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  1. SHREK
  2.  
  3. Written by
  4.  
  5. William Steig & Ted Elliott
  6.  
  7.  
  8.  
  9.  
  10. SHREK
  11. Once upon a time there was a lovely
  12. princess. But she had an enchantment
  13. upon her of a fearful sort which could
  14. only be broken by love's first kiss.
  15. She was locked away in a castle guarded
  16. by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
  17. Many brave knights had attempted to
  18. free her from this dreadful prison,
  19. but non prevailed. She waited in the
  20. dragon's keep in the highest room of
  21. the tallest tower for her true love
  22. and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
  23. Like that's ever gonna happen. What
  24. a load of - (toilet flush)
  25.  
  26. Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
  27. day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
  28. after the ogre.
  29.  
  30. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
  31.  
  32. MAN1
  33. Think it's in there?
  34.  
  35. MAN2
  36. All right. Let's get it!
  37.  
  38. MAN1
  39. Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
  40. thing can do to you?
  41.  
  42. MAN3
  43. Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
  44. bread.
  45.  
  46. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
  47.  
  48. SHREK
  49. Yes, well, actually, that would be a
  50. giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
  51. They'll make a suit from your freshly
  52. peeled skin.
  53.  
  54. MEN
  55. No!
  56.  
  57. SHREK
  58. They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
  59. jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
  60. quite good on toast.
  61.  
  62. MAN1
  63. Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
  64. (waves the torch at Shrek.)
  65.  
  66. Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
  67. men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
  68. and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
  69. men are in the dark.
  70.  
  71. SHREK
  72. This is the part where you run away.
  73. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
  74. And stay out! (looks down and picks
  75. up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
  76. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
  77. throws the paper over his shoulder.)
  78.  
  79.  
  80. THE NEXT DAY
  81.  
  82. There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
  83. sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
  84. to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
  85. are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
  86. who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
  87. little pigs.
  88.  
  89. GUARD
  90. All right. This one's full. Take it
  91. away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
  92.  
  93.  
  94. HEAD GUARD
  95. Next!
  96.  
  97. GUARD
  98. (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
  99. Your flying days are over. (breaks the
  100. broom in half)
  101.  
  102. HEAD GUARD
  103. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
  104. Next!
  105.  
  106. GUARD
  107. Get up! Come on!
  108.  
  109. HEAD GUARD
  110. Twenty pieces.
  111.  
  112. LITTLE BEAR
  113. (crying) This cage is too small.
  114.  
  115. DONKEY
  116. Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
  117. be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
  118. Give me another chance!
  119.  
  120. OLD WOMAN
  121. Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
  122.  
  123. DONKEY
  124. Oh!
  125.  
  126. HEAD GUARD
  127. Next! What have you got?
  128.  
  129. GIPETTO
  130. This little wooden puppet.
  131.  
  132. PINOCCHIO
  133. I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
  134. nose grows)
  135.  
  136. HEAD GUARD
  137. Five shillings for the possessed toy.
  138. Take it away.
  139.  
  140. PINOCCHIO
  141. Father, please! Don't let them do this!
  142. Help me!
  143.  
  144. Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
  145. to the table.
  146.  
  147. HEAD GUARD
  148. Next! What have you got?
  149.  
  150. OLD WOMAN
  151. Well, I've got a talking donkey.
  152.  
  153. HEAD GUARD
  154. Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
  155. if you can prove it.
  156.  
  157. OLD WOMAN
  158. Oh, go ahead, little fella.
  159.  
  160. Donkey just looks up at her.
  161.  
  162. HEAD GUARD
  163. Well?
  164.  
  165. OLD WOMAN
  166. Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
  167. nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
  168. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
  169.  
  170. HEAD GUARD
  171. That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
  172.  
  173.  
  174. OLD WOMAN
  175. No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
  176. to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
  177. talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
  178. you ever saw.
  179.  
  180. HEAD GUARD
  181. Get her out of my sight.
  182.  
  183. OLD WOMAN
  184. No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
  185.  
  186. The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
  187. of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
  188. hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
  189. with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
  190.  
  191. DONKEY
  192. Hey! I can fly!
  193.  
  194. PETER PAN
  195. He can fly!
  196.  
  197. 3 LITTLE PIGS
  198. He can fly!
  199.  
  200. HEAD GUARD
  201. He can talk!
  202.  
  203. DONKEY
  204. Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
  205. a flying, talking donkey. You might
  206. have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
  207. but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
  208. fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
  209. to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
  210. to the ground.)
  211.  
  212. He hits the ground with a thud.
  213.  
  214. HEAD GUARD
  215. Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
  216. After him!
  217.  
  218. GUARDS
  219. He's getting away! Get him! This way!
  220. Turn!
  221.  
  222. Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
  223. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
  224. for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
  225. quickly hides behind Shrek.
  226.  
  227. HEAD GUARD
  228. You there. Ogre!
  229.  
  230. SHREK
  231. Aye?
  232.  
  233. HEAD GUARD
  234. By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
  235. to place you both under arrest and transport
  236. you to a designated resettlement facility.
  237.  
  238.  
  239. SHREK
  240. Oh, really? You and what army?
  241.  
  242. He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
  243. and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
  244. and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
  245. begins walking back to his cottage.
  246.  
  247. DONKEY
  248. Can I say something to you? Listen,
  249. you was really, really, really somethin'
  250. back here. Incredible!
  251.  
  252. SHREK
  253. Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
  254. and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
  255. around and Donkey is right in front
  256. of him.) Whoa!
  257.  
  258. DONKEY
  259. Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
  260. you that you that you was great back
  261. here? Those guards! They thought they
  262. was all of that. Then you showed up,
  263. and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
  264. like babes in the woods. That really
  265. made me feel good to see that.
  266.  
  267. SHREK
  268. Oh, that's great. Really.
  269.  
  270. DONKEY
  271. Man, it's good to be free.
  272.  
  273. SHREK
  274. Now, why don't you go celebrate your
  275. freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
  276.  
  277.  
  278. DONKEY
  279. But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
  280. I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
  281. wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
  282. stick with you. You're mean, green,
  283. fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
  284. the spit out of anybody that crosses
  285. us.
  286.  
  287. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
  288. loudly.
  289.  
  290. DONKEY
  291. Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
  292. don't mind me sayin', if that don't
  293. work, your breath certainly will get
  294. the job done, 'cause you definitely
  295. need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
  296. you breath stinks! You almost burned
  297. the hair outta my nose, just like the
  298. time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
  299. continues to talk, so Shrek removes
  300. his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
  301. berries. I had strong gases leaking
  302. out of my butt that day.
  303.  
  304. SHREK
  305. Why are you following me?
  306.  
  307. DONKEY
  308. I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
  309. I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
  310. me, My problems have all gone, There's
  311. no one to deride me, But you gotta have
  312. faith...
  313.  
  314. SHREK
  315. Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
  316. have any friends.
  317.  
  318. DONKEY
  319. Wow. Only a true friend would be that
  320. cruelly honest.
  321.  
  322. SHREK
  323. Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
  324. me. What am I?
  325.  
  326. DONKEY
  327. (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
  328. tall?
  329.  
  330. SHREK
  331. No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
  332. torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
  333. bother you?
  334.  
  335. DONKEY
  336. Nope.
  337.  
  338. SHREK
  339. Really?
  340.  
  341. DONKEY
  342. Really, really.
  343.  
  344. SHREK
  345. Oh.
  346.  
  347. DONKEY
  348. Man, I like you. What's you name?
  349.  
  350. SHREK
  351. Uh, Shrek.
  352.  
  353. DONKEY
  354. Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
  355. you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
  356. thing. I like that. I respect that,
  357. Shrek. You all right. (They come over
  358. a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
  359. Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
  360. in place like that?
  361.  
  362. SHREK
  363. That would be my home.
  364.  
  365. DONKEY
  366. Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
  367. You know you are quite a decorator.
  368. It's amazing what you've done with such
  369. a modest budget. I like that boulder.
  370. That is a nice boulder. I guess you
  371. don't entertain much, do you?
  372.  
  373. SHREK
  374. I like my privacy.
  375.  
  376. DONKEY
  377. You know, I do too. That's another thing
  378. we have in common. Like I hate it when
  379. you got somebody in your face. You've
  380. trying to give them a hint, and they
  381. won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
  382. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
  383.  
  384.  
  385. SHREK
  386. Uh, what?
  387.  
  388. DONKEY
  389. Can I stay with you, please?
  390.  
  391. SHREK
  392. (sarcastically) Of course!
  393.  
  394. DONKEY
  395. Really?
  396.  
  397. SHREK
  398. No.
  399.  
  400. DONKEY
  401. Please! I don't wanna go back there!
  402. You don't know what it's like to be
  403. considered a freak. (pause while he
  404. looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
  405. But that's why we gotta stick together.
  406. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
  407.  
  408.  
  409. SHREK
  410. Okay! Okay! But one night only.
  411.  
  412. DONKEY
  413. Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
  414.  
  415.  
  416. SHREK
  417. What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
  418. a chair.) No! No!
  419.  
  420. DONKEY
  421. This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
  422. late, swappin' manly stories, and in
  423. the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
  424.  
  425. SHREK
  426. Oh!
  427.  
  428. DONKEY
  429. Where do, uh, I sleep?
  430.  
  431. SHREK
  432. (irritated) Outside!
  433.  
  434. DONKEY
  435. Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
  436. I don't know you, and you don't know
  437. me, so I guess outside is best, you
  438. know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
  439. slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
  440. like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
  441. born outside. I'll just be sitting by
  442. myself outside, I guess, you know. By
  443. myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
  444. no one here beside me...
  445.  
  446. SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
  447.  
  448. Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
  449. a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
  450. noise. He stands up with a huff.
  451.  
  452. SHREK
  453. (to Donkey) I thought I told you to
  454. stay outside.
  455.  
  456. DONKEY
  457. (from the window) I am outside.
  458.  
  459. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
  460. made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
  461. and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
  462.  
  463. BLIND MOUSE1
  464. Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
  465. farm, but what choice do we have?
  466.  
  467.  
  468. BLIND MOUSE2
  469. It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
  470.  
  471.  
  472. GORDO
  473. (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
  474.  
  475.  
  476. SHREK
  477. Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
  478. and lands on his shoulder.)
