Magical Scrubbernaut Heather Crunch vs Magical Reanimator Va

Magical Scrubbernaut Heather Crunch vs Magical Reanimator Valentina Tenko, Magical Burn Jade Nakajima, and Magical Omnishow Amber Nakajima

I stare down my cards and TACTICALLY study how I could play out my hand. STRATEGICALLY taking into account my current lands, and my army of mana producing elves, I FORMULATE my next maneuver on the battlefield.

“Finally. The sands in the hourglass trickle down, Seeker of Truth. You could pass and let us play real magic.” Valentina Tenko asks from my left, impatiently drumming her fingers across the kitchen table. Amber Nakajima, on my right, giggles in agreement, as she flicks through her hand, before setting it back down, only to flick through the cards again. She winks at her sister, Jade, who sat across from me. They thought their COY and SECRET twin sign language would PASS unnoticed, but not to one as GRAND as I! I’m watching you Nakajima, and you as well, Other Nakajima.

“Just you watch, Soul Temperer, because I’m about to BLOW you away!” I say, well, more so shout. Heather Crunch only has one voice. Her voice. Warmaster Russ calls it my “outdoor voice”. I tap three Elvish Visionaries for Heritage Druid’s effect, and make 3 green mana. Then I tap my Deathrite Shamans, Elvish Mystics, and Llanovar Elves to make even more green mana, before tapping a Gaea’s Cradle, and immediately play another one, sacrificing the first Cradle, and then tapping the second, followed by paying two mana to my Shrine of Nykthos and tapping it to add more green mana.

“Incoming Fireball?” Amber asks, as she twirls her hand over her untapped islands. “You going to win Crunchy? You know the stakes of the game. If you lose, you take the winner on a date. If you win, we take you and your cute butt out for ice cream.”

“Far better than a WEAK and OBVIOUS fireball! I, Heather Crunch, MASTER TACTICIAN, will take all this mana, and dump it into a 99/99 PRIMORDIAL HYDRA! WHAT WILL YOU DO NAKAJIMA, WHEN THE CRUNCH TRAIN TRAMPLES THROUGH YOUR MEAGER DEFENSES!?” I POSE, smirking as I MAJESTICALLY windmill the hydra on to the table. Hah! And Nakajima thought this children’s card game of hers would have been too “complex” for Heather Crunch! I will win this game and be FREE of these VILE seductresses, AND I WILL HAVE ICECREAM!

“Welllllll, I tap two blue, and cast Counterspell targeting Primordial Hydra.” Nakajima taps her two of her three islands and tosses a blue spell onto the table.

“You what?”

“I counter your hydra Crunchy. It never hits the table.” She makes an INFURIATING gesture at this. “Poof. It’s gone.”

“B-but. NAKAJIMAAAAAAAAA! YOU CHEAP, CONTEMPTIBLE COURTESAN WHO PLAYS BLUE!” I voice my displeasure at her unfair tactics in a portioned and measured response. My beautiful plan was RUINED, but I had prepared in advance! Sun Tzu once said, no plan survives contact with the enemy. THUS, my brilliance was that I never had one in the first place! I tap five of my forests, and then sacrifice the rest, and play the creature in my hand.

“7/7 Wood Elemental! COUNTER THAT NAKAJIMA! Also I pass turn. And Soul Temperer. Take YOUR hand off MY butt.”

The two girls stare at me, no doubt rendered SPEECHLESS by my masterful plan.

“Seeker of Enlightenment.” The Soul Temperer was reduced to a MONOTONE by my MASTERY and AMAZING ass which she STILL has a hand on! “That might just have been-“

“The. Stupidest. Play. Ever. Like… wow. I’m not even going to dignify that with a counter.” Nakajima says, shaking her head as she steps in for the Soul Temperer. “Eurotrash, it’s your turn. Please. Do something to get the thought of un-ironically playing Wood Elemental out of my head. You’re still at 20, last I checked?”

