Fluffy Rights

Biscuit, April 19, 2013; 13:01 / FB 10341
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The hallowed halls of the United Nations General Assembly hummed with conversation, as the international delegates spoke in whispered tones – some neutral, some hateful – about the soon-to-be historic speech they’d have to listen to. Jerome watched all of this from one of the observation rooms, adjusting the volume on his headset, and making sure the translation program was running on his computer. The golden glow of the stage, along with the warm and solemn aura that seemed to flow from the wood paneling, was not comforting enough to put him in a relaxed state of mind – too much coffee, and the anxiety of what was soon to happen was keeping him jittery and nervous.

The UN secretary-general stumbled to the lectern facing the general assembly.

“Alright,” she said, completely ignoring proper parliamentary procedure, “let’s take our seats and get this over with. While I’m sure most of us already have our preconceived notions and opinions about the- the thing here, I’m going to ask that everyone listen and take seriously what’s about to be said. So, uh... yeah.” She slapped the lectern and stumbled back to her seat, taking a pill bottle from her inner coat pocket and depositing the contents into her mouth.

A man wearing the uniform of the UN security police approached the lectern, carrying a blue and white fluffy wearing a specially made headset. He placed the fluffy on the lectern, and lowered the microphone to the fluffy’s mouth.

A delegate from the Great Republic of Texas forgot to turn off his microphone as he said, “sheeeiiitt.”

The fluffy pony, a male unicorn, looked out at the audience and spoke.

“Hewwo Hoomins,” the fluffy said. His eyes widened as his head jerked back in shock. “Wow, Booma’s voiwce sound funneh.”

“Yer tellin’ me,” the same delegate from Texas muttered, this time making sure his microphone was turned off.

“Hoomins, fwuffy’s name is Booma, and Booma need tawlk about sum tings. Booma heah cuz fwuffies wanna be tweated wike fewwow hoomins, and noht wike dummies dat get biggest owies all da time.”

People in a back room, whispering into headsets, translated the English fluffy speak into their local languages and dialects.

The Australian delegate spoke into the mic. “Vat is thees “fellow huuuman” nonsense?”

Boomer smiled. “Hewwo hoomin! Fwuffies have pieces of hoomin in ‘dem, so we wan be tweated wike hoomins too.”

Whispering commenced, as delegates were reminded that fluffies contained up to ten percent of human DNA.

“Hoomins have tings called ‘wights’ dat dey get cuz dey awive and have tinkings. Fwuffies awive and have tinkings too, so fwuffies wanna be pwotected and not get huwt by meanie hoomin munstas.”

The United States delegate flicked on his microphone. “Mr. Boomer, thanks for meeting with us today.”

“Hoomin wewlcome!”

“While it’s true that fluffy ponies were partially made using human DNA-” Boomer listened into his headphone as Jerome translated the speech into fluffy-speak, “-I have to say that your desire for fluffies to be treated like humans doesn’t hold any water.”

Boomer cocked his head. “What hoomin mean?”

The US delegate blinked. “Well... what I mean is, your argument doesn’t float!”

“Dat’s cuz awguhmhent not fwoaty-ting. It wurds!”

The US delegate let out a defeated sigh. “No more questions,” he said, as leaned back in his chair. He pulled out his wallet and handed a twenty dollar bill to the Uruguay delegate, who snatched it out of his hand with a smirk.

“But if hoomin pieces no mean fwuffies have wights, den why do bitey-wawa munstas have wights too?”

Boomer lifted a hoof and pointed to the portable water tank that contained the Dolphin Nation delegates. The lead dolphin let out clicks, chirps, and air bubbles that spoke of profane and physically impossible sex acts, followed by a promise to violently rape and eat all fluffies as soon as the Dolphin Nation’s military had enough amphibious assault tanks. Jerome simply translated that as “bitey-wawa munsta sez otay.” No need to scare Boomer.

“Listen,” the Abyssinian delegate said, “we had proof of Dolphins’ sapience long before we learned their language, and granted them rights despite knowing what vile and miserable creatures they are. What proof do we have that you guys are even alive? I mean, you’re just biotoys. Made for our amusement.”

Boomer checked his notes carefully, before addressing the question. “If hoomins pwick fwuffy, do not fwuffy make boo-boo juice? If hoomins tickle fwuffy, do not fwuffy waff? If hoomins poiwson fwuffy, do not fwuffy take forevah-sweepies?”