  479.  
  480. GORDO
  481. I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
  482. ear)
  483.  
  484. SHREK
  485. Ow!
  486.  
  487. GORDO
  488. Blah! Awful stuff.
  489.  
  490. BLIND MOUSE1
  491. Is that you, Gordo?
  492.  
  493. GORDO
  494. How did you know?
  495.  
  496. SHREK
  497. Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
  498. you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
  499. from behind and he drops the mice.)
  500. Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
  501. with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
  502. no, no. Dead broad off the table.
  503.  
  504.  
  505. DWARF
  506. Where are we supposed to put her? The
  507. bed's taken.
  508.  
  509. SHREK
  510. Huh?
  511.  
  512. Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
  513. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
  514. him.
  515.  
  516. BIG BAD WOLF
  517. What?
  518.  
  519. TIME LAPSE
  520.  
  521. Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
  522. him to the front door.
  523.  
  524. SHREK
  525. I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
  526. a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
  527. do get a little privacy? (He opens the
  528. front door to throw the Wolf out and
  529. he sees that all the collected Fairy
  530. Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
  531. no. No! No!
  532.  
  533. The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
  534. pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
  535. flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
  536.  
  537.  
  538. SHREK
  539. What are you doing in my swamp? (this
  540. echoes and everyone falls silent.)
  541.  
  542.  
  543. Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
  544. tent.
  545.  
  546. SHREK
  547. All right, get out of here. All of you,
  548. move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
  549. Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
  550. dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
  551. No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
  552. shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
  553. look at Donkey)
  554.  
  555. DONKEY
  556. Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
  557. them.
  558.  
  559. PINOCCHIO
  560. Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
  561.  
  562. SHREK
  563. What?
  564.  
  565. PINOCCHIO
  566. We were forced to come here.
  567.  
  568. SHREK
  569. (flabbergasted) By who?
  570.  
  571. LITTLE PIG
  572. Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
  573. and he...signed an eviction notice.
  574.  
  575.  
  576. SHREK
  577. (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
  578. this Farquaad guy is?
  579.  
  580. Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
  581.  
  582. DONKEY
  583. Oh, I do. I know where he is.
  584.  
  585. SHREK
  586. Does anyone else know where to find
  587. him? Anyone at all?
  588.  
  589. DONKEY
  590. Me! Me!
  591.  
  592. SHREK
  593. Anyone?
  594.  
  595. DONKEY
  596. Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
  597. Me, me!
  598.  
  599. SHREK
  600. (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
  601. tale things. Do not get comfortable.
  602. Your welcome is officially worn out.
  603. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
  604. right now and get you all off my land
  605. and back where you came from! (Pause.
  606. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
  607. You! You're comin' with me.
  608.  
  609. DONKEY
  610. All right, that's what I like to hear,
  611. man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
  612. friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
  613. adventure. I love it!
  614.  
  615. DONKEY
  616. (singing) On the road again. Sing it
  617. with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
  618. on the road again.
  619.  
  620. SHREK
  621. What did I say about singing?
  622.  
  623. DONKEY
  624. Can I whistle?
  625.  
  626. SHREK
  627. No.
  628.  
  629. DONKEY
  630. Can I hum it?
  631.  
  632. SHREK
  633. All right, hum it.
  634.  
  635. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
  636.  
  637. DULOC - KITCHEN
  638.  
  639. A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
  640. dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
  641.  
  642. FARQUAAD
  643. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
  644.  
  645.  
  646. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
  647. onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
  648. table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
  649. up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
  650.  
  651.  
  652. FARQUAAD
  653. (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
  654. and plays with them) Run, run, run,
  655. as fast as you can. You can't catch
  656. me. I'm the gingerbread man.
  657.  
  658. GINGERBREAD MAN
  659. You are a monster.
  660.  
  661. FARQUAAD
  662. I'm not the monster here. You are. You
  663. and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
  664. poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
  665. me! Where are the others?
  666.  
  667. GINGERBREAD MAN
  668. Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
  669. eye.)
  670.  
  671. FARQUAAD
  672. I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
  673. Now my patience has reached its end!
  674. Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
  675. pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
  676.  
  677.  
  678. GINGERBREAD MAN
  679. No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
  680. buttons.
  681.  
  682. FARQUAAD
  683. All right then. Who's hiding them?
  684.  
  685.  
  686. GINGERBREAD MAN
  687. Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
  688. muffin man?
  689.  
  690. FARQUAAD
  691. The muffin man?
  692.  
  693. GINGERBREAD MAN
  694. The muffin man.
  695.  
  696. FARQUAAD
  697. Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
  698. on Drury Lane?
  699.  
  700. GINGERBREAD MAN
  701. Well, she's married to the muffin man.
  702.  
  703.  
  704. FARQUAAD
  705. The muffin man?
  706.  
  707. GINGERBREAD MAN
  708. The muffin man!
  709.  
  710. FARQUAAD
  711. She's married to the muffin man.
  712.  
  713. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
  714.  
  715. HEAD GUARD
  716. My lord! We found it.
  717.  
  718. FARQUAAD
  719. Then what are you waiting for? Bring
  720. it in.
  721.  
  722. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
  723. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
  724. Mirror.
  725.  
  726. GINGERBREAD MAN
  727. (in awe) Ohhhh...
  728.  
  729. FARQUAAD
  730. Magic mirror...
  731.  
  732. GINGERBREAD MAN
  733. Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
  734. him up and dumps him into a trash can
  735. with a lid.) No!
  736.  
  737. FARQUAAD
  738. Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
  739. Is this not the most perfect kingdom
  740. of them all?
  741.  
  742. MIRROR
  743. Well, technically you're not a king.
  744.  
  745.  
  746. FARQUAAD
  747. Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
  748. hand mirror and smashes it with his
  749. fist.) You were saying?
  750.  
  751. MIRROR
  752. What I mean is you're not a king yet.
  753. But you can become one. All you have
  754. to do is marry a princess.
  755.  
  756. FARQUAAD
  757. Go on.
  758.  
  759. MIRROR
  760. (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
  761. and relax, my lord, because it's time
  762. for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
  763. And here they are! Bachelorette number
  764. one is a mentally abused shut-in from
  765. a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
  766. and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
  767. include cooking and cleaning for her
  768. two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
  769. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
  770. number two is a cape-wearing girl from
  771. the land of fancy. Although she lives
  772. with seven other men, she's not easy.
  773. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
  774. find out what a live wire she is. Come
  775. on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
  776. picture of Snow White) And last, but
  777. certainly not last, bachelorette number
  778. three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
  779. castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
  780. But don't let that cool you off. She's
  781. a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
  782. and getting caught in the rain. Yours
  783. for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
  784. picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
  785. be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
  786. number two or bachelorette number three?
  787.  
  788.  
  789. GUARDS
  790. Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
  791.  
  792.  
  793. FARQUAAD
  794. Three? One? Three?
  795.  
  796. THELONIUS
  797. Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
  798. three, my lord!
  799.  
  800. FARQUAAD
  801. Okay, okay, uh, number three!
  802.  
  803. MIRROR
  804. Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
  805. Fiona.
  806.  
  807. FARQUAAD
  808. Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
  809. have to do is just find someone who
  810. can go...
  811.  
  812. MIRROR
  813. But I probably should mention the little
  814. thing that happens at night.
  815.  
  816. FARQUAAD
  817. I'll do it.
  818.  
  819. MIRROR
  820. Yes, but after sunset...
  821.  
  822. FARQUAAD
  823. Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
  824. my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
  825. the perfect king! Captain, assemble
  826. your finest men. We're going to have
  827. a tournament. (smiles evilly)
  828.  
  829. DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section
  830.  
  831. Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
  832. lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
  833.  
  834. DONKEY
  835. But that's it. That's it right there.
  836. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
  837.  
  838.  
  839. SHREK
  840. So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
  841.  
  842.  
  843. DONKEY
  844. Uh-huh. That's the place.
  845.  
  846. SHREK
  847. Do you think maybe he's compensating
  848. for something? (He laughs, but then
  849. groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
  850. He continues walking through the parking
  851. lot.)
  852.  
  853. DONKEY
  854. Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
  855.  
  856. MAN
  857. Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
  858.  
  859.  
  860. SHREK
  861. Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
  862. a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
  863. screams and begins running through the
  864. rows of rope to get to the front gate
  865. to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
  866. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
  867. - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
  868. walking straight through the rows. The
  869. attendant runs into a wall and falls
  870. down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
  871. continue on into DuLoc.)
  872.  
  873. DULOC
  874.  
  875. They look around but all is quiet.
  876.  
  877. SHREK
  878. It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
  879.  
  880.  
  881. DONKEY
  882. Hey, look at this!
  883.  
  884. Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
  885. marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
  886. open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
  887. to sing.
  888.  
  889. WOODEN PEOPLE
  890. Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
  891.  
  892.  
  893. Here we have some rules
  894.  
  895. Let us lay them down
  896.  
  897. Don't make waves, stay in line
  898.  
  899. And we'll get along fine
  900.  
  901. DuLoc is perfect place
  902.  
  903. Please keep off of the grass
  904.  
  905. Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
  906.  
  907. DuLoc is, DuLoc is
  908.  
  909. DuLoc is perfect place.
  910.  
  911. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.
  912.  
  913. DONKEY
  914. Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
  915. to run over and pull the lever again)
  916.  
  917.  
  918. SHREK
  919. (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
  920. No. No. No, no, no! No.
  921.  
  922. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
  923.  
  924. FARQUAAD
  925. Brave knights. You are the best and
  926. brightest in all the land. Today one
  927. of you shall prove himself...
  928.  
  929. As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
  930. Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
  931.  
  932. SHREK
  933. All right. You're going the right way
  934. for a smacked bottom.
  935.  
  936. DONKEY
  937. Sorry about that.
  938.  
  939. FARQUAAD
  940. That champion shall have the honor -
  941. - no, no - - the privilege to go forth
  942. and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
  943. from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
  944. for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
  945. the first runner-up will take his place
  946. and so on and so forth. Some of you
  947. may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
  948. to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
  949. begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
  950. that? It's hideous!
  951.  
  952. SHREK
  953. (turns to look at Donkey and then back
  954. at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
  955. It's just a donkey.
  956.  
  957. FARQUAAD
  958. Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
  959. kills the ogre will be named champion!
