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- “So, Filly…got the gas?”
- >”We got gas.”
- “Got the booze?”
- >”We got booze.”
- “Got the ordinance?”
- >Fillydelphian thumbs back behind the pair, to boxes full of shells of all shapes and sizes.
- >”You better believe it.”
- >MisterElGuapo and Fillydelphian. Two writefags from a shitty series of threads on a shitty 4chan board about a shitty show with shitty cartoon ponies.
- >Today, they have a new toy.
- >It has a Honeywell AGT 1500C multi-fuel turbine engine, capable of 1,500 horsepower with 2,750 lb-ft of torque.
- >Atop it sits a 120 millimeter L44 M256 smoothbore cannon.
- >It also has a .50 caliber M2HB heavy machine gun and two 7.62 millimeter M240 machine guns.
- >It uses an Allison DDA X-1100-3B transmission on a torsion bar suspension.
- >It is one of the finest symbols of American might ever to grace the Earth.
- >It is the M1A1 Abrams Main Battle Tank.
- >And today, these two bring it…to P0nyville.
- >For they are…
- >THE TANKLOIDS!
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YA4P1A3jtu0
- “WOOOOOOOOOO!”
- >”TANKLOOIIIIIIIIIIIIDS!”
- “KICK THAT SHIT!”
- >”YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
- >Fillydelphian punches the throttle, and the Abrams speeds off down the hill, towards the town.
- >P0nies scream and dive out of the way as 67 tons of American steel might plow wherever it pleases.
- >The two inside the tank don’t notice.
- >NO! That would distract them from the drinking!
- >”GUAPO! LOAD THAT SHIT UP!”
- “FUCK YEAH!”
- >Guapo does indeed load that shit up.
- >In this case, that shit being a M830 HEAT anti-tank round.
- >”HURRY UP AND FIRE THAT SHIT!”
- >Guapo belches and crushes an empty beer can against his head as Filly spins the tank around randomly, bumping the controls as he reaches for a bottle of whiskey.
- “FUCK YEAH, MOTHEFUCKER!”
- >Guapo, as they say, fires that shit.
- >The explosive round impacts the side of Sugarcube Corner, sending the confectionary ablaze with explosive force, the occupants running and screaming.
- >While on fire.
- >PINKIE: “THE FUCK GUYS?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!”
- >”WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
- “TANKLOIIIIIIIIIIIIDS!”
- >The flag of the Tankloids, a giant middle finger, flutters in the wind and debris as the tank lurches back into motion.
- >Carnage follows our heroes wherever they go, swerving back and forth to crush every cart they find as they approach the market.
- >”LOOK, THEY’RE HAVING A SALE ON CHERRICHANGAS AND MINT SCHNAPPS!”
- “THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING!”
- >Filly turns, the tank’s treads chewing into the dirt as he takes aim at a certain apple cart.
- >Manned by a certain orange p0ny.
- >AJ: “AH NAW GUYS, NOT MAH APPLE CART!”
- >”HEY GUAPO!”
- “YEAH?”
- >”WHAT’S AJ YELLING?”
- “I THINK SHE SAID GO FASTER!”
- >Filly revs the tank engine as the metal beast flies forward.
- >AJ barely has time to duck out of the way as the tank comes to a rest on top of what was her family’s key to survival.
- >She can only look on incredulously as Guapo pokes his head out of the hatch, leaning over the side to shout down at her.
- “AY BABEE, YOU WANNA RIDE WITH THE TANKLOIDS?!”
- >”YEAAAAAAH! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!”
- >Filly throws a lever as the tank lurches up and down, bouncing on the ground thanks to its customized hydraulics system.
- >What few buildings are left in the immediate area shake themselves apart, sending hapless victims screaming in all directions.
- >Including Applejack.
- “PSSSH! WHATEVS.”
- >Guapo ducks back inside the metal monstrosity.
- “HEY FILLY!”
- >”WHAT?”
- “THERE’S A BOX BACK HERE, SAYS “DEPLETED URANIUM.”
- >…
- >”LOAD THAT SHIT!”
- >The Tankloids continue their wave of senseless, cartoonish destruction, plowing over everything in sight as the citizens of Equestria watch their world burn around them.
- “HEY FILLY! LOOK! IT’S CAROUSEL BOUTIQUE!”
- >”THAT’S GREAT! I NEEDED TO GO BY THERE TODAY!”
- >By “go by,” Filly means “Drive the tank into.”
- >Which is precisely what he does.
- >Rarity can only stand in shock, twitching as she comes face to face with over 30 meters of Made in USA firepower.
- >Filly scrambles out of the tank, carrying a pair of trousers as he walks up to Rarity, whose eyes are still locked on the Abrams.
- >”Rarity, I have a date coming up with the Mayor soon. Could you mend these pants for me?”
- >Rarity twitches.
- >”I’ll take that as a yes. Thanks a lot, dollface!”
- >Filly tosses the pants on the countertop as Guapo revs the engine.
- >After resuming his seat as the tank driver, the Abrams exits the store through the wall opposite where it entered.
- >The two bros empty a bottle of scotch as they go.
- >”You know, I think we forgot something.”
- “I think you’re right.”
- >Guapo finishes loading the depleted uranium round.
- >He spins the turret around.
- >And he, in scientific terms, fires that shit.
- >Carousel Boutique explodes in a massive fireball in the shape of a middle finger.
- >From across town, an Anondad rushes for safety, Scootaloo clutched tightly in his arms, as he looks up at the carnage.
- >SCOOTER: “DEPLETED URANIUM ROUNDS DON’T WORK LIKE THAT!”
- >FUCK YOUR REALITY SON!
- “WOOOOOOOOOO!”
- >”FUCK YEAH, TANKLOIIIIIIIIIIIIDS!”
- “TANKLOOOIIIIIIIIIIIDS!”
- >The Tankloids continue their epic quest as Guapo goes to load another round.
- “HEY FILLY! THIS BOX OF AMMO JUST SAYS ‘FUCK YOU’ ON IT!”
- >”WORKS FOR ME!”
- >Guapo does what any self-respecting aficionado of explosions and big guns would do.
- >That shit?
- >That’s right, he fucking loads it.
- >The tank rumbles to a stop as it stares down its biggest target yet.
- >The P0nyville library.
- >The Tankloids empty more bottle of booze into their mouths as Twilight Sparkle hugs her beloved tree home.
- >TWI: “PLEASE, NO…NOT THE LIBRARY!” she yells through streams of tears.
- >…
- >The tank does nothing.
- >Guapo and Filly climb out of the tank, sitting on top of the turret.
- “No, Twilight. We will not blow up your tree. “
- >The pair looks down as Dinky trots up, her eyes shining with youthful innocence, surrounded by the youth of P0nyville.
- >DINKY: “B…but why not, Tankloids?”
- >”That’s a very good question, Dinky. Did you know over five million acres a year are burned in the U.S. due to wildfires?”
- “That’s right. Trees are our most precious resource. They make the air we breathe, and are the keys to a brighter, healthier and even…greener tomorrow.”
- >DINKY: “NOW WE KNOW!”
- >Guapo and Filly look directly at the camera.
- “And knowing is half the battle!”
- >The children cheer as the Tankloids, and the tank, strike a pose.
- >TAAAAAAANNNNNK-LOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDSSSSSS
- >Cue fanfare.
- >The P0nyville Library explodes into flame for no apparent reason.
- >Why?
- >BECAUSE FUCK YOU, TANKLOIDS!
- -END-
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