NON, NONN, AND NONNY IN: BUMP IN THE NIGHT

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES
NON, NONN, AND NONNY IN:
BUMP IN THE NIGHT

>Be Nonny, the filly
>Really who did you expect?
>Sunset Bacon-grease?
>Nah, you were the filly to look out for
>Since the formation of the Filly Triumvirate, you, Non, and Nonn had doing all sorts of crazy ass shit!
>And sometimes being absolute assholes to everyone in an attempt to swindle Booze
>MMMMMMM
>BOOOOZE
>Your mouth involuntarily salivates
>The magical Estus of liquid courage that you have been craving for so long, and have come so close to getting….
>Only to be foiled by Twiggles the Hutt and her lackeys
>You might have a chance this time though…..
>Or maybe not
>Your latest scheme has been….
>Odd, to say the least
>You got it into your head to swindle the populace of Ponyville by performing a play
>It didn’t have to be good or anything, you could’ve Uwe Boll’d this shit and not given a fuck
>But this was….
>Oh shit it’s your line
“It’s over Anakin, I have the high ground!”
>Yeah
>It wasn’t the best choice for a play
>You see, ponies didn’t know much about the Stair Wares
>At least not in the way humans had it
>They probably had some shitty pony-based rip-off of it around somewhere
>Hyperspace Hyperwars or some astronomical piece of diarrhea
>So you had the spectacular idea of introducing them to the wonderful space opera
>Through a play
>With three actors and the budget of a 1930s brutally beaten newspaper boy
>Actually two actors damn it
>Non was nowhere to be found this morning, due to a dentist’s appointment
>Then she got some shit done with her teeth and now she is knocked out like a light
>So you and Nonn tried to manage putting on a play that you had Pinkie over-hype to death
>In front of almost the whole town
>And now it was just painful
>And Episode III seemed like the most logical place to start….
>It had the Sheev spin and a general who badly needed some cough syrup
>What could go wrong?
>It turns out a lot actually
>The audience, or what was left of it, milled about in confusion, many recognizable faces throughout
>Even the CMC were there, drawn by the spectacle of the failure, like it was a cringy weeaboo holding a katana in public
>Revolting, but one finds it difficult to turn away from such a train wreck
>The play stumbles forward, your poorly mended cardboard set creaking
>You stand on a platform a few feet up from Nonn, who was standing on a cardboard box in a puddle of ketchup
>The ketchup was Pinkie’s donation
>It was at least well-intentioned
>You and Nonn were also holding pillows rather than lightsabers, as your original idea to use colored steel pipes mortified a concerned Twi, whom confiscated your goods, thinking you were gonna use it to-
>Ahem
>”Be a bad influence on Non and blah blah I’m fat and smell like a bag of Doritos and horse-shit and I have issues cause I’m a princess of doing fuck-all…”
>Right, putting on a play, stop day-dreaming retard
>”You underestimate my power!”
>Fuck damn was Nonn a shitty actor
>All of a sudden an irritatingly familiar dirge of a voice bleats its way through the crowd like an exploding giraffe
>”WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?! THAT WHOLE SET IS NOT SAFE! NONNY! NONN! GET DOWN FROM THERE THIS INSTANT!!!”
>Oh Twiggles Eats Pickles
>Where’s the fun in that?
>It’s likely that some ponies ran to rat you out on your exploits upon seeing you and Nonn deliver such an abysmal play at 10 bits a ticket
>Took her long enough to get out here damn mare move your fat as-
>CREEEEEEEEEEEAK
>GROOOOOOOOAN
>OR MAYBE THE SET REALLY IS FUCKED-
>You feel the poorly squandered together platform wobble
>Shit yeah you gotta call this off, you ain’t getting stitches over this shit
>TIME TO ABANDON SHIP COUGH COUGH COUGH
>You just gotta tell Nonn real quick
>He looks ready to jump over like in the script
“Don’t try it.”
>OH FUCK THAT WAS PART OF THE SCRIPT NO DON’T LEAP DIPSHIT-
>CRAAAAAAAAAAAASH
>RATTLE
>BANG
>SOUND WORD
>….
>Ow
………………..
>FUCKING DOUBLE OW YOU BARNEY COLORED BITCH!
>You sauntered through the castle, your body aching and your ass screeching in pain
>Fucking bookhorse
>You were just having fun
>And trying to get Booze
>Why did she have to return the other ponies’ money?!
