Hey Liz

     I know you said you wanted me out of your life, and that we should go our separate ways and that I should try and forget about you. And I know I said I would try, but I thought about it some more and after still feeling dissatisfied, I sat down and talked with Nicolina about the whole thing (I told her everything, but kept out some private stuff for your sake). And she gave me some advice, helped clear a few things up I couldn't see, and recommended that I write this letter to you. I hope that you do read it Liz, and then afterwards make a decision. I know you've probably made your mind up about me already, but hopefully this can change it.

     First off Liz, I want to apologize. I've been acting overly emotional and occasionally like a moron the past few weeks, especially when it comes to you. I've done and said some stupid shit that I didnt really think about, and im sorry. Between going to the hospital, starting Fall Semester at FSU, having to run a million errands, and having to deal with my screaming, fighting parents, i've been kinda stressed out.
     But ontop of all that, the thing thats been bothering me the most is the fact that I lost my best friend. When you told me never to talk to you again Liz, I was confused, sad, and then after all the other stress in my life, I got pissed. And I want to apologize for that Liz. I over-reacted and i'm sorry and regret that I did.
     But i'm not sending you this just to apologize Liz. I'm sending you this because I think we've seriously misunderstood each other, and now because of that we went from being great friends to not even speaking to each other. And I don't want that Liz. You are one of the best friends i've ever had, and I value that friendship so much Liz. You mean so much to me, and I dont want to throw our friendship away over nothing. And I know you have your reasons for wanting me out of your life, but I think they are because you misunderstood me, and I misunderstood you. So let me clear things up.
     First of all Liz, I don't love you in any sort of romantic, sexual, or in any way besides as a friend. Yes, I did ask you if you wanted to take our relationship further, but at the time I was still reeling from Nicolina leaving me, and I was desperate. And yes, I did get emotional when you told me you just wanted to be friends Liz, but in the end I understood. And i'm fine with us just being friends, I always was Liz, and I always will be. I love you Liz, as a friend and nothing more. I would never treat you as anything else if you didn't want to be Liz, and I know for a fact that right now you just want us to be friends, and that you want things to stay that way. And again, i'm so fine with that.
      The second thing is Liz, i'm not obsessed with you. Yes, I care about you VERY VERY much and I love you (as a friend!), but its not to the point where its obsessive. Obsessive is what Dom was. I heard about the stuff he did (posing as one of your friends, insisting he play with you 24/7, getting pissed when he learned about your boyfriend) and all of that points to him being obsessive. I was never like that with you Liz. Yes, I loved talking to you all the time, but if you needed space I gave it to you. Yes, I spent stupid amounts of money on you, but i'm a rich ass Jew and I always buy people stuff. Yes, I did text you "I love you" and called you "my love" and such, but I always ASKED if it was OK with you first Liz. If you had told me not to do anything I would have stopped, and been completely fine with it. And yes, I would do anything for you Liz. But thats because you're my best friend, and I care about you and I'm so thankful for you just being there for me, not because I want to impress you or force you to like me or anything stupid like that. I'm not obsessed with you Liz, I just love being around you and talking with you and having you as a friend. Thats also why I've been trying so hard to get you back, not because i'm obsessed with you and can't let you go, but because I value you as a friend so much and I don't want to lose you because of a couple of misunderstandings.
     The third point I want to clear up is that I'm not jealous of your boyfriend or your other relationships Liz. For me, you having a boyfriend changes nothing. Why? Because to me we were always just friends Liz. I know it may have seemed like I was getting too attached to you near the end, but again, I had just gone through everything with Nicolina, and you were there. But even then, you were still just my friend (even if I did start to lean in a bit too close, imo the "my love" thing was pretty stupid). I was fine with you and Dom being together (I even made you two make up at one point after a fight, if you remember) and I'm fine with this guy too. Alright, maybe i'm not THAT ok with him (ffs Liz, you met him like what, a month ago?) but i'm not jealous or feel anything negative towards him, And I'll never try to tell you who and who not to date, thats up to you to decide. But the point is I'm fine with you being with another guy while you're friends with me, because we're just friends Liz! I would NEVER view you as anything more than a friend while you were with another guy, and I would still be just your friend even if you were single.

