Sevacre's Life Goal Lecture

Ah, life goals. A very complicated and touchy subject that people don't usually start solidifying until around the cusp of maturity, in other words, around the same age I am. 16-20s. People start really learning about themselves during this time. Learning a lot of things such as sexuality and gender, religion and politics, and most importantly: their goal.

As a child, maybe around 5-7; I wanted to be a soldier. Because all children know soldiers are cool. But my mother frowned upon that idea and told me to get a better goal. So when I was 8 or so, it became simple. I wanted to design games and make games and such. It was like that until I was around maybe 12? When I started realizing that I wanted to make more than just games. I wanted to make all sorts of things. Clothes, Movies, Games, Books, Food, Toys. Anything and everything. If I could make it, I would.

Now mind you I was incredibly saddened and angry and moody and depressed or whatever around the age of 11 onwards for reasons that are better not stated, and a way to help me cope with this was to talk to my friends on the internet. I would just vent things to them such as my problems and insecurities, and they would listen and give advice. Then sometimes they'd do the same. Then one friend, who's name I will not specify, because despite this, they are honest and great, and still very friendly. I was venting to him one day on something that I can't recall, and he stopped me, and said it as politely as he could, that he really didn't like listening to my problems. Immediately I was furious. Not at him, no. He was being honest, which is what I've come to want from people by that point in time. I was angry at myself because of my actions. Why tell people, why burden them with my problems? What use does that do other than to make myself feel better? Exactly, nothing. All it does is annoy people and make them feel bad for whatever reason. So I swore an oath from that point on that I would never talk about my problems ever again. An oath that I've done pretty good at as far as I can tell. No this doesn't count, it's less a 'problem' and more of an 'opinion'.

Soon after that, I realized something. I realized what my life goal would be. It would be to make the world a better place. That's what I want to do. I want to make a person's day even slightly better than it already is. I want everyone to be friends and I want all people to be helpful and nice. That's my goal. To improve this world in any way, shape or form.

Interesting little tidbit about said goal: I'm willing to do it at the cost of myself. If I have to die to achieve this goal, then I will gladly face my death. I want you all to be happy, even if I have to suffer. This is what I plan on doing with my life.

I think I've done a rather okay job so far. Take those two things into consideration, because I'm about to tell you what waking up for me is like.
Every day I wake up on the floor because we have no bed. My legs are sore and slightly numb, aching around the knees. My back is in constant agony from the painful floor to the scoliosis and to the fact that something has happened to my left shoulder blade and I haven't even gone to a doctor to get it fixed. My hands are constantly shaking and tense, shutting themselves all the time. I suffer from a nearly 24/7 headache that gets worse with certain noises, and generally with bright lights. My lungs feel weird, and taking deep breaths are uncomfortable. My eyes hurt all the time, and lastly my teeth are starting to become increasingly painful, due to a mix of poor dental care and the fact they're constantly closed tight to help with whatever bad feeling I have. The rest of my body is just generally uncomfortable.

The reason I'm telling you this is because I don't want you to worry. I've been like this for quite a while now, and I've refused to tell anyone, only letting out hints and tidbits to my own mother. Because it's not their problem, it's mines. Telling them serves no purpose, it doesn't make their day better, it doesn't make anyone's lives better, and it barely makes me feel better. Infact now-a-days it makes me feel worse because now I'm thinking of myself instead of everyone else. Understand that my life is devoted to everyone else's enjoyment now. I don't expect much, nor do I need much. I just want everyone to be happy and to get along. Once that's done, then I'll happily start considering myself in this equation, but until that time has come, you should never worry or even consider me in your plans. It's just not my place to be a burden to anyone in any way, shape, or form. But even taking that into consideration, I need to ask you one question:

Have I been doing a good job?