>And spank you at on top of it!
>Didn’t she know the golden rule?
>Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks?
>Seriously lady damn
>You walk to your room for an early bed-time
>Courtesy of Twi
>The Pint-Sized Scaly Abortion watches you enter the room
>”Again, huh?”
>He chuckles
“Fuck off Spike you’re adopted.”
>”Wait, what? Aren’t you-“
>You kick the dragon precisely in a painful region
“JUST A PRANK BRO”
>You enter the room while he wheezes, and hear the soft sound of Non mumbling in her sleep
>Aw
>And now he can’t follow you in
>Thanks knocked out and drugged-up sis
>You really know how to help a fill-
>Man
>How to help a man out
>You climb into bed with her and snuggle the adorable little shit
………………..
>”AHHHHHHHHHH!”
>OH SHIT WHERE’S THE MASKED MARE AT?
>You look over
>In the darkness you can see your sis sitting up with wide eyes
>”It’s them again Nonny! They were taking pictures of us and they forgot to turn the light of it off again and-“
>Oh not this shit again
“For the last time Non, there is no such thing as the boogey-mare. And don’t you dare say you saw Freddy Cuddler again or I’m going to-“
>”No, No Nonny! I swear there was a big flash, and a gross giggle, and someone was watching us from the window!”
>Ugh
>The only way you were gonna shut her up was to prove that there is nothing wrong
>Again
>You groggily slink out of bed, and shuffle to the light
>You turn it on, and after your eyes are done hating your very soul you inspect the scene
“See? Nothing’s wrong. Go back to be-“
>OH SHIT
>THERE WAS A FUCKING PONY OR SOMETHING OUT THERE
>YOU JUST SAW IT FUCKING MOVE
>AND IT LOOKED SO…..
>SPOOKY
>The fact that someone was doing this
>And creepily watching fillies…
>Ew, this creep needs to be brought to justice
>You turn to Non, who was trembling and holding her favorite stuffed animal, Mr. Grizzles the Bear, and she turned to you
>Then you got to what you do best
>Schemin’ and memein’
…………..
>You, Non, and Nonn seemed to have concocted a plan
>An older-esque one, but she checks out
>Non was gonna go to sleep as normal, and you were gonna lie with her, awake and ready to go
>Nonn was gonna be in the closet
>HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
>Anyway, while in there he was gonna keep an eye out for movement, and when the creep tries to take a picture, he was a launch a Yak-made tiny bottle rocket through the window at the villain, who would be blinded and then apprehended
>Simple, but effective
>You may even try and get Twi for help if they turn out to be real trouble
>Last resort though, that’s for sure
>Currently you were milling about the castle in boredom when-
>”Nonny, why don’t you come in the kitchen for a minute?”
>Oh boy
>Here we go
>You were probably about to get another lecture
>About friendship and how much of a fuck-up you are at it
>Your hooves pound the floor with irritation as you strut into the kitchen to face none other than-
>The Lavender Menace herself
>Twishit Spergburgers
>”Sit down just right there, Nonny.”
>She had her back to you, and was washing a few dishes with some magic
>You quickly grabbed two items off the shelf and hid them between you back and the chair
>Emergency bailout kit is ready
>Proceed with caution
>This isn’t going to be easy Snake
>You sit down in the overly ornate chair, and put your hooves on the table casually
>Yeah
>Act casual
>Twi turns to face you
“Uh, Um, how’s the spaghetti Freddy?”
>She cocks an eyebrow and her expression becomes a cast-iron mask of bewilderment
>”What?”
>Shoot, try something else
“Uh I mean, what the dealio Celest-io? How my-“
>You clear your throat
“Diggity Dog doin’ playa?”
>She looks at you like you’re having a stroke
>”Um, I’m fine…. Thanks? Look, Nonny, I called you in to talk to you about something that’s kind of important, so-“
>Oh fresh-canned-fuck here it comes
>You knew you would have your reckoning for the whole Stair Wares thing
>The earlier scolding and such was merely an appetizer to the main course
>ABANDON THREAD, REPEAT ABANDON THREAD THIS IN NOT A DRILL!
>Brandishing one of the items you hid, a can of ravioli, you throw it at her
“Ravioli ravioli what’s in the pocket-oli?”
