Surface of the Sun, Part 5 (Let them eat Cake)

>It was good to hear her laugh.
>Even if it was mocking, incredulous laughter.
"No."
"But-"
>She shakes her head, still giggling at your suggestion.
>It's her again, not the mask. This face, her face, with the scrunched up snout and the smiling eyes.
>"Anonymous, please! I'm the Princess of Equestria! How could I...why would I...do you know the SCANDAL that would sweep the court if I just..."
"Took a break?"
>She shakes her head and snorts, flaring her wings.
>"Anonymous. As...tempting as that offer is..."
"Will you at least consider it?"
>She opens her mouth, and you can already here the words she's about to say.
>Of course not. I'm far too busy. That idea is simply ludicrous!
>Instead of any of those, she pauses, closing her mouth very slowly.
>Then she gives you an unexpected answer.
>"I will...think about it. After Day Court ends, you'll have my answer."
>You smile.
"I only wanted you to think about it."
>She gives you a small, tentative smile back.
>"...Of course. Now come along, Sir Anon. My subjects will be waiting."
>You roll your eyes and join her, leaving the rising sun to your back.
"Will they? The sun JUST rose."
>"Trust me. Court will be full."
>For a moment, her composure drops, and she lets out an exhausted sigh.
>"It ALWAYS is."
"...That's why we should ju-"
>"I promised I'd think on it."
>She gives you a flash of a smile, and you return it with one of your own.
"Alright, good enough. So what should I expect from this 'Day Court'?"
>"Let's just say it's a surprise...well, for the most part. I've been informed that my student and her friends have arrived in Canterlot today..."
>Oh....shiiiiiit.


"You mean..."
>Celestia nods.
"They're ALL coming?"
>"Yes, Sir Anon. Even her."
>Of COURSE Celestia knew about your ex.
>Why the hell wouldn't she? Celestia had a direct line to ALL your ex's friends through the purple dragon kid.
"...Fuck."
>"Please don't be vulgar, Sir Anon. We are almost at Court."
"Can you PLEASE drop the sir, Princess?"
>She gives you an empty smile.
>"You are my Advisor, Anon. My Wallmare. My Knight. I cannot drop your title in front of the Court of Day."
>You follow her as she trots back to the castle.
"Can I at least ask why not?"
>She pauses.
>"...Tradition. Mostly. I...it's not important. You will comply with my wishes."
>You lazily salute.
"Yes, oh WONDROUS Queen."
>Celestia glares at you.
>Up until the day you die, you can honestly say you never saw anything as frankly terrifying as that glare.
>It was not an expression that promised suffering, although pain would be a factor, certainly.
>It was disappointed, as if she had taken your measure and found you wanting.
>And because of that, true joy would be forever denied you.
>"I am not a Queen."
"...Touchy subject?"
>Celestia bites her lip, and that fearsome expression evaporates.
>"I...apologize. That...I do not like being called by that title. It has...bad memories for me."
>Play it smooth, Anon.
"No apology needed, Princess. Let's start the Day, shall we?"
>"O-of course, Sir Anon. Follow me."
>She leads you to a familiar pair of double doors.
>And with a glow of her horn, she throws them open.


>Ponies.
>So. Many. Fucking. Ponies.
>You'd been in this room just last night.
>Night Court was a transcendentalist's paradise, full of artists and musicians.
>Day Court was chaos.
>Ponies were packed in like bacon strips, shoulder to shoulder, all staring at the throne.
>It was...more than a little disturbing.
>The ponies all turn at once, like a sea current reversing, as soon as the doors open.
>Cheering greets the entrance of the Princess, who smiles politely and nods, accepting the accolades.
>You can practically FEEL the boredom radiating from her already.
>You like to think that your previous relationship gave you plenty of experience with ponies who aren't having fun.
>You grimace as images of cupcakes come back to your memory.
>And apparently she was here, along with all of her friends.
>That would be fun for about ten minutes.
>"Ahem."
>You look up, and curse yourself as you realize Celestia's tush is already seated on the throne, and you're still standing at the beginning of the hall like a derp.
>SHIT.
>You straighten the fuck up, smoothing your collar and walking solemnly towards Celestia, who's eyeing you coolly.
>Or at least trying to. Her lip is twitching something fierce.
>You keep your face stone as you approach her through the silent Day Court.
>When you reach the foot of the throne, you kneel, hoping Celestia manages to patch your blunder.
>Celestia capitalizes on your gesture, offering you a benevolent smile.
>"Good morning, my subjects. I have a new member of Court to introduce to you. Anonymous the human. My Royal Butler and Aide."
>That was it. That was all.
>You stand up, taking your place at her side, and prepare to begin the day.

