qwerty: Hot Girl

I totally gave a hot girl my number the other night:

so im at some girls house party with my friend tommy the other night and everyone is pretty drunk and im drunk but i dunno what it is with keg beer but whenever i drink it i have to take a dump like an hour later so i went to the bathroom but some girl was throwing up in the toilet so i quietly sneaked past her and i dont even think she heard me and i went into the bathtub/shower and shut the curtains and took a nasty **** in the tub and got the **** out of the bathroom and went outside so im out in the backyard and im chillin on the patio talkin to this kid everyone calls pencil and hes pretty wasted and just then tommy comes running out and hes like 'dude the cops are here we gotta peace' and im like '**** dude we parked in the driveway' and hes like 'i know man but we need to get the **** out of here' and we are in the middle of this hick ass neighborhood and theres nowhere to run to and all of the sudden this girl comes running out and shes like 'AHHHH ITS THE COPS RUNNNNN' and people are pouring out of the house and everyone on the patio ran towards the woods so me tommy and pencil start running and pencil trips over some dude passed out on the lawn and he just plopped onto the ground and passed the **** out and i went to lift his ass up and tommy was like '**** him dude hes done' and just then some fat kid fell into one of those stupid little goldfish ponds and made this huge ****ing splash and i was like 'holy **** thats awesome' but i had no time to stop and make fun of him so we ran into the woods just as 4 cops come out of the house shining flashlights at everyone and there must have been a good 50 people in the woods and me and tommy just kept running through trees and bushes and **** and we ran for a good 2 minutes and i didnt see anyone else around us so i thought we were safe but i could see flashlights shining and coming our way so we started running again and i could hear the cops yelling 'IF YOU DONT COME OUT OF THE WOODS WE ARE GOING TO TOW EVERY ****ING CAR AT THIS HOUSE' but i doubt anyone fell for that **** plus my car wasnt there it was tommys so whatever so we kept running until my out-of-shape ass ran out of breath and then we slowed down to a walking pace and tommy was like 'where the **** are we' and im like 'i have no idea just keep going maybe we will see someone' but we didnt see a single kid out of the fifty or so that ran into the woods and like five minutes later i saw car headlights drive by so me and tommy ran towards where they were and we got out to some road that had nothing on it no signs or anything and theres no cars and im like 'dude do you know what road this is' and tommys like 'hold on im checking my phone it has gps maps' and i looked and it was like 'loading map' then it just showed a blank area with our location starred in the dead middle of it and im like 'great thats real ****ing helpful im glad you spent 400 on that phone so it could tell us we are in the middle of nowhere tom' and hes like 'shut the **** up man' because tommy gets all *****y whenever i make fun of his phone but he really knows that he shouldnt have bought it because who the hell needs to film video while listening to mp3s and browsing the web im not ****ing inspector gadget i just need to call people thats it and i started saying this to tommy again and hes like 'shut the **** up im trying to figure out which way we should walk' and the thing said we were 2 miles away from shadyside road which is another long ****ing middle-of-nowhere road so we had a lot of walking ahead of us so we are walking for a while and i see headlights ahead and tommy is like '**** should we hide what if its the cops' and im like 'nah its cool those arent crown victoria headlights' and hes like 'but they drive ford explorers too are you sure its not a cop' and im like 'yea im sure lets ask them for a ride' but before we could ask them for a ride they pulled over and rolled down the window and it was this guy tim that i kinda know but hes kinda a douche so i dont really like him but i needed a ride so whatever

and i was like 'oh **** tim you made it out of there' and hes like 'yea everyone that stayed got an underage dude it was crazy laurens boyfriend started beating the **** out of some guy that took a **** in her bathtub and that dumb **** amy called the cops' and tommy was like 'dude where the **** are we' and hes like 'i have no idea i think this takes us to 322 whatever get in' so we got in the car and i opened the back door and there was a girl laid out on the seat passed the **** out and i was like 'wtf who is this chick tim' and hes like 'oh i have no idea she was in there when i got in the car' so i pushed her over and she still didnt wake up this ***** was out cold so im riding in the back with her and tommy is up front with tim and this chick was pretty hot so i took her hand and put it over my crotch and took her phone out of her purse and was like 'yo toms take a picture of this' and he totally got a picture of me getting a pants-handjob from this girl and then i stored my number in her phone as 'hot guy you hooked up with' and put it back in her purse but just then it started ringing so i answered it and it was some girl and im like 'hello' and shes like 'is katie there' and im like 'this is her' and shes like 'no its not just put her on the ****in phone' and im like 'shes passed out right now i dont even know who the **** she is' and the girl on the phone was like 'omg where are you we are coming to get her' and i didnt feel like dealing with this ***** so i hung up and put the phone away and man tim was driving way too ****in fast he was going like 80 mph on this windy road and i was like 'tim dude how much did you drink' and hes like 'relax man im fine' so i took his word for it because he seemed to know what he was doing but all of the sudden he took a turn going like 70 and ****ing slid and lost control and the side of the car smashed into a tree on the side of the road and thank god the window was down because my head would have gone through that **** but all the other windows were up and ****ing glass went everywhere and the passed out chick came flying towards me and landed on top of me and i just sat there for a second and tim was like 'ughhh is everyone ok' and im like 'yea' and tom is like 'yea dude wtf you are drunk' and hes like '**** i guess so **** man my car is ****ED' and he tried to drive and the car wasnt starting so i was like 'dude you better get out of this car before someone sees us and calls the cops' so we went out the other door that wasnt smashed and tim was like 'wait wtf should i do with this chick is she ok' and i was like 'yea i think so' and i took her pulse and she was fine and she wasnt cut or anything so i was like 'dude shes fine just leave her' and hes like 'no shes in MY car' and i was like 'what is she gonna do man shes passed out and i dont feel like carrying her' and hes like '**** dude ill carry her' and tommy was like 'no wait wait wait man you should put her in the drivers seat so she thinks she crashed the car' and tim is like 'good idea man' and it was totally a dick move but who the hell does this girl think she is passing out in some strangers car thats what she gets so they put her in the drivers seat and shut the headlights off and started walking then the girl must have woken up or something and started yelling so we went back to the car and she was like 'what happened' and i was like 'you almost killed us you crazy *****' and shes like 'omg im so sorry' and kept apologizing so we got her out of the car and we were walking for a few minutes when i saw cop headlights in the distance coming towards us

