LtD 33-37

>>Chapter 33 - Part 1
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> All the ponies that was inside where now outside,
I’m sure there are better ways to show that someone left a place.
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> I looked at Frederic, damn he is lucky. Marrying a Princess and becoming a Alicorn!
What is Fred going to do now that he’s an alicorn? Help rule Equestria? Use his new power to further his science skills? Do nothing?
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> I want to be a Alicorn
At that point, I'm sure the story will consume itself nad implode.
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> I chuckled, "I'll do my best, but I'm not good at planing."
Or at being interesting.
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>"Hey everypony! We have a special treat for all of you! I'm Nightwing and she's DJ Pon3!"
Ok, let’s see how they’ll fare
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> Aaron put his face to the mic and yelled, "Party rock!" His voice echoed.
No. Ok? No. Just no. I’m skipping the next part, it’s just the song. It is the entire song, by the way, the copypasted lyrics. This guy doesn’t even try to write the ponies singing and dancing, he doesn’t even try to break the paragraphs with actions. Just Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V
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> Oh! Oh! (Put your hands up)
I am dead serious.
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> Aaron walked over and smiled, "That took a lot out of me. Singing and dancing are hard."
You are a hack, Aaron.



>>Chapter 33 - Part 1
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> He slammed his hoof in to hers, "I need a break before I can do another round of singing."
“I just did ONE SONG. You can’t posibly expect me to keep going. It’s not as if they’re paying us, right?
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> Zorrow was on his back, a small tree on collapsed on his chest. A rabbit was sitting on his face.
And somehow, I think he’ll be just fine, and won’t be mad that his pal threw him out of a window.
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> Zorrow spit out some fur, "Thank you dude."
See? What’s some reckless endangerment between friends?
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> Greg picked him up with his magic, "Lets drop him off that one hill in Ponyville." Seth smiled, "Lets do it." Zorrow eyes widened more, "Lets not!" Greg and Seth began to walk towards the gates, Zorrow in front of them.
Kickass222urmom apparently saw a rerun of Jackass when inspiration struck him.
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> He smiled, "Best day of my life." He picked up a knife to cut the cake, "Time for cake."
You could have just had him take the knife and then, when he said “Time for cake” we would have understood what he meant. There is no need for repetition.
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> She squealed and started laughing. She jumped on to Frederic and they both went to the ground.
Our sheer happiness has made us forget basic social conduits!
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> Frederic chuckled and held up his hoof, "Would you like to dance my lady?"
There were such high hopes for you…



>>Chapter 34 - Part 1
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>Title: Hangover
Surely this doesn’t mean—
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> Yes, I watched the hangover part 2 XD
And you had to choose the watered down version of the original.
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> My room? How did I get here? Last thing I remember was sitting down and drinking some punch that Greg had brought back from my house.
Then you’re lucky you didn’t wake up in a dumpster without your kidneys.
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> I reached up to my face and sighed a sigh of relief. My goggles were still there and felt untouched
Why did you even brought those in the first place? And what do you mean they “felt” untouched? Do they have tactile memory?
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> [David] slowly stood and looked around, "What happened?"
Lazy plot development. By the way, does this story have an actual plot beyond just chronicling the lives of the bronies of Equestria? Is there a major theming? Do they want to accomplish something besides shipping themselves with every breathing creature?
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> He shook his head, "No, I mean what happened last night? Last thing I remember is Greg giving me and Rainbow Dash some punch, then nothing."
What, with the way Greg has been acting, we should have thought twice about drinking anything he gave us.
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> We walked into the kitchen and saw Greg, making himself breakfast. He turned and smirked, "Interesting night?"
Sober Lance is a walking nightmare, I don’t see how getting him drunk would improve that.
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> He smiled proudly, "I just cast a spell on your drinks to make you more interesting and more of a party animal."
How many felonies has Greg committed in his time in Equestria?
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> He grinned, "You and David got into a drinking contest here at the house. I kept giving you two beer and vodka, and you both drank till you passed out."
So… Magically enhanced punch and loads of alcohol. Great.