 Twelve Hours Later.

>"And that, Princess, is why I believe it necessary to lower the tax on carrots!"
>You can't believe this shit.
>"My Little Pony, your argument is sound, and your passion is inspiring. Truly, you have..."
>You tune the Princess out as you stop to consider this.
>This pony had just spun out a request for the past hour.
>An hour, just trying to get the tax on carrots lowered.
>Her reasoning?
>The Apple family always beats the carrots in profits and it's not FAIR!
>You had to actually put your hands under your arms to keep from choking this greedy little shit.
>She had come in here and actually asked Celestia to lower ALL TAXES ON ALL CARROTS EVERYWHERE just because she couldn't beat AJ's family in how much dosh they were raking in?
>You'd spoken up and said the idea was ludicrous, which it was.
>Her response?
>"Nopony likes paying taxes anyway!"
>But they liked a functioning government, didn't they?
>Fortunately for Carrot Ass, here, Celestia interceded and calmly started debating with this pony.
>For.
>Another.
>Hour.
>This was your first day in Court.
>You already wanted to kill half the ponies in Equestria.
>At least this one was the last one.
>"...but unfortunately, I cannot grant your request, however much it saddens me. The needs of Equestria do, unfortunately, come before the needs of family rivalry."
>"But..."
>NO GOD PLEASE NO.
>Celestia makes a sad face.
>Carrot ass falters, whimpering, and you stare at Celestia in shock.
>Before anyone can speak, Carrot Top goes running out of the room.
"...You could have done that the first time she started talking?"
>Celestia lets out a very infuriated, tired sigh.
>"I shouldn't have done it at all."


"What do you mean, shouldn't have done it? We just sat here for two hours while you argued with a pony about taxes on carrots!"
>She lets out that sigh again.
>Now that it's just the pair of you in the empty throne, you can see that mask, the Queen's face, cracking a little.
>"I shouldn't have lost my temper. I haven't done such with my little ponies in...centuries..."
>She bites her lower lip, looking at her hooves.
>It's so adorable and childish that you have to stop yourself from snickering.
>As if sensing your thoughts, her head comes up and she tosses you an exasperated glance.
>"Honestly Anon, it was your first day! You could have tried to make a better impression on my ponies!"
>Well that completely out of left field.
"What did I do!?"
>"You stood at the entrance when we entered, you interrupted me a few times, you SAT DOWN on the stairs!"
"My legs were getting tired! You try standing in the same position for five hours!"
>"...I once stood, lost in grief for my sister, for a decade."
"Well I don't have four legs!"
>You scoff, and she lets out a quiet giggle.
>She immediately puts a hoof to her snout and tries to turn the giggle into a fierce scowl.
>It fails miserably.
>Her giggle transforms into a short, full-blown laugh, before she calms down and sighs.
"...Seriously, Celestia, what's eating you?"
>She doesn't answer you, looking at the now-empty Court as the sun sets outside.
>After a long stretch of silence, she answers you.
>"I have been...considering your proposal."
"My propo-"
>You freeze, a very Grinchy grin stretching across your face.
"The nightclub?"
>She sighs.
>"Yes."