and tommy was like '**** DUDE someone probably saw the car and called the cops' and just then his spotlight came on and shined at us and everyone was like 'RUN' so we ran into the woods along the road and just kept running and that girl ran in a completely different direction and i have no idea what the **** happened to her and i stopped and was like '**** did he see us' and tim was like 'yea **** **** **** hes stopping keep running KEEP RUNNING' and right as he said that he fell over and i was like '**** man you are way too drunk to run' and hes like 'just help me up' so i helped him up and he kept running and stumbling and fell like another two times but we kept running and didnt look back and i realized was wearing a white sweatshirt which made me stand out in the dark woods so i took it off and tim was like 'dude you dropped your sweatshirt' and tommy had to drag his ass back because he tried to get my sweatshirt and i was like 'i took it off so the cops wont see me dumbass' and hes like 'good idea' and started taking his shirt off and i was like 'oh jesus christ dude what the **** are you doing' and tommy was like '**** it dude just leave him' so we kept running while tim was taking his clothes off and tommy was like 'dude theres a bunch of lights over there' and we could see street lights through the tree so we ran towards that and came to the edge of the woods by an intersection with a gas station on it and i was like 'well what now' and tommy was like 'i dunno lets find a road sign or something and ill call ryan and get him to pick us up' so we are about to start walking and i hear 'WOOOHHH **** YOU PIGS' and im like 'oh god its tim' and tommy was like 'how the hell is he this drunk he didnt seem that bad when we got in the car' and i was like 'i dunno man maybe he took a bunch of shots before he left or something and its just hitting him' and then tim came running out of the woods completely naked and was like 'them po po aint got **** on me' and i was like 'where are your clothes dude' and hes like 'I BURNED THEM' and tommy is like 'im sure you did' and im like '**** we cant be walking around with a naked guy thats gonna be a dead giveaway to the cops' so tommy was like 'ok im gonna call ryan and watch tim you go into the gas station and get some clothes for him' and im like 'why would a gas station sell clothes' and toms like 'get him a ****ing sunoco shirt i dont ****ing know just get some ****in clothes man' so i went to the gas station and it was some redneck guy who looked pissed at me for interrupting him from watching tv but he was watching lifetime so it couldnt have been anything good so i went up to the counter and was like 'do you sell clothes here' and hes like 'no why would we sell clothes' and i was like 'i dunno man dont you have like a sunoco sweatshirt or something' and hes like 'no this isnt sears' and i was like 'well is there anything i can buy off you' and just then i heard a huge BOOM and glass break and i turned around and it was ****ing tim and he put his head right through the gas station window and tommy came running behind him and tim pulled his head out and was like 'OWWWWW' and the gas station guy was like 'WHAT THE ****' and reached for the phone so i ran out of the store and was like 'tommy WHAT THE **** MAN you were supposed to watch him' and hes like 'dude he just ****in ran off while i was on the phone with ryan' and meanwhile tim is rolling around on the ground naked with blood gushing out from his head and i was like 'dude that guy in there is calling the cops lets just get the **** out of here' and tommy is like 'we cant i told ryan to meet us here hes already on his way' and i was like '**** it lets just leave tim here the paramedics are probably on their way lets just run into the woods across the street and wait for ryan there' so we started walking away and the gas station guy came out and was like 'GET THE **** BACK HERE' and i was like '**** YOU GO WATCH SOME MORE LIFETIME YOU *****' and me and tommy ran into the woods again and watched the gas station from a distance

and the attendant guy was just standing there over tim who was rolling around and then a few minutes later the cops pulled up and then an ambulance like a minute after that and i couldnt really see what was happening because the ambulance blocked the view but just then ryan called and was like 'im almost there' and we told him to pick us up across the street and a few minutes later he showed up and we got in the car and got the **** out of there before the cops noticed us and ryan was like 'what the **** man theres cops everywhere tonight and some ****er smashed into a tree on gordon drive' and i was like 'yea that was us we were in the car with tim' and he said there werent any cops there and he didnt see the girl that was in the car with us so i dunno wtf happened to her but tommy was like 'hey can you take me back to laurens house i need to get my car' so we cautiously approached laurens house and there werent any cops there but there were still a ****load of cars in the driveway and there was a huge truck parked across the end of the driveway and i guess it was the dad or something trying to stop people from leaving but everyone was just driving over the lawn and running through their garden and **** so me and tommy got in his car and did the same thing and he ran over this piece of **** lawn gnome they had in their garden and crushed it and we got the **** out of there and the next morning me and tommy heard all the stories about the kids who got underage citations and some dude who **** in the bathtub and some girl katie who 'crashed' tims car into a tree and me and tom were listening like it was news to us and were just like 'wow thats some crazy ****' and i really hope that katie girl doesnt find the picture i took with her phone or the number i put in there because that **** would be hard to explain