“He’s quoting that Al Pacino movie!” a delegate from England said. Later, when he was made fun of for not knowing it was from Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice, the delegate said he was being ironic.

“Smawtest Fwuffies know fwuffies come fwom hoomins, dat smarty hoomins made fwuffies in-” Boomer peered at his notes “la-bwa-tow-wee. Dat means fwuffies are hoomins’ babbehs, if yu tink about it!”

“Hey, Boomer, do you know what my answer is?” The USA delegate said.

“Wat dat?”

“Spaghetti.”

Boomer wagged his tail. “Sketties gud answa!” Boomer addressed the rest of the assembly. “But best answa is fwuffies get same wights as hoomins.”

The USA delegate groaned as he was pestered by the open palm of the grinning Uruguay delegate.

A German delegate flicked on her mic. “On behalf of Germany, we completely agree that fluffies should have equal rights as human beings.”

“Tank yu nice wady! Booma happy!”

The German delegate smiled. “Fluffy ponies have all shown levels of sapience, and aren’t just talking toys. While they aren’t as intelligent as humans or dolphins...” the German delegate stumbled as she saw the lead Dolphin Nation delegate thrusting his erect penis at her, but quickly recovered. “They show the same level of self-awareness as human toddlers. Who here would argue that fluffy ponies should be treated differently than our own children, just because they were made in a lab?” She gave a challenging stare to the United States delegates. “Regardless of the outcome of today’s vote, the German nation will grant equal rights to fluffy ponies.”

Boomer clapped his hooves together. “Tank you so, so much! Booma wuv yu!”

The German delegate turned off her mic and whispered to her assistant, “It’s not like there’s many of those shitrats in Germany anyway. And besides, if those babbling idiots ever evolve real intelligence, Germany will look like it was on the right side of history.”

The Mexican delegate leaned into the table. “For a change, mang.”

“Piss off, Miguel.”

The secretary-general called a vote to approve the Fluffy Pony Equal Rights Amendment. It barely passed. Only the Dolphin Nation delegates abstained from voting, as they were too busy having an orgy.

--

Jerome was led out of the guest room to the general lobby.

“I can’t believe it passed,” Jerome said to the guard escorting him. “I mean, I know it’s just symbolic. It’s not like the U.N. can force any nation to follow it, but it’s a good start.”

“Yep,” the guard said. “First time at a general assembly?”

“Oh yes,” Jerome said. “It was very interesting to see. It wasn’t at all fanciful or exaggerated for comedic effect.”

“That’s right,” the guard said. “Here’s the lobby.”

Boomer ran up to Jerome and reared up, holding out his front hooves. “Daddeh! Huggies!”

Jerome picked up Boomer and hugged him, as Boomer burst into tears.

“Boomer! What’s wrong?”

“So scawed! Meanie hoomins use wawa words, try an make fwuffy pony dwown! Den twy and twick Booma wif sketties!”

“I heard that,” Jerome said, gently patting Boomer’s soft back. “But you’re the certified smartest fluffy in the world. You wouldn’t fall for that.”

Boomer leaned back to stare up at his human father. “Booma get chest-owies for bein’ smawtest fwuffy. Booma be smawtest fwuffy onwy mean dat Booma know fwuffies are dummies, and know dat fwuffies get biggest owies tu easy.” Boomer leapt at Jerome’s neck, hugging him with his little hooves. His tears dripped down his cheek. “Just wan hoomins and fwuffies be happy toget’er. Nu more meanie owies.”

Boomer snuggled into his daddy’s chest as he was carried outside.

“Boomer, look!”

Boomer leaned away from Jerome’s chest, and gasped at what he saw on the grass. Hundreds of fluffy ponies cheering his name.

“Hooway Booma!”

“Yay! Booma smawtest fwuffy evah!”

“Wan speshul huggies wif Booma, hav babbehs!”

“Fwuffy nu idea wat goin' on, but yay!”

Boomer gasped in delight at the fluffies cheering for what he did. “Dun worry fwuffies! Fwuffies get wights too! It be many buwning baw in sky fwom now, maybe onwy babbehs’ babbehs get wights, but fwuffies will hav dem too!”

The fluffies cheered. Boomer still cried, but now it was from good feelings in his chest.