  960. Have it him!
  961.  
  962. MEN
  963. Get him!
  964.  
  965. SHREK
  966. Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
  967. into a table where there are mugs of
  968. beer)
  969.  
  970. CROWD
  971. Go ahead! Get him!
  972.  
  973. SHREK
  974. (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
  975. settle this over a pint?
  976.  
  977. CROWD
  978. Kill the beast!
  979.  
  980. SHREK
  981. No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
  982. Come on!
  983.  
  984. He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
  985. of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
  986. other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
  987. past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
  988. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
  989. beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
  990. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
  991. fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
  992. to say that Shrek kicks butt.
  993.  
  994. DONKEY
  995. Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
  996.  
  997. Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
  998. gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
  999.  
  1000. SHREK
  1001. Yeah!
  1002.  
  1003. A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
  1004. and sees him.
  1005.  
  1006. WOMAN
  1007. The chair! Give him the chair!
  1008.  
  1009. Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
  1010. are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
  1011. sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
  1012.  
  1013. SHREK
  1014. Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
  1015. very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
  1016. the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
  1017.  
  1018. The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
  1019. Shrek.
  1020.  
  1021. HEAD GUARD
  1022. Shall I give the order, sir?
  1023.  
  1024. FARQUAAD
  1025. No, I have a better idea. People of
  1026. DuLoc, I give you our champion!
  1027.  
  1028. SHREK
  1029. What?
  1030.  
  1031. FARQUAAD
  1032. Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
  1033. honor of embarking on a great and noble
  1034. quest.
  1035.  
  1036. SHREK
  1037. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
  1038. to get my swamp back.
  1039.  
  1040. FARQUAAD
  1041. Your swamp?
  1042.  
  1043. SHREK
  1044. Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
  1045. fairy tale creatures!
  1046.  
  1047. FARQUAAD
  1048. Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
  1049. a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
  1050. I'll give you your swamp back.
  1051.  
  1052. SHREK
  1053. Exactly the way it was?
  1054.  
  1055. FARQUAAD
  1056. Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
  1057.  
  1058.  
  1059. SHREK
  1060. And the squatters?
  1061.  
  1062. FARQUAAD
  1063. As good as gone.
  1064.  
  1065. SHREK
  1066. What kind of quest?
  1067.  
  1068. Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
  1069. heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
  1070.  
  1071. DONKEY
  1072. Let me get this straight. You're gonna
  1073. go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
  1074. just so Farquaad will give you back
  1075. a swamp which you only don't have because
  1076. he filled it full of freaks in the first
  1077. place. Is that about right?
  1078.  
  1079. SHREK
  1080. You know, maybe there's a good reason
  1081. donkeys shouldn't talk.
  1082.  
  1083. DONKEY
  1084. I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
  1085. some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
  1086. him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
  1087. his bones to make your bread, the whole
  1088. ogre trip.
  1089.  
  1090. SHREK
  1091. Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
  1092. decapitated an entire village and put
  1093. their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
  1094. cut open their spleen and drink their
  1095. fluids. Does that sound good to you?
  1096.  
  1097.  
  1098. DONKEY
  1099. Uh, no, not really, no.
  1100.  
  1101. SHREK
  1102. For your information, there's a lot
  1103. more to ogres than people think.
  1104.  
  1105. DONKEY
  1106. Example?
  1107.  
  1108. SHREK
  1109. Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
  1110. (he holds out his onion)
  1111.  
  1112. DONKEY
  1113. (sniffs the onion) They stink?
  1114.  
  1115. SHREK
  1116. Yes - - No!
  1117.  
  1118. DONKEY
  1119. They make you cry?
  1120.  
  1121. SHREK
  1122. No!
  1123.  
  1124. DONKEY
  1125. You leave them in the sun, they get
  1126. all brown, start sproutin' little white
  1127. hairs.
  1128.  
  1129. SHREK
  1130. No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
  1131. have layers! Onions have layers. You
  1132. get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
  1133. a sigh and then walks off)
  1134.  
  1135. DONKEY
  1136. (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
  1137. have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
  1138. not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
  1139. loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
  1140.  
  1141. SHREK
  1142. I don't care... what everyone likes.
  1143. Ogres are not like cakes.
  1144.  
  1145. DONKEY
  1146. You know what else everybody likes?
  1147. Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
  1148. you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
  1149. say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
  1150. Parfaits are delicious.
  1151.  
  1152. SHREK
  1153. No! You dense, irritating, miniature
  1154. beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
  1155. And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
  1156.  
  1157.  
  1158. DONKEY
  1159. Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
  1160. on the whole damn planet.
  1161.  
  1162. SHREK
  1163. You know, I think I preferred your humming.
  1164.  
  1165.  
  1166. DONKEY
  1167. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
  1168. making a mess. Just the word parfait
  1169. make me start slobbering.
  1170.  
  1171. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
  1172. a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
  1173. to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
  1174. so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
  1175.  
  1176. DRAGON'S KEEP
  1177.  
  1178. Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
  1179. house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
  1180.  
  1181.  
  1182. DONKEY
  1183. (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
  1184. You gotta warn somebody before you just
  1185. crack one off. My mouth was open and
  1186. everything.
  1187.  
  1188. SHREK
  1189. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
  1190. be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
  1191. must be getting close.
  1192.  
  1193. DONKEY
  1194. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
  1195. about it's the brimstone. I know what
  1196. I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
  1197. didn't come off no stone neither.
  1198.  
  1199.  
  1200. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
  1201. is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
  1202. the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
  1203. foreboding.
  1204.  
  1205. SHREK
  1206. Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
  1207. location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
  1208. into a groan)
  1209.  
  1210. DONKEY
  1211. Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
  1212. ogres have layers?
  1213.  
  1214. SHREK
  1215. Oh, aye.
  1216.  
  1217. DONKEY
  1218. Well, I have a bit of a confession to
  1219. make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
  1220. wear our fear right out there on our
  1221. sleeves.
  1222.  
  1223. SHREK
  1224. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
  1225.  
  1226.  
  1227. DONKEY
  1228. You know what I mean.
  1229.  
  1230. SHREK
  1231. You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
  1232.  
  1233.  
  1234. DONKEY
  1235. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
  1236. about being on a rickety bridge over
  1237. a boiling like of lava!
  1238.  
  1239. SHREK
  1240. Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
  1241. ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
  1242. just tackle this thing together one
  1243. little baby step at a time.
  1244.  
  1245. DONKEY
  1246. Really?
  1247.  
  1248. SHREK
  1249. Really, really.
  1250.  
  1251. DONKEY
  1252. Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
  1253.  
  1254.  
  1255. SHREK
  1256. Just keep moving. And don't look down.
  1257.  
  1258.  
  1259. DONKEY
  1260. Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
  1261. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
  1262. look down. (he steps through a rotting
  1263. board and ends up looking straight down
  1264. into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
  1265. Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
  1266. off, please!
  1267.  
  1268. SHREK
  1269. But you're already halfway.
  1270.  
  1271. DONKEY
  1272. But I know that half is safe!
  1273.  
  1274. SHREK
  1275. Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
  1276. You go back.
  1277.  
  1278. DONKEY
  1279. Shrek, no! Wait!
  1280.  
  1281. SHREK
  1282. Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
  1283. then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
  1284. bridge)
  1285.  
  1286. DONKEY
  1287. Don't do that!
  1288.  
  1289. SHREK
  1290. Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
  1291. the bridge again)
  1292.  
  1293. DONKEY
  1294. Yes, that!
  1295.  
  1296. SHREK
  1297. Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
  1298. bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
  1299. the bridge)
  1300.  
  1301. DONKEY
  1302. No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
  1303.  
  1304. SHREK
  1305. You said do it! I'm doin' it.
  1306.  
  1307. DONKEY
  1308. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
  1309. I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
  1310. Oh!
  1311.  
  1312. SHREK
  1313. That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
  1314. towards the castle)
  1315.  
  1316. DONKEY
  1317. Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
  1318. pain-in-the-neck anyway?
  1319.  
  1320. SHREK
  1321. Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
  1322. (chuckles)
  1323.  
  1324. DONKEY
  1325. I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
  1326.  
  1327.  
  1328. INSIDE THE CASTLE
  1329.  
  1330. DONKEY
  1331. You afraid?
  1332.  
  1333. SHREK
  1334. No.
  1335.  
  1336. DONKEY
  1337. But...
  1338.  
  1339. SHREK
  1340. Shh.
  1341.  
  1342. DONKEY
  1343. Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
  1344. and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
  1345. with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
  1346. response to an unfamiliar situation.
  1347. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
  1348. add. With a dragon that breathes fire
  1349. and eats knights and breathes fire,
  1350. it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
  1351. if you're a little scared. I sure as
  1352. heck ain't no coward. I know that.
  1353.  
  1354.  
  1355. SHREK
  1356. Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
  1357. Now go over there and see if you can
  1358. find any stairs.
  1359.  
  1360. DONKEY
  1361. Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
  1362. the princess.
  1363.  
  1364. SHREK
  1365. (putting on a helmet) The princess will
  1366. be up the stairs in the highest room
  1367. in the tallest tower.
  1368.  
  1369. DONKEY
  1370. What makes you think she'll be there?
  1371.  
  1372.  
  1373. SHREK
  1374. I read it in a book once. (walks off)
  1375.  
  1376.  
  1377. DONKEY
  1378. Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
  1379. the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
  1380. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
  1381. won't know which way they're goin'.
  1382. (walks off)
  1383.  
  1384. EMPTY ROOM
  1385.  
  1386. Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
  1387.  
  1388.  
  1389. DONKEY
  1390. I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
  1391. to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
  1392. the stair master. I've mastered the
  1393. stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
  1394. I'd step all over it.
  1395.  
  1396. ELSEWHERE
  1397.  
  1398. Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
  1399.  
  1400. SHREK
  1401. Well, at least we know where the princess
  1402. is, but where's the...
  1403.  
  1404. DONKEY
  1405. (os) Dragon!
  1406.  
  1407. Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
  1408. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
  1409. breathes fire.
  1410.  
  1411. SHREK
  1412. Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
  1413. a hold of the dragons tail and holds
  1414. on) Got ya!
  1415.  
  1416. The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
  1417. goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
  1418. tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
  1419. on the floor.
  1420.  
