Million Dollar Extreme OWS

The joke you made on Facebook, “they should get a job and occupy 99% of my balls,” is very funny. Your suspicion that 99% of the 99% are filthy art-school crust punx is spot-on and insightful. Sit back, relax, and crack open a cold one, because the hard work for today is over: you are cultured and in touch with youth: you made a handful of accurate observations about a current event on a social media site.

You are $100 per cent ready for a career in primetime television. Imagine seas of cool and subversive young people in their Affliction hoodies, poring over your tweets like a religious tome of alt. comedy. But don’t bust your load on that just yet, because MDE would like to hire you as a writer, so zip up those skinny jeans, dust off that ironic trenchcoat and “Slim-Nasty” facial hair, because it’s time to Rock ‘n’ Roll.

When you are ready to come back to reality and be a Human Being, remember that digital apathy is not a substitute for a tangible contribution to the world, and it doesn’t impress the jocks you went to high school with--the jocks you “friended” hoping that they’d see your status updates about going backpacking in Spain or moving to Portland or the semi-decent car you are leasing.

That might sound a little high and mighty. Don’t worry, we’re decrepit pieces of shit too. We’re babies sucking our thumbs, and we’re tied to the train tracks, just like you. We have ulcers and we eat junk food and we punch holes in walls because our girlfriends deliberately do twisted things to fuck our lives up. We’re not above reproach--maybe if there were any justice in The Universe, the three of us would be swinging from the gallows, our corpses desecrated with lipstick and women’s underwear. But God Damnit you are not going to kick dirt on these dumb, opium-smoking, face-painting, foam-at-the-mouth-Obama-cheerleading, gender-bending dreamers.

Nobody expects you to man-up enough to actually put the Xbox controller down and scrape together some dignity, but the least you could do is take your greasy, Cheeto-dust covered hands off the Samsung Galaxy Tab, and fall back with the “I’m-the-next-Stephen-Colbert-look-at-this-highly-charged-weapon-of-mass-laffs-I-just-unleashed” commentary, at least while people are camping in a freezing, shitty, New-York-shit-hole park, petitioning (partially on your behalf) the powers-that-be to exercise a modicum of compassion as they are reaming us all in the ass with a serrated Rambo knife.

If you’re morally OK with Big Pharma and The Life of 27 Tortures, you’re a degenerate; if you don’t believe that it’s happening to you Right Now, you’re slow; if you don’t care, or if you pretend to not care because your dipshit kounter-kulture friends made you socially afraid of honest expression, then the enemy has succeeded in making it all look like a pile of meaningless and impossible-to-untangle abstractions that don’t affect you, and you’re more of an idiot child than the “jocks” you still fantasize about digitally humiliating, three whole years after you graduated.

And if you think the right thing to do is sit on the sidelines and fire off smarmy witticisms from a safe, comfortable distance, you are a disgusting person on a level that is not even linguistically feasible. You deserve no pity, and it is a waking tragedy that you are still allowed to broadcast your cute little jibes and sneers through any electronic medium, before you start to take a hard look at the threadless.com-clad wreck of an adult male in the mirror and seriously rethink your “life”.

“Oh yea? Tyler Johns fingered a lot of girls senior year and threw pizza on my head at graduation? Well guess what, arsehole, I’m making bank ‘cus I know AutoCAD, I’m financing a BMW 3 Series, and my girlfriend is Asian. Check out my triple monitor setup; BenQ on Newegg is the best bang-for-the-buck. Winning. Time2Tweet what I think about people bitching about the “system” not being “fair”: Get A Job Suckers! (I conquered my acne)”--excerpt from Chapter One of your memoirs, Diary of a Phagot.

So that about wraps it up. We don't have all the magic answers. H*ck, if you left it up to us, we'd probably be knee deep in Hydrogen Summer already. You know what I'm talking about playboy? 15,000 degrees: the endless summer; the nuclear winter--I mean, imagine how cool it will be riding around in dune buggies with machine guns, and just taking whatever you want and doing whatever you want to anybody, and just stealing people's Nuka-Cola caps and not giving a single fuck. Don't put us in charge because we won't stop at nuking Iran.


Million Dollar Extreme--two overweight car salesmen (one straightedge, the other a wigger) and a neoconservative construction worker from Rhode Island (Pawtucket and Woonsocket, not Providence)--whole-heartedly and un-ironically supports the Occupy movement. Dissent is patriotic, gender isn't binary, anti-intellectualism and authority worship are for insecure closeted homo(phobes), and oh, by the way, Ron Paul 2012. :-)