Hershey park:
i went to hershey park the other day and they have this ride where you get a tank full of water and you are supposed to pull a lever and drop it on the people waiting in line from above in your cart so i got on it with my friend and it took us all over the park and i saw a bunch of fat mothers sitting on a bench all nice and dry so i pointed them out to my friend and hes like 'got it' and completely water bombed the **** out of them and soaked all their **** and then i saw a puerto-rican lady talking on a cell phone in the middle of a walkway and i pulled the lever and ****ing soaked this ***** and i couldnt stop laughing and then her gigantic boyfriend looked up and pointed at me and i was like 'oh ****' so for the rest of the day i was looking out for a big angry puerto rican guy but half the people there are puerto rican and the other half are the ugliest people ive ever seen and i dunno why but hershey park is like a goddamn mecca for white trash and i must have counted at least three people without any teeth and damn thats their vacation man some of these ****ers drove all the way from texas just for hershey park man wtf is up with that thats like me driving all the way from philly to texas just to see where hank hill lives

2F2F4:
i went to wendys the other day to get some food because i was hungry as **** and it was like midnight so all the 16 year old white 'gangstas' and their riced up cars were probably chilling in the parking lot and sure enough it was like they were filming fast and the furious 4 when i drove in and everyone is staring at me like i want to race but wtf i just want some goddamn food thats why people come to fast food places and im not racing anyone in my piece of **** car so this one dude standing near his ricer looks at me and was like 'yea drive away man drive away' so i stopped and was like 'i was gonna drive away anyway' and hes like 'yea because your car aint got **** on me' and this is the **** people have to deal with every time they want food so i just kept driving but i had a plan so after i got my food i went into my glovebox and pulled out a bunch of stink bomb capsules and i pulled back over to this dudes car and chucked them all right at his car and they broke open and man that place must have smelled like **** and then the next night i went back with a bunch of smoke bombs and chucked them into the crowd of wigros and i decided im gonna keep doing this until they go across the street to mcdonalds to hang out because mcdonalds sucks their food is ****ing disgusting and one time the drive thru guy charged me 54 cents for a bun and buns are supposed to be free wtf is wrong with them wendys always gives me free buns because who the hell cares its just one bun its not like they have chefs back there making these buns from flour and water

Hotdog camo:
i was out at a party last night and some parent came home and was pissed and made everyone leave so my one friend was like 'dude i need a place to crash im not supposed to be home' so i told him it was cool if he stayed at my place so a little bit later im about to leave and the kid starts puking everywhere so i made him puke all his **** out before we left and ten minutes later i had no idea where he went and i ended up finding him laying on the ground behind a bush but it looked like he was done puking so we got back to my place and i showed him a bed to pass out on and hes like 'wheres your bathroom just in case i have to take a piss' so i showed him and he was like 'oh thank god' and was in there for ten minutes and i could hear him stumbling around on the floor and puking everywhere and going 'uhggghhhhhh' and i could literally hear the chunks of puke plopping in the toilet bowl so finally he comes out and i was like 'you alright there' and hes like 'yea i just had to piss' so i went in there to make sure he didnt puke on the floor and everything looked fine so i took a piss and when i finished shaking the last drops and lifted my feet off of the carpet by the toilet i could feel them peeling like something sticky was on them and i realized he puked all over the rug and it was ****ing gross man there were like little chunks of hot dog in the rug that complimented the color of the rug perfectly so i didnt notice them at first but i was like '**** it ill deal with this in the morning' and went to bed and woke up again at 430 in the morning because the kid was up again and he was trying to open my window like it was a door and i was like 'yo what the **** are you doing' and hes like 'im trying to go outside to take a dump' and i was like 'thats not a patio door we are on the second floor you ****ing idiot' and then he just went outside and when i woke up again at 10 he was gone so i dunno where the hell he went considering he didnt have a car or anything

Milkshake origin:
i get milkshakes all the time at wawa and they have this machine that you put the cup in and it makes your milkshake for you but some time over the summer wawa switched milkshake brands and now these new milkshakes suck ass and i spoke to a manager once and was like 'dude your new milkshakes suck' and hes like 'i know but theres nothing i can do about it' and wtf now i dont know where to go to get a reasonably priced milkshake besides wendys but thats not the same its not really like a milkshake its like diet ice cream that sat in a room-temperature environment for 20 minutes or so and i dont really like ice cream when its like that because you cant really get a good scoop with the spoon because it all plops off unless its one of those sauce spoons but those are kinda hard to eat out of but thats not nearly as bad as those straw spoons mcdonalds used to give and those completely sucked you couldnt sip anything through the straw especially an m&m mcflurry because the m&ms would clog the straw and i dont even know if they are m&ms because they are covered in ice cream and they could be a crappy rip-off brand or even worse they could be a nestle candy and man i ****ing hate nestle no wonder movie theaters have 'free nestle candy day' its because nestle ****ing sucks and nobody wants their teeth-cloging filling-ripping globby candy man nestle is like the geo of car companies but even geos are better than nestle because they serve a purpose by being a cheap means of transportation but nestle just blows