     Alright, I think thats everything cleared up. Now I just want to apologize again and do some explaining for what happened after things fell apart between us. I hope you can understand that at the time Liz, I was still feeling all the emotion from Nicolina leaving me. So yes, I did get too attached to you, but at the core you were still just my friend. But what you did Liz, I think was an over-reaction. And I can understand perfectly why you got so pissed off at me. I understand that you had just started dating your new boyfriend, and that I was getting too close. But if you had told me what was going on Liz you know I would have woken up, realized what I was doing wrong, and backed off. But Instead you randomly (at least from my PoV at the time) blew me off.
     And thats when I got scared.
     At first I thought you were just stressed out that day and needed space, but I later figured out you were perfectly fine. Thats when I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was and you didn't want to tell me (which is perfectly fine, I understand now why you did it). So I started to freak out a little.
     Why?
     Because I was scared of losing you Liz.
     You have to understand Liz, you're one of the only people in my life who truly is my friend and who truly cares about me. I don't have a family that cares, I dont have a girlfriend, I don't have many real friends, and even less that are willing to listen to my problems and brighten up my day like you do Liz. And I've been alone before. I was alone for 4 years and that culminated in me attempting to kill myself. And at the moment you blew me off, I was so scared that was going to happen again, that I was going to go back to being lonely and depressed.
     And then it did.
     You sent me that messag	e telling me not to talk to you ever again, and literally all of my fears had come true. Everything I was so scared of happening had just happened.
     I had just lost my best friend, and now I was alone.
     Again.
     I couldn't take it Liz.
     I snapped. You saw how I freaked out, how I wouldn't stop messaging you. I tried calling you, facetime, skype, steam chat, texting, everything. So I now understand why you blocked me, but at the time I was in total panic mode. From my PoV at the time, everything had gone to shit in literally a day, and I didn't know why. All of a sudden, within 24 hours, my best friend had done a 180 and no longer even wanted to talk to me. And the worst part is I had no idea why at the time. I had 0 idea what was going on. All I knew was that everything had gone to shit, I had lost my best friend, and I was alone.
      Cue the bullshit.
      The very next day:
      I had to catch a flight on a shitty prop plane (which got delayed twice) and go back home to my screaming, fighting parents
      I had a hold put on my FSU account and it was looking like I wouldn't be able to enroll for fall semester
     I still had to sign up for classes (which I now couldn't, thanks to the hold)
     I had a million errands to run and only a week to do them
     I had to go shopping and buy all of my shit for fall Semester
     I had to take 3 placement exams for my fall classes (which i didnt even know if I was getting into at that point)
     I had to help tutor my brother (who had just started school) and take him to football practice twice a day
     Then ontop of all that, the day after I get home I get a crazy high fever with a pounding headache and a nasty cough, which then lands me in the hospital a few days later in critical condition. I could barely think through the fucking migraine I had, I was coughing out my lungs, and I was constantly sweating like I was in the middle of the fucking desert.
     And ontop of all these problems, I had lost my best friend, and I was still trying to wrap my head around why you were so pissed at me. Literally everything that could have gone wrong that week, did go wrong.
     When I was in the hospital Liz, I thought something horrible was going to happen to me. Probably brain damage, maybe not death, but something bad. And at the time I had a million issues to take care if, with more popping up (A SECOND hold was put on my FSU account, because of my high school transcripts, woo-fucking-hoo).
      And do you know what I cared about, as I laid there, not even knowing if I was going to be ok or not?
     I cared about apologizing to you Liz. I still wasnt even sure what had happened, but I wanted to make sure you and me were still friends incase anything happened to me. So I had Dohlar send you that message, and I thank you so much for replying.
    But what happened next was fucking stupid, and my fault
    I got out of the hospital, went back home, and now with literally like a weekend to deal with all of this shit, and still with a high fever, I was seriously stressing.
    Then while I was talking to one of your friends, I was told that you had a new boyfriend.
    Who you had just started dating
    On the day that you left me
    So yea, I hope you can imagine the reaction that I had. I was stressed out, hurt, depressed, seriously ill, and now it was looking like my best friend had just left me by the side of the road because she found someone else to replace me.
     Lets just say I got fucking pissed.
     I thought that you were being an idiot, that you had left me because of this guy even though we were just friends, that you had done this to Dom and Phillip, ect. I was venting out all of the stress and confusion and pain that I had been going through the past week through you Liz.
     And i'm sorry about that.
     I really did over-react, and i'm horrified with myself that I even thought about calling you a "whore". I was so wrong for doing that Liz, and i'm sorry. I realize now that you never meant to leave me like that, that it was just bad timing, the amount of stress I was going through, and all of the misunderstandings between us that made me see things that way and react the way I did.
     I realized that I had done wrong a couple of days later, and I tried apologizing to you through Dohlar. I know it probably seemed like I was going completely bi-polar on you, but you have to understand that I was just going through a whole fucking lot at the time, and anything was going to set me off. But now I've had time to calm down and think about things. My life is still fucking filled with problems and stress (The start of Fall semester has sucked ASS so far) but thats why I went to Nicolina, she helped calm me down and clear my mind so I could actually deal with this problem, so i could deal with what happened between us.

