: flailing french shrimp somehow still better than every other EDM set
>STROMAE BEING SMOOTHER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER, DIES ON STAGE & RESURRECTS SHORT AFTER TO SAVE DAY 3 & COACHELLA 2015 IN GENERAL FROM BEING AN ABSOLUTE DISASTER
>St. Vincent - /x/'s favorite waifu, mad sexual tension with asian guitar chick
>Florence being topless
>David Ghetto inventing brojazz live on stage, getting the crowd more hype from jack whites songs than jack white can
>Coachella lures thousands of peoples onto stream 1 with promise of Drake, casts Gaslamp Killer's neverending demonic spells on them (SATAN IS KING)
>Drake finding a way, is consumed by villainous mixer, MADONNA FACERAPING HIM ON STAGE, THAT NIGGA GONNA CRY HIMSELF TO SLEEP TONIGHT
>Odesza starting set with romans, has more guests than Drake already
>MADONNA CONFIRMED FOR DEMON GASSLAMP WERE TRYING TO SUMMON, HER SNEAK ATTACK KISS OF DEATH KILLS ALL 3 STREAMS FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES
>Jamie XX keeping up with Todd Terje & Ratatat from day 1 & day 2 respectively, closes day (and Coachella 2015) with a chill set

********************************************SCHEDULES AND SET GUIDE********************************************

(good sets marked with *)

DAY 1
3:35PM: Haerts — Channel 1 *
3:35PM: Eagulls — Channel 2
3:35PM: Cloud Nothings — Channel 3 *
4:10PM: Reverend Horton Heat — Channel 1 *
4:25PM: Brant Bjork and the Low Desert Punk Band — Channel 2
4:50PM: George Ezra — Channel 1
4:55PM: Kiesza — Channel 3 *
5:20PM: Sylvan Esso — Channel 2
5:30PM: Charles Bradley and his Extraordinaires — Channel 1 **********************************
6:10PM: Kimbra — Channel 2 *
6:20PM: The War On Drugs — Channel 1
6:45PM: Hot Natured — Channel 3
7:10PM: Raekwon and Ghostface Killah — Channel 2 *
7:10PM: Alabama Shakes — Channel 1 *
7:40PM: Keys N Krates — Channel 3
8:05PM: Gorgon City — Channel 2 *
8:20PM: Interpol — Channel 1
8:30PM: DJ Snake — Channel 3 *
8:50PM: Azealia Banks — Channel 2 *
9:15PM: Tame Impala — Channel 1 *
9:30PM: R3HAB (Part 1) — Channel 3
9:35PM: Nero — Channel 2 *
10:00PM: Porter Robinson — Channel 3 *
10:30PM: Lykke Li — Channel 2
11:00PM: R3HAB (Part 2) — Channel 3
11:20PM: Ride — Channel 2 * (shit mixing)
11:35PM: Alesso — Channel 3
12:05PM: Todd Terje and the Olsens — Channel 2 *


DAY 2
3:35: ROYAL BLOOD -2
3:35: PARQUET COURTS -3 *
3:35: CLEAN BANDIT -1 *
4:15: BENJAMIN BOOKER -2 ****
4:15: LIGHTS -3 *
4:40: MILY CHANCE -1
4:55: TORO Y MOI -2 *
5:00: PERFUME GENIUS -3
5:30: ST PAUL AND THE BROKEN BONES -1 ********THANK YOU BASED FAT WHITE SOUL MAN********T
5:40: CHET FAKER -3 *
6:00: YELLE -2 *
6:15: HOZIER -1 *
6:35: ANDREW MCMAHAON IN THE WILDERNESS -3
6:45: BAD RELIGION -2 *
7:05: RUN THE JEWELS -1 ****
7:25: BELLE AND SEBASTIAN -3 *
7:35: GLASS ANIMALS -2
8:00: FATHER JOHN MISTY -2 *********
8:15: ALT-J -1
8:20: DUKE DUMONT -3 *
8:50: JUNGLE -2 *
9:15: JACK WHITE -1
9:25: GRAMATIK -3 *
9:30: TYLER THE CREATOR -2 *
10:20: FKA TWIGS -2 *
10:20: DIRTY SOUTH -3
11:00: FLOSSTRADAMUS -1
11:15: DEORRO -3 *
11:25: THE WEEKND -2 *
11:55: AXWELL AND INGROSSO -1
12:15: RATATAT -3 *
12:25: Antemasque -2 *

DAY 3
3:35: Circa Survive *
3:35: MO *
3:35: The Orwells * (for hilarity alone)
7:10 RAC (3) *
7:20 Sturgill Simpson (2) *
7:30 Mac Demarco (1) *
8:00 Panda Bear (3) *
8:10 St. Lucia (2)
8:35 Jenny Lewis (1)
8:45 What So Not (3)
9:00 Tycho (2) *
9:35 Ryan Adams (1)
9:45 Martin Solveig (3)
9:50 Vance Joy (2)
10:25 Marina & the Diamonds [Partial] (1) *
10:40 The Cribs (2)
10:45 Madeon (3) *
10:55 Kaskade (1)
11:25 Stromae (2) *******************************************************************************
11:45 New World Punx (3)
11:50 Florence + The Machine (1) *
12:15 St. Vincent (2)  *
12:45 Gaslmap Killer Experience (1) ****************(2spoopy)****************
12:45 David Guetta (3)
1:10 Fitz and the Tantrums (2) *
1:15 Drake (1) * RIP
2:00 Kygo [Partial] (3) *
2:00 Odesza (2) *
2:30 Jamie XX [Partial] (3) *