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- This was originally posted on semper.fi, and I think it was originally done by Brian J. Potter <potter@hpwss702.mayfield.hp.com> (if I'm wrong, please let me know!)
- #include <nonsense.h>
- #include <lies.h>
- #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
- #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
- #define say(x) lie(x)
- #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
- #define next_year soon
- #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
- void main()
- {
- if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
- {
- if (there_are_still_bugs)
- market(bugfix);
- if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
- raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
- }
- while (everyone_chats_about_new_version)
- {
- make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
- if (rumours_grow_wilder)
- make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
- if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
- {
- market_time=3Dripe;
- say("It will be ready in one month);
- order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
- order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
- order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
- vapourware=3DTRUE;
- break;
- }
- }
- switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
- {
- case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
- say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
- break;
- case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
- say("Yes it will work");
- ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
- pretend(there_is_no_problem);
- break;
- case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
- say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32"
- " bit architecture");
- inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
- inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
- "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
- inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
- get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
- break;
- case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
- say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
- register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
- when(time_is_ripe)
- {
- arrest(journalist);
- brainwash(journalist);
- when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
- {
- order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
- release (journalist);
- }
- }
- break;
- }
- while (vapourware)
- {
- introduction_date++; /* Delay */
- if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
- break;
- say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
- }
- release(beta_version)
- while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
- {
- bills_bank_account +=3D 150*megabucks;
- release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
- introduce(more_memory_requirements);
- if (customers_report_installation_problems)
- {
- say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
- if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
- {
- ignore(customer);
- order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy");
- }
- }
- if (there_is_another_company)
- {
- steal(their_ideas);
- accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
- hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
- wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
- buy_out(other_company);
- }
- }
- /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
- order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
- buy(nice_little_island);
- hire(harem);
- laugh_at(everyone,
- for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
- }
- void bugfix(void)
- {
- charge (a_lot_of_money)
- if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
- say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
- if (still_complaints)
- {
- ignore(customer);
- register(customer, big_Bill_book);
- /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
- }
- }
- Taken from Farokh's Humor Page.
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