"Heh. Hehe. Hehehe-"
>You feel a golden shod hoof gently keep your mouth closed.
>"Please don't do that. I've heard enough tales of your 'maniacal laughter'. My student found it quite distracting."
>She removes her hoof, and you offer her a quiet grin.
"Maybe, but my marefriend loved it."
>Celestia offers you a smile of her own.
>"She loves everything, that one."
>You stay silent to that, staring at the setting sun and remembering.
>Celestia joins you, the pair of you standing in the marble halls of her Throne and just...relaxing.
"So..."
>"Hmmm?"
"Do you or do you not want to go the nightclub?"
>Her wings rustle, opening halfway and fluttering before closing again.
>"I...I shouldn't. I'll just be recognized..."
"Can't you disguise yourself? I mean...you're a pony. And a wizard. A super wizard. You're like Queen of the pony wizards."
>She gives you a deadpan glare, and you shrug.
>"That's not what I..."
"I'm just saying, can't you disguise yourself as a different kind of pony? Someone...not so tall and divine?"
>"That's...still...wouldn't my subjects be more comforted by my pre-"
"You're not doing this for your subjects, Princess. You're doing this for you."
>"But..."
"Princess. Me, royal advisor. You, big pony princess with pretty wings. You hired me, remember? For this kind of thing. You need to loosen up before you lose your mind."
>Something fierce flashes in her eye, but it's gone before you can put a description to it.
>"...Perhaps you're right. Very well then, Anonymous. Allow me to excuse myself while I go procure a...disguise."
>You smile at her as she trots out the door,
>Your simple joy blinds you to the shadows shifting and boiling behind you.


>"....Anoooon."
"FUCK."
>You shit enough bricks to build a fort with as Luna comes oozing out of the shadows behind you.
"Can you NOT do that!?"
>The Princess of the Night arches one eyebrow.
>"I expected more screaming, after last night's...revelation."
"I'll get to revealing my pants-shitting terror at the knowledge the crazy superwizard pony who apparently killed my predecessor can jump out of shadows in a moment. Right now, I just want to ask you to STOP doing that."
>"...That was quite a mouthful."
>You shrug.
"You know who I dated. I'm used to mouthfuls."
>The Night Princess snickers.
"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT."
>You scowl as her snicker turns into quiet laughter.
"So are you here to just drive me into a state of bowl-shattering horror or..."
>"I am here to congratulate you, Anonymous."
>You raise an eyebrow.
>"You are making...progress. With...my sister."
"Should you be saying this w-"
>"She cannot hear us. I've made sure of it. As powerful as my sister is, there are some things she does not know."
>Princess Luna gives you a sly smile.
"...Okay. Well then. Awesome."
>You edge away from her.
>"Be calm, Anonymous. I am here only to congratulate you on a job well done. And to wish you a good time with my sister."
"You're fine with me taking her to a club?"
"...This is a party, yes?"
"Yeah."
>"Fantastic! She has not been to one in centuries. Just don't let her drink."
>The last part of that sentence carries all the seriousness of the grave.
"...Why not?"


>For a moment, the Night Princess looks uncomfortable.
>"...Anonymous...how much did Twilight Sparkle teach you of Equestria's history?"
>You shrug.
>"Have you heard of the First Equestrian Civil War?"
"...The one that leveled the Palace of the Pony Sisters and turned the Everfree all crazy?"
>"Yes."
"Yep. Remember it."
>"Celestia."
"Pardon?"
>"That was Celestia."
"...Care to elaborate?"
>"The First Equestrian Civil War was my sister discovering the wonders of 'booze.'"
"Uh...huh..."
>"She started a riot, burned down our castle, slept with a multitude of stallions, kissed Discord, vomited up the first rainbow, and-"
"I get the picture. She must have gotten better by now, right?"
>"...Three hundred years later, there was a place once known as Flutter Valley. Celestia had...one night out with a cask of wine...and we call that place the Badlands now."
"Mother of God."
>Luna nods sagely.
"What kind of...what...have you..."
>"Anonymous, you must understand...in our time...parties were...well, they consisted of three things. Drinking, fighting, and..."
>Luna blushes.
>"Celestia made it a point to become QUITE skilled at all three."
>You raise an eyebrow.
"...Wow. So Celestia was some sort of party-hard pony viking?"
>"I do not know what a Viking is."
"Human culture. So why-"
>"She has not had a drink since WELL before I was trapped in the moon. I...would not like to see my sister fall off the wagon, as the term goes."
"I see."
>Luna eyes you.
>"Don't let her drink."
>You nod, solemnly.
"You can count on me, Luna."