Perv:
i went to beautiful camden ew jersey a few weeks ago to see a concert and made the mistake of driving there and had to sit in traffic for like 2 hours after the show and i was so bored i saw a bunch of bums on the corner of the road and shared my bag of sun chips with one of them and he was very thankful for a camden bum but he expressed his dislike for french onion flavored chips and i completely agreed because french onion sucks but it was the only flavor that 7-11 had but damn that bum has good taste but anyway i was going to another concert a week later and i didnt feel like dealing with that camden bull**** so i parked at the hyatt in philly and was gonna take the ferry over but when we got in the hyatt parking garage my friend was like 'TO THE TOP' so we drove to the top of the garage but i didnt realize it was like 8 levels and that **** took forever and we finally got there and went to take the elevator down but some dumbass hit every button in the elevator so it stopped at every floor and we spit on every floor just to defy the hyatt and when we got to the lobby i was walking out and the lady at the booth was like 'yall didnt park on the roof did you' and i was like 'uh yeah why' and shes like 'thats reserved for valet parking you have to move your car' and that really sucked we had to go all the way up and when i got to the roof i took a piss on the wall and then moved my car and got back down and the lady at the booth was like 'we have restrooms on the 1st floor just so you know' and my friend was like '**** dude she totally knows you peed on the roof' and i was like 'wtf is she psychic or something' but then we realized she was looking at security camera monitors that i didnt notice so she probably got a real good look at my wang and thats kinda creepy who knows what shes gonna do with that she might sell it as weird fetish porn for people with a teens-peeing-on-rooftop fetish and then those creepy people would be walking past me and be like 'omg its the hyatt pisser' and i would have to be like 'yeah thats me' and it would be really weird if i was on a date or something

Gingers:
and another thing wtf is up with ginger chicks man i have yet to see one ginger girl i find attractive man id feel like i was hooking up with a cabbage patch kid i dont care if they are really like 22 years old they look like ****ing 12-year-olds and id be afraid id see chris hansen if i showed up at their house and wtf is up with those predators man youd think they would learn by now to get the **** out of there when the girl says she left cookies on the counter but man im getting tired of watching that show they need to change it to something more action packed like 'to catch a serial killer' and lure serial killers to the house and then chris hansen could come out and be like 'have a seat over there' and search through their bag and be like 'so what were you gonna do with that duct tape and knife' man if they did that id watch it for a few episodes hoping to see this dude on my campus who im ****ing positive is a serial killer hes like 45 years old taking classes with a bunch of 19 and 20 year olds and wtf is up with that **** thats just ****ing weird and it would really suck if he ended up being my roommate next year but if that **** happened i would buy a tent and live in the dorm hallway because that guy is a freak i bet he would be in the dorm jerking off to C-SPAN or some weird **** like that

Exact change:
i was at wendys earlier and i owed my friends 4 bucks for the food we got but all i had was twenties so i was gonna go to wawa and get 20 dollars worth of gas and stop at 16 and then get 4 dollars in change so im filling up and this pump is a piece of **** and every time i try to top off a little it fills like 5 cents worth so i got to 1599 and tried so hard to just slightly tap the pump and it ended up at 1603 and i yelled the F word really ****ing loud and looked over and there was a mom at the pump next to me with three little kids in the van with their windows down and man that mom looked pissed so my friend in the car was like 'dude its just 3 cents here take mine' and he gave me 3 cents so i went back into wawa and went up to the counter and was like 'pump 3' and handed the lady 3 cents and she was like 'what you just want 3 cents on the pump' and i was like 'no i want my change' and shes like 'but you just handed me three cents' and i couldnt explain it to this dumbass but then she saw what my change was and was like 'ohhhhhhh i get it' and she gave me 4 bucks but damn what a pain in the ass

NY music festival:
so friday morning i got up to the music festival in upstate new york after 6 hours of driving and pulling over to piss and got in with no problem and set up camp with my friend rob and everything was all good but i had to sell this extra ticket i had so i went back to the line of cars waiting to get in and scoped out for the stupidest looking wook i could find and i saw this guy in a car munching on a bag of shrooms so i went up to him and was like 'yo do you have a ticket' and hes like 'no' with a mouthful of shroms so i was like 'dude good luck getting one because that **** is sold out' and he was like 'aw wtf man are you serious' and i was like 'yea but i have an extra if you want it' and hes like 'oh hell yea how much' so i was like '150 dollars' and hes like 'word' and paid me but i made that **** up about it being sold out there were plenty of tickets going for 110 so i made 40 bucks off this dumbass but yea after that we started drinking and a lot of the weekend is a blur but i do remember a bunch of random crazy **** that happened and the first thing i remember was during one of the late night sets i was up in the pit and when im in the pit i usually bring a bottle or something to pee in so i dont have to walk through the crowd to get to the pissers but this time i forgot a bottle and really had to piss because i broke the seal already so i picked up an empty beer can off the ground and was using that to piss in so later on during the show this huge drunk douchebag comes plowing through the crowd holding a funnel and was like 'WOOOOH' and i looked and it was this jackass 30 funnel steve who did like 30 beer funnels in a few hours a few years ago and has been living off that title ever since so he was coming around the crowd and is like 'WHOS GOT A BEER FOR 30 FUNNEL STEEEVEEEE' and was harassing people for beers he could funnel so he got up to me and i was like 'how many funnels are you at' and hes like 'SIXTEEEEN' so i was like 'ok man lets make this SEVENTEEEN WOOOOH' and hes like 'HELL YEAH' and set up his funnel and i took my beer can full of piss and dumped it down his funnel and he chugged the whole ****ing thing and must have been so wasted he didnt even notice it was piss and he was like 'WARM BEER COUNTS TOO YEAHHHHH' and walked off so if 30 funnel steve broke his record technically he should subtract one beer from it because it was really a can full of piss but later on in the night another band was playing and i saw a crowd of people gathered around something near one of the bars so i went over to see what they were all looking at and there was this guy curled up in a ball against a garbage can completely naked and he was trippin ****in hard like he had too much molly or something so everyone is just gathering around watching and even the EMTs are standing there and they are like 'we dont know what to do with this guy' and all of the sudden he just started jerking off ****ing furiously with his eyes rollin back in his head and it was ****ing creepy and the medics were confused as **** and eventually they just put him on a stretcher and carried him off into the night and i never saw that guy again but saturday morning word had spread around about the guy jerking off during the roots set and man wtf

