Fall From Grace (ch3)

EARLY RELEASE FOR ALL MY PATRONS1

I'm so glad people seemed to enjoy the first 2 chapters! I wasn't too confident in this story, so it was very reassuring!

Picking up right where we left off.

Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.

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						Chapter 3. The Time In Between

It all feels like a nightmare, as if Claudine is watching some horrible scene from outside of her own body. Her senses are numbed to the point where she can only hear the muffled sounds of the people all around her. Everything is drowned out by the rushing of the blood in her ears and the drumming of her heart.

One moment, she's there beside Maya, clutching her hand and sobbing her name.

And the next, someone has moved her away and eased her down into one of the now-empty audience seats.

In only a few brief minutes, emergency personnel had surrounded Maya, lain her onto a gurney, and taken her away.

And now she's gone.

Claudine hadn't even had the strength or sense to try following after her. She'd just sat there, trembling and sobbing in the darkness for what felt like an eternity. Everything was swirling, freezing and burning at the same time. It all had to be a horrible dream…

But when the lights finally flash back on, flooding the empty auditorium in blinding reality, the truth becomes clear.

The audience is gone, having been filed out by security to make a path for the paramedics. The play Claudine and her friends had worked so tirelessly on had been canceled due to the emergency, and now the lonely stage stares back at her, all of the props and set pieces gone to waste.

The sounds of hissing rain continue beating down all around her, and the whimpers coming from her lips echo out around the room.

She waits. Begging. Praying.

But the nightmare doesn't end. None of it goes away. It all remains, cruel and quiet around her, forcing the truth to pierce even deeper into her heart.

"M… Maya…"

She can barely even speak before she crumbles back down into her lap.

She should have gone with her. She should have pleaded and demanded they let her come until they'd had no choice but to bring her along. But the guilt and knowledge that this was her fault had prevented Claudine from trying - from feeling worthy enough of going with Maya. Whatever had happened to her - whatever was wrong - was Claudine's fault…

"Saijou-san!"

"Kuro-chan!"

"Kuroko!"

Suddenly, familiar voices are calling out for her. When Claudine lifts her tearstained face from her knees, she can see them all running from behind the stage curtains. They're all still dressed in their costumes, further driving in the fact that all of this had only happened mere moments ago in the middle of their performance, even though to Claudine it already feels years away.

All seven of her friends hurry down the steps of the stage and rush to where she is curled up in the front row of seats. Nana is at the lead, and when she reaches Claudine first, she drops to her knees and throws both arms around her tightly.

"Oh, thank goodness!" she cries. "We couldn't find you, Kuro-chan! We'd thought you'd gotten hurt, too!" Nana breaks down then and there, and when Claudine manages to look up from the embrace, all the rest of them are in tears as well.

Karen keeps wobbling between clinging onto Mahiru or Hikari, who are both also continuously wiping their eyes. Futaba is trying her best to act tough, but she breaks down before long, leaving Kaoruko to try and hold them both up on their feet. Junna has removed her glasses entirely so she can wipe her eyes repeatedly.

All of them had been worried that Claudine had been injured too, but seeing now that she wasn't has removed a weight from their shoulders.

A long moment passes where all eight girls try to get their bearings and overcome all the sniffling and sobbing.

By this point, Claudine can't cry anymore. There are no tears left for her to shed, even though she knows her body wants to keep going. Slowly, she lifts her face from out of Nana's shoulder, still clinging shakily to her back as she glances around her classmates with watery eyes.

Some part of her hopes they might smile and tell her it really had all been a dream, that Maya herself will walk out from backstage and join them.

But it never happens.

What must be one of the final rolls of thunder booms softly, drawing everyone's attention back to reality once again. By now, Nana has stopped crying long enough to ease herself back and look up into Claudine's eyes.

"Kuro-chan… I hate to ask… to make you talk about it, but… what happened…?"

The rest cling to one another, the same gnawing questions swirling in all of their eyes.

Claudine trembles, balling her hands into fists on her lap as she tries to inhale as best she can. She tries to speak, but her voice gets lodged in the back of her throat, as if she's being choked by some invisible stone; the shape may not be there, but the weight certainly is. Not even Nana placing her hands on hers and giving a squeeze helps that much.

