Post-Climb

* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (I miss you.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (I miss you too.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (so uh)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (how are you)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (how have you been doing i didn't listen the last time you said)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (that was me being self-absorbed again)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (I'm doing about as well as can be expected.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (And nah. That was you being overwhelmed and me accidentally side-tracking us both.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (well)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i guess i was also going to ask what did you think of the faq i posted for myra)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (It was...tough to read.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (But good. And I think you edited it well.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (good, i didn't wildly miss the mark)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (And I don't know if it'll be less difficult for me to read later, when Mindblogger's well, but I'll try.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (/me hugs)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (Nah, you got the target just fine.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (It's just a difficult topic to discuss. Or think about.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i know)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (but)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (did it also help you understand me better)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (yes)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (so)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (that's what my theory of everything says about sburb)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (um)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (so that brings us to today)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (still haven't gotten out of bed for a week but at least now i'm not as photosensitive as i was the first few days)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (It'll get better. And you're getting better, too.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i want you to be there)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (and you're not)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (I wish I could be.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (would be exaggerating if i said the separation was worse than the climb itself but it's not helping, either)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (it'd be a lie if i said i haven't considered trying to convince the rest of the session that travelling to visit you is worth the cost)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (i don't think i could convince them of anything right now, though, and i'm not sure if that's good or bad)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (why?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i thought you said nobody else was interfering with you doing these things to mindblogger)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (They aren't. I don't think they're even paying enough attention to ask what it is I am doing.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (I just don't think I can give a convincing speech about anything right now, is all.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i hate everything)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i can't stop)
<epiele|online> [The phrasing should be familiar.]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (well, everything kinda really really sucks right now, so there's reason to hate it for sucking)
<stanzicApparati> [It is. You try to remember why it's familiar. Is it something Aelf said?]
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (not reason enough)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (usually i'm not 'life sucks and then you die')
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (So what's changed?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (climb, and also the fact that - that this time there are people i care about here and i am failing them)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (this -)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (being mired in self-hatred and apathy was what killed her)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i'm not going the same way)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i can't)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (I'm here with you, even if Paradox Space is being stupid and not letting us be side-by-side like we should be.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (it wouldn't be fair)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (why do i even still have a concept of fair after all these years)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (Fuck fair, Mareya got three damn sessions with her moirail.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (why do i even still wish it could be better because maybe if i stopped wishing i'd stop being let down)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (zeimah i should be dead right now at least a dozen times over)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i'm alive and i don't know why)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (that scares me)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i'm supposed to know so i can give lovely speeches about being spared for a purpose or something)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (but no)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (it's all random)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (or else it's because sburb just likes the stories i end up in better)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i don't know)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (a lot of those stories end with me terrified and at the end of my wits and wishing i could die for someone because then at least i'd know there was some meaning to my existence)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (I know I'm biased, but I like you alive and it'd be awful if you were dead.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (I don't know why either of us are still alive. But part of me hopes that maybe we can figure out a way for people to at least get the years-long break we had, without needing to make Deals every time.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (that)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (would be nice)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (please just tell me i'm not this way because sburb knows it can turn me into a story about the triumph of the human spirit only about every five seconds)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (you aren't)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (the game's an asshole and deserves to be set on fire, repeatedly, preferably with a lot of 'splosions on top of that, but you aren't this way because it knows it can make a story about the triumph of of the human spirit from you in five seconds)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (that's)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (not what i asked for)
<epiele|online> [You said that because you wanted to know if it was true, not because you wanted to know that Zeimah would say anything you wanted her to.]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : ('s still true, though)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (how do you know)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : ('cause I know you)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (and 'cause if I let myself indulge in conspiracy theories, I'd end up hypothesizing that if sburb did do that kind of shit, it probably wouldn't be turning out stories about triumph over adversity and how our spirits are unbreakable)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (...)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (you have a point)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (yeah, but a depressing one)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (why)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (why then)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (that's the question i can't answer)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (we've got lives that matter on the individual scale only because the game engineers terrible things that can only be prevented by the chosen one)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (chosen one doesn't show up, plunges entire country into thousand-year rule of darkness)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (that's right about where i am right now)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (/me hugs)
<stanzicApparati> [You wish, badly, that the two of you were still in the same session.]
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (hugs i guess)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i know it gets better i just don't know how to convince myself of that)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (i'm not sure how, either, and i wish i knew)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (but i'll still be here for you)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (thank you)
<epiele|online> [You're crying, and it's the kind of empty crying that feels like old book-fragments eaten away by alum sizing, but for all that it aches, the one thing it does assure you of is that you are not the only one who has ever hurt like this.]
<epiele|online> [And yet...]