so sunday morning came around and i just couldnt hold in my massive dump any longer because my 3 day diet of hot dogs beer and nitrous had taken its devistating toll on my digestive system so i was like 'rob man im gonna go take a dump' and hes like 'yea whatever have fun' so i went to the porta-potties by the beer shack because those were relatively clean to take a **** in or ****table as i like to call it so i opened one and the toilet part was completely ****ed and i was like '**** that im not ****ting in that' so i looked and to the left was a urinal-type bowl that is meant just for piss and that looked clean enough so i squatted above it and churned out the biggest **** i have taken since 2003 i **** you not and man this turd was ****ing huge and it was the moist peanut-butter kind and after i used an entire roll of toilet paper wiping my ass i decided that such a masterpiece cannot go forgotten so i took robs camera and took a picture of this beautiful turd and i went back to our tent and told rob about it and he looked at the picture and was like 'aw jesus christ dude thats ****ing gross i cant believe you **** in the urinal' so later on in the day im tellin my buddy matt about the giant **** i took and i went to show him the picture and it wasnt in the camera and i was like 'wtf dude the turd isnt here' and rob was like 'yea i deleted it dude i dont need to see that ****ing thing' so i was pissed i flipped out on rob and i took his camera to go back and take another picture so i treaded through turkwookistan to the toilets to go find my turd and i was expecting to see a full biohazard team decontaminating the porta-potty or at least an 'out of order' sign but to my surprise there was nothing out of the ordinary and the toilet i crapped in was occupied so i was waiting behind it and some guy waiting after me saw another toilet open and was like 'dude go ahead' and im like 'nah man im waiting for THIS toilet' and he looked at me weird and went in the other one and then some other guy comes up to me and hes like 'dude you dont want to go in that porta potty' and i was like 'oh yea why not' and hes like 'some guy took a massive **** in the urinal man' and i was like 'holy **** how massive' and hes like 'dude its unbelievable honest to god its the biggest turd ive ever seen in my life' and im ****ing dying laughing my ass off and hes going on about the turd and he was like 'yea i showed my friends and we all got our pictures taken with it' and im about to piss myself but im tryin to keep a straight face and he said there was actually a line to witness the turd like it was some kind of goddamn tourist attraction and i had to be like 'wow whoever did that must be a god' and the guy was like '****ing a man' so finally a disgusted guy came out of the toilet i was waiting for and i went in there and the urinal was completely covered in duct tape like they sealed off the turd and i was like 'oh noooo' and tried to take the tape off but just then someone pounded on the door and was like 'get out we need to clean these' so i had to leave and i never got to see the turd again but the legend lives on man

when i was walking through the parking lot at first i was like 'wtf why are people putting tarps over their cars' but then on day two when i went to get more beer from my car i realized why because the parking lot was dustier than mad max and every time one of the thousands of cars in the lot drove by it would stir up a sandstorm and coat all the cars with it so every car had a ****load of thick dust on it and a bunch of guys went around and wrote **** and drew dicks all over most of the cars so a ****load of cars had giant dicks on the windows and someone else went around rating each dick drawing and some of them were pretty good but on the way home it was funny because as far as 150 miles away from the fest i would drive by cars on I-81 with giant wangs all over the windows and other people on the road must have been like 'whats with all these dirty cars with genitalia drawn on them' but man the state bacon picked up on that **** real fast and pulled over pretty much every car that was dirty because they knew theyd probably find drugs and when i left the festival i was like 5 miles down the road in some hick town and i see a cop coming in the other direction and i quickly buckled my seat belt and checked my speed and i was going 35 so i was like 'he aint got **** on me im fine' but i looked in the mirror and he was turning around so i was like 'ah **** **** ****' and i tried to turn down a street before he could see where i turned but he found me and pulled my ass over and this cop was a real piece of **** and he got up to my car and was like 'let me guess youre coming from moe fest' and i was like 'yea its called moe down' and he took my license and was like 'how old are you' and i was like 'that license you are holding says im 19' and he didnt like that at all and was like 'so did you guys smoke any dope or drink' and i was like 'nope' and hes like 'cmon sure ya did' and i was like 'no i didnt' and hes like 'then why were you there' and im like 'for the music' and hes like 'so if i search your car am i gonna find anything that shouldnt be there' and i was like 'yea my friend left a sweatshirt in my trunk that probably shouldnt be in my car' and hes like 'thats not what i meant' and i was like 'well what do you mean' and hes like 'will i find any dope' and i was like 'whats that' because i ****ing hate when cops call it dope because nobody else calls it dope and its a dead giveaway that you are a cop but the cop was like 'marijuana you know what im talking about' and i was like 'no i dont theres none of that in my car' and hes like 'well i pulled you over for doing 49 in a 30' and i didnt wanna argue because i had some **** in my trunk so i was like 'oh really' and he was like 'ill be back' and he sat in his car for like 10 minutes and finally came back and was like 'so you mean to tell me that you went to your little moe fest and didnt drink or smoke grass' and i was like 'yes' and hes like 'i find that hard to believe' and i was like 'i dont appreciate you stereotyping me' and hes like 'im not' and im like 'so you think just because i went to a music festival that i smoked pot and drank' and hes like 'thats not what im saying' and i was like 'your badge number is on that ticket right' and hes like 'yes' and handed me my stuff back with the ticket and was like 'drive safe' and left but man what a dickhead he ****ing knows i cant afford to drive back up to court in NY to dispute that ticket and its complete bull**** it even says "radar" in quotes like its some kind of metaphor for the cop just guessing that im speeding but im gonna plead not guilty on the ticket anyway so he has to show up to court and waste his time and yea i know my fine is doubled if i dont show up but thats the price im willing to pay to piss this pig off

