The Truth of My Life

Hello guys,
			I'm Brandon (or known as "Stormy", "StormyMode" in the virtual world). I've got something to tell you. Unfortunately it's not good news. Rather monotone and grey news indeed. It's been upsetting to deciding that I need to compile this together - but I believe it's time to share this. Most of you will casually insult me, laugh at depression/suicide, segregate me or just hate me in general. This was designed to help you on a bit of insight into why my life is how poor and depressing - This will probably take half-an-hour of my time, but at least helps you to grab a basic idea of what I'm going through in five minutes.

There's been a drastic change in my personality in the last few months as well as the content I cover on my YouTube channel. For the friends and people who play along with me when I'm playing on either the console or PC platform (usually PC) you've noticed I've been secretive, holding back and weird lately. Or just being a plane, basic a-hole instead. In my heart - well I don't think I really have one anymore. Anyway, in my heart - I feel rotten on the inside, horrible and whenever I've done something hurtful my chest will actually ache momentarily (I do not have problems in my chest.. I've had tests). However, when I'm in a certain mindset and mood - I could do anything and my mind wouldn't actually give a fu*k about what I've done.. But my heart will ache (which sounds weird but okay).

I'm just your average teenager right? Single, pop/charts music listener, gamer but also a YouTuber. I'm what they call "The King of Positive Vibes", sarcasm and of course the asshole of the entire Internet and IRL obviously. I suffer with the long-term effects of a traumatic incident - at the moment the effects have been depression (perm), PTSD and social anxiety (perm) along with suicidal thoughts.

As a child, my real-father beat me to a near-death state at least three-to-five times a week (literally). This is where a two year old is bleeding so much and can barely even stand - dazed, confused, broken and damaged (mentally and physically - seriously why me?). Covered in scars and bruises for most of my childhood (Yet again mostly mentally in present time but was physically too). Whenever I had enough of the beatings, my mother would be the next victim - in beatings, sexual assault and harassment (not to forget rape). However, now I'm into hiding from my real-father. I've been kept away for a 'successful' thirteen years now. Until that is recently, he found a way back into my thoughts and life somehow (I say into my thoughts - but he's always been involved. He's caused these mental problems) - he sent death threat birthday cards to my college with a signature at the bottom literally signed "Your REAL Dad" with actual emphasis on 'real'.

However, throughout most of my teenage years I've been suffering with PTSD, depression, social anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Which mostly started very faintly when I was about nine years old. Up into present time when I'm almost seventeen now. Not many people know this about me really - only my parents and a few other people - that's it. I'm always alone. I'm always depressed. In fact - I've become so lonely that instead of your average "I'm going to cut myself" thought process - I literally drink shots of bleach and burn my insides out after a short while of drinking it. A lot worse than cutting, trust me. (Eight ounces is considered deadly - yet it's toxic anyway. Just think about that for a brief moment).

I used to believe that perhaps a girlfriend will help me improve my personal mental state - maybe take my mind of things and help to forget (I never want to think about my past. It's called the past for a reason. It's a bit difficult with PTSD!). And for friends? Well - they're usually backstabbing and not actually there when I need them (not really good friends I suppose) - So I don't want more friends (Thanks, but no thanks).

Do not tell me to look towards my future, have hope, try harder at this, try and forget your past or think positive thoughts. I'm not here thinking "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!" because that's quite obvious I've tried - it's common sense. Obviously it hasn't worked and there's a reasonable explanation for those different things for example due to my mental state and problems. Also, if I overreact to the little things then when I'm calm you decide to say "Try not to overreact on the little things". Yet again - same instance. I've tried. Don't judge me. My mental state and problems are yet again stopping this. I would literally be over-the-moon to be a kind, nice and gentle lick-a*s for you all! But unfortunately, I can't. I'm depressed. Depression doesn't work like that and it isn't to be taken lightly. [P.S: I've seen professionals, I've tried. Don't ask.. - I'm literally exhaused and tired with humanity that I've even planned my own death. That includes the tools ready - in a safe in my house - as well as the time/date planned for if when the day arrives I'm still feeling like this].

(WARNING NERD-LANGUAGE AND DISCUSSION):
Finally, I've recently been trying to code. Not been working out well lately. But I'm getting there. I'm at least doing something useful with my head rather than bashing it with a rock for example. I don't expect hate for working on outdated sources of code and content. If I wanted regret I would do some unspeakable things.. However in this instance, why is the community excusing me of 'spitting on their work'? Am I getting your source-code on my monitor and your community logo - and then spitting on it for hours on end? No:

Reason one: I'm too lazy to do that, do you think I'm going to adjust my monitor perfectly to do that? Seriously?
Reason two: Grow up? I'm not going to get orgasmic over a piece of code that works. Exciting when something rights right?! I've experienced it myself. But don't take it out on a sadistic, suicidal and depressed individual like myself? It needs to be said. I'm sorry - but it's true.

(I'm not going to directly mention the community name because you'd probably argue to me about ruining your reputation - even though I'm next to fu*k-all on the popularity meter.)

P.S: Thank you to one person who at least cares even mutually. (@Amadornes)
Goodbye, I guess.

-Brandon
(Stormy)