>>Chapter 34 - Part 2
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> He laughed, "You and [Twilight] was going up stairs, but after that I don't know."
Thankfully she’s not capable of magicking her way through Equestria. Or it would be hard to find her.
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> As I walked up stairs, I began to feel sick to the stomach. Damn it Greg, let me drink alcohol!
I thought drinking is what got you in this problem. Why do you complain about Greg not letting you drink?
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Lance finds Twilight in their bedroom. I will spare you the details to preserve whatever remains of your sanity.
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> When I walked into the living room, David was sitting down next to Rainbow Dash, patting her back.
So… those rapey incidents are in the past, now?
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> She waved me off, "I don't care, I always look like this in the morning." David nodded, "Its true, she does." She slugged him in the arm playfully
Apparently, David and Dash are an item. Again. Despite the fact that he forgot she existed for two months. And what happened to Peter, the pankster? Did that go nowhere, unsurprisingly?
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> Aaron sat down across from [Vinyl] and nodded, "I think we were awesome, blew away the crowd."
You sang one song. Even if you singed again, she was still playing music nonstop.
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> Captain Barehoof stood out side of Princess Celestia's throne room. Wondering why she had called him there.
And we’re back to the least rotten part of the Living-verse.
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> She waved her hoof, "Stand Captain. I have a task for you to complete."
If she’s calling the Captain of the Royal Guard, this must be a very important mission.
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>"I know about the mare named Dana you have been seeing."
Oh, come on! Is his relationship that important to, uh, anybody?
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>"I want you to move out of the castle and move in with her in your new home." "Think of this as a thank you for all your years of dedicated work for the Guard."
She’s kicking him out!? Jeez, Celestia. That’s cold.



>>Chapter 34 - Part 3
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>"Don't worry Captain, you will still be in the Guard, just not on duty."
Then why make him leave? And why did you say you were thanking him for all his years of “dedicated work for the Guard”? Because that sounded as if you were kicking him out.
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>"Thank you Princess. But where will we live?"
Does she know that they just started going out? Why did Celestia decide that after a couple of dates it would be ok for them to move in together?
Oh, right. You let your sister get married after one date as well, never mind.
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>"I already have a house ready for you, right next to Lance's. I think she'll like that."
I suppose that, since Lance’s current house is state-owned, the nearby houses would be property of the royalty as well. Still, it seems a cheap plot point introduced to cause drama.
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> Twilight sat up and rubbed her head. Why did she have a headache? What happened last night?
It’s better if you don’t know.
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> When she broke the kiss, she was blushing deeply. No matter how many times they kissed, it always felt like the first time for her
You’ve been dating for what, half a year, now? And you still haven’t moved past the crush stage? It’s fine that the relationship still feels fresh and exciting, but relationships grow and develop over time. Has this guy ever been in a relationship?
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> He smiled up at her sweetly, "You look cute when you blush." She felt her blush deepen at his comment.
I guess not.
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> She couldn't wait to take a walk with Lance.
Because everything is so enthralling with him, right?
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> She had a idea of where to walk to.
Oh, foreshadowing. Hopefully the pay-off won’t be stupid.



>>Chapter 35 - Part 1
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> Private Dune walked out of the club with a smile on his face.
There are so many OC’s I can’t even remember who is who.
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> Just because the war was a false alarm, doesn't mean they can't enjoy their stay in Manehattan. It just gives them more time to party and sight see
Oh, right. It’s the asshole that doesn’t take Equestria’s safety seriously.
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> The thing that bugged him the most is that he didn't fully enjoy him self. After tomorrow, its back to training and no fun.
Why the hell did you join the army if you don’t like it? It’s not as if conscription is a thing in Equestria, they’ve been at peace for centuries
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> He sighed, he should have broke his leg or something to get out of it. But, he didn't like the idea of breaking a leg.
I sincerely hope that, when this war inevitably comes, Private Dune is sent to the frontlines.
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> He had missed the nights of partying and having fun with his friends. Being in the army has taken all that away. The worst part is when you join the Equestria Army, your in it for five long years.
Private Dune us a serious contender for “Most Stupid Character in the Living-verse”, though that’s not saying a lot.
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> I stumbled into my house, holding up my left hoof. Damn it! I just had to try and do that stupid trick didn't I?! I was doing great till I got to cocky and slammed into that tree.
Wait, that whole “Hangover” thing is done? They just woke up hung over? You mean that the whole inspiration thing extended to the title and nothing more?
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> I hope my hoof isn't broken.
I hope it is.
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> I want to tell [Twilight] to put the book down and get a real doctor, but I just don't have the heart to do that.
If you broke your hoof, you need serious medical attention. Also, why the hell did you walk into your house if you have wings?



