[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:00 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
is there a reason you're being short with me?
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:02 am UTC (link) Track This
No. I just don't know what to say. It did open a can of worms, it was a bit of a cold bath, but it set me right into the "none of him is any of your business" category so I'm just working my head around that. It's not you, you're doing you and I need to do me.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:02 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
fair enough. i'll leave you be then.
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:04 am UTC (link) Track This
I still have feelings for you that I just haven't shut off yet, but if it's easier to leave it be then yeah. Maybe it is, I don't know. Probably.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:06 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
i don't know what you want me to say, honestly. any time we start to try to have that conversation, it just turns into a mess. i can try to argue my case until i'm blue in the face but you have your mind made up about how you feel about things and that's not going to change.
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:08 am UTC (link) Track This
I know your case, Matt. You think I don't understand how people can severe emotion from the physical and do whatever they need to do for their body? I get it. I've been there. It still doesn't stop me from feeling used. Or, lip serviced. Because you were either so pissed at me or so upset or some combination of both that your go to response is to fuck another guy less than two weeks after telling me you love me. I don't see why that's such a horrible thing for you to hear from me like it's some kind of judgment when it's in fact, at it's core, feeling like fucking shit.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:09 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
you don't know shit, kyle.
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:10 am UTC (link) Track This
So you didn't sleep with him or you lied to me when you said you did? I can't get a straight answer out of you, just a lot of innuendo that doesn't actually clarify anything then, so you claiming you're telling me anything isn't really true.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:13 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
no, i slept with him but, again, you're treating it like i just fucking hopped in bed with him like who fucking cares. like you have no idea what i felt lately or what i felt after we split and any time i try to explain you how i'm feeling, you just feed me some line about well, i just make myself feel like shit. like, yeah alright, sure. it's just me, myfuckself, and i. lest we forget you fucking lied to me about trusting me. but, that's was really just about me, right? who the fuck could trust someone like me?
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:14 am UTC (link) Track This
No, I'm sure it was lovely lovemaking and he comforted you. That's not sarcasm.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:15 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
what the fuck?! seriously? fucking forget it. why am i even trying.
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:17 am UTC (link) Track This
Well what do you mean then?

ou're treating it like i just fucking hopped in bed with him like who fucking cares. like you have no idea what i felt lately

If you didn't fuck him cavalierly and it wasn't a comfort thing and it wasn't love, then what? I'm not a fucking mind reader and when your reactions to things is "just forget it" it does not actually clear anything up.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:18 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
because it doesn't even fucking matter anymore.
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:19 am UTC (link) Track This
You really believe that? It matters to me because I want to understand. As hard as my head is I want to understand and I'd like to get past this with you and maybe you do too. Because I know you did care.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:21 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
i still fucking care kyle or i wouldn't have bothered with an apology!
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:23 am UTC (link) Track This
Then please clarify everything for me so I have the full picture. Two comments up. Why did you sleep with him then, what was it and what is it now? What am I not getting about your whole arrangement or how you dealt with what happened? Because I don't have all the information and you're condemning me for drawing logical conclusions. You tell me you fucked him before and after me but then you're angry when I say it was a sport fuck. Then what, Matt? Don't rely on anger, explain.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:28 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
it's not anything, that's my point. it's...sex. maybe there's some kind of strange comfort, i don't know. i didn't immediately hop into bed with him, okay? it's not like i packed my shit up and left to go fuck him so please stop acting like that's what i did. at the point in which i decided to throw in the towel and sleep with him, there was a million things on my mind and i just wanted to escape. was it a poor choice? probably but i fucking did it because no one fucking listens to me so i was just tired of screaming for help and took what i could.
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:39 am UTC (link) Track This
This isn't a condemnation, it's a recognition of how alike we are. Or like...how I was 10 years ago. When you're upset, you slam down and run. This is what I'm seeing, and it's not a condemnation, I'm trying to unpack why we conflict and it blows up when we disagree. I'm trying to understand the dynamic and it's not a blame thing. It's just how we operate. You run and I push. Neither is a great strategy for our personalities.