  1421. DONKEY
  1422. Oh! Aah! Aah!
  1423.  
  1424. Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
  1425. part of the bridge he's on.
  1426.  
  1427. DONKEY
  1428. No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
  1429. what large teeth you have. (the dragon
  1430. growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
  1431. I know you probably hear this all time
  1432. from your food, but you must bleach,
  1433. 'cause that is one dazzling smile you
  1434. got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
  1435. freshness? And you know what else? You're
  1436. - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
  1437. I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
  1438. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
  1439. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
  1440. at him) What's the matter with you?
  1441. You got something in your eye? Ohh.
  1442. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
  1443. but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
  1444. blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
  1445. heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
  1446. an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
  1447. work out if you're gonna blow smoke
  1448. rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
  1449. up with her teeth and carries him off)
  1450. No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  1451.  
  1452. FIONA'S ROOM
  1453.  
  1454. Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
  1455. so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
  1456. then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
  1457. the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
  1458. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
  1459. a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
  1460. and shakes her away.
  1461.  
  1462. FIONA
  1463. Oh! Oh!
  1464.  
  1465. SHREK
  1466. Wake up!
  1467.  
  1468. FIONA
  1469. What?
  1470.  
  1471. SHREK
  1472. Are you Princess Fiona?
  1473.  
  1474. FIONA
  1475. I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
  1476. rescue me.
  1477.  
  1478. SHREK
  1479. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
  1480.  
  1481. FIONA
  1482. But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
  1483. first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
  1484. romantic moment?
  1485.  
  1486. SHREK
  1487. Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
  1488.  
  1489.  
  1490. FIONA
  1491. Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
  1492. sweep me off my feet out yonder window
  1493. and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
  1494.  
  1495.  
  1496. SHREK
  1497. You've had a lot of time to plan this,
  1498. haven't you?
  1499.  
  1500. FIONA
  1501. (smiles) Mm-hmm.
  1502.  
  1503. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
  1504. the hallway.
  1505.  
  1506. FIONA
  1507. But we have to savor this moment! You
  1508. could recite an epic poem for me. A
  1509. ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
  1510.  
  1511.  
  1512. SHREK
  1513. I don't think so.
  1514.  
  1515. FIONA
  1516. Can I at least know the name of my champion?
  1517.  
  1518.  
  1519. SHREK
  1520. Uh, Shrek.
  1521.  
  1522. FIONA
  1523. Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
  1524. out a handkerchief) I pray that you
  1525. take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
  1526.  
  1527.  
  1528. SHREK
  1529. Thanks!
  1530.  
  1531. Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
  1532.  
  1533. FIONA
  1534. (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
  1535.  
  1536.  
  1537. SHREK
  1538. It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
  1539. (takes off running and drags Fiona behind
  1540. him.)
  1541.  
  1542. FIONA
  1543. But this isn't right! You were meant
  1544. to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
  1545. That's what all the other knights did.
  1546.  
  1547.  
  1548. SHREK
  1549. Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
  1550.  
  1551.  
  1552. FIONA
  1553. That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
  1554. stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
  1555. ignores her and heads for a wooden door
  1556. off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
  1557. going? The exit's over there.
  1558.  
  1559. SHREK
  1560. Well, I have to save my ass.
  1561.  
  1562. FIONA
  1563. What kind of knight are you?
  1564.  
  1565. SHREK
  1566. One of a kind. (opens the door into
  1567. the throne room)
  1568.  
  1569. DONKEY
  1570. (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
  1571. I believe it's healthy to get to know
  1572. someone over a long period of time.
  1573. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
  1574. worriedly) (we see him up close and
  1575. from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
  1576. the room) I don't want to rush into
  1577. a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
  1578. ready for a commitment of, uh, this
  1579. - - Magnitude really is the word I'm
  1580. looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
  1581. is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
  1582. are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
  1583. back up a little and take this one step
  1584. at a time. We really should get to know
  1585. each other first as friends or pen pals.
  1586. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
  1587. receiving cards - - I'd really love
  1588. to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
  1589. my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
  1590. gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
  1591. - - What are you gonna do with that?
  1592. Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
  1593. No, no, no. No! Oh!
  1594.  
  1595. Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
  1596. toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
  1597. up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
  1598. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
  1599. Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
  1600. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
  1601. roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
  1602. her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
  1603. a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
  1604. take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
  1605. then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
  1606.  
  1607. DONKEY
  1608. Hi, Princess!
  1609.  
  1610. FIONA
  1611. It talks!
  1612.  
  1613. SHREK
  1614. Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
  1615. the trick.
  1616.  
  1617. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
  1618. a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
  1619. crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
  1620. eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
  1621. off and walks lightly.
  1622.  
  1623. SHREK
  1624. Oh!
  1625.  
  1626. Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
  1627.  
  1628.  
  1629. SHREK
  1630. Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
  1631. take care of the dragon.
  1632.  
  1633. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
  1634. castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
  1635. chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
  1636. is still around the dragons neck.
  1637.  
  1638. SHREK
  1639. (echoing) Run!
  1640.  
  1641. They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
  1642. pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
  1643. breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
  1644. for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
  1645. are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
  1646. in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
  1647. get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
  1648. dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
  1649. quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
  1650. sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
  1651.  
  1652. FIONA
  1653. (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
  1654. did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
  1655. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
  1656. You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
  1657. (turns and sees Shrek fall down the
  1658. hill and bump into Donkey) a little
  1659. unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
  1660. is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
  1661. eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
  1662. his throat.) And where would a brave
  1663. knight be without his noble steed?
  1664.  
  1665.  
  1666. DONKEY
  1667. I hope you heard that. She called me
  1668. a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
  1669.  
  1670.  
  1671. FIONA
  1672. The battle is won. You may remove your
  1673. helmet, good Sir Knight.
  1674.  
  1675. SHREK
  1676. Uh, no.
  1677.  
  1678. FIONA
  1679. Why not?
  1680.  
  1681. SHREK
  1682. I have helmet hair.
  1683.  
  1684. FIONA
  1685. Please. I would'st look upon the face
  1686. of my rescuer.
  1687.  
  1688. SHREK
  1689. No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
  1690.  
  1691. FIONA
  1692. But how will you kiss me?
  1693.  
  1694. SHREK
  1695. What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
  1696. job description.
  1697.  
  1698. DONKEY
  1699. Maybe it's a perk.
  1700.  
  1701. FIONA
  1702. No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
  1703. how it goes. A princess locked in a
  1704. tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
  1705. by a brave knight, and then they share
  1706. true love's first kiss.
  1707.  
  1708. DONKEY
  1709. Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
  1710. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
  1711. love?
  1712.  
  1713. FIONA
  1714. Well, yes.
  1715.  
  1716. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
  1717.  
  1718. DONKEY
  1719. You think Shrek is your true love!
  1720.  
  1721.  
  1722. FIONA
  1723. What is so funny?
  1724.  
  1725. SHREK
  1726. Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
  1727. Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
  1728. Now - - Now remove your helmet.
  1729.  
  1730. SHREK
  1731. Look. I really don't think this is a
  1732. good idea.
  1733.  
  1734. FIONA
  1735. Just take off the helmet.
  1736.  
  1737. SHREK
  1738. I'm not going to.
  1739.  
  1740. FIONA
  1741. Take it off.
  1742.  
  1743. SHREK
  1744. No!
  1745.  
  1746. FIONA
  1747. Now!
  1748.  
  1749. SHREK
  1750. Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
  1751. (takes off his helmet)
  1752.  
  1753. FIONA
  1754. You- - You're a- - an ogre.
  1755.  
  1756. SHREK
  1757. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
  1758.  
  1759.  
  1760. FIONA
  1761. Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
  1762. all wrong. You're not supposed to be
  1763. an ogre.
  1764.  
  1765. SHREK
  1766. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
  1767. Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
  1768. wants to marry you.
  1769.  
  1770. FIONA
  1771. Then why didn't he come rescue me?
  1772.  
  1773.  
  1774. SHREK
  1775. Good question. You should ask him that
  1776. when we get there.
  1777.  
  1778. FIONA
  1779. But I have to be rescued by my true
  1780. love, not by some ogre and his- - his
  1781. pet.
  1782.  
  1783. DONKEY
  1784. Well, so much for noble steed.
  1785.  
  1786. SHREK
  1787. You're not making my job any easier.
  1788.  
  1789.  
  1790. FIONA
  1791. I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
  1792. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
  1793. wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
  1794. waiting for him right here.
  1795.  
  1796. SHREK
  1797. Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
  1798. right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
  1799. (he swiftly picks her up and swings
  1800. her over his shoulder like she was a
  1801. sack of potatoes)
  1802.  
  1803. FIONA
  1804. You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
  1805.  
  1806. SHREK
  1807. Ya comin', Donkey?
  1808.  
  1809. DONKEY
  1810. I'm right behind ya.
  1811.  
  1812. FIONA
  1813. Put me down, or you will suffer the
  1814. consequences! This is not dignified!
  1815. Put me down!
  1816.  
  1817. WOODS
  1818.  
  1819. A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
  1820. hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
  1821.  
  1822. DONKEY
  1823. Okay, so here's another question. Say
  1824. there's a woman that digs you, right,
  1825. but you don't really like her that way.
  1826. How do you let her down real easy so
  1827. her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
  1828. get burned to a crisp and eaten?
  1829.  
  1830. FIONA
  1831. You just tell her she's not your true
  1832. love. Everyone knows what happens when
  1833. you find your...(Shrek drops her on
  1834. the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
  1835. DuLoc the better.
  1836.  
  1837. DONKEY
  1838. You're gonna love it there, Princess.
  1839. It's beautiful!
  1840.  
  1841. FIONA
  1842. And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
  1843. What's he like?
  1844.  
  1845. SHREK
  1846. Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
  1847. of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
  1848. (he and Donkey laugh)
  1849.  
  1850. Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
  1851. the dust and grime.
  1852.  
  1853. DONKEY
  1854. I don't know. There are those who think
  1855. little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
  1856. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
  1857. just jealous you can never measure up
  1858. to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
  1859.  
  1860.  
  1861. SHREK
  1862. Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
  1863. But I'll let you do the "measuring"
  1864. when you see him tomorrow.
  1865.  
  1866. FIONA
  1867. (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
  1868. It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
  1869. to make camp?