>>Chapter 35 - Part 2
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>. I want to tell [Twilight] to put the book down and get a real doctor, but I just don't have the heart to do that.
If you broke your hoof, you need serious medical attention.
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>"Okay, the book says your not suppose to be walking on a broken or sprung hoof." "I know that."
“Which is why I haven’t been flying”
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> She then levitated a roll of bandages over to me, "Okay Lance, can you lift up your hoof so I can bandage it?" "Uhhh, does it look like I can lift it Twi?"
Did you also broke your shoulder? Why the hell can’t you lift your hoof? Can’t you at least fly so Twi—Of course you can’t.
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>"Oh its fine. I just love the look of my broken hoof. I mean, all bent back and broken off the bone. I could keep it this way forever."
What the hell, she’s trying to help you.
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> She smiled and went back to reading the book. Seriously? She's relying on a book to fix my broken hoof? I'm so fucked.
Would you prefer her to do things without any guidance, then? Why don’t you mend your hoof yourself?
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> I laid my head back and tried to rest. Sadly, that was not going to happen. Because right then, Greg walked in, high off his ass.
High Greg. This should be mildly amusing.
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> He smiled with an open mouth, "Wow! Look at your hoof! Its all broken and hanging." He reached out and rotated it.
Greg, even when you ascend and become Prince of Weed and go to fight the Changeling-controlled Gryphon army, I will remember you fondly for this.
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> I looked over to a small table and saw the water that David had poured sleeping pills in. Why did he leave it out in the open? "Hey Greg, I bet you can't chug that glass of water."
How convenient that David should do that. And by convenient I mean ridiculous and stupid.
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> “I would like that spell right about now." [Twilight] smiled, "Somepony's a little needy today."
I’d say every day, but sure. Let’s go with “today”.



>>Chapter 35 - Part 3
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> I shrugged, "Its just that time of the month."
I don’t know what makes me groan more. His attempts at drama, or his attempts at humour.
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> She smiled, "Thanks. And I'm sorry for telling you to do that trick." I waved her off, "Oh its fine. I would have done it even if you told me not to."
‘Cause I’m independent and I don’t need no mare.
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>She sat down on me. Her stomach against mine and her lips centimeters above mine. "Try me." She leaned down and began to kiss me.
Every time I read stuff like this I go back to the story page and read the “This is not a self-insert!” note and I chuckle. Then I remember that I’m reading this and begin to weep.
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> Greg looked over to the couch to see Lance and Twilight laying together. Lance's wings wrapped around her. He raised an eyebrow, why are they laying on the couch together? Why not the bed?
Don’t give them any ideas, Greg.
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> Greg sighed and followed. Might as well get some more weed, he was running low.
You’re just denying reality, Greg. No amount of weed will make this thing acceptable.
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I have got to say that this could have been much worse. Lately he’s writing long, drawn out scenes with trivial dialogue in which nothing happens.
Which is a good thing, we already know how ugly things get when things ‘do’ happen.