What comes from Claudine's lips is nothing more than a broken whimper, and suddenly her eyes have found more tears to produce. She bites her lip, her face scrunching up under the weight of her grief and guilt. She bows her head and tries to gasp for breath a few times.

Her friends feel her agony as if it's their own, and all around her more tears begin to fall. After a long, long moment, Claudine finally manages a whisper.

"She fell…"

Even just those two tiny words bring an ocean of things crashing back down on her. She watches it happen in her mind all over again, watches the lights go out and the blackness take hold. She feels Maya's weight against hers, shifting and slipping. She hears her cry out.

She feels the same suffocating terror all over again, to the point where her breath gets caught in her chest. If not for Nana pulling her close again, Claudine feels she would've fractured into pieces.

Even though she'd only spoken two words, it had been enough to confirm her friends' worst fears. Their expressions all turn glum and dismayed. Even Kaoruko gasps and covers her mouth as if she might be ill.

"I can't believe it…" she mutters. "Tendo-han..."

Claudine can't help but think they're all glaring at her, blaming her. She almost wishes they were, but of course they aren't. She just blames herself enough for all of them put together.

"It was my fault-" she chokes. "I pushed her-"

"Oy!"

"Non-non!"

"That's not true!"

All of them immediately jump in to contradict her, including Nana who sits back to look into her eyes, to let Claudine know she's serious.

"Kuro-chan," Nana shakes her head. "Don't you dare blame yourself for this, okay?"

"She's right," Junna says, her expression now very stern. "It was an accident."

"Th-That's right!" Karen blurts out. Still clinging to her roommates, she has to clear her throat several times before she can say any more. "Kuro-chan, th-this isn't your fault! You guys rehearsed that scene a million times and you both knew what you were doing!"

"You did exactly what you were supposed to," Hikari says softly. "You were supposed to knock her back at that scene. The storm… it was just bad timing."

"You didn't do this on purpose!" Mahiru wails. "W-We all know that! And I'm sure Tendo-san knows it, too!"

"It wasn't your fault the lights went out," Futaba reminds her. "That wasn't under anyone's control." Beside her, Kaoruko stands up as straight and tall as she can manage.

"Honestly, Kuro-han," she sniffles. "Do you think Tendo-han would be very happy right now if she knew you were blaming yourself for all of this?"

Somehow, their words of what's meant to be reassurance have no affect on Claudine. They're like tiny droplets of light spread across a sea of doubt and darkness where she's chosen to drown herself.

Only the mention of Maya's name sparks any kind of movement within her. She finds she can't bring herself to look up at any of them, especially not Nana with her compelling honesty. Claudine just stares at her knees.

"Where is she…?"

Of course she knows, but she wants them to talk about something else other than the part Claudine played in this.

"They took her to Taiyou Medical Centre," Junna explains. "Sakuragi-sensei went with them. Until further notice, the play is postponed and classes on Monday are canceled."

The words reach Claudine, but it's almost as though they don't make any sense. She more or less forgets their meaning as a sudden surge of emotion swells up within her chest. Five broken little words fall from her lips, so miserable and laden with anguish that it breaks all of their hearts at once.

"I want to see her…"

Claudine curls back in on herself and weeps, and all of her friends can't stop their own tears from coming on again. It's a different kind of guilt they're feeling - the guilt that they know how desperately Claudine wants to be with Maya right now, and the harsh knowledge that she just can't.

And Claudine knows she's only making the rest of them even more upset, but she just can't find the words, means, or desire to try and compose herself.

She cries louder, shakes harder, and grieves more deeply than the rest of them combined. This awful pain churns at her insides and pulls things in the wrong directions. Her throat is so dry and scratched it feels like it might start to bleed. Her lungs feel as though they aren't functioning properly, and her entire chest pounds with the agony of her heart. Her nose is burning, her eyes are stinging, and her jaw aches as though there is some kind of sharp rock stuck beneath her tongue.

This guilt of blaming herself for it all…

This terror of watching it transpire and not knowing what's happened to her now…

This gripping uncertainty about what news tomorrow could bring…

This sheer, absolute dread…

She really feels sick. She really wishes there were something in her stomach she could retch out in hopes of expelling all of the other awful things.