  1870.  
  1871. SHREK
  1872. No, that'll take longer. We can keep
  1873. going.
  1874.  
  1875. FIONA
  1876. But there's robbers in the woods.
  1877.  
  1878. DONKEY
  1879. Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
  1880. to sound good.
  1881.  
  1882. SHREK
  1883. Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
  1884. we're going to see in this forest.
  1885.  
  1886.  
  1887. FIONA
  1888. I need to find somewhere to camp now!
  1889.  
  1890.  
  1891. Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
  1892.  
  1893.  
  1894. MOUNTAIN CLIFF
  1895.  
  1896. Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
  1897. a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
  1898.  
  1899. SHREK
  1900. Hey! Over here.
  1901.  
  1902. DONKEY
  1903. Shrek, we can do better than that. I
  1904. don't think this is fit for a princess.
  1905.  
  1906.  
  1907. FIONA
  1908. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
  1909. a few homey touches.
  1910.  
  1911. SHREK
  1912. Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
  1913. a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
  1914. who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
  1915.  
  1916.  
  1917. FIONA
  1918. A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
  1919. good night. (goes into the cave and
  1920. puts the bark door up behind her)
  1921.  
  1922.  
  1923. DONKEY
  1924. You want me to read you a bedtime story?
  1925. I will.
  1926.  
  1927. FIONA
  1928. (os) I said good night!
  1929.  
  1930. Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
  1931. boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
  1932. still inside.
  1933.  
  1934. DONKEY
  1935. Shrek, What are you doing?
  1936.  
  1937. SHREK
  1938. (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
  1939. come on. I was just kidding.
  1940.  
  1941. LATER THAT NIGHT
  1942.  
  1943. Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
  1944. up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
  1945. to Donkey.
  1946.  
  1947. SHREK
  1948. And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
  1949. the only ogre to ever spit over three
  1950. wheat fields.
  1951.  
  1952. DONKEY
  1953. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
  1954. from these stars?
  1955.  
  1956. SHREK
  1957. The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
  1958. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
  1959. the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
  1960. famous for.
  1961.  
  1962. DONKEY
  1963. I know you're making this up.
  1964.  
  1965. SHREK
  1966. No, look. There he is, and there's the
  1967. group of hunters running away from his
  1968. stench.
  1969.  
  1970. DONKEY
  1971. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
  1972. dots.
  1973.  
  1974. SHREK
  1975. You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
  1976. more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
  1977.  
  1978.  
  1979. DONKEY
  1980. (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
  1981. we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
  1982.  
  1983.  
  1984. SHREK
  1985. Our swamp?
  1986.  
  1987. DONKEY
  1988. You know, when we're through rescuing
  1989. the princess.
  1990.  
  1991. SHREK
  1992. We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
  1993. no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
  1994. The first thing I'm gonna do is build
  1995. a ten-foot wall around my land.
  1996.  
  1997. DONKEY
  1998. You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
  1999. deep just now. You know what I think?
  2000. I think this whole wall thing is just
  2001. a way to keep somebody out.
  2002.  
  2003. SHREK
  2004. No, do ya think?
  2005.  
  2006. DONKEY
  2007. Are you hidin' something?
  2008.  
  2009. SHREK
  2010. Never mind, Donkey.
  2011.  
  2012. DONKEY
  2013. Oh, this is another one of those onion
  2014. things, isn't it?
  2015.  
  2016. SHREK
  2017. No, this is one of those drop-it and
  2018. leave-it alone things.
  2019.  
  2020. DONKEY
  2021. Why don't you want to talk about it?
  2022.  
  2023.  
  2024. SHREK
  2025. Why do you want to talk about it?
  2026.  
  2027. DONKEY
  2028. Why are you blocking?
  2029.  
  2030. SHREK
  2031. I'm not blocking.
  2032.  
  2033. DONKEY
  2034. Oh, yes, you are.
  2035.  
  2036. SHREK
  2037. Donkey, I'm warning you.
  2038.  
  2039. DONKEY
  2040. Who you trying to keep out?
  2041.  
  2042. SHREK
  2043. Everyone! Okay?
  2044.  
  2045. DONKEY
  2046. (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
  2047. (grins)
  2048.  
  2049. At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
  2050. the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
  2051.  
  2052. SHREK
  2053. Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
  2054. walks over to the edge of the cliff
  2055. and sits down)
  2056.  
  2057. DONKEY
  2058. What's your problem? What you got against
  2059. the whole world anyway?
  2060.  
  2061. SHREK
  2062. Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
  2063. okay? It's the world that seems to have
  2064. a problem with me. People take one look
  2065. at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
  2066. stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
  2067. they even know me. That's why I'm better
  2068. off alone.
  2069.  
  2070. DONKEY
  2071. You know what? When we met, I didn't
  2072. think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
  2073. ogre.
  2074.  
  2075. SHREK
  2076. Yeah, I know.
  2077.  
  2078. DONKEY
  2079. So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
  2080.  
  2081.  
  2082. SHREK
  2083. Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
  2084. and Annoying.
  2085.  
  2086. DONKEY
  2087. Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
  2088. one, right there. That one there?
  2089.  
  2090.  
  2091. Fiona puts the door back.
  2092.  
  2093. SHREK
  2094. That's the moon.
  2095.  
  2096. DONKEY
  2097. Oh, okay.
  2098.  
  2099. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom
  2100.  
  2101. The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
  2102. in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
  2103. Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
  2104.  
  2105. FARQUAAD
  2106. Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
  2107. show her to me. Show me the princess.
  2108.  
  2109.  
  2110. MIRROR
  2111. Hmph.
  2112.  
  2113. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
  2114.  
  2115.  
  2116. FARQUAAD
  2117. Ah. Perfect.
  2118.  
  2119. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
  2120. to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
  2121. at her image in the mirror.
  2122.  
  2123. MORNING
  2124.  
  2125. Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
  2126. who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
  2127. across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
  2128. with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
  2129. to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
  2130. big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
  2131. she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
  2132. is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
  2133. sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
  2134. in his sleep.
  2135.  
  2136. DONKEY
  2137. (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
  2138. it like that. Come on, baby. I said
  2139. I like it.
  2140.  
  2141. SHREK
  2142. Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
  2143.  
  2144. DONKEY
  2145. Huh? What?
  2146.  
  2147. SHREK
  2148. Wake up.
  2149.  
  2150. DONKEY
  2151. What? (stretches and yawns)
  2152.  
  2153. FIONA
  2154. Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
  2155. eggs?
  2156.  
  2157. DONKEY
  2158. Oh, good morning, Princess!
  2159.  
  2160. Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
  2161.  
  2162. SHREK
  2163. What's all this about?
  2164.  
  2165. FIONA
  2166. You know, we kind of got off to a bad
  2167. start yesterday. I wanted to make it
  2168. up to you. I mean, after all, you did
  2169. rescue me.
  2170.  
  2171. SHREK
  2172. Uh, thanks.
  2173.  
  2174. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
  2175.  
  2176. FIONA
  2177. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
  2178. of us. (walks off)
  2179.  
  2180. LATER
  2181.  
  2182. They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
  2183. forest. Shrek belches.
  2184.  
  2185. DONKEY
  2186. Shrek!
  2187.  
  2188. SHREK
  2189. What? It's a compliment. Better out
  2190. than in, I always say. (laughs)
  2191.  
  2192. DONKEY
  2193. Well, it's no way to behave in front
  2194. of a princess.
  2195.  
  2196. Fiona belches
  2197.  
  2198. FIONA
  2199. Thanks.
  2200.  
  2201. DONKEY
  2202. She's as nasty as you are.
  2203.  
  2204. SHREK
  2205. (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
  2206. what I expected.
  2207.  
  2208. FIONA
  2209. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
  2210. before you get to know them.
  2211.  
  2212. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
  2213. from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
  2214. a tree.
  2215.  
  2216. ROBIN HOOD
  2217. La liberte! Hey!
  2218.  
  2219. SHREK
  2220. Princess!
  2221.  
  2222. FIONA
  2223. (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
  2224.  
  2225.  
  2226. ROBIN HOOD
  2227. Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
  2228. And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
  2229. up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
  2230. disgust)...beast.
  2231.  
  2232. SHREK
  2233. Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
  2234. own!
  2235.  
  2236. ROBIN HOOD
  2237. Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
  2238. little busy here?
  2239.  
  2240. FIONA
  2241. (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
  2242. know who you think you are!
  2243.  
  2244. ROBIN HOOD
  2245. Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
  2246. let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
  2247. (laughs)
  2248.  
  2249. Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
  2250. from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
  2251.  
  2252. MERRY MEN
  2253. Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
  2254.  
  2255. ROBIN HOOD
  2256. I steal from the rich and give to the
  2257. needy.
  2258.  
  2259. MERRY MEN
  2260. He takes a wee percentage,
  2261.  
  2262. ROBIN HOOD
  2263. But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
  2264. damsels, man, I'm good.
  2265.  
  2266. MERRY MEN
  2267. What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
  2268.  
  2269. ROBIN HOOD
  2270. Break it down. I like an honest fight
  2271. and a saucy little maid...
  2272.  
  2273. MERRY MEN
  2274. What he's basically saying is he likes
  2275. to get...
  2276.  
  2277. ROBIN HOOD
  2278. Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
  2279. grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
  2280.  
  2281.  
  2282. MERRY MEN
  2283. That's bad.
  2284.  
  2285. ROBIN HOOD
  2286. When a beauty's with a beast it makes
  2287. me awfully mad.
  2288.  
  2289. MERRY MEN
  2290. He's mad, he's really, really mad.
  2291.  
  2292.  
  2293. ROBIN HOOD
  2294. I'll take my blade and ram it through
  2295. your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
  2296. 'cause I'm about to start...
  2297.  
  2298. There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
  2299. knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
  2300.  
  2301. FIONA
  2302. Man, that was annoying!
  2303.  
  2304. Shrek looks at her in admiration.
  2305.  
  2306. MERRY MAN
  2307. Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
  2308. Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
  2309.  
  2310.  
  2311. The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
  2312. get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
  2313.  
  2314.  
  2315. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
  2316. then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
  2317. a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
  2318. mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
  2319. and Fiona begins walking away.
  2320.  
  2321. FIONA
  2322. Uh, shall we?
  2323.  
