i just

I fucked up YET AGAIN. Why. When do I get to be happy? When do I get her back? When will she speak to me again?  How am I supposed to handle knowing I'm going to lose my grandpa + believing i'm going to lose her? Catherine I'm so fuckign sorry. I am. I just.. I want to die but I cant because it'd hurt you but i don't know if you care because you wont speak and I just.. kill me someone pelase. Catherine please don't turn your back on me. I need you right now..