>>Chapter 36 - Part 1
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> Dana sat down and exhaled. Moving all of her stuff from Bluetail's to her new house was hard work, even with the Captain's help.
Farewell, Bluetail. We hardly knew you.
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> She slowly stood and walked over to the side window that faced Lance's house.
Celestia knew that the Captain was dating Dana, and also knows about the issues between her and Lance. Is this some ham-fisted attempt at reconciling them?
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> She sighed, she didn't like the idea of her son living on his own. Especially with friends and his fiancee.
While I’d argue that they’re technically adults and should take care of themselves, Lance is an incompetent dipshit that needs as much supervision as possible.
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> She finally accepted the fact that her son loves a horse, mostly because she had fallen for one herself.
At least your relationship doesn’t feel as forced as your son.
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> She walked up [Lance´s] door and didn't even bother with knocking this time. She just walked in.
Do you think that maybe this is the kind of thing that caused Lance’s attitude problem against you?
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> When she stepped inside, she could smell what could only be marijuana.
You must have had an interesting young life if you can recognise marijuana that easily.
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> On the couch was Lance, but also on the couch was that one horse, the one he's going to marry. He had his wings wrapped around her, and was holding her extremely close. To close for Dana to be comfortable.
It’s also uncomfortable for us, Ms. Greenfield.
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> She didn't like the sight of her son being so close to a girl, especially not in an embrace.
Damn, girl. Those are some serious issues you have there.



>>Chapter 36 - Part 1
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> She can't always be on him about his life choices, he wasn't her little boy anymore. He has the right to live his life the way he wants.
You were yammering about getting your son to come home with you, and you just suddenly realise he’s supposed to live his own life? I understand that your arc was headed that way, but this resolution seems tacked on just to get rid of the conflict.
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> She knew that one day she would have to let him go, but she just thought he would want to live at home. Looks like he wanted to leave home instead.
And the sight of your son passed out with his fiancée on their couch made you realise this?
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> She stood and went for the door, time to let Lance be his own person.
Damn it, Kickass222urmom. Stop ruining the least horrible characters.
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> Seth walked out of his house and smiled, today was going to be great. All he had to do was find where they had left Zorrow and then take him to see Big Mac.
Because Zorrow was only beaten to a ‘partial’ blubbering mess.
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> Seth began to hum the song by Linkin Park, 'What I've Done' and continued down the dirt road.
I want to see him get beaten, but I should know better.
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> I splashed some water in my face, trying to wake up. I didn't mean to fall asleep on the couch, so I just wasted three hours of my day.
Because you do such productive things with your time.
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> Me and Rainbow Dash are suppose to go and practice together. What? I can't just be friends with her?
Of course you can. It’s entirely normal for a person to spend time with their attempted rapist.
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> The door opened quickly, too quickly. Rainbow Dash walked out and grinned, "Ready for some training Lance?"
What’s with this guy and his “getting raped” fantasy?
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> I nodded, "Yeah, just go easy on me.
You’re just asking for it, Lance.



>>Chapter 36 - Part 3
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> I shrugged and decided to try to do a barrel roll. I flew forward and began to pick up speed. When I felt like I was going fast enough, I twisted my front forwards, causing me to spin. Now to stop myself. How do I do that?
Isn’t that one of the first things you should figure out to do while learning to fly?
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> As I hoovered in place, I held my stomach. I feel like throwing up.
The feeling is mutual.
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> From behind me, I could hear Rainbow Dash laughing. I turned to see her holding her stomach laughing. I felt my cheeks turn red from embarrassment, "I meant to do that."
Sure you did, pal.
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> She slugged my arm playfully, "Its okay, not everypony can be half as cool as I am."
It’s so weird to see a character actually act like themselves. I wonder how he’ll ruin it.
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>"Oh, so you think I'm cool?" I shrugged, "Well, you are cool, and awesome." A happy smile began to form on her face, "Yeah, I'm pretty awesome."
Hopefully the chapter will end with them bonding over this and rebuild their friendship instead of yet another rape attempt from Dash.
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> “How about you show me a trick." She smiled, "I got one. But I'll need your help."
Hopefully.
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> She started flying straight at me, picking up speed as she went. As she neared me, I began to have second thoughts about this. Before I could change my mind, she tucked her wings in and rolled up into a ball. My eyes widened, I know what she's doing. She slammed into me, sending me straight to the ground.
So we’ve moved beyond rape and we’re on full physical assault. That’s some deep character development.
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> As I speed towards the ground, I rolled my eyes.
I’m plummeting to the ground; even though the last time this happened to me I was mostly incapacitated, not to mention that I recently hurt my hoof. Y’know, the usual.