  2324. SHREK
  2325. Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
  2326. walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
  2327. whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
  2328. from?
  2329.  
  2330. FIONA
  2331. What?
  2332.  
  2333. SHREK
  2334. That! Back there. That was amazing!
  2335. Where did you learn that?
  2336.  
  2337. FIONA
  2338. Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
  2339. uh, one has to learn these things in
  2340. case there's a...(gasps and points)
  2341. there's an arrow in your butt!
  2342.  
  2343. SHREK
  2344. What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
  2345. look at that? (he goes to pull it out
  2346. but flinches because it's tender)
  2347.  
  2348.  
  2349. FIONA
  2350. Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
  2351. sorry.
  2352.  
  2353. DONKEY
  2354. (walking up) Why? What's wrong?
  2355.  
  2356. FIONA
  2357. Shrek's hurt.
  2358.  
  2359. DONKEY
  2360. Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
  2361. Shrek's gonna die.
  2362.  
  2363. SHREK
  2364. Donkey, I'm okay.
  2365.  
  2366. DONKEY
  2367. You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
  2368. too young for you to die. Keep you legs
  2369. elevated. Turn your head and cough.
  2370. Does anyone know the Heimlich?
  2371.  
  2372. FIONA
  2373. Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
  2374. Shrek, run into the woods and find me
  2375. a blue flower with red thorns.
  2376.  
  2377. DONKEY
  2378. Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
  2379. it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
  2380. Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
  2381. away from the light!
  2382.  
  2383. SHREK & FIONA
  2384. Donkey!
  2385.  
  2386. DONKEY
  2387. Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
  2388. (runs off)
  2389.  
  2390. SHREK
  2391. What are the flowers for?
  2392.  
  2393. FIONA
  2394. (like it's obvious) For getting rid
  2395. of Donkey.
  2396.  
  2397. SHREK
  2398. Ah.
  2399.  
  2400. FIONA
  2401. Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
  2402. thing out. (gives the arrow a little
  2403. pull)
  2404.  
  2405. SHREK
  2406. (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
  2407. yankin'.
  2408.  
  2409. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
  2410. Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
  2411.  
  2412. FIONA
  2413. I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
  2414.  
  2415.  
  2416. SHREK
  2417. No, it's tender.
  2418.  
  2419. FIONA
  2420. Now, hold on.
  2421.  
  2422. SHREK
  2423. What you're doing is the opposite of
  2424. help.
  2425.  
  2426. FIONA
  2427. Don't move.
  2428.  
  2429. SHREK
  2430. Look, time out.
  2431.  
  2432. FIONA
  2433. Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
  2434. hand over her face to stop her from
  2435. getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
  2436. you propose we do?
  2437.  
  2438. ELSEWHERE
  2439.  
  2440. Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
  2441.  
  2442. DONKEY
  2443. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
  2444. red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
  2445. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
  2446. color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
  2447.  
  2448.  
  2449. SHREK
  2450. (os) Ow!
  2451.  
  2452. DONKEY
  2453. Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
  2454. flower off a nearby bush that just happens
  2455. to be a blue flower with red thorns)
  2456.  
  2457.  
  2458. THE FOREST PATH
  2459.  
  2460. SHREK
  2461. Ow! Not good.
  2462.  
  2463. FIONA
  2464. Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
  2465. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
  2466. about...
  2467.  
  2468. SHREK
  2469. Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
  2470. over with Fiona on top of him)
  2471.  
  2472. DONKEY
  2473. Ahem.
  2474.  
  2475. SHREK
  2476. (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
  2477. happend. We were just, uh - -
  2478.  
  2479. DONKEY
  2480. Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
  2481. you had to do was ask. Okay?
  2482.  
  2483. SHREK
  2484. Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
  2485. my mind. The princess here was just-
  2486. - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
  2487. turns to look at Fiona who holds up
  2488. the arrow with a smile) Ow!
  2489.  
  2490. DONKEY
  2491. Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
  2492. That's...is that blood?
  2493.  
  2494. Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
  2495. on their way.
  2496.  
  2497. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
  2498. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
  2499. small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
  2500. Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
  2501. into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
  2502. and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
  2503. that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
  2504. around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
  2505. eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
  2506. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
  2507. it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
  2508. it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
  2509. arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
  2510.  
  2511. WINDMILL
  2512.  
  2513. SHREK
  2514. There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
  2515. you.
  2516.  
  2517. FIONA
  2518. That's DuLoc?
  2519.  
  2520. DONKEY
  2521. Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
  2522. Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
  2523. which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
  2524. steps on his hoof) Ow!
  2525.  
  2526. SHREK
  2527. Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
  2528. on.
  2529.  
  2530. FIONA
  2531. Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
  2532. about Donkey.
  2533.  
  2534. SHREK
  2535. What?
  2536.  
  2537. FIONA
  2538. I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
  2539. so good.
  2540.  
  2541. DONKEY
  2542. What are you talking about? I'm fine.
  2543.  
  2544.  
  2545. FIONA
  2546. (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
  2547. what they always say, and then next
  2548. thing you know, you're on your back.
  2549. (pause) Dead.
  2550.  
  2551. SHREK
  2552. You know, she's right. You look awful.
  2553. Do you want to sit down?
  2554.  
  2555. FIONA
  2556. Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
  2557.  
  2558.  
  2559. DONKEY
  2560. I didn't want to say nothin', but I
  2561. got this twinge in my neck, and when
  2562. I turn my head like this, look, (turns
  2563. his neck in a very sharp way until his
  2564. head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
  2565.  
  2566.  
  2567. SHREK
  2568. Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
  2569.  
  2570.  
  2571. FIONA
  2572. I'll get the firewood.
  2573.  
  2574. DONKEY
  2575. Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
  2576. feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
  2577. I don't have any toes! I think I need
  2578. a hug.
  2579.  
  2580. SUNSET
  2581.  
  2582. Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
  2583. Fiona eats.
  2584.  
  2585. FIONA
  2586. Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
  2587. What is this?
  2588.  
  2589. SHREK
  2590. Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
  2591.  
  2592. FIONA
  2593. No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
  2594.  
  2595.  
  2596. SHREK
  2597. Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
  2598. I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
  2599. weed rat stew. (chuckles)
  2600.  
  2601. Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
  2602.  
  2603. FIONA
  2604. I guess I'll be dining a little differently
  2605. tomorrow night.
  2606.  
  2607. SHREK
  2608. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
  2609. sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
  2610. for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
  2611. - - you name it.
  2612.  
  2613. FIONA
  2614. (smiles) I'd like that.
  2615.  
  2616. They smiles at each other.
  2617.  
  2618. SHREK
  2619. Um, Princess?
  2620.  
  2621. FIONA
  2622. Yes, Shrek?
  2623.  
  2624. SHREK
  2625. I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
  2626. Are you gonna eat that?
  2627.  
  2628. DONKEY
  2629. (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
  2630. Just look at that sunset.
  2631.  
  2632. FIONA
  2633. (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
  2634. late. I-It's very late.
  2635.  
  2636. SHREK
  2637. What?
  2638.  
  2639. DONKEY
  2640. Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
  2641. here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
  2642. you?
  2643.  
  2644. FIONA
  2645. Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
  2646. You know, I'd better go inside.
  2647.  
  2648. DONKEY
  2649. Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
  2650. be afraid of the dark, too, until -
  2651. - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
  2652. the dark.
  2653.  
  2654. Shrek sighs
  2655.  
  2656. FIONA
  2657. Good night.
  2658.  
  2659. SHREK
  2660. Good night.
  2661.  
  2662. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
  2663. at Shrek with a new eye.
  2664.  
  2665. DONKEY
  2666. Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
  2667. here.
  2668.  
  2669. SHREK
  2670. Oh, what are you talkin' about?
  2671.  
  2672. DONKEY
  2673. I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
  2674. an animal, and I got instincts. And
  2675. I know you two were diggin' on each
  2676. other. I could feel it.
  2677.  
  2678. SHREK
  2679. You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
  2680. back to Farquaad.
  2681.  
  2682. DONKEY
  2683. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
  2684. the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
  2685. her how you feel.
  2686.  
  2687. SHREK
  2688. I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
  2689. even if I did tell her that, well, you
  2690. know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
  2691. I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
  2692. - -
  2693.  
  2694. DONKEY
  2695. An ogre?
  2696.  
  2697. SHREK
  2698. Yeah. An ogre.
  2699.  
  2700. DONKEY
  2701. Hey, where you goin'?
  2702.  
  2703. SHREK
  2704. To get... move firewood. (sighs)
  2705.  
  2706. Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
  2707. is.
  2708.  
  2709. TIME LAPSE
  2710.  
  2711. Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
  2712. nowhere to be seen.
  2713.  
  2714. DONKEY
  2715. Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
  2716. where are you? Princess?
  2717.  
  2718. Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
  2719.  
  2720.  
  2721. DONKEY
  2722. It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
  2723. no games.
  2724.  
  2725. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
  2726. look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
  2727. out.
  2728.  
  2729. DONKEY
  2730. Aah!
  2731.  
  2732. FIONA
  2733. Oh, no!
  2734.  
  2735. DONKEY
  2736. No, help!
  2737.  
  2738. FIONA
  2739. Shh!
  2740.  
  2741. DONKEY
  2742. Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  2743.  
  2744. FIONA
  2745. No, it's okay. It's okay.
  2746.  
  2747. DONKEY
  2748. What did you do with the princess?
  2749.  
  2750.  
  2751. FIONA
  2752. Donkey, I'm the princess.
  2753.  
  2754. DONKEY
  2755. Aah!
  2756.  
  2757. FIONA
  2758. It's me, in this body.
  2759.  
  2760. DONKEY
  2761. Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
  2762. her stomach) Can you hear me?
  2763.  
  2764. FIONA
  2765. Donkey!
  2766.  
  2767. DONKEY
  2768. (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
  2769. keep breathing! I'll get you out of
  2770. there!
  2771.  
  2772. FIONA
  2773. No!
  2774.  
  2775. DONKEY
  2776. Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  2777.  
  2778. FIONA
  2779. Shh.
  2780.  
  2781. DONKEY
  2782. Shrek!
  2783.  
  2784. FIONA
  2785. This is me.
  2786.  
  2787. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
  2788. down.
  2789.  
  2790. DONKEY
  2791. Princess? What happened to you? You're,
  2792. uh, uh, uh, different.