But everything stays just as it is inside of her - a gnarled, heavy, hollow mess.

It feels like hours before the group of them finally manage to help Claudine to her feet. Junna and Nana support her from either side, and the others stick close as they slowly make their way backstage together.

There are still a few other students from Class B lingering, chatting quietly or texting on their phones. A few teachers are walking around helping the students and escorting them back to the dorms if necessary.

Claudine had watched or read a hundred movies or books with this kind of accident, where someone was injured and taken away from those closest to them.

But the episode or chapter always ended there, and the next scene would start out at the hospital a day later.

But this cruel reality gives no such privileges.

No one ever talked about the time in between; that horrible silence that filled every room, that immovable sense of dread at being unable to fast-forward through time.

Claudine still has to change out of her costume and put her uniform back on as if it's normal.

She still has to follow her friends into the communal restrooms and wash off her face.

She still has to limp all the way to the dorms with them, refuse their offers of supper or snacks, and somehow make it down the hall, all while constantly bearing the weight of her crimes.

It never skips ahead to the next morning, or to the next scene when she can be with Maya again.

Nana and Junna walk back to her dorm with her so she can fetch her nightgown, and Claudine is glad they hadn't let her go alone. If she had, she'd surely have collapsed to the floor in seconds and not found the strength to get back up again.

Her friends change into their sleepwear and then retreat back to the lounge area with her.

And every time she opens her eyes, Claudine is still here.

It must be past midnight by now, but none of them have gone back to their respective rooms for the night. They've all elected to stay here together, making sure everyone is drinking water or trying to rest.

They're snared in the awkward stalemate of trying to make conversation, but no one can come up with a good topic that lasts for longer than a few minutes. It all just dies down and fades, leading them back into this reality.

Claudine hardly moves from her spot on one of the couches. It's where she always sits, and Maya is always next to her. But tonight, she isn't.

And though her friends religiously try to distract her and keep her mind off of thoughts of tonight's events, Claudine never stops thinking about it.

Eventually, Karen, Hikari and Mahiru doze off together on the floor. Junna covers them with a few blankets as Nana coaxes Claudine to her feet and brings her to the restroom. Claudine enters by herself and sits on the floor by the toilet for a long time, trying to cough up the wretchedness in her stomach, but it never comes.

By the time she's washed herself off and Nana brings her back to the lounge, Futaba and Kaoruko have fallen asleep on their loveseat.

Junna and Nana offer to let Claudine sit beside them on their little couch, but she declines. She knows they want to stay awake to ensure she gets some sleep, but Claudine outlasts them both.

By the time all of her friends are asleep it's around 2AM.

Claudine turns off the main lights, jolting at the flash of memory it brings up from the power-outage. She shakes herself off and stumbles back to her couch.

At first, she curls up on her own side of the cushions, but before long she finds she can't stop herself from laying down where Maya should be.

Now, she's almost become desensitized to how the memories will play out every time she closes her eyes.

But somehow it still hurts. This guilt.

If not for her friends surrounding her, Claudine isn't sure where she would be right now.

She hadn't told them about what had happened after Maya had fallen, how Claudine had tried to help her up and had caused her even more pain. That, above all else, is still eating away at her little by little.

Even if she can forgive herself for making her fall due to it being part of the play, she could never forgive herself for her stupidity in touching someone who was clearly injured.

She can still hear Maya's feeble cry of pain.

Claudine clutches her chest, where her heart feels like it's going to burst through.

What if she'd made it worse? What if Maya's fall off the stage had been manageable, but Claudine's interference had made it irreversible?

These thoughts and images haunt her all night long. She doesn't sleep, but rather exhausts herself to the point of unconsciousness, until some inevitable nightmare has her waking again in a dizzying panic.

For hours on end, she wishes it would all just fast-forward.

But the night takes its time with her, making her suffer every second for as long as possible.

And Claudine can't help but feel she deserves it.

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A/N: One of my biggest quips about anime/manga/any media is when a huge scene happens like a character gets hurt or collapses, and then they always skip to 'the next day.' They skip all of the moments of some of the rawest emotion possible. So I didn't do that. I tried to capture a fraction of that feeling of what happens after the tragedy, the things you still have to do to get through the night.