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- So I was reading stories to my nieces today and it put me in a funny mood for writing.
- Once there was a green faced man called Anon who lived in a town full of ponies.
- He had friends and a home and fun adventures.
- But he had one problem, he had no money.
- Because the green faced man had no job.
- "GOD FUCKING DAMN IT." yelled the green faced man when he discovered he was out of food.
- And so he resolved to get a job.
- He first went to the mayor and asked for job.
- "Certainly Anon, I can always use help with paperwork. You start by signing off on those papers there."
- So the green faced man sat at his desk with a smile.
- "Bit low tech, but can't be that hard." he said as he picked up the quill and began to write.
- But it was hard, the ink ran and flowed and the paper became a blotchy mess.
- "Oh dear" said the mayor looking over his shoulder.
- "I didn't realize how hard it might be for you to write with those waggling wigglers. Maybe you should try another job."
- So Anon left the building grumbling at his misfortune.
- "Stupid ponies, fucking primitive, invent a god damn ballpoint."
- Next he went to the Apple Farm and asked for a job.
- "Well sure Anon, y'all look pretty strong. Why don't you try bucking those trees."
- So Anon kicked the tree. And nothing happened.
- "Need to do it a mite harder Anon."
- So the green faced man kicked the tree again. And it shook.
- "Come on Anon, it's a tree. Don't be holding back."
- So he kicked the tree as hard as could. There was crack and apples rained down.
- "OH GOD! FUCK! MY FOOT!"
- Cried Anon as bark gave way and his foot lodged deep in the trees trunk, splinters pricking at this ankle
- "I er, I think I'll go get Nurse Redheart. Ya'll stay here."
- "FUCK!"
- "Eeyup" Said a large red pony.
- The green man left hospital that day to continue his search for a job.
- Baking he thought. It's safe and I know I can fucking do that. He thought to himself.
- So he went to Sugarcube Corner.
- "Sure you can work here Nonny, OOOOOOH Why don't you bake a human cake!"
- So Anon went to work. He whisked the eggs, sliced the butter, did flour things with flour.
- And then he added the sugar.
- "Nonny, why are you not putting any sugar in?"
- "But I am Ponk. See?"
- The green faced man held up a small cup, a quarter full of sugar.
- "You call that adding sugar!?"
- "Well how much would you add?"
- The pink pony hefted up a huge sack of sugar.
- "Ponk, that much sugar would kill me, or make me american."
- The pony scrunched her snozzle so hard that even lemons thought, Dayum that's sour.
- "We don't take kindly to your type round here."
- And so the green faced man was fired.
- "Stupid ponies, immune to diabeetus, grumble grumble" He muttered.
- So Anon went to the pony called rainbow dash.
- "I don't know about this Anon, you can't fly."
- "But I can shoot the clouds down with some sort of gun."
- "What's a gu-on?"
- The green faced man grew still, the world faded from his conscious.
- Vision of firearms flashed before his eyes, ak-47s, M16s, BFGs and Strogg getting gibbed.
- Three weeks later the ponies found him in the Everfree Forest.
- And he was muttering about charlie and killing fitty men
- "Anon, what is a fitty" said a purple pony
- "God damn gooks, controlling weather, tinfoil keeps out the mind rays" He muttered
- "Hey Anon, why are you lying in the middle of the street?"
- The green man in a suit ceased staring into nothing.
- "Because I've no job and I've lost control of my life." He muttered
- "Job troubles eh?"
- The goggle wearing pony sat down next to the green man.
- "You ever try your hoof spiders at music?"
- The faceless man's green face creased in thought, I did play guitar. He thought.
- But Anon was still doubtful, human baking hadn't gone well.
- However he had nothing to lose, so he said "Worth a shot."
- "Cool, you can open for me tonight."
- Anon's face turned a paler shade of green.
- "You what mate?" He whispered but the DJ pony had already gone.
- The green stood behind the mix desk. A crowd of ponies before him.
- He would not be playing guitar
- For one he could not afford it, also it wasn't that kind of gig.
- "Ok Anon, it's playing discs. An idiot could do this." He muttered to himself.
- He picked up a disc but couldn't decipher the pony runes on the cover.
- "Twilight must never know." He mumbled
- Here we go, he thought as he placed the disc on the turntable.
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMYsyDMMJBs
- The green man surveyed that crowd as they duly obeyed the lyrics.
- "So many asses, what have I done." He whispered unable cease staring at the spectacle before him.
- "Anon?" said the goggle wearing pony behind him.
- "Nice job on getting the crowd going but maybe next time, don't use music from my private collection. Those are for special Pinkie Parties."
- Next time? Thought the green faced man.
- "You mean I'm not fired?!"
- "Not this time. Now why don't you take a break so I can fix this before Ponice show up."
- "I have a job." Grinned Anon as he left the stage.
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