  2793.  
  2794. FIONA
  2795. I'm ugly, okay?
  2796.  
  2797. DONKEY
  2798. Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
  2799. 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
  2800. bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
  2801. Now - -
  2802.  
  2803. FIONA
  2804. No. I - - I've been this way as long
  2805. as I can remember.
  2806.  
  2807. DONKEY
  2808. What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
  2809. seen you like this before.
  2810.  
  2811. FIONA
  2812. It only happens when sun goes down.
  2813. "By night one way, by day another. This
  2814. shall be the norm... until you find
  2815. true love's first kiss... and then take
  2816. love's true form."
  2817.  
  2818. DONKEY
  2819. Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
  2820. you wrote poetry.
  2821.  
  2822. FIONA
  2823. It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
  2824. girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
  2825. night I become this. This horrible,
  2826. ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
  2827. to await the day my true love would
  2828. rescue me. That's why I have to marry
  2829. Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
  2830. sets and he sees me like this. (begins
  2831. to cry)
  2832.  
  2833. DONKEY
  2834. All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
  2835. it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
  2836. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
  2837. But you only look like this at night.
  2838. Shrek's ugly 24-7.
  2839.  
  2840. FIONA
  2841. But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
  2842. is not how a princess is meant to look.
  2843.  
  2844.  
  2845. DONKEY
  2846. Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
  2847. Farquaad?
  2848.  
  2849. FIONA
  2850. I have to. Only my true love's kiss
  2851. can break the spell.
  2852.  
  2853. DONKEY
  2854. But, you know, um, you're kind of an
  2855. orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
  2856. lot in common.
  2857.  
  2858. FIONA
  2859. Shrek?
  2860.  
  2861. OUTSIDE
  2862.  
  2863. Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
  2864. hand.
  2865.  
  2866. SHREK
  2867. (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
  2868. it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
  2869. for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
  2870. and thought of you because it's pretty
  2871. and - - well, I don't really like it,
  2872. but I thought you might like it 'cause
  2873. you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
  2874. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
  2875. Okay, here we go.
  2876.  
  2877. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
  2878. and Fiona talking.
  2879.  
  2880. FIONA
  2881. (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
  2882. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
  2883. really, who can ever love a beast so
  2884. hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
  2885. don't go together. That's why I can't
  2886. stay here with Shrek.
  2887.  
  2888. Shrek steps back in shock.
  2889.  
  2890. FIONA
  2891. (os) My only chance to live happily
  2892. ever after is to marry my true love.
  2893.  
  2894.  
  2895. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
  2896. away.
  2897.  
  2898. INSIDE
  2899.  
  2900. FIONA
  2901. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
  2902. it has to be. It's the only way to break
  2903. the spell.
  2904.  
  2905. DONKEY
  2906. You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
  2907.  
  2908.  
  2909. FIONA
  2910. No! You can't breathe a word. No one
  2911. must ever know.
  2912.  
  2913. DONKEY
  2914. What's the point of being able to talk
  2915. if you gotta keep secrets?
  2916.  
  2917. FIONA
  2918. Promise you won't tell. Promise!
  2919.  
  2920. DONKEY
  2921. All right, all right. I won't tell him.
  2922. But you should. (goes outside) I just
  2923. know before this is over, I'm gonna
  2924. need a whole lot of serious therapy.
  2925. Look at my eye twitchin'.
  2926.  
  2927. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
  2928. down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
  2929. inside the windmill.
  2930.  
  2931. MORNING
  2932.  
  2933. Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
  2934. awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
  2935.  
  2936. FIONA
  2937. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
  2938. I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
  2939. runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
  2940. Shrek, there's something I want...(she
  2941. looks and sees the rising sun, and as
  2942. the sun crests the sky she turns back
  2943. into a human.)
  2944.  
  2945. Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
  2946. her.
  2947.  
  2948. FIONA
  2949. Shrek. Are you all right?
  2950.  
  2951. SHREK
  2952. Perfect! Never been better.
  2953.  
  2954. FIONA
  2955. I - - I don't - - There's something
  2956. I have to tell you.
  2957.  
  2958. SHREK
  2959. You don't have to tell me anything,
  2960. Princess. I heard enough last night.
  2961.  
  2962.  
  2963. FIONA
  2964. You heard what I said?
  2965.  
  2966. SHREK
  2967. Every word.
  2968.  
  2969. FIONA
  2970. I thought you'd understand.
  2971.  
  2972. SHREK
  2973. Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
  2974. could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
  2975.  
  2976.  
  2977. FIONA
  2978. But I thought that wouldn't matter to
  2979. you.
  2980.  
  2981. SHREK
  2982. Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
  2983. him in shock. He looks past her and
  2984. spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
  2985. on time. Princess, I've brought you
  2986. a little something.
  2987.  
  2988. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
  2989. sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
  2990. like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
  2991. march by.
  2992.  
  2993. DONKEY
  2994. What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
  2995. the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
  2996. Couldn't have been the donkey.
  2997.  
  2998. FARQUAAD
  2999. Princess Fiona.
  3000.  
  3001. SHREK
  3002. As promised. Now hand it over.
  3003.  
  3004. FARQUAAD
  3005. Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
  3006. of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
  3007. out, as agreed. Take it and go before
  3008. I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
  3009. Forgive me, Princess, for startling
  3010. you, but you startled me, for I have
  3011. never seen such a radiant beauty before.
  3012. I'm Lord Farquaad.
  3013.  
  3014. FIONA
  3015. Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
  3016. snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
  3017. for I was just saying a short... (Watches
  3018. as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
  3019. and set down in front of her. He comes
  3020. to her waist.) farewell.
  3021.  
  3022. FARQUAAD
  3023. Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
  3024. to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
  3025. not like it has feelings.
  3026.  
  3027. FIONA
  3028. No, you're right. It doesn't.
  3029.  
  3030. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
  3031.  
  3032.  
  3033. FARQUAAD
  3034. Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
  3035. Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
  3036. Will you be the perfect bride for the
  3037. perfect groom?
  3038.  
  3039. FIONA
  3040. Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
  3041. make - -
  3042.  
  3043. FARQUAAD
  3044. (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
  3045. the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
  3046.  
  3047. FIONA
  3048. No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
  3049. married today before the sun sets.
  3050.  
  3051.  
  3052. FARQUAAD
  3053. Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
  3054. The sooner, the better. There's so much
  3055. to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
  3056. the band, the guest list. Captain, round
  3057. up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
  3058. on the back of his horse)
  3059.  
  3060. FIONA
  3061. Fare-thee-well, ogre.
  3062.  
  3063. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
  3064. them go.
  3065.  
  3066. DONKEY
  3067. Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
  3068. her get away.
  3069.  
  3070. SHREK
  3071. Yeah? So what?
  3072.  
  3073. DONKEY
  3074. Shrek, there's something about her you
  3075. don't know. Look, I talked to her last
  3076. night, She's - -
  3077.  
  3078. SHREK
  3079. I know you talked to her last night.
  3080. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
  3081. you two are such good friends, why don't
  3082. you follow her home?
  3083.  
  3084. DONKEY
  3085. Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
  3086.  
  3087. SHREK
  3088. I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
  3089. home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
  3090. Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
  3091. Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
  3092. talking donkeys!
  3093.  
  3094. DONKEY
  3095. But I thought - -
  3096.  
  3097. SHREK
  3098. Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
  3099. (stomps off)
  3100.  
  3101. DONKEY
  3102. Shrek.
  3103.  
  3104. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
  3105. being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
  3106. into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
  3107. alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
  3108.  
  3109. SHREK'S HOME
  3110.  
  3111. Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
  3112. outside to investigate.
  3113.  
  3114. SHREK
  3115. Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
  3116. with what he's doing.) What are you
  3117. doing?
  3118.  
  3119. DONKEY
  3120. I would think, of all people, you would
  3121. recognize a wall when you see one.
  3122.  
  3123.  
  3124. SHREK
  3125. Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
  3126. to go around my swamp, not through it.
  3127.  
  3128.  
  3129. DONKEY
  3130. It is around your half. See that's your
  3131. half, and this is my half.
  3132.  
  3133. SHREK
  3134. Oh! Your half. Hmm.
  3135.  
  3136. DONKEY
  3137. Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
  3138. I did half the work. I get half the
  3139. booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
  3140. the one that looks like your head.
  3141.  
  3142.  
  3143. SHREK
  3144. Back off!
  3145.  
  3146. DONKEY
  3147. No, you back off.
  3148.  
  3149. SHREK
  3150. This is my swamp!
  3151.  
  3152. DONKEY
  3153. Our swamp.
  3154.  
  3155. SHREK
  3156. (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
  3157. with) Let go, Donkey!
  3158.  
  3159. DONKEY
  3160. You let go.
  3161.  
  3162. SHREK
  3163. Stubborn jackass!
  3164.  
  3165. DONKEY
  3166. Smelly ogre.
  3167.  
  3168. SHREK
  3169. Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
  3170. away)
  3171.  
  3172. DONKEY
  3173. Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
  3174. with you yet.
  3175.  
  3176. SHREK
  3177. Well, I'm through with you.
  3178.  
  3179. DONKEY
  3180. Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
  3181. "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
  3182. it's my turn! So you just shut up and
  3183. pay attention! You are mean to me. You
  3184. insult me and you don't appreciate anything
  3185. that I do! You're always pushing me
  3186. around or pushing me away.
  3187.  
  3188. SHREK
  3189. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
  3190. bad, how come you came back?
  3191.  
  3192. DONKEY
  3193. Because that's what friends do! They
  3194. forgive each other!
  3195.  
  3196. SHREK
  3197. Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
  3198. you... for stabbin' me in the back!
  3199. (goes into the outhouse and slams the
  3200. door)
  3201.  
  3202. DONKEY
  3203. Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
  3204. onion boy, you're afraid of your own
  3205. feelings.
  3206.  
  3207. SHREK
  3208. (os) Go away!
  3209.  
  3210. DONKEY
  3211. There you are , doing it again just
  3212. like you did to Fiona. All she ever
  3213. do was like you, maybe even love you.
  3214.  
  3215.  
  3216. SHREK
  3217. (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
  3218. hideous creature. I heard the two of
  3219. you talking.
  3220.  
