Things to do 1999 part 1 by Jon Huggins

Things to do this week

1)Penistone Vicarage is holding a fete! Every member of the local parish is welcome, as are those that bring a straw basket of tinned beer and drugs for the homeless. The fete will feature games where the public can pay 10 pence to throw three sponges soaked with homeless men’s piss at the chairman of the parish council. The winner will be the one to hit him on his boil on the end of his nose, and will receive a complimentary pass for a free eye test at the Penistone opticians! A tumbola will also appear at the fete, where the visitors can get a chance to win a four pack of Special Brew or a cow for milking or beef. There will also be a charity auction, where local homeless women will be sold for sex. The event will be held in Penistone village gardens on 3rd October at 1.00pm depending on the weather. All money raised will be put in a bag and burnt in front of an audience in the Penistone village homeless shelter.

2)FREE BEER! The people of Silkestone common are holding a beer festival! Everybody with one arm is welcome to join the fun and drink as much local Silkestone brew as is humanely possible. Beer games will be played throughout the day, for example the infamous Silkestone treasure hunt challenge where all pissed one armed men must be tied together and forced to run around the village shouting “I am drunk and I am looking for treasure”. The winner will be the first man to come back with two arms. The event takes place on Friday 8th October at Silkestone common. Remember – admission will be refused to all people with more than one arm – even if they have three arms or even one and a half.

3)Billy Bonka’s chocolate factory in Blundeston village will this week be inviting customers for a tour of the small family business. Mr B. Bonka will personally give the guided tour and people will be able to see how their chocolate is made. The tour starts at 3.00pm on Wednesday 6th October in the foyer of the factory and will end at approximately 3.07pm on the same day.

4)There will be more rain in Huddersfield this week when the circus comes to town. The leaky circus tent will provide a home for some 4 acts that will be appearing this year including Mrs Hutchinson, the 74 year old lion tamer, an acrobat who can jump from a kitchen table onto the floor whilst riding a bike and wearing an SAS beret, a man who claims he can eat ALL of the pies and a cat called George who has been buttered on his back and will be dropped from a height of 4 miles to find out which way he will land. The circus opens on Thursday 7th October and will close when the tent is full of rain water or local homeless people with one arm.

5)This week, why not try going into Huddersfield town centre and finding a man with a big sign around his neck that says “Homeless, will work for food” (or something like this but misspelt) and asking him if he would like to lick clean the kitchen floor of flat number seven and offering him an uncooked sausage burger in return for his effort.

6)Or perhaps instead, you could try walking into the “Everything’s a pound” store in Huddersfield town centre, picking up one of those mini-fan things which they always sell and asking how much it is. When the shopkeeper replies “It’s a pound” you should then ask “Each?”. When the shopkeeper replies “Yes” you should then ask how much it would cost if you bought two. Repeat this process with the bread boards and the toilet paper until you are forcefully removed from the shop by the local constabulary. I HAVE NOT TRIED THIS, CONTRARY TO MY CRIMINAL RECORD.

7)Over 5 fat people will be gathering together this week in Huddersfield town centre in protest of the rising price of pork pies. They will be holding a peaceful protest and will march from one lampost to another before breaking into a sweat. Mr C. Chunder, the president of the FPAPPP (Fat People Against Pork Pie Prices) said “It will begin a peaceful protest but if we do not see action we will get violent if we are not sweating too much”.