>Luna smiles at you, and fades back into the shadows as you adopt your most serious face.
>Okay.
>So one hand, apparently getting the Solar Princess drunk was the Equestrian version of dropping a nuke.
>On the other, she needed a drink more than anyone you had ever met.
>Anyone.
>Even Twilight Spergle.
>And Twilight seriously needed to get rip-roaring drunk before she exploded from adorkable overload.
>Why are you even debating this? You're getting that Princess drunk.
>You smile to yourself and open the double doors of the Throne room, walking out into the cool night air.
"Princess, are you finished? I had some ideas...something subtle, you know? Like a black earth pony, or like a unicorn with a really stupid rave ma-"
>"I do believe I've already decided on a disguise."
>Celestia steps out from behind a row of hedges, smiling at you.
>You feel your right eye twitch.
"..."
>Celestia blushes in her new form.
>"...You said my wings were pretty..."
"...The whole 'subtlety' thing just went right over your head, didn't it?"
>She's white.
>The same exact bright white.
>The same long flowing mane, only it's pink now.
>THE SAME FUCKING SUN CUTIE MARK.
>The one thing going for this disguise is that she's the size and shape of a regular pony.
>Very slowly, you bring your palm to your face and drag it slowly downward.
"...At least tell me you came up with a good name."
>"...Name?"
"For your disguise?"
>"...How about Sunny Skies?"
"Are you fucking kidding me?"


"Princess. You're going to have to do MUCH better than that."
>"What's wrong with Sunny Skies!?"
>She glares up at you, but when she's not a shining Alicorn God-Wizard, the effect is much reduced.
>You return a flat stare of your own, and she rolls her eyes.
>"Alright, give me a moment."
>She puts a hoof to her new chin.
>"What about Solaire? I like the way it rolls off the tongue."
"Normal ponies aren't so grossly incandescent. Try going a bit more subtle."
>"...Sunbeam?"
"Ugh."
>"Corona?"
"No."
>"Flare?"
"...Subtlety is a word in Equestrian, right? Like you're not hearing cthulhu ftgn when I say it, or something?"
>She glares at you.
>"May I continue?"
"Sure thing, Celestia."
>"How about Dawn-"
"You know what? Sunny Skies is fine. Whatever. Everyone will be too drunk to notice."
>"Oh...there will be...drinking?"
"Princess. It's a Canterlot night club. Drinking is the mildest thing we'll see. Well, other than the singing."
>Celestia brightens immediately, giving you a full-faced grin.
>"SINGING!?"
"Well...yeah. It's a pony club. The only thing your subjects love more than drinking at parties is singing."
>"...Can you sing, Anon?"
>You smile.
"Maybe you'll see tonight, Celestia. But we aren't gettin anywhere talkin about it. Let's get a move on."
>You offer your arm, and she slips a wing into it, smiling.
>And then you make your way to the Hoof in Hair nightclub.
>Run by an old acquaintance.
>Vinyl Scratch.

 In da Club
>Even you had to admit, Hair and Hoof was a pretty classy nightclub.
>Considering that pony nightclubs were like human collage parties at best, that is.
>You and Celestiagasus, or "Sunny Skies" as she insisted on going by, were let in by the bouncer, a big minotaur that you only vaguely recognized.
>Way back when, right after you'd broken up with...her, you came to this place all the time.
>To drown sorrows or to look for a good time. Most of the time both.
>Scratch wasn't present when you and Celestia made your way in, something you thanked whatever God was watching for.
>That pony had always been a little crazy, even when you knew her back in Ponyville.
>With your luck, she'd see right though Celestia.
>Ponies were dancing, drinking, talking, and singing as you entered.
>One pony on stage was singing her heart out.
>Pretty mare, tall, almost Celestia's height.
>Fleur de Lis. Here, on karaoke night. That would explain all the whistles the stallions were giving out.
>You led Celestia to a booth and slid down in it, sighing.
>She seats herself across from you, rustling her wings in irritation.
"...Something wrong, Sunny?"
>She ignores you for a moment, then stiffens and blinks.
>"...Oh...no! Nothing, it's just..."
>She sniffs.
>"It smells like...liquor and fornication in here."
"It's a nightclub. They do that."
>You wave over to a waitress, who trots over with a menu.
>Hoof and Hair served food AND booze, but you were here for the booze.
>"Anon! It's good to see you back! What'll you have?"
"I'll have a Samuel Snowflake."
>From somewhere in the club, there was a "YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH."
>"Water, please."
>You raise an eyebrow.