  3221. DONKEY
  3222. She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
  3223. talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
  3224.  
  3225.  
  3226. SHREK
  3227. (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
  3228. talking about me? Well, then who was
  3229. she talking about?
  3230.  
  3231. DONKEY
  3232. Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
  3233. You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
  3234. Right?
  3235.  
  3236. SHREK
  3237. Donkey!
  3238.  
  3239. DONKEY
  3240. No!
  3241.  
  3242. SHREK
  3243. Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
  3244. I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
  3245. stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
  3246.  
  3247.  
  3248. DONKEY
  3249. Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
  3250.  
  3251.  
  3252. SHREK
  3253. Right. Friends?
  3254.  
  3255. DONKEY
  3256. Friends.
  3257.  
  3258. SHREK
  3259. So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
  3260.  
  3261.  
  3262. DONKEY
  3263. What are you asking me for? Why don't
  3264. you just go ask her?
  3265.  
  3266. SHREK
  3267. The wedding! We'll never make it in
  3268. time.
  3269.  
  3270. DONKEY
  3271. Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
  3272. a will, there's a way and I have a way.
  3273. (whistles)
  3274.  
  3275. Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
  3276. they can climb on.
  3277.  
  3278. SHREK
  3279. Donkey?
  3280.  
  3281. DONKEY
  3282. I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
  3283.  
  3284.  
  3285. They both laugh.
  3286.  
  3287. SHREK
  3288. Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
  3289. noogie)
  3290.  
  3291. DONKEY
  3292. All right, all right. Don't get all
  3293. slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
  3294. right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
  3295. had a chance to install the seat belts
  3296. yet.
  3297.  
  3298. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.
  3299.  
  3300. DULOC - CHURCH
  3301.  
  3302. Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
  3303. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
  3304.  
  3305.  
  3306. PRIEST
  3307. People of DuLoc, we gather here today
  3308. to bear witness to the union....
  3309.  
  3310. FIONA
  3311. (eyeing the setting sun) Um-
  3312.  
  3313. PRIEST
  3314. ...of our new king...
  3315.  
  3316. FIONA
  3317. Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
  3318. to the "I do's"?
  3319.  
  3320. FARQUAAD
  3321. (chuckles and then motions to the priest
  3322. to indulge Fiona) Go on.
  3323.  
  3324. COURTYARD
  3325.  
  3326. Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
  3327. a boom. The guards all take off running.
  3328.  
  3329. DONKEY
  3330. (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
  3331. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
  3332. that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
  3333. Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
  3334. wanna do this right, don't you?
  3335.  
  3336. SHREK
  3337. (at the Church door) What are you talking
  3338. about?
  3339.  
  3340. DONKEY
  3341. There's a line you gotta wait for. The
  3342. preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
  3343. forever hold your peace." That's when
  3344. you say, "I object!"
  3345.  
  3346. SHREK
  3347. I don't have time for this!
  3348.  
  3349. DONKEY
  3350. Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
  3351. to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
  3352. you?
  3353.  
  3354. SHREK
  3355. Yes.
  3356.  
  3357. DONKEY
  3358. You wanna hold her?
  3359.  
  3360. SHREK
  3361. Yes.
  3362.  
  3363. DONKEY
  3364. Please her?
  3365.  
  3366. SHREK
  3367. Yes!
  3368.  
  3369. DONKEY
  3370. (singing James Brown style) Then you
  3371. got to, got to try a little tenderness.
  3372. (normal) The chicks love that romantic
  3373. crap!
  3374.  
  3375. SHREK
  3376. All right! Cut it out. When does this
  3377. guy say the line?
  3378.  
  3379. DONKEY
  3380. We gotta check it out.
  3381.  
  3382. INSIDE CHURCH
  3383.  
  3384. As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
  3385. windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
  3386.  
  3387. PRIEST
  3388. And so, by the power vested in me...
  3389.  
  3390.  
  3391. Outside
  3392.  
  3393. SHREK
  3394. What do you see?
  3395.  
  3396. DONKEY
  3397. The whole town's in there.
  3398.  
  3399. Inside
  3400.  
  3401. PRIEST
  3402. I now pronounce you husband and wife...
  3403.  
  3404.  
  3405. Outside
  3406.  
  3407. DONKEY
  3408. They're at the altar.
  3409.  
  3410. Inside
  3411.  
  3412. PRIEST
  3413. ...king and queen.
  3414.  
  3415. Outside
  3416.  
  3417. DONKEY
  3418. Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
  3419.  
  3420.  
  3421. SHREK
  3422. Oh, for the love of Pete!
  3423.  
  3424. He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
  3425.  
  3426.  
  3427. INSIDE CHURCH
  3428.  
  3429. SHREK
  3430. (running toward the alter) I object!
  3431.  
  3432.  
  3433. FIONA
  3434. Shrek?
  3435.  
  3436. The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
  3437.  
  3438. FARQUAAD
  3439. Oh, now what does he want?
  3440.  
  3441. SHREK
  3442. (to congregation as he reaches the front
  3443. of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
  3444. a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
  3445. of all. Very clean.
  3446.  
  3447. FIONA
  3448. What are you doing here?
  3449.  
  3450. SHREK
  3451. Really, it's rude enough being alive
  3452. when no one wants you, but showing up
  3453. uninvited to a wedding...
  3454.  
  3455. SHREK
  3456. Fiona! I need to talk to you.
  3457.  
  3458. FIONA
  3459. Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
  3460. late for that, so if you'll excuse me
  3461. - -
  3462.  
  3463. SHREK
  3464. But you can't marry him.
  3465.  
  3466. FIONA
  3467. And why not?
  3468.  
  3469. SHREK
  3470. Because- - Because he's just marring
  3471. you so he can be king.
  3472.  
  3473. FARQUAAD
  3474. Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
  3475.  
  3476.  
  3477. SHREK
  3478. He's not your true love.
  3479.  
  3480. FIONA
  3481. And what do you know about true love?
  3482.  
  3483.  
  3484. SHREK
  3485. Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
  3486.  
  3487. FARQUAAD
  3488. Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
  3489. in love with the princess! Oh, good
  3490. Lord. (laughs)
  3491.  
  3492. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
  3493. whole congregation laughs.
  3494.  
  3495. FARQUAAD
  3496. An ogre and a princess!
  3497.  
  3498. FIONA
  3499. Shrek, is this true?
  3500.  
  3501. FARQUAAD
  3502. Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
  3503. my love, we're but a kiss away from
  3504. our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
  3505. (puckers his lips and leans toward her,
  3506. but she pulls back.)
  3507.  
  3508. FIONA
  3509. (looking at the setting sun) "By night
  3510. one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
  3511. I wanted to show you before.
  3512.  
  3513. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
  3514. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
  3515.  
  3516. SHREK
  3517. Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
  3518. smiles)
  3519.  
  3520. FARQUAAD
  3521. Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
  3522. I order you to get that out of my sight
  3523. now! Get them! Get them both!
  3524.  
  3525. The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
  3526. them.
  3527.  
  3528. SHREK
  3529. No, no!
  3530.  
  3531. FIONA
  3532. Shrek!
  3533.  
  3534. FARQUAAD
  3535. This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
  3536. marriage is binding, and that makes
  3537. me king! See? See?
  3538.  
  3539. FIONA
  3540. No, let go of me! Shrek!
  3541.  
  3542. SHREK
  3543. No!
  3544.  
  3545. FARQUAAD
  3546. Don't just stand there, you morons.
  3547.  
  3548.  
  3549. SHREK
  3550. Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
  3551.  
  3552. FARQUAAD
  3553. I'll make you regret the day we met.
  3554. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
  3555. beg for death to save you!
  3556.  
  3557. FIONA
  3558. No, Shrek!
  3559.  
  3560. FARQUAAD
  3561. (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
  3562. as for you, my wife...
  3563.  
  3564. SHREK
  3565. Fiona!
  3566.  
  3567. FARQUAAD
  3568. I'll have you locked back in that tower
  3569. for the rest of your days! I'm king!
  3570.  
  3571.  
  3572. Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
  3573.  
  3574. FARQUAAD
  3575. I will have order! I will have perfection!
  3576. I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
  3577. show up and the dragon leans down and
  3578. eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
  3579.  
  3580. DONKEY
  3581. All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
  3582. here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
  3583. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
  3584. the edge!
  3585.  
  3586. The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
  3587. and falls to the ground.
  3588.  
  3589. DONKEY
  3590. Celebrity marriages. They never last,
  3591. do they?
  3592.  
  3593. The congregation cheers.
  3594.  
  3595. DONKEY
  3596. Go ahead, Shrek.
  3597.  
  3598. SHREK
  3599. Uh, Fiona?
  3600.  
  3601. FIONA
  3602. Yes, Shrek?
  3603.  
  3604. SHREK
  3605. I - - I love you.
  3606.  
  3607. FIONA
  3608. Really?
  3609.  
  3610. SHREK
  3611. Really, really.
  3612.  
  3613. FIONA
  3614. (smiles) I love you too.
  3615.  
  3616. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
  3617. 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
  3618.  
  3619.  
  3620. CONGREGATION
  3621. Aawww!
  3622.  
  3623. Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
  3624. up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
  3625. her.
  3626.  
  3627. WHISPERS
  3628. "Until you find true love's first kiss
  3629. and then take love's true form. Take
  3630. love's true form. Take love's true form."
  3631.  
  3632.  
  3633. Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
  3634. and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
  3635.  
  3636. SHREK
  3637. (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
  3638. you all right?
  3639.  
  3640. FIONA
  3641. (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
  3642. yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
  3643. to be beautiful.
  3644.  
  3645. SHREK
  3646. But you ARE beautiful.
  3647.  
  3648. They smile at each other.
  3649.  
  3650. DONKEY
  3651. (chuckles) I was hoping this would be
  3652. a happy ending.
  3653.  
  3654. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
  3655.  
  3656. THE SWAMP
  3657.  
  3658. ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
  3659. a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
  3660. and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
  3661. carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
  3662. which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
  3663. up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
  3664. instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
  3665. has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
  3666. walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
  3667. singing the song.
  3668.  
  3669. GINGERBREAD MAN
  3670. God bless us, every one.
  3671.  
  3672. DONKEY
  3673. (as he's done singing and we fade to
  3674. black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
  3675. breathe. I can't breathe.
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