>You sprint for the exit
>And promptly get dragged back by a purple aura
>She had caught the can with her magic, and was not amused
>”Are you quite done? Or is this one of those moments where you’re going to try and get out of talking like a CIVILIZED filly by acting like an idiot?”
>She gives you a come-on-just-sit-down-and-talk-you-gigantic-retard look
>NOPE AIN’T FALLIN FOR THAT SHIT
>Time for plan B
>You take the sauce packet and quickly squirt it into your mouth, expertly throwing away the evidence by limply gliding it a few inches away, where it stains the floor
>You look at her and try and give the best performance of your life
“I’m sorry to tell you dear Twilight most honorable Sparkle, but I-“
>You cough some sauce everywhere for dramatic effect
“But I have a super STD called vag-laseritis, and as you can guess, I might be- HURK, firing the deadly contagious cooch beam, infecting everyone in the room, HURK-BLEAGH, SAVE YOURSELF TWILIGHT!!!”
>Nailed it
>”You didn’t even grab the right condiment this time, you just blasted salad dressing all over yourself and the floor. Seriously, you didn’t even-“
“Oh no, HURK, it means that my condition must be super accelerated. Plz, save yourself Twi, HARKLE GARBLE FUCK, there’s no hope for me. I can f-feel the laser powering up!!!”
>You make pew pew sounds with your mouth to illustrate your point
>She sighs
>”Just let me know when you’re ready to act like a big filly and not a foal. We’ll put this on hold for now, until you, um…”
>She walks to the door and looks back at you
>”Yeah, just…. Please clean up.”
>She trots out, clearly not up to putting with your shit at the moment
>Nice!
>She totally bought it!
>Score one for the best filly!
>You mean guy r-
>Yeah best guy!
>Ever!
>Yeah!
…………..
>It’s later that night, and you are lying awake next to Non, who’s sleeping like a foal
>Nonn is in the closet, waiting to come out
>Heheheheheh
>Still kinda funny
>You had been waiting on this for a while, and your eyelids felt heavy….
>Nonn… probably has it……
………….
>You awake from your light doze to the sound of a camera snap
>And the fucker forgot to turn off the flash again
>Ow your eyes
>Fuck you it’s like a flashbang and the sun gang-banged your eyeballs
>You spring up, and the thing moves away from the window
>Damn where’s-?
>You throw open the closet door to see Nonn sound asleep
>Great
“Wake up fuck-kindler we gotta go.”
>”Wah? What’s a “civil wa-“
>Going on about his fucking weird dreams/memories whatever the fuck it is again
“Shut up and get up, dumbass. You missed your window.”
>”Oh you mean that one?’
>He points
>If you had the time you would’ve have beaten the fucking shit of him so hard right now-
>But more pressing matters were at hand
>You went to the window, to try and get through it and pursue the renegade photographer
>But they-
>TELEPORTED AWAY?
>Wtf
>Ok whoever this is, they must be skilled in magic
>You bolt from the room, accidentally waking up the before-just-stirring Non and surprising Nonn
>”Where are you going?!”
“To get Twi Nonn, now stay with Non and protect her.”
>”But I-“
“Stay in that fucking bedroom!”
…………………..
>You get to Twi’s room at lightning speed
”Twi I-“
>SNOREEEEEEEEE
>Damn, of course she’s out
>You pace about in frustration and anxiety
>THINKTHINKTHINK
>As you walk, you notice a binder laying precariously on a shelf nearby
>Weird
>It wasn’t OCD-organized like the rest of Purple-nurple’s stuff
>You grab it and flip it open
>Fuck privacy
>It was a-
>SCRAPBOOK?!
>FUCKING SHIT IS SHE A NERD
>LIKE, FUCKING REALLY
>From the light of the hallway you can make out some of the photos
>One was you and Non at the dinner table, one was you hiding from Twi in a not-adorable and very well constructed pillow fort, one was of you, Non, and Nonn trying to bake something for one of your schemes….
>Kinda touching, actually
>You felt a warmth in your chest that….
>Right, moving on
>You notice a photo of you and Non sleeping and…
>Wait a fucking minute
>Was the gruesome specter none other than-
>”It’s not nice to look through other people’s stuff Nonny, I figure you learned that from last time.”
>Oh no it was
>Twilight slowly came towards you
>Aw shit not again
>Wait
>Wait a sec
“If you’re here, than who’s sleeping in your bed?”
