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- >Oh Eddie! Come here look what I found
- Now Richie. What have I told you.
- >You said 'When I tell you to see something it has to be boobs or beer'.
- And what did I say if it wasn't?
- >You would slap me in the face and... oh
- So what did you want to show me, Richie?
- >Ah, well, you see. I, heh, found a small colourful equine.
- [SMACK]
- Bastard.
- Well enough merriment, what are these colourful homo horses you found?
- >Well Eddie, it turns out they're sentient, talkative ponies.
- Question.
- >Yes?
- Why should I care?
- >You sad deflated pile of foreskin smegma. Do you know what this means? I, Richard Richard, have discovered alien life! A new civilization! I'm like Captain Kirk! Which means I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do-oo-oo it!
- With horses?
- >Well they're talking horses.
- So like Sarah Jessica Parker, only instead of smacking you in the face, they'll buck you in the bollocks.
- >Not necessarily Eddy. There's this very timid one, pastel yellow and pink mane. She's shy, she's nervous and completely socially retarded.
- I didn't know there existed pony versions of you, Richie.
- >Well I'm not the only one! There's one who's an alcoholic waste of life that'll never amount to anything because she's completely pissed* every day and night! Sound familiar?
- How in the bloody Hell did my mother get back from the dead and into a pony body? You'd think joining the cult of the Twisted Knee would've damned her for all eternity.
- >Your mother was in a cult? I never knew that. What was it about?
- Well, first of: you had to go through a hazing ritual.
- >I went through a hazing ritual at the YMCA once. All the burly men kept slapping my arse with their wet towels when I walked by. I assume there were no paddles that day, but it stung nonetheless.
- Your first gay experience aside, Richie, the hazing ritual included getting beat over the knees with truncheons for a full half hour and then dragged off into a small confined, concrete room with a cot and bars.
- >Eddie, your mother was in jail. The Hammersmith police are notorious knee-breakers, that's why they racketeer all the shops in the area.
- No, no, it was a cult. It's just that all the cultists, my mother excluded, were policemen.
- >Eddie, this is not white American suburbia in the 80s where everyone plays Satanic Dungeons and Dragons. Your mother was just beaten by pigs and thrown in a jail cell.
- No, mate, if she were beaten by pigs, she'd know. She spent the 70s in some... less than reputable movies.
- >That was your mother?! I just thought it was a shaved gorilla those vile Texans got from a local zoo. Though it would explain why they were so willing to have sex with it. Since it was a woman, only barely, it still wouldn't count as beastiality.
- Actually, Richie, beastiality is complete legal in Texas. In fact, there is no law stating you can dip your knob in whatever different species of squish-mitten you find.
- >[excited giggling]That means... That means...
- That's right, Richie. If you take that autistic little pony you found to Texas, you'll not be a sad, pathetic, repugnant, demented virgin anymore. Instead, you'll be a sad, pathetic, repugnant, demented horsefucker.
- >But it still counts as me losing my virginity though, doesn't it?
- Yes, indeedy-do. You just need to make sure you put your quarter-of-an-incher inside her folds and orgasmed.
- >This is it. It's finally happening! I'll no longer be a virgin!
- Sadly the brain-damage will stay forever. Well Richie, I'm glad we managed to find a small, defenseless, weak, easily-dominated critter for you to stick you dick into, but I'm tired and I'm going to get drunk. Don't call me, I won't call you. [exists, stage-right]
- [crowd applauds]
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxcnH4bVE30&list=TLnNBk6L0BOiI [Embed]
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