AiE: Rustlecane Katrina

>Day 82 in Equestria
>Wake up in the morning, feeling not altogether dissimilar to P-Diddy
>Head downstairs, have some waffles and apple juice
>Spend an hour reading some books on Equestrian history Twilight lended you
>Another two hours watching "My Little Griffin" reruns, your current favorite show
>It's a pretty leisurely morning, and you're in a pretty good mood
>Nobody's attacked you so far
>No Fetish-shy or Applerape
>No telepathic contact from Discord, or any urges to free him
>Your jimmies are in a state of primal unrustling
>A little too unrustled
>The calm before the storm
>You're sure Rustlecane Katrina is about to hit
>It's time to visit town to see how shitty today is going to be

>On the path to town, down the road, you notice a few fillies playing
>One trips and does a face plant in the ground
>She doesn't sit back up...looks like she's in a bad way
>Her friend goes over to help her, and then comes charging down the road to you when she sees you
>"Anon, you've gotta help Cecelia, she's in pretty rough shape!"
>Your jimmie sense is tingling
>Still, you've never been one to refuse to help a pony, not after how hospitable they've been
Sure, what's wrong?
>You say, jogging along with her as she leads you back
>"She knocked herself out and didn't wake up!"
>The two of you get to Cecelia, and she isn't moving
>Things are going south pretty fast
>But not too south, since she stirrs as you arrive
>"Cecelia!" her friend yells when she moves. Her friend gets close to her
>Looks like Cecelia is whispering something in her ear
>"Anon, she wants to day something to you...her breathing is pretty light, and she doesn't think she's gonna make it"
>"She wants you to tell her family..."
>Her voice starts cracking, and tears fill her eyes
>"her last words..."
>At this point, she's bawling her eyes out
>Ladies and gentlemen, the 9th ward of your jimmies has been flooded by Rustlecane Katrina

>You tenderly lean your head in front of the filly's head
You're gonna be alright, Cecelia...what is it you want?
>"Anon..." she weakly says
>Damn, she definitely sounds weak by now
>"Tell my family..."
>She pauses and moves a bit
>Seems like she's drifting in and out of consciousness from the looks of her eyes
>"That..."
>She coughs, and continues

>"WE'RE NO STRANGERS TO LOVE! YOU KNOW THE RULES AND SO DO I!"
>You yank your head back and fall over
>Damn near pissed yourself from the surprise
>She stands up, laughing, and brohoofs her friend
>"L-O-L I TROLL JOO!" she laughs
Wait, what?
>"You butthurt Anon?"
What the fuck are you talking about? Your friend said you were about to die!
>"Haha, and you fell for le troll, you're such a moralfag!"
>Le
>Ladies and gentlemen, the French Quarter of your jimmies has been flooded by Rustlecane Katrina
>You were a channer, and hated Reddit back on Earth
Where did you fillies pick this up?
>"Implying anyone hasn't heard of Le Cafe Red-It!"
>Jimmie French Quarter-Destroyed; irrecoverable and all inhabitants dead
>This isn't going to be fun
What's "Cafe Red-It?"
>"Haha, you're a newfag Anon! Your a bigger fag than OP over here"
>She brohoofs her friend
>"It's down the road, between here and Ponyville, but you're a newfag and newfags aren't allowed, LOL!"
>She laughs and trots off
>You notice she has a trollface cutie mark
>You don't even understand how this is a thing
>You administer aid to your jimmies in the form of hard booze you keep in a flask at all times for just such emergencies

>You're traveling through another dimension at this point
>a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind
>A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of unoriginality
>That's a signpost up ahead:
>your next stop, the Reddit Zone
>You see it
>It's embossed on the front "Le Cafe Red-It"
>And it's an exact-fucking-copy of your house
>Seriously, an exact copy
>You check a hollowed out tree, and pull out a bottle of Applejack Daniels
>Down to your booze stashes, and exact copy
>You knock on the door forcefully
>Shuffling inside, sounds like things are getting moved around
>Footsteps
>Door opens, a white earth pony with a--
>Oh god
>He has the reddit logo as his cutie mark
>"Hey guys, Anon's here!"
>You start walking in, but are immediately pushed out
>"Stop, you've violated the law!"
What?
>"In order to get in, you must get on the floor and walk the dinosaur when you come in."
Why the fuck is that a thing?
>"Because it's so random and funny, Anon! Get with le times!"
>Le
>You swear, you must have been German in a previous life, because your rage burns with a passion now
>Still, know thine enemy.
>You decide to recon the building to better determine a final solution to this problem
>With a sigh, dive to the floor, stand up, and, well, walk the dinosaur into the room
>Walk The Dinosaur is even playing on the stereo

