Advice Anon (one shit)

>You be Anon
>Been in Poneville for a while, found out quickly upon arrival that these creatures are not very good at something called, "Logic."
>One time, you went along with Princess Starbutt and friends for, "and Adventure of a Lifetime!"
>Said adventure mostly consisted of sitting on a train.
>And sitting in a room, waiting for Princess face to get out of some important conference.
>And more sitting, but at least this one was entertaining.
>You got to see zebras fight to the death for entertainment, which was breddy gud.
>After that, though, you went straight to the hotel room.
>You had no idea that small colorful equines were capable of making liquor that could knock you on your ass with one nice, long chug.
>Trying some in the middle of watching a bloody, desperate fight was not a good idea.
>"You're not gonna be coming along with us on trips for a while, Anon."
>After that ordeal, you went back to living your shitty life and wishing that these ponies had some common sense.
>The three snack-sized ones kept crashing through your window every morning when you woke up.
>Nobody gave two shits.
>Then, bright idea comes around.
>One day, you set up a stand that says: "Advice for all of your problems: 5 cents"
>First hoers to pass by is none other than Rarara
>"Darling, what's a 'cents?'"
"Umm, It's a form of currency. Most notably known by the fact that they are usually in coin form."
>"..."
"You don't know what fucking money is?"
>"Oh, money! Darling, I don't know what they used where you came from, but we use Bits here."
>Bits
>Bits
>BITS
>What the fuck kinda name is that for a form of currency?
"What the fuck are bits?"
>"It's the money that we use here in Equestria, darling. They look like this."
>She pulls out a gold coin from... where?
>Holy shit they use gold coins
>When you go back to Earth, you're gonna be rich!
>But you have to earn the money first.
"Okay, thanks for the help. I'll get to changing the sign."
>Go back inside your house, which smells like death itself.
"Where the fuck did I put that marker and shit..."
>After a half an hour of searching, you find the last giant post-it note and marker.
"Thank god."
>You scrawl out "Professional Help and Advice, "
"Fuck, I should have asked how much a bit is worth. Fuck it."
>"Professional Help and Advice, 5 bits per problem"
>Under that, you add, "Dr. Anon, PhD"
>Fucking Genius.
>Go back outside and plaster the paper onto the table you're using as a desk.
"Now, we wait."
>evilgrin.jpg

>"Wow, help and advice for 5 bits! I need that!"
>Random pone walks up to you
>"H-h-h... Hello, sir. I would like some help and advice."
"Bits first. Then we talk."
>You point to a small jar that you have sitting on the table.
>"Uhm-uh.. okay."
>He digs up a few coins.
>rattlerattlerattle.mp3
>Ahh, the sweet sound of money.
>The guy even sounds like a betafag, though.
>The kind that does nothing but watch Pokémon all day.
"Okay, what do you need help with?"
>He sits on the ground in front of you with a nervous grimace
>He's not talking
>This isn't good.
>"Sir, I need help. I'm going to have to do the ritual sooner or later, as I'm done with school and almost ready for a job. But I'm really nervous about it. My dad is-"
"Wait, what ritual?"
>"You don't know about the ritual? Did you even have a foalhood?"
>ohshit.jpg
"Let me get one thing clear with you. I do not come from here. To be honest with you, I didn't even know what bits were until 5 minutes ago. I've clearly still got some things to learn. So if you could please explain the whole 'ritual' thing to me, that would be perfect. Then I can help you."
>He looks like he's about to burst into a big, long, fast explanation.
>"To put it simply, the stallion ritual is a tradition that's been going on for a long time. It's used as a way to prove that a colt has really grown up."
>So far, so good.
>"To do the ritual, colts have to challenge their dad in combat, defeat him, and then... umm..."
>You wonder what he's so nervous about with the second part.
>Until he says it.
>"mount... their... mom... and..."
"You don't need to finish that sentence."
>So incest is a tradition in this place.
>Fucking Wow. That's some nightmare fuel for days.
"And you ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY have to do it?"
>"Yes. If I want to have any semblance of normalcy in this world, anyway."
>You hold your head in your hands.
>What
>the
>fuck
>is
>up
>with
>these
>small
>colorful
>equines?