“Correct.” The Soul Temperer untaps her few lands and draws for her turn. She gives my butt a good (NO, A NOT GOOD) squeeze, before finally withdrawing her hand. “Alright, you have a single blue mana untapped, not enough for a counterspell, and all your Forces have been used up. The hermit crab emerges from her shell in relative safety. I cast Gyro’s Revengence to reanimate Griselbrand from my grave, and pay 7 life to draw seven cards.” She frowns, clearly displeased at her draw. “Hm, I’ll pay another 7 life to draw seven more, leaving me at 6. Yes, this is good. Moving to declare atta-“

“I tap an island for blue and cast Vapor Snag targeting Griselbrand, and return it to your hand, and deal one damage to you. Who says blue can’t do burn!” Nakajima PUFFS up with SMUG as she tosses the card on the table, and draws an imaginary line with her finger to Tenko’s big, scary, black demon.

“You had that acorn in your stash, you conniving squirrel?” Tenko asks her, “Sigh, I’m at 5 and tapped out. I pass. Go, Child of Chaos. Durdle for another turn won’t you?”

“SEE?!” I say, pointing a finger at the Soul Temperer, “Soul Temperer! Do you not agree with me? Blue is the most UNFAIR and UNFUN color! It even STEALS red’s thing! Burn!”

“Calm yourself, Seeker of Wisdom. It was your glaring radiance and soft buttocks that blinded me to my mistakes. I should have suspected the Child of Chaos still had an answer. I’ll make sure to board in some discard for her next game. Go Eye of the Storm.”

“I’ll play Eidolon of the Great Revel.” The quieter sister says, and drops her creature on the table, ”Whenever someone plays a spell that costs three or less, it deals two damage to them. 4 life. Pass turn.”

Perfect. I have ZERO spells that cost less than four mana. I could just TASTE that DELICIOUS Butterscotch ice cream already, and for once, GRACIOUSLY not paid for out of MY wallet!

“And now that’s out of the way, it’s my turn~.” Nakajima untaps all her islands and draws, “I tap two blue, delve two Forces, three Counterspells, and a Tiago, for Dig Through Time,” the girl looks through the top seven cards of her library, and picks two, placing them in her hand, and the rest on the bottom of her deck, “and with that ladies, I do believe I win.”

“Perhaps the sun shines too brightly in your eyes as well. I Surgical Extraction’d your Enter the Infinite the last time you attempted to combo off, remember? All copies of the card in your grave, hand, and deck were exiled. It is unlikely you would be able to win without it.”

 “Please. I tap two blue, cast Show and Tell. We all reveal a card and place it on the battlefield.” Nakajima drops an Omniscience on the field, while Tenko replays her bounced Griselbrand. I FOLLOW WITH, wait-

“I have NOTHING to play, because you TORE my hand apart with Thoughtseize NAKAJIMAAAAAAA!” I FROWN at her with INTENSITY. “You are TEARING me apart!”

The mad scientist riffles through her hand, now able to cast any spell without paying its mana cost. “Next, I’ll play Burning Wish, and grab the fourth Enter the Infinite in my side board, and cast it, getting right around the Eurotrash’s ‘clever’ play, and draw my entire deck, save one card I put back on top of my library.”

“Yes, and what will that do Nakajima!? The turn after, you’ll have an EMPTY library! And you lose! Nice plan, NOT!”

“Oh, but we’re not done, Crunchy~! Now I have my entire library in my hand, so I can play anything, so here’s a Laboratory Maniac.” Nakajima motions to ask if we have any responses, which we don’t, being tapped out. “Then I cast Brainstorm to draw the last card off my library, and a second Brainstorm to draw again, activating Laboratory Maniac’s ability. Because I tried to draw from my library while I had no cards left, I wi-“

“I exile a Simian Spirit Guide and Lightning Bolt your Laboratory Maniac” the Soul Temperer interrupts, laughing as she tosses her bolt onto the table. “You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I’ll send that Laboratory Maniac to the grave. Your Brainstorm will now resolve, and you’ll have to draw from an empty deck, and lose-“

“YES! YES! YES!” I SHAKE my fists in excitement. BREAK that mind sculpting CHARLATAN, Soul Temperer!