     But here we are now. Hopefully you now understand why I've done everything I've done in the past few weeks Liz, and I understand why you've done what you've done as well. Imo, I think we've let a bunch of misunderstandings get between our friendship, and we've both overreacted and done wrong. You probably should have tried to talk things out with me that one night, but I can understand perfectly why you didn't want to. And I definitely shouldn't have freaked out the way I did. I kept carrying the issue on and on and on without realizing I was making things worse until it was too late. I got angry with you when I shouldn't have, and I seriously over-reacted to a lot of the stuff going on with us Liz. And i'm so sorry for all of that.

     But now, I've calmed down, and I just want you back. And incase you're wondering why, or you think i'm just obsessed with you, let me make it clear to you Liz.

     I want you back because you're my friend, because you're my best friend. Because I miss having someone I can talk to, having someone who listens to me, having someone who understands me and is nice and caring and loves me the same way I love them, as a great friend. I want you back because I miss leaving uneaten plates of nachos at Tijuana, because I miss furiously typing "11111111111111" when the clock hit 11:11, because I miss making stupid Jewish jokes and trying to convince you that we dont make a pilgrimage to Mecca. I want you back because I still havent taken you to New York, or a Kanye West concert, or bought you every last game on steam. And most of all Liz, I want you back because i'm scared of being alone. I might sound like a pussy right now, but I'm terrified of being by myself again. I don't want to come back to my dorm, and have nothing to do but stare at the ceiling and think about my problems. I dont want to go back to not being able to sleep and having nightmares about Elana and Nicolina and you, I don't want to go back to having to feel like every day I spend is miserable because I don't have any friends.
      I want you back because you make me feel happy Liz. Because you just being my friend, just the thought that you care about me and like talking to me and being with me, that makes me happy beyond measure Liz. It erases all of my problems, all of my fears, all of my doubts. When we were friends Liz, I don't think I'd ever felt better in my life. And I want to go back to that. I want us to be friends again Liz, just friends, and only friends. With no more misunderstandings, overly-emotional girlfriend-just-dumped-me BS, and no more drama. I want things to go back to how they were that day I visited you in Orlando Liz. Because that was one of the best, happiest days of my life. Because I got to spend it with the best girl I've ever met.
     You.


     So I hope you think about this Liz. You can do whatever you like, send me a reply, or just unblock me, or continue to ignore me, whatever, the choice is up to you Liz. Make the decision yourself. But no matter what decision you make, just know that I will always care about you, I will always be here for you, and that I will always love you as a friend, my best friend.

    Love you
    ~Sam


(p.s: my fingers are about to fall off, I typed this all on an ipad mini)
(p.s.s: I totally did not start crying into Nicolina's bowl of chicken like a total pussy as I told her about you and she totally didn't need to slap me in the face to get me to snap out of it and stop ruining her lunch)
(p.s.s.s: I'm a really bad liar)
(p.s.s.s.s: my new roommates not actually arab, hence why i'm still alive and able to send this to you)