somewhere in the campgrounds there was a guy with a megaphone claiming to be the sheriff and he sounded real official and would come on throughout the day and go 'please be advised' and everyone would think it was the police and then hed say something like 'tomorrow is labor day you dont have work go get ****ed up by order of the turin sheriff department' or 'you didnt spend 95 bucks to jerk off in a tent all day so go see a band' and he was saying crap the whole weekend and i thought it was a cop every single time so finally im walkin down the main road and i see the real county sheriff walking out towards the parking lot and hes not even 100 feet away when the fake sheriff gets on the megaphone and is like 'please be advised the county sheriff has just left moe down so feel free to take out your drugs again' and the real sheriff just laughed and shook his head and i dont think he gave a **** plus theres nothing much he can do this place is pretty much an open drug market for 9000 people and they dont have nearly enough manpower to crack down on it and i think they are just there to catch naked wooks on too much acid running through the woods and i did see at least 3 naked wooks on the very horizon of the mountain and when i was walking around shakedown at 5 in the morning i saw some guy walking around looking for ground scores and he saw this one bag on the ground with nasty brown crap in it and he picked it up and was like 'hmmm' and some other guy was like 'dont take that thats how you end up naked and lost in the woods' but the guy was like 'OH YEAH' and stuffed all the **** in his mouth in defiance and later that day i went into the woods along the vendor area to take a piss and i saw that same guy passed out face up in a creek and he wasnt quite naked but he was totally ****ed and should have listened to the warning but he didnt and my piss ended up rolling down the hill and settling up against his arm that was still on land

i had some cool neighbors and some weird neighbors and this one dude that set up right next to my tent was pretty cool because he brought a giant grill and like 2 pounds of bacon and hed come in my tent and blaze and wed all have delicious delicious bacon but man these ****ing weirdos to the other side of my tent just played water pong all day yes thats beer pong with just water and no beer and i was like 'wtf is the point' and they would play on a 2 foot long table which looked ghetto as **** and they played beethoven and mozart on a boombox and i felt like i was at a ****ing renaissance fair with these douchebags and they were a total buzzkill so i was like 'dude can you turn the mozart down' and they were like 'its mot mozart its tchaikovsky' in a matter of fact voice so i was like 'fine can you turn the tychotski down' and they were like 'no' so i decided to annoy the **** out of them with my music so i put my ipod on and i have an annoying music playlist just for situations like this and it consisted of songs like the benny hill theme and 'never gonna give you up' and 'i touch myself' and stupid **** like that and i just put this on repeat and blasted it loud as hell and after 2 hours of this the douchebags got up and packed their **** right in the middle of me doing the robot to the safety dance but good ****ing riddance within no time some chill laid back wook set up his tent where their **** was and he kept to himself the rest of the weekend so i got no problems with that but yea heres a picture i got of one of the douchebags taking a towel nap

nitrous is laughing gas and its sold for typically 5 bucks for a balloon and if you huff it like you should then **** gets all 'wah wah wohhh woooohhhhh wohhhhhhhhhhhhh' and like noises fade out and you can just hear the bass thumpin and its like a 30 second zone-out from reality and its probably the safest drug you can do but people are idiots and ive seen all kinds of nitrous related injuries and most are from the dealers themselves who touched the freezing cold nitrous tank and got a burn scar but if you watch people huff a whole balloon in one take they usually faint and its funny like this weekend i saw one dude huff too much and fall over and completely klobber this one dudes tent and he snapped the poles and just destroyed the thing and someone was in the tent and was like 'aw man wtf just happened i cant get out' and it was pretty amusing to watch and then the dude woke up from his faint and was like 'oh no what time is it' and someone else was like '330 in the morning' and hes like 'oh thank god dunkin donuts is still open' and i dunno wtf he was talking about because this festival was miles from everything and he was way too hammered to drive anywhere and i kinda forgot about it but the next morning i was walking to my car to get some more beer and i saw the same guy lugging a wagon with like 25 boxes of donuts and he was like 'i made it 14 miles to a dunkin donuts AND didnt get arrested' and wow i dunno how he pulled that **** off or why he even wanted dunkin donuts because that **** sucks when you go late at night because all the good donuts are gone and only the ****ty stale ones are left

College party:
so i went up to my friends college this weekend to get ****ed up but when i got there we were trying to figure out what parties to go to and it turns out some dude got murdered in town thursday night by some douchebags from allentown so the cops were out in full force makin sure people arent out murdering so i couldnt really go across town to a party without getting harrased by the po po so i went to a close party a few houses down and it was pretty beat there were like a bunch of 25 year old dudes and maybe like 3 chicks and only one of them was ****able but if i did **** her i dont think id go bragging to my friends about it so i decided to drink as much as i could in 10 minutes time and then get the **** out of there so some fat chick left a bunch of jello shots on the table when she went to the bathroom probably to quietly munch a donut or something but while she was in there i snagged her jello shots and drank four of them and took another four with me and left the party so as im walkin down the sidewalk back to my friends place i see a security guy coming towards me so i tried to cut a left to avoid him but he was like 'hey you stop right there' and he came up to me and i was like 'whats up' and hes like 'where are you headed to' and i was like 'my friends house to go study' and hes like 'so you are studying with jello shots' and i was like 'i dont know what your talking about sir this is just ordinary jello' and hes like 'so you just happen to be walking from a party with tiny cups of jello at 1:30 in the morning' and i was like 'yea man i like jello but in small doses' and hes like 'let me see your ID' and i was like 'dude i dont have any i left it at home' which actually was true and hes like 'ok get rid of those jello shots and ill let you go' so i was like 'word no problem' and drank one and he was like 'HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING' and i was like 'you told me to get rid of them' and hes like 'i meant throw them out you know that' and i was like 'aw cmon man cant you just look the other way' and hes like 'no throw them out' so i was like 'fine' and went towards a garbage can and fake pretended to fall and was like 'WHOOOPS' and then jerked my arm with the jello shots towards my face and was like 'OH NO IM SPILLING JELLO INTO MY MOUTH OH GOD' and i downed the other shots and the security guy was like 'you know i could call the police' and i was like 'relax dude im not out murdering anyone just chill' and he didnt find that funny at all and told me to get the hell out of his sight before i got cited so i did

