Pun

[–]noahsledditaccount 1360 points 3 hours ago*
"Tell me Dr. Kline, why did you become a professor?"
The professor grimaced.
Whatever answer, initial ambition, youthful passion, had died with his wife. He was here for money, and a place to hide from reflection. This fact broke his heart.
Wordplay of course, was his passion. Apparent from the earliest age. He had always delivered the greatest puns, because his puns were for the enjoyment of others. Despite his gift, he was lonely. A life of giving joy leaves little for oneself.
It was a chilly Tuesday, when he first met her. A soft rosy complexion. A charming smile. A warm heart. He was smitten beyond words. Almost beyond words.
With all his heart, he uttered the line that changed his life. A single phrase, beautiful and balanced.
Every pun that followed, carried some of that energy. The vicarious development of these puns was unrivaled. He soon found himself to be the largest producer of puns, and numerous job offers.
He decided to settle down at a small university, somewhere private, but with a proper environment to continue his work. As his life comfortably slid into place, he was tossed from his dreams into reality.
A policeman. Bad news. A car crash. One dead. His wife.
No time for mourning. Bills. Work. Responsibility. Life around him moved on.
He become bitter. But without puns, he had no livelihood. He tried, tried to create. But he knew he would never match his former vigor.
No time for depression. Bills tightened. Work stagnated. Responsibilities were ignored. He began to lag behind the pace.
In his lowest moment, he had resolved to end it. Suicide by gun. The time came, and the gun was raised. But a knock.
A knock saved him. A wiry man in glasses. A dark suit. A case of money. But, most importantly, a solution to his problems. The agreement was made; 300,000,000 dollars a year, and he would never make a pun again.
It was strange, but it was a remedy nonetheless. 10 years had passed, the money never faltered. And neither had he.
"I come here for an obligation"
The student frowned
"Weren't you the greatest pun maker ever?"
The professor's grimace tightened.
Before he could snap at the boy, a voice in the back hissed, "I would advise you leave us here, boy"
They both wheeled around. The wiry man smirked, seated partially in the shadows.
"Puns are a thing of the past,"
He gazed at the professor, "And they shall remain so."
"Dr.Kline, please. Hear me out-"
The professor waved him off, and the student left dejectedly.
"I assume there will be no trouble with our agreement, Daniel?"
"That is correct"
There was a small letter waiting for the professor when he got home.
As he read the letter, his tired eyes filled with tears. He lifted himself up with determination, and walked to his study doors.
With great effort, he twisted the rusty knob open and flung open the door. It was a moment frozen in time, every book in it's ancient place, the stacks of papers standing tall. His desk was coated in a film of dust and age. He slid his finger across the dusty top, and pulled the fountain pen from it's mount. Still sharp, and polished.
He felt the memories of his youth rush back. What did do next? A fresh piece of stationary, another fill of ink, and he began his reply. He would fulfill the request, agreement be damned.
Hours passed, but the labor was completed. The professor signed his name, and smiled in nostalgia.
"My eyes must deceive me, Daniel."
The professor's eyes narrowed.
"In my own home. How did you get in here?"
The wiry man came into view. "Irrelevant. The only object of importance is your breech of contract."
"Contract be damned. Have your money back, I don't need it anymore."
The wiry man cocked his head. "Money? This contract is far more than money, I'm afraid. And it's nigh time I collected."
In a swift motion, he grabbed the letter and stuffed it into the professors mouth, holding his writhing body until the noise of struggle was gone.
The news spread. A brutal murder, the end of Puns. The world seemed to be a little darker. Lawmakers met, consulted with linguists worldwide. A proposal, championed by a anonymous business man, would ban puns forevermore, out of respect for it's greatest patron.
The funeral received much less attention, a small gathering of colleagues and family. It was stormy and hellish outside. Few came. The eulogy was delivered by a student.
"Today, we bury a good man. A source of joy. A victim of a cruel life and a crueler fate. And how does the world honor a man as such. By banning his gift. I know, if he was still with us, well; No! He wouldn't stand for this. I believe he was coming out of retirement, I think he was going to start again. surely someone can see this, the letter, t-the-" The boy broke into sobs
A chuckle emanated, from all around. The wiry man burst into the chapel. He no longer looked like a man, rather a dark and grotesque demon. The chuckle turned into a cackle, and the figure began to yell, "Let us pay our respects to the great pun artist himself. The only man capable of suppressing me for so many years. Without those wretched puns, there shall be none to stop my rise. I shall reign eternal over this earth, and you will be the first to bow to me."
Fear filled the student, he knew not how to react. The figure advanced towards the front, and the student cowered.
The figure screamed with pleasure,
"AHHAHAHA. THE PRODIGIOUS HERO HIMSELF. TELL ME, WITH YOUR LAST BREATH. WHERE ARE YOUR PUNS NOW?"
Suddenly, a peace entered the student. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder, and looked. The faint, glowing face of the professor smiled back at him. Metaphysically, the truth was revealed to the student, and he knew what he must do.
The student stood, tall and proud. With a grin, barely louder than a whisper, he said
"Don't worry one bit wretched beast. Puns are in D. Kline."
The darkness left the figures face. Instantly, the figure disintegrated, and the force knocked everyone to the ground.
The student ran out of the hall. The skies were clear, almost smiling. He felt the joy in the air fill him, and he let a single tear roll down his face. He saw two people walking in the distance, they turned and waved. He waved back, and they continued off into the sky.
In that moment, no pun was needed.