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (knowing other people go through this)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (only makes it feel worse)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (i know)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i want it to happen to nobody)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i want it to never have to happen again)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (any of this)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (but sburb appears to have succeeded in convincing me i don't have enough power to actually change anything)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (so all i can do is cry for everyone who has ever existed)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (no, that's a great analogy, alum sizing making old books that are acidic and break down by themselves if exposed to any humidity ever)
<epiele|online> [Sweetie you started in the middle of a train of thought again.]
<stanzicApparati> [He'll work his way back around to the beginning if you give him long enough.]
<stanzicApparati> [...except that about half the way you cued him to the fact that he /needs/ to work his way back to the beginning is non-verbal or based on body language.]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (what's the analogy?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (You can preserve books by keeping them in airtight sealed chambers, or by sticking them in a room filled with ammonia so the acidic alum reacts and makes salts instead of eating the lignin.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (If you want to /read/ them, on the other hand - well, hands have oils and salts and water coming out of them from everywhere.)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (Knowledge /breaks/ /down/ if you - if you -)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (can't be used for anything but if you don't use it for anything it's useless either)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (then you may as well order books by the foot and have done with it)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (any wish I express to rest is counterproductive because what I know needs to be /used/ to keep other people alive)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (wait)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (no that doesn't seem right)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (uh)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (let me find a different analogy)
<epiele|online> [Cue the Final Jeopardy ditty.]
<epiele|online> [...]
<epiele|online> [Actually, on second thought, /don't/.]
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (can't think of anything)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (then again that might be part of what makes the aggrievance so hard to shake it's actively preventing me from thinking my way out)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (this is designed to force me to ask for help solving it, which will emphasize that any power to resist lies with the group and not with the individual)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (meanwhile individual incentives are manipulated to make individual defection towards sburb and away from resistance a highly positive experience)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (meanwhile any /group/ that tries to say 'fuck you sburb' gets rocks-fall-everyone-dies'd)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i hate everything)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (is there a way to find a happy medium between 'books fall apart from being used too much' and 'books are locked up so that no one can use them'?)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (or even a moderately disgruntled medium between the two?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (make a thousand of them)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (teach everyone everything)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (but i tried that already and it ended up with seer network in flames and no replacement evident and my last best friend's cracks showing to the point where he was the one who told me i couldn't be friends with him unless i was friends with nobody else)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (the other option is the book people from farenheit 451)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (but i'm pretty sure those represent loose replayers)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (library?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i run one but all the books are gone because everyone checked them out)
<stanzicApparati> [You're also struck by an urge to PM Alex and tell him that he's stupid, but that's not really relevant to the topic at hand and you don't want to side-track again.]
<epiele|online> [You mean, of course, CF.]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (can we print more books?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i mean i'm happy people like what i provide enough to complain when it's gone but)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (...not fast enough)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (can we employ really big people to go get the books back when they're due back, then?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (...)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i don't even know what i'm supposed to map that to)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (overdue fees for people who don't give the books back?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (no i mean what are we talking about)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i think we got lost in crypticland again)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (...crap, that wasn't supposed to happen, sorry)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (/me hugs)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (/me hugs)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (i think i was trying to talk about literal libraries and then accidentally cf metaphor)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (oh)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (well)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (you said part of the problem is people trying to cache refresh fifty billion times a second, right? is there a way to stop them from doing that?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i asked nicely)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (it's gone down to only about five hundred a second)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (which is an improvement)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (it is, yeah)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i'd say more but right now even so much as looking at code makes me go cross-eyed)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (kay)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (apparently i can't do anything to distract myself or feel better)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (can you do non-code things yet?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (well)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i can stare at the ceiling and feel sorry for myself)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (misery olympics aren't till next century, though)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : ('s early to start practicing for them)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (what else can you do?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (...not much else)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (please don't make me talk about it with anyone else i know you get it but)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (nah, you don't have to talk about it with anyone if you don't want to)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (and if someone else tries to make you talk about it, you get to bite them)
<worGra|Online> [Dane: There's a small flash of red gears, and then your next to him]
<worGra|Online> [You sit down, and apply hugs]
<epiele|online> [You fuss for just long enough that Dane can figure out you didn't /ask/ for these hugs and then curl up, silently, immobile.]
<worGra|Online> [You just sit there in silence, continuing the hugs]
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (this should be comforting but it isn't)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (why not?)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (because it's not you)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (i don't think either of them could do a convincing cosplay of me, though)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (and it wouldn't be the same even if they could)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (i know)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (still)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (i know)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (one of these days, someone will invent a way to send hugs through the internet, like food)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (and then we'll overload that app)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (ha)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (perhaps i'll see if anyone else on cf wants to bite)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (most of what you need is a way to translate pressure and temperature to a standardized format and then replicate it on the other end)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (nothing we can't already do)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (yeah)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (just nothing anyone's put together yet)
* epiele|online PMs "Zei" (but you're still not here)
<epiele|online> [Something breaks. You start crying.]
<epiele|online> [Again.]