>Several hours later, you are in Twilight's library, perusing various tomes of herbalism
>The cafe was a center of faggotry
>It was exactly like Reddit back home, but somehow worse
>The memes hadn't changed at all
>Hell, you weren't even sure where this even came from
>But, you were away of one sing: The only solution would be to kill it with fire
>And, being something of an pyromaniac in your previous life, you know a thing or two about explosives
>Thankfully, Twilight and the gang are at Sugarcube Corner for a party, so you don't have to worry about any unnecessary questions
>She's probably write it off as "just another Anon thing" anyways
>So it's cool
>Eventually, you find the plants you need and their locations in the everfree, and set out to find them

>The next day, you're all set
>Standing in front of your basecamp, your home, you hold three homemade incendiary and two high-explosive grenades
>That cafe is going down
>One flaw in your plan, though: if you kill a pony, you'll have to deal with Celestia
>Despite how cancerous this is to her kingdom, you know she won't put up with harm to her subjects
>So plan B
>You get them over to your house, then blow up their party house
>Absolutely nothing can go wrong

>When you arrive at the cafe, you notice something is rather off about the ponies
>They have sick-looking growths in various places
>Concerned, you walk up to a group
What the heck happened to you guys?
>"This is the cancer that is killing Red-It."
>"Check em!" one says as it points to a double rainbow in the sky
>Another growth appears on it
>Looks like you're going to have to deal with bodies if you don't end this
>Plus, you don't know if the cancer will spread to the rest of ponyville if you don't end it now
Haha, newfags. You guys stole everything from my house!
>They're aghast
>"No we didn't Anon! This is all original content!"
>"Do not copy!'
No seriously guys,
>You point down the road
Walk down there, and find my house. This club is exactly like my house, a complete copy.
>"No it's not Anon."
Get your friends to come with you. Besides...it's got le memes all over it!
>You almost choke on your own bile as you say "le"
>"Really?!"
Of course! Take ALL your friends and check it out! You wouldn't want them to be newfags, would you?
>"Course not!"
>They round everyone up, and trot in a mass down the road

>You wait until everyone is out of sight
>You run inside and make sure nobody is hiding, and set to work
>You built this house, or at least the house this is a copy of, so you know your way around
>A charge on one support and a charge on another weak support at the base means it will collapse
>You tie strings to the pins to remotely detonate
>You toss in your incendiary grenades to start the cleansing fire
>When the fire is good and strong, you blow up the supports
>And down comes Parlia—
>The Cafe
>Remember remember
>The fifth of Novemb--
>Le cancer of the place
>It has reached such catastrophically high levels (Over 9,000!) that it seeps into the things around it
>You run like a black man who just stole something
>Once out of range of the cancer's effects, you stay observing it to make sure the building goes down
>Once you're sure you haven't started a fire to burn down the Everfree, you walk back to your house

>Dozens of ponies are unconscious on your lawn
>Shit
>Celestia's going to have some stern words with you if she finds out you killed some of her subjects
>That's not going to be fun
>At least she's a nonviolent ruler
>But wait, they're getting up!
>And...the cancer is gone!
>Looks like whatever you did cured them
>"Anon..." one stallion says as he rubs his eyes, "what just happened?"
It's better you don't know.
>The others get up, and walk towards you, looking for answers
>"Where am I?"
."I wanna go home!"
>"I haven't seen my mom in days..."
>Sigh
You were attracted to a very bad thing, guys
A center of unoriginality, a pit of despair where few ever crawl out
But it's okay guys, it's over. Follow that road, and you'll reach Ponyville
>They collectively nod, and trot down the road
>You're left to your shattered jimmies and, once again, your booze
>You've weathered Rustlecane Katrina