Dirty car:
the other day i went out to my car in the school parking lot and someone wrote 'holy ****' in the thick dust on my back window and ive been too lazy to brush it off so today i was in another parking lot in a shopping center and i was getting into my car and some lady got out of her car right next to mine and was like 'you should cross that off of your back window its offensive' and i was like 'what' and shes like 'what it says on your back window' and i was like 'huh what does it say' and shes like 'you know what it says' and im like 'no i honestly dont see what youre talking about' and i got in my car to pull out and she went to touch my back window and i was like '***** DONT YOU ****ING TOUCH MY CAR' because seriously who does this lady think she is and im sick of these vigilante moms trying to be society cops and man when i yelled that she jumped and gave me a shocked look and went back to her car but before i left i wrote '**** you lady' in the dust on my side window and made damn sure she saw that as i left but later i went back to my car and someone had crossed out all the obscenities and in their place was a bunch of dick drawings and i hope it rains soon so i dont have to keep driving around with dicks drawn on my car

9/11:
well on 9/11 i was in middle school and i was in math class when principal semen got on the intercom and was like 'there was an incident in new york but class will not be cancelled' and we were all like 'wtf why would class be cancelled' and the school cut off all internet and tv access so nobody had any idea what happened and i went around telling people that king kong attacked the empire state building again and kids were like 'wtf shut up man no he didnt' and then some kid called his mom and heard that some building got attacked and everyone was like 'omg maybe he was right about king kong' but nobody really had any idea what happened until we got home and turned on the tv and then i was like 'holy ****' and i really didnt know anyone who died in it besides all my uncles neighbors because they were all firefighters that lived like 25 miles away but man my uncles house got covered in that soot and ash from the collapse and it got in the fish tank because the windows were open and we had to drain the water and it was a pain in the ass and one of the fish died in the process and if i ever see osama bin laden im gonna be like 'this is for my uncles fish' and then shoot him in the dome and yes i know what youre all thinking and its true my principals name was mr semen and we made all the jokes you could make about his name and eventually he quit to become a trucker

Oldsmobile:
i was driving to school today and some guy in an oldsmobile was going way to slow and man whats the deal with that because it seems like everyone who drives an oldsmobile drives it slow as hell and im sure the car is capable of going fast because my friend got one as a rental car once when we were in fort lauderdale even though thats not really much of a fort i was expecting something badass like with tall wooden walls and indians attacking from every side with cowboys holding them off with rifles but i guess they got their indian problem under control there maybe they let them open up a casino or something not that thats a good thing because i went to some indian casino in new york and it sucked and the blackjack dealer was totally cheating with like chief magic or something because i kept getting 12s and then busting and they dont like it when you call every employee there 'chief' but it was just a casual thing like dude or man like when i would get a drink or something id just be like 'thanks chief' but they get all pissed off and its like dude we fought the british off of your land so theyd stop annoying you and spelling 'color' with a u and this is the thanks the white man gets but apparently not and wtf why do they spell color with a u and whats with pronouncing aluminum like 'ally mini um' thats just ridiculous and there used to be a british kid in my chemistry class that pronounced it like that and i got him in trouble and made the teacher think he broke a bunch of test tubes when really it was me but that was back when i used to break lab equipment just for the sake of breaking it because our teacher was a ***** and she gave me a 62 for the year man what a stupid fat ***** its like every example she gave had something to do with a cheeseburger or potato chips or something shed be like 'lets pretend this atom is a quarter pounder with cheese and this other atom is the mayo that mcdonalds forgot to put on' and it was like she was trying to plan out her lunch while teaching us even though it was only like 930 in the morning thats how fat *****es think

Voltage:
we had to do some dumbass physics lab today and my teacher is an idiot and had no idea how to work the lab software and it was some crap involving voltage and the software was supposed to put out like 5 volts at the most so i print screened the software and edited it in ms paint to say it was putting out 3000 volts and i put in big red letters "WARNING EXPLOSION IMMINENT" and then i called the teacher over and was like 'uh i dont think its working right' and she read the screen and was like 'omg explosion imminent WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO' and she started bugging out and i was like 'jesus christ relax i didnt think you would fall for that its fake' and shes like 'oh thank god' but man what a dumbass