"Hey Sunny?"
>She gives you a sweet smile.
>"Yes, Anonymous?"
"You sure you just want water? I know about that whole...thing you have with drinking, but we're here to relax, remember? Have a good time?"
>She gives you a flat smile as the waitress stares at you.
>"Anonymous, I'm sure you -don't- know about my -thing- with drinking. In any case, I am capable of having fun without it."
>You nod your head to concede the point.
"Maybe. But you still want a drink, don't you?"
>She ruffles her wings, annoyed.
>"...Maybe."
"Listen, C-Sunny. I know about...history. But you can't let the things you regret in your past rule your present. Just take one drink. One couldn't hurt you, could it?"
>She bites her lip and looks away from you.
"Just one. And then we'll do some dancing, eh?"
>Celestia's wings do some odd things that you're not sure you can put into words.
>"You'd like to...d-dance? With me?"
>You raise an eyebrow.
"Uh...yeah, Sunny. It's a club. We're here to have fun, right?"
>Celestia turns and addresses the waitress.
>"Two appletinis, please."
"I thought you sa-"
>"...One drink, two drinks, who's counting?"
>She flashes you a dazzling smile, and you grin right back at her.
>Tonight was going to be good.
>The waitress comes back with your drinks, and you down your beer, enjoying the taste.
>Samuel Snowflake.
>It'll get you drunk.


>Tonight, you can honestly say you've learned something.
>You know where Twilight's dancing skills came from.
>Celestia's...enthusiastic, but...Jesus Christ.
>You do your best not to look embarrassed as she starts bumping and grinding against you, standing on her back hooves and flailing her front ones.
>The other ponies, who are doing that stomping dance you're more used to, are just looking on in confusion.
"...It's a...human dance."
>You lean down a little lower as you dance, trying to whisper in Celestia's ear.
"Pssst. 'Sunny'. What the hell are you doing?"
>" 'M dancshin!"
>Oh God.
>You get a quick look at her face.
>Her snout is practically bright red, and her eyes are unfocused.
>How many fucking appletinis did she HAVE?
>You stumble on a dance step.
>...You hadn't exactly practiced moderation either.
>Snowflake Adams was fucking great once you had one or two.
"Sunny, where'd you even..."
>"Itsh a minotaur dansche! Learned it when I was a foal!"
"That's...okay, that explains a lot, but don't y-"
>Before you can respond, she "WHOOS" and flies over you in a flipping motion, striking a pose.
>Then she stumbles and falls onto her chin.
>"...I need another appletini."
"I think you've had enough."
>"I'll TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"
>Without another word, you put your arms under 'Sunny's' arms and plop her down in the booth.
>Her head lolls, and she has a goofy grin on her snout that you know all too well.
"Having a good time?"
>>"Yesh! I'm loving it!"
>She grins at you, her eyes twinkling in the dim light.
>You offer her a smile of your own.
"Glad to see you smile. A real smile."