“I cast Counterspell targeting your bolt Valentina. Omniscience, remember?” (NO! NO! NO!)

“Okay. Force of Will your Counterspell. I’m winning next turn anyways.” (YES! YES! YES!)

“Nope. Tiago giving Counterspell flashback until end of turn, then Counterspell your Force of Will, Valentia. Omniscience again.” (NO! NO! NO!)

WILL YOU TWO STOP PLAYING MAGICAL “NO. YOU.”?!

“I see the fleeing octopus has but more ink. I was foolish to believe you were truly out of counters.” The Soul Temperor’s smile had all but disappeared as she began to move her spells to the grave.

“Hehehe~ SCIENCE WINS AGAIN!”

“Sister. Priority passes to me, and I have a spell as well. I cast Volcanic Fallout. It deals two damage to each creature and two to each player. I’ll also stack the Eidolon triggers before my spell. Sister, you and the Soul Temperer are out of the game.”

The Soul Temperer pauses when Jade speaks. “Wait… The Eye of Tempest is still here.” Tenko looks at the table, blinks, then looks at her at her hand, then at Nakajima, then back to her hand, then at the Other Nakajima, then rifles through the stack, then at Jade’s Eidolon, then back to Amber.

“Child of Chaos. What was your life total?”

“24 after your Swords to Plowshares. Why?”

“How many spells did you play this turn?”

“Uh… A lot. Let’s go with a lot. Oh butterpoop.”

“Please tell me you have a counter for your sister’s spell, Child of Chaos.”

Nakajima riffles through her giant hand, desperately searching through her blue spells. “Oh poop. I used my last Taigo in our counter war.”

Tenko, places her cards carefully on the table, and then throws her hands into the air. “FOOLISH CHILD OF CHAOS-
“What, Eurotrash?”

“*OTHER* CHILD OF CHAOS! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” She says, gesturing to Jade. “IN YOUR BLINDNESS, YOU LET –THE IDIOT- WIN! “

“Huh, what do you mean, Eurotrash?”

“Child of Chaos, winter is not over until the last snow has melted.” Tenko reaches for a her notepad and writes our life totals. “I have two spells that will resolve, so Eidolon deals 4 damage to me!” She cross out the 5 and marks her self at 1 life.

Tenko riffles through the stack of cards, popping out Amber's spells. “The Child of Chaos played eight spells this turn that cost three or less, and your Eidolon deals 16 to her, but that’s not important! You cast Volcanic Fallout, which deals 2 damage to EVERY creature! So the Amber will die,” Tenko says, drawing another under Amber’s name, “because her Laboratory Maniac is dead and her Brainstorm will force her to draw from an empty library!”

“Then! Volcanic Fallout will also deal two damage to me! Which leaves me at 0!” Tenko crosses her own name out, and doodles a red skull beneath. “And your spell Jade, will also deal two damage to you, leaving you at 2!”

“However,” Tenko points a finger the Eidolon, “your Eidolon sees that you cast a spell that cost three or less mana, and it will deal two damage to you! Which means-”

“Butterpoop. We all die at the same time, right?”

Jade silently looks down and stares at the stack, and then at the Soul Temperer, then turns at me.

“Oh.”

“HAH!” I JUMP on the table, GLOATING in my victory, and POSE— pointing a finger at Nakajima. “WOOD ELEMENTAL, BABY!”

A table over, Wendy Cooldown sulked near the window with a bottle of whiskey as Heather Crunch celebrated her victory and soon to be delivered ice cream in what most certainly would not be a date, despite the date like connotations. Dark and edgy, in the way only a major love interest could, she casually shuffled her EDH deck.

“Those damn idiots. Must they be so loud? Legacy magic, not even once.” Wendy smirked behind her checkered scarf as she looked through her hand: another perfect turn-one-kill. EDH was truly the epitome of Magic. She had even brought all her fun decks for the night, like Mass Land Destruction, Hermit Druid, and Winter Orb Prison! Now only if she could figure out why she was so damn alone every week for Friday Night Magic…