College parties, take two:
so for halloween weekend i went up to penn state for the ohio game but i had no intention of going to the game or even watching it for that matter so friday and saturday night there were a ton of halloween parties and my friend went as the guido guy from the my new haircut video and he brought a huge tub of protein with him and thought it was original but when we were going through town there were ****ing hundreds of people going as the guido guy so it was kinda *** but i had the great idea of filling the protein tub with beer so we just kept drinking out of that and met up with a few more people at a frat and kept walking through town drinking and i saw a porta potty and was like 'dude we have to tip it' so me and my friend charged it and knocked it over and when it fell over we saw a cop standing behind it about 10 feet back just staring at us so i didnt even think twice i was just like 'OH **** RUN' and i ran fast as a mother****er and didnt even find half of the people i was with but i met up with one of my friends and went to a house party after the game ended but it was weird because all these old guys who must have followed OSU around found this party because it was loud as **** and they had djs and bands on the porches and **** so it was like the first place for people who werent from penn state to go party and this one 40 year old guy from boston was out on the porch chillin with the rest of us college kids and he came up to me and was like 'you look like you smoke weed' and i was like 'uh thanks' and hes like 'do you have a blunt or a piece' and i was like 'no are you a cop' and hes like 'would a cop do this' and pulled a 12 pack of beer out of his bag and gave one to me and then pulled out a bag and ate something and i think it was a mushroom so i was like 'ok you convinced me' and hes like 'if you get a blunt we can go blaze' and i was about to go to the store and buy a blunt but i decided not to because wtf why cant that guy get his own ****ing blunt he must have been a cop or something trying to bust me so whatever **** that pig so after that me and my friend had a good system down at this party and we would go to one side of the house and fill up our beer at the keg and then make our way to the other side of the house and go to the bar and get a shot of tequila and chase it with the beer then finish the beer and go get another beer from the keg and repeat and hit on girls along the way and this one girl was walking through the party with a dog and i was like 'hey its michael vicks wife' and she thought that was hilarious and we started talking and she had some crazy stories man and she said she was driving drunk one night through town and almost hit some ****er but she swerved out of the way and rolled down her window to yell at the guy and she realized it was joe paterno and holy **** man everyone in penn state would have murdered her if she actually hit that guy but whatever so i got tired of hearing her stories and was getting pretty drunk so i was just like 'are we gonna **** are what' and she was like 'uh ok'

and man i love that line because i swear it works like 50 percent of the time and its a good way to cut all the bull**** flirting and hard work just to get laid so i took her upstairs to one of the bathrooms and when i opened the door some guy was ****ing this girl wearing a shirt that said 'i love ecstasy' and she was obviously rolling ****ing hard but i was like 'yo dude do you mind if we use the shower' and hes like 'go for it' so i took the girl in the shower and closed the curtains and ****ed the **** out of her but while we were ****ing the guy who was ****ing the girl on E kept yelling weird **** like 'yea ***** im the ****ing man' and 'im ****ing you' and i think he forgot we were in the shower but wtf who says 'im ****ing you' while you are ****ing someone its like yea no **** you are and i wonder if that guy just says everything he does like when hes in his car he just yells 'im ****ing driving' or if hes shaving hes like 'yea im ****ing shaving' but yea whatever so when i was done with this chick she was like 'yea so i should get your number or something' and i was like 'do you know my name' and shes like 'omg no sorry im such an idiot' but i never tell people my name just so i can ask them that later so i was like 'ok well leave it at that' and i found my friend and we hit the keg and bar a few more times and left the party completely ****ing wasted and i dunno what happened after that but i woke up on a bus that loops campus 24-7 and it was like 5 in the morning and i was still really drunk but i managed to make it back to my car and i passed out in the back and woke up at like 1 in the afternoon and my friend somehow found his way to the car and was sleeping in the front seat so we hit the road to get back home and stopped at a rest stop along the way to take the morning-after beer **** and while we were taking our dumps some dad came in the bathroom with his little kid and was like 'you have to poop right' and the kid was like 'yeaaaahhhh' so they were crapping next to us and i hear the kid say 'whats that say daddy' and he must have been reading some **** written on the stall door and the little kid was like 'B-L-O-W-M-E whats that mean' and the dad was like 'its just a bunch of junk' and me and my friend were cracking up but man that weekend was sweet and i didnt even find out the score of the ohio game until monday

Mischief:
so on mischief night me and a few friends always get a bunch of paintball guns and hide in the bushes in front of my house and wait for people to **** with my yard and then we light them the **** up with paintballs so this year we were chillin in the bushes just waiting and we were waiting a couple of hours and had a few beers but around like midnight i hear the faint sound of mailboxes being smashed and kids laughing and it was getting closer and closer and they were coming down our street so i was like 'wait until they hit our neighbors mailbox and then open fire' so the car came around the bend and sure enough they whacked my neighbors mailbox and we popped out of the bushes with guns blazing and shot the **** out of that ****ing car and id say we each got about 50 rounds off before the car sped away and it was so ****ing loud and those kids must have been scared ****less but thats what they get for ****ing with mailboxes and the street had broken glass from whoever shot out their taillight or mirror but like 5 seconds after the car sped off a cop came out of ****ing nowhere and stopped short and got out with his gun drawn and was like 'DROP YOUR WEAPONS' so we all dropped the paintball guns and just then another cop pulled up and they made all 3 of us sit on the curb we tried telling them that we were just shooting at a car that was smashing mailboxes but they thought we were smashing the mailboxes until another cop radioed them and was like 'yea im down the street right now i just pulled over a car that looks like it was shot up with paintballs and ive got 4 kids one of them needs an ambulance' and im thinking 'oh ****' i guess we shot one of the kids but long story short the cops found the bats in their car and they admitted to smashing mailboxes which is a felony and apparently one of us shot a kid in the ear and ruptured his eardrum or some **** and a couple of the other kids got shot and had welts but nothing serious but the family of the kid who got shot in the ear wanted to press charges so me and my two friends got charged with assault but thankfully it got dropped a few days later because the kids were smashing mailboxes and the police told them it was in their best interest to drop the charges so nothing really bad happened to us but those ****ers smashing the mailboxes are being charged with malicious destruction of property and tampering with mail and all this other **** and on top of that i saw their car and that **** was completely ****ed up and its covered in dents and has a busted window and some busted mirrors and lights and the interior is stained with paint and it looks like all that happened to me and my friends is some criminal mischief charge from the police that is probably gonna be dropped because the cops said we were just protecting our property and a few of the cops thought it was actually pretty funny that we shot up their car