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By: a guest on Jan 12th, 2013  |  syntax: None  |  size: 3.68 KB  |  views: 409  |  expires: Never
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  1. https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B3VET4kKyVkNSnM3Z0Nma3JUNWc/edit?pli=1
  2.  
  3. PROBLEMS
  4.  
  5. WELLWINDS AIRPORT
  6. - THE CIVILIANS WHO ARE TRAPPED BY THE SEC. UNITS ARE ACTING BOTH AFRAID AND NONCHALANT ABOUT THE SITUATION. ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE AFRAID OR NOT?
  7. EX: "H-HELP!!!!"
  8. "SOMEONE HELP!"
  9. "There must be something wrong with the security units."
  10. "Oh really? I hadn't noticed..."
  11. - THE SCENE WHERE THE AIRPORT RECEPTIONIST TALKS WITH THE SECURITY GUARD SHOULD BE CUT SINCE IT LITERALLY SERVES NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER.
  12.  
  13. POLICE STATION INTERROGATION ROOM
  14. - "WOW JUMPING JACKALS!"
  15. - THE REST OF THIS SCENE IS FINE, SAVE FOR A COUPLE OF GRAMMATICAL ERRORS THAT I HOPE YOU'VE ALREADY FIXED IN THE FINAL VERSION.
  16.  
  17. GOOM U
  18. - ONE OF THE STUDENTS BLATANTLY CALLS MARIO A "LEGEND", YET SHE DOESN'T REACT AT ALL UNTIL STUDENT 3 COMES OVER AND CALLS MARIO "MUSHROOM KINGDOM PROPAGANDA"
  19. -SPEAKING OF WHICH, WHY DID TEX T. EXPLICITLY OVERREACT WHEN THE STUDENTS CALL HER OUT FOR BELIEVING IN MARIO IN THE FIRST PLACE? IT'S ALREADY BEEN ESTABLISHED THAT SHE'S HAD THIS ARGUMENT WITH THESE GIRLS BEFORE AND THAT SHE THINKS THEY ARE "IDIOTS" FOR NOT BELIEVING IN HER, SO YOU'D THINK SHE'D SHOW SOME SORT OF MATURITY AND CONSTRAINT IN HER REACTION, OR NOT BOTHER TO REACT AT ALL SEEING AS SHE'S ALREADY ARGUED WITH THEM BEFORE TO SUPPOSEDLY NO EFFECT. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BOTHER TO ARGUE WITH BULLIES AGAIN ANYHOW?
  20. - THE WORD "PROPAGANDA" IS BEING THROWN AROUND A BIT TOO MUCH HERE.
  21. - "OH MY GOD!" YOU SHOULDN'T REALLY BE THROWING AROUND THAT PHRASE AS IF IT'S THE NORM TO SAY SHIT LIKE THAT IN PAPER MARIO, WHICH IS NOT. AND IIRC THERE REALLY ISN'T A SOLE GOD IN THE PM WORLD, SO WHY WOULD SHE BE SAYING IT?
  22.  
  23. GOOM U BATTLE
  24. - TONE DOWN THE FUCKING STAMMERING HOLY SHIT
  25.  
  26. GOOM U POSTBATTLE/HISTORY DEPT ROOM
  27. - T-TONE D-DOWN T-THE F-FUCKING ST-STAMMERING H-HOLY S-SHIT. DID YOU SEE GOOMBELLA SPOUT AS MUCH "F-F-F" BULLSHIT AS THIS? NO?
  28. - I JUST REALIZED HOW ANNOYING FULL-CAPITAL SENTENCES ARE. FOR FUCKS SAKE, PLEASE KEEP THEM TO A MINIMUM. YOU CAN FIND MORE WAYS TO EXPRESS OVERREACTION WITHOUT HAVING TO RESORT TO TYPING IN ALL COMPLETE CAPS.
  29.  
  30. WORKSWELL CITY ABANDONED BUILDING
  31. - I'M SURE YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE A TILDE AS IF IT WAS AN EXCLAMATION MARK OR SOMETHING.
  32. - "So heroic~" -> "So heroic!~"; "Wow Mario you're so amazing~" -> "Wow Mario you're so amazing!~"
  33. - THAT "EXPELLED" LINE FROM MISTER SPIRAL...THAT WAS HORRIBLE.
  34. - MISTER SPIRAL'S NOT REALLY WRITTEN THAT WELL IN MY OPINION.
  35.  
  36. OUTSIDE ABANDONED BUILDING
  37. - ...WHY DID MARIO GIVE TEX T. A THUMBS UP FOR? SEEMED COMPLETELY OUT OF PLACE.
  38. - "This sucks..." EVEN TONED-DOWN PSEUDO-SWEARS LIKE "sucks" SHOULDN'T BELONG IN THE MARIO WORLD.
  39.  
  40. GOOM U HISTORY DEPT ROOM
  41. - ONE THING TO CONSIDER IS THE CONSTANT ANNOYING MIDSENTENCE CUT-OFFS, WHICH IS PREVALENT IN ALL OF THE SCRIPT. YOU SHOULD TONE IT DOWN.
  42.  
  43. LARGEST COMPLAINTS
  44. - Tex T. doesn't seem to have a defined personality because seems to go from being "smart, but somewhat shy tech girl with an obsession" to "introverted beta who stammers in front of everyone" and "overly-fanatic fangirl who LOVES TO SCREAM".
  45. - Tex T.'s stuttering really needs to be confined. It doesn't add to her timid characteristic that much and using it for every other word she speaks is dreadfully annoying.
  46. - I see that you don't really use much commas for words that are capable of being independent clauses such as "Alright" and "Wow", thus creating rigid sentences which doesn't sound nice at all. For example, you tend to formulate these sentences like this:
  47. "Wow that's amazing!"
  48. You can try using a comma to separate "Wow" as shown, which sounds much nicer:
  49. "Wow, that's amazing!"
  50. - Midsentence cutoffs and full-capital sentences need to be toned town.
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