>”What? Someone is-“
>Her eyes narrowed slightly
>She pulled back the covers to reveal…..
>Spike snoring like a homeless man without a bridge to chill under
>”Alright Spike, c’mon, get out of there.”
>The walking tumor moaned, and sat up sleepily
>”But my bed sucks, and yours is better and-“
>”Spike, go back to your room. Nonny and I need to talk real quick, then we can talk about your bed again.”
>The tiny lizard glowered and stomped out of the room, grumbling
>”It’s always Nonny this, Non that, what about Spike-“
“It’s because you are a failed abortion of a being whose only purpose is to be a bitch, a bitch among the bitches, a bitch who-“
>Twi’s gaze sliced into your eyes like a chainsaw, and her words were edged
>”Nonny, stop it. Apologize.”
“What was that too rude? Or is calling him a fuck-brain a little better?”
>Her face darkens
“Ok, ok fine, sorry Spike.”
>Twi is not amused
>”Like you mean it.”
>UGH FUCK YOU YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER
“I’m really sorry Spike. I also apologize for kicking you in the dragon’s hoard yesterday.”
>”You did what?!”
“Nothin’. Sorry Spike.”
>The punt-able dragon was not amused, but conceded and left
>Twi turned to you
>Oh shit here we go
>You clench your flank in preparation
>This is going to hurt
>You flinch
>But nothing comes
>Instead, Twi puts a hoof on you shoulder and smiles at you, the moonlight casting a calm glow on her face
>Huh
“Huh?”
>”You ready to talk now? I wanted to tell you about that scrap-book for a long time. I want tons of pictures of you all growing up, and was thinking maybe we can go on vacation-“
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT? YOU TOOK PICTURES OF US WHILE WE WERE SLEEPING YOU SICK FUCK. WHAT, ARE YOU CLOPPING TO-“
>She shushes you with a hoof over your mouth
>”No, nothing of the sort Nonny. And that really isn’t something you should be thinking about.”
“Then why did you do it?”
>Twi giggles a little
>”Because you two are so adorable. I know how much you care about Non, and even that other colt named Nonn, which is weird by the way…. I think maybe…”
>She paused
>”Oh, nevermind. But the fact of the matter is you care about them, and whether you’re playing, or sleeping, or whatever, I just want to be able to keep the moment, because I care about you all too. I just want to be able to keep the wonderful memories you all have made.”
“Wonderful?”
>”Yes, wonderful. Sure you three are a hoof-full sometimes but I still really care about you all. The way you all have such a bond, it just- I just want you all to grow up in a way that- well-“
>She struggled to find the words
>Really though, none were needed
>For all the constant shit you give her, she really does care
>Your eyes are wet
>Fucking super Equestrian allergies
>That’s it yeah
>Those things are a bitch
>You and Twi look at each other for a few seconds, and then hug
>That warm feeling you really like comes back
>The hug lasts for what feels like an eon
>It was glorious
……………………..
>You are now Twilight
>It’s about 3 am
>You decided that since it’s so late at night Nonn may as well just stay over, and you allowed the three, who were then wide awake, to stay up for a bit and have a little slumber party
>Being fillies and colts though, they were quickly tired out at this time of night
>They all fell asleep together, in a little snuggle pile
>Nonn on the left-top, Nonny on the right and just under him, and Non sandwiched between them
>They were all so sleeping so peacefully together, cuddling
>Nonny even kicked a little in her sleep
>D’aw
>You didn’t want to ruin this moment with that faulty old camera
>It and its malfunctioning flash
>It was fine the way it is
>Nope, you just committed it to mental memory as best you could and went back to your room, a smile on your face
>Upon reaching it, you picked up the scrapbook, and added tonight’s new additions to it
>Feeling warm and fuzzy inside, you flip through it and see…
>Whoops, heheh, good thing Nonny didn’t flip to that page
>THAT would’ve been tough to explain
>Letting out a small chortle, you move towards the bed, ready for some rest yourself
>You pull back the covers and-
>Really
>Really Spike?
>You sigh and slide in next to him
>Please don’t snore Please don’t snore-
>EEEEEEERGH-HUUUUUUUUUUE
>Ugh
………….
THIS CONCLUDES TONIGHT’S PROGRAM OF NON, NONN, AND NONNY. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!