Karkat the romcom mentor teaches Tavros how to kiss

Karkat yawned as he sat on his chair, his fingers flipping through various pages pertaining to this and next week’s schedule. Today had been rather dead for him, two clients had canceled their respective appointments and one had arrived late, forcing him to shorten his lesson plan. Still at least that person payed him, and the others had promised to reschedule for another time, so it wasn’t a total loss. Nonetheless it annoyed him. After all what if he had other clients, or had personal matters of his own to deal with? It frustrated him to no end how people seemed to forget he wasn’t a machine at their beck and call. He had a life of his own after all; and so did the clients who actually bothered to keep to their side of the arrangement.

But he sighed, and put aside such feelings; no reason to get worked up over it he figured. After all, being a quadrant mentor was no easy task, even for the most adept of trolls, and he was if anything one of the best. He continued to thumb through the book, double checking dates to ensure there would be no conflict of interests. As well as making sure all transactions were correct. It took him only a few minutes to finish and once he was he found himself suddenly overcome with a powerful feeling of boredom. He’d originally expected his appointments would have eaten his entire day up, and with the extra abundance of time at his disposal he was suddenly at a loss of what to do. His most noble of professions ate up most of his time, and when not at work he tended to spend his hours going over paperwork or reading up on the newest romcom columns for advice or anything that caught his interest.

Lazily he scanned his office for something to stifle his rising boredom. But quickly he chastised himself. He’d already read every book in here, watched every movie, and played every computer game hundreds of times by now. Karkat then began to think of other ideas; perhaps he could go see a movie? Or maybe head to a tavern for a drink? But just as quickly he shot those ideas down. There weren’t any films that interested him and he needed to be sober for tomorrow anyway. He sighed again, sinking into his chair as he attempted to think of something only for his mind to draw a blank. Finally he gave up and pulled a remote from his desk drawer, turning the television on and flipping through random channels. Perhaps TV could save him from this most minor of plights.

An hour passed, Karkat still as lethargic and disinterested as ever. His attention focused halfway between some forgettable nonsense being played on the screen and whatever target he flicked his pens at. Then to his surprise he heard a timid knock at the door. He immediately perked up, and as he quickly rose to answer he fell to the floor, loudly cursing it as he rapidly got to his feet.

“ONE MOMENT.” He said, reaching for his remote to silence the TV, only to fumble with the device. Why in god’s name was it so hard to find the volume button on these things!? There was another knock, this time more loudly. He gave up trying to mess with the damned remote and settled for shutting the thing off altogether. He rushed then to the door, jerking it open.

“SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?” He said to his guest. It was a young man, roughly ten sweeps old he wagered, with a mohawk and two large bull horns jutting from his temples.
He was dressed in a black vest, with matching shirt and pants. His hands were fidgeting and he seemed to struggle just to respond.

“uH,mY nAME iS tAVROS nITRAM, aND I hEARD yOU wERE a dATING eXPERT, iS tHAT rIGHT,” He stammered, as if every word took him a herculean effort just to say. Karkat could already tell whatever this boy’s issue was, it was probably going to take every trick of his to fix. Karkat nodded to him, confirming the boy’s inquiry and welcomed him in. Tavros walked in, his eyes darting everywhere while he kept his head down. Karkat kept his gaze on the boy, trying to size him up and gleam some idea of the kid’s deal from his movements alone. He could usually figure out everyone’s basic personality just from small little nuances like that. The way they walked, how they talked, what they did with their hands, if they bite their lips. Small details like that.

And everything he saw from this kid practically screamed pussy to him. The kind of person that would awkwardly just stare longingly at someone yet couldn’t even say a word without frothing stupid. The kind of person that would romanticize some bullshit image of said idol and hold pathetic little fantasies of the two of them frolicking in a meadow or masturbate alone to the idea of them holding hands or some other sad shit like that. He hated these types, they always took forever to even make it past the simplest of shit, and worse, always came back to him for more; having utterly failed their date like the loser they were.

But he was the best, and no matter his own feelings he wouldn’t turn down a prospective client. He straightened his suit and sat in his chair, asking Tavros what was his particular romantic issue. Tavros, apparently was interested in some blue blooded girl and a rather demanding one from his descriptions of her. She was utterly loaded cash wise, beautiful, and a total attention whore that pestered him relentlessly for his affections. Karkat hid his incredulousness at the idea that this joker was the one getting her attention. Usually it was the other way around in situations like this. Once again though he put aside his feelings and resumed listening.

Tavros curiously was interested in her as well, in a Stockholm syndrome sort of way. Karkat then grew impatient. This girl clearly liked him, told him as such, and he liked her in turn. What then was this rambling idiot’s issue? Karkat then interrupted Tavros, asking him in far more polite words.

“wELL, iTS uH, kINDA sILLY I gUESS,”

“JUST TELL ME.”

“oKAY tHEN,” He responded.

“ i dONT kNOW hOW tO kISS a gIRL,”

Karkat sighed, and rubbed his face. Of course it would be something so simple. He got out of his chair and walked to Tavros, his rising annoyance almost visible on his face. How many times had some young troll boy or girl come to him for this exact same issue? Too many he thought. He stood next to Tavros, placing on hand on his shoulder as he replayed every instance of this scenario back in his head. It always helped to be direct and to the point with this sort of thing.

“TAVROS,   YOU LIKE THIS GIRL RIGHT AND YOU WANNA IMPRESS HER RIGHT?”

“yES tHAT wOULD bE nICE.” Tavros responded.

“LET ME SHOW YOU THEN.” Without warning Karkat pressed his lips to Tavros, sliding his tongue into the boy’s mouth. He pressed their heads together, shifting his head from one side to the other while he played with Tavros’ mouth. The boy remained speechless and unresponsive at first, before edging into the act and joining in. Amateurishly lapping his own tongue against Karkat’s while trying to deep throat him. Karkat could feel the boy’s breath pass into him, all nervousness and fear now gone from Tavros. Despite his lack of skill he made up for it with his effort, trying all sorts of moves. Finally Karkat broke the kiss, breathing heavily before speaking up.

“AND THAT IS HOW YOU KISS SOMEONE. JUST DO THAT AT THE RIGHT TIME AND SHELL BE ALL YOURS UNDERSTAND?”

“bUT wHAT iS tHE rIGHT tIME,” He asked.

“YOULL KNOW, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOULL JUST KNOW. NOW GO OUT THERE AND KISS THE GIRL. AND CALL ME SO I KNOW HOW IT WENT OKAY?”

Tavros nodded enthusiastically and rushed out of the office, offering his thanks to Karkat. Once he had left Karkat shut the door, then returned to his seat. He sat silently for a moment, sighing wistfully over the kiss. He was loathed to admit it but it was rather good, as awkward and inexperienced Tavros had been it wasn’t bad. He sighed once more and put such thought from his mind. It was time for TV again.

The next day as expected he received a call from Tavros, who excitedly blabbered on and on about how Karkat’s advice had worked and of how he and Vriska had hit it off. Karkat congratulated him, offering fake words of encouragement and interest before hearing another voice in the background. Before he could get a answer he heard Tavros ask the voice if she could finally untie him. And with that Karkat hung up, not interested in learning just where that line of conversation was headed.