I do try to listen. I want nothing more but to understand the people in my life. I swear to you. I talk a lot and then if any part of it is wrong, which is often the case I admit, with you - you get frustrated and clam up and shut me out. Which doesn't continue the communication. So then I readjust mentally and try to figure out another way in, to figure out what else is the problem. I start building a narrative in my head - you're right, because I'm not getting enough outside input - and it ends up being more wrong or more insulting and you get more frustrated and then it's quitting time.

And you run and do something without thinking. And I take it as...you being cavalier, when it's in fact you're upset and frustrated and don't know how to express it, so it's easier to do shit that further wrecks the thing you're running from. Self-destructive behavior 101. Again, not a condemnation. I'm in therapy for doing the ultimate self-destruct. It could be sex or drugs or booze - but I get it. Because yes I've done all of those things after taking off from people who fucked me up. So I'm not judging you.

Is this a fair assessment? We hit each other's jagged edges, it conflagrates, and our coping mechanisms - yours is to shut down or blow up and take off, and mine is to push. Correct me.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:42 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
yeah, i guess.
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:44 am UTC (link) Track This
I want to hear everything that ever runs through your mind so you don't cycle on things. I know I need to shut up to let that happen. Do you want to work through this with me or are you fine being where you are?
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:46 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
i don't fucking know. i feel like i'm seeing red at this point because no matter how many times you say "not condemnation" i still feel an awful lot of shit being pointed at me.
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 07:52 am UTC (link) Track This
I don't know what else to say. I know I push and I push worse when I'm hurt. But I'm trying not to operate out of that space now and I'm pretty calm right now. Especially because I know you're hyped up and I don't want to exacerbate it. I'm at a place in my life where I hated where I was. I might not have been using sex as an anodyne but I was using other things that weren't any better, so I'm trying to change those habits. What I see in you is a similar thing - you'd like to change your habits. Or maybe you don't and that's my assumption. I don't know. But you're upset and maybe it's not all about me, maybe I'm just hitting a wound that was already there. Only you know. And only you know if you really want to change anything so you stop doing things that you don't think about and what I'm saying is if you do, I will be there, Matt. Because if there's one thing I know is it's easier when you're not alone in it.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 07:55 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
i don't know what i want anymore. i feel so completely fucked up and bruised and pulled apart and i just want it to stop. i'm tired of these overbearing emotions and feeling shit for anyone when no one gives a fuck about what i feel. people are selfish and demanding and if you don't give them what they want, how they want it, fuck it.
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 08:00 am UTC (link) Track This
Go home to your family and don't think about it. Then come back and see if anything is clearer. How about that?

Just know that I haven't stopped caring about you and I do care about what you feel, Matty. Just because I get angry and lash out out of hurt doesn't mean I don't care about what you're feeling, just like you lashing out at me doesn't mean you don't care. We're both still here because we care. Can we at least agree on that?

I tried not to care because I thought it was what you wanted and what I needed, but I care so much about you that it seems disproportionate to the time we spent together. I don't know what that is but I'm done denying it. And I care about you for you. For me too but mostly for you. I will spend the rest of my days proving it to you, trying to show you how much I do regard you, because I know you don't believe it now. And that's understandable.

We both did dumb shit, can we agree on that too? I let my insecurity get the better of me and you fell back on old ways of coping. We both let our old dumbshit ways get the better of us.
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[info]thrie
2015-11-24 08:03 am UTC (link) DeleteTrack This
i'll agree to it. all of it, for the most part. right now, i need to crawl into bed and sleep off this shitty feeling because i don't want to take it with me. i'll talk to you later, kyle.
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[info]teger
2015-11-24 08:03 am UTC (link) Track This
okay. have a safe flight.