>>Chapter 36 - Part 4
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> I slammed into the ground, but this time I barely felt it.
It’s a good thing you just have to read my final analysis on the chapters, because about two thirds of the process is just me burying my face in my hands and shaking my head as I try to wrap my mind around what happens here.
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> I lay there looking up at her, she was laughing her head off. I couldn't help but smile.
“You’re so adorable when you put my life in danger, Dash.”
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> I just realized that I make a pretty good test dummy.
You’re just a dummy all around. Wow, that was pathetic even for me. This thing truly is messing with my brain.
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> When I stood, she landed next to me. "I'm sorry, but I've always wanted to try that move out, but it requires two Pegasus."
Wait, weren’t you just on top of him?
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> I chucked, "That was actually kind of fun. Any other moves you want to have me test?"
I just discovered that I’m an adrenaline junkie. Want to fly through a volcano after this?
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> Her eye brighten up at my words, "I have so many moves I've wanted to try, but they all need two Pegasus."
Didn’t she just say that? Jesus Christ. Does he even bother to read what he writes?
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> Several hours later.
I know you’re a lazy writer and you skip through things that could be even remotely interesting, but I really wanted to see Lance crash over and over again.
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> I don't care if I sprang my front left leg, it was still awesome.
Boy, it sure is convenient that Twilight knows a heal-it-all spell, otherwise this would have been extremely stupid.
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> As I removed the tight black suit, I looked up at the mirror and saw something on my flank.
What is this? Will we finally glimpse into the abyss and find out what Lance “Girokon” Greenfield’s cutie mark is?
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> What I saw made me slam my hoof into my face.
Seems fitting so far.
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> I had a cutie mark, but that's not why I facehoofed.
Why the hell would you facehoof at that?



>>Chapter 36 - Part 5
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> It was a circle with yellow and black in it, it was the symbol that represented a test dummy.
Wait… Does that mean that your talent is getting beaten up?
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> That is just sweet fucking irony right there!
Ah, another graduate from the Alanis Morissette school of irony, I see.
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> I wanted a cool cutie mark. Like a lighting bolt or something along those lines, not a symbol that means I'm a freaking test dummy!
I think that even Kickass222urmom realised how stupid your entire character is, so he decided against giving you an edgy cutie mark.
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> I'm so going to get made fun of for this one.
Amongst many other resaons, yeah.



>>Chapter 37 - Part 1
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> Greg bit his lower lip, "Please! You have the cutie mark for it! […] We have to do a Jackass parody!"
Are we going to see Lance get hit in the testicles repeatedly? I’m alright with that.
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> I shook my head, I was going to regret this.
But we won’t
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> Frederic pointed the camera at me and smiled, "Okay, we are recording!"
Kickass222urmom started the trend of showing new alicorns do nothing of importance.
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> I sighed and put on a fake happy voice, "Hi, I'm Girokon, and this is Jackflank!"
I suppose “ass” would be offensive against donkeys.
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> Greg kicked the cart, sending it and me flying down the hill. Halfway down the hill, Greg used his magic to stop the cart, sending me flying out of it and down the hill.
I know he’s going to over use this until it becomes stale, but in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy this.
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> My body bounced a few times before coming to a stop.
I just realised that Kickass222urmom is going to use this as an excuse for him to get beaten up viciously and shrug it off as if it was nothing.
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> Peter looked back at use and waved his hoof, "Here he comes!"
Right. Pete. Whatever happened to him? I guess we’ll never know.
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> [Zorrow] looked around at all of us and smiled, "Hey guys, I'm back from the hospital. Finally got that cast of, but they said if I get hit in the testicles again, I'm going to lose them."
While I would like to say that you’re the one to blame for getting the crap beaten out of you for the whole peeping on AJ thing. Seth was the one that took you to Big Mac the second time. Try to change your circle of friends.
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> Peter twisted around and bucked Zorrow as hard as he could right in the family jewels.
Ok, seriously, that was just cruel. What the hell has he done to you? Jesus, I’m siding with the stalker.
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> All of us began to laugh. I feel back and slammed by head into the wall. But I didn't care, because I couldn't stop laughing.
You are assholes.