>Celestia snorts, annoyed.
>" M'smiles are 'lways real."
>You raise an eyebrow.
>Celestia looks away, frowning.
>You frown as well.
>You can't have that.
>You both were out here having fun.
>Frowns weren't acceptable!
>You look around, swaying slightly, for something to...
>The karaoke stage.
>It's empty.
>You know what you must do.
"One sec, Sunny..."
>You get up and stumble towards the stage.
>The ponies that recognize you start stomping their hooves, cheering.
>You...sort of had a reputation here...
>You were the guy that got drunk and started singing.
>The good news was...you could sing pretty good. Question was, what to sing?
>You took one look over your shoulder at Celestia. At a set of pretty purple eyes drunkenly staring at you, and you know.
>You'd either make her the happiest mare in the world tonight, or piss her off.
>You didn't care which. You only hoped that wherever the great Musical God who wrote this song originally was, he was smiling down on you in approval.
>After all, you might have to alter few lines.
>You start snapping your fingers as you take the stage, grinning.
>The music started up around you, Equestria's natural 'provide music for spontaneous bursts of song' field in full effect.
>You take the stage and keep snapping your fingers, looking out into the curious crowd of ponies.
"This is a song...about a girl I met in Canterlot."
>Celestia's ears perk up, and her face looks confused.
"Now..I wanna see those hooves stompin..."
>You pull the magic mike off its stand, open your lungs, and you sing.

Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_E9TyGxxosk
"She keeps the Moon and the Sun
In her pretty cabinet
'Let them eat cake' she says
Just like Marie Antoinette
A built-in remedy
For Kruschev and Kennedy
At anytime an invitation
You can't decline."
>The ponies start stomping quietly, unconsciously mimicking the sound of snapping fingers.
"Caviar and cigarettes
Well versed in etiquette
Extraordinarily nice!"
>You hold out the mike, and the ponies respond, somehow knowing exactly what to sing.
>"She's a Killer Queen!
>Gunpowder, guillotine!
>Dynamite with a magic beam!
"Guaranteed to blow your mind!"
>Anytiiiiiiiime!"
"Recommended at the price
Insatiable in appetite
Wanna try?"
>You look out in the crowd and see 'Sunny's' pink mane bobbing, her face hidden by the crowd of singing ponies.
"To avoid complications!
She never kept the same address..
In conversation she spoke just like a princ~ess..."
>You continue with your song, the ponies adding onto the chorus as you belt out lines written by the father of what you considered true music.
>You saw the pink mane bobbing as you finished the last lines of the song, and you grinned.
>It was moving towards you through the crowd, and your smile widened.
>She was going to lo-
>You spot Celestia, still at the booth, cheering and waving her hooves, and the blood drains from your body.
>It was HER.
>The pink mane shot forward, and you felt a pair of hooves wrap around your chest.
>"ANON! I KNEW I'D FIND YOU HERE!"


>Oh no.
>Not her.
>Not now.
>As if sensing your thoughts, she reaches in, kissing you right on the lips.
>...Just like she used to.
>"WELL!? Did you miss me!?"
>...Pinkie Pie.
>Your ex-marefriend.
>A thousand different feeling shoot through your cloudy, drunken mind, and you stumble back, a pink pony still strapped to your chest like a suicide vest.
>...You decide to be honest.
"Of course I missed you, Pinkie!"
>She showers your face in kisses and pulls you in for a hug.
>"OhIknewyou'dbehereVinylalwaystalkedaboutthisplaceandthegirlsandIwerestayinginCanterlotandt
henIcameinandIheardyou SING!"
>You smile at her, grinning.
>You'd missed that stream of consciousness style of talking.
>"So when are you coming back to Ponyville!?"
>You wince. This is what...the beginning of the same argument.
"Pinkie...I told you...I'm not coming back."
>She gets a pouty face.
>"But...Anooooon...what about us?"
"You left me, remember? You did-"
>"AAAALLLL in the past, Annopanda, aaalll in the past. Now I'm here, and you're here, and that means we're US again! And you can move back in with me and we can bake and you can sing and-"
"Pinkie. I have a job."
>Her ever present smile loses some of it's luster. You swear her mane gets a little less poofy.
>"But...but..."
"Pinkie. We talked about this, remember? You..."
>"I...I lost my temper, Anon, but...please...I miss you. The girls miss you. Please please please come back home?"
>Oh God you could never say no to those ey-
>"BHACK OFF! 'E'S MHINE!"
>You can only stare as Princess Celestia of Equestria punches Pinkie Pie in the face.