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- >Day of this shit don’t usually happen in Equestria
- >”And that’s my situation, Anon.”
- >You sip your iced tea and pinch yourself real quick
- >You feel nothing
- >This is real life then
- >”Do you think you could give me some advice?”
- >Seriously, you aren’t sure how to react to this
- >Fluttershy just came over to your house today
- >And instead of doing something weird like trying to guess your fetish, or smell your feet and underwear, or collect hair from your shower drain; she’s asking for your help
- >Specifically on how to get someone to stop stalking her
- >You check to make sure your tea isn’t “irony” flavored
- >…
- >It isn’t – its regular iced tea – funny right?
- >Fluttershy meekly smiles at you and you rub your temples and sigh
- “What do you want me to do?”
- >”Well, you’re always able to rebuff my advances and still be my friend.”
- >That’s kind of true
- >Just as long as her shenanigans are limited to the morning
- >When you are grumpiest
- >”I don’t want to ruin my friendship with Tree Hugger, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with her either. What do you think I should do?”
- >You really wish she had asked Twilight for advice on something
- >Then again you’re pretty sure Twilight is a virgin
- >You set your tea down and sigh again
- “Alright, have you told her no yet?”
- >Fluttershy avoids your gaze, “Well –“
- “Alright stop. You totally haven’t have you?”
- >”I –“
- “Tell her no.”
- >”But what if she gets mad?”
- “If she stops hanging out with you just cause you don’t want to date her then she’s a bitch.”
- >Fluttershy sighs, “I don’t know.”
- >This fucking horse sometimes
- “Look Fluttershy, you’re just sending her mixed signals when you avoid the question like you’ve been doing.”
- >You start pushing her towards the door
- “Now I want you to go tell her that you aren’t interested in dating her, but that you’d love to still be friends.”
- >You push Shy out and she just stands there with her head hung low
- >Dammit
- “It should seriously be just as simple as I explained it.”
- >She turns to you and her knees start shaking, “Oh but what do I say? How do I say it? Should I do it the way we do it?”
- >The way we do it?
- >You think back to last week
- >”Is anal vore your fetish, Anon?”
- “No dammit! Get your ass away from me!”
- >Fluttershy flies towards your face ass first and you duck and hear her crash into some pots and pans in your kitchen
- >You quickly grab a frying pan from the floor as it skids towards you and you knock her ass out of the air when her ass charges at you again
- >Dragging her by her mane you throw her out and ignore her screams
- “If you ever try to shove my head up your ass again I’ll fucking kill you!”
- >You slam the door and scream to the heavens above
- >A timid squeak comes from behind the door
- >”Are we still going to have lunch together?”
- >You take a deep breath and punch the wall
- “Yes you daft cunt!”
- >”I’ll bring the drinks then.”
- >You angrily stomp up the stairs to get some gauze for your bleeding knuckles
- “No I don’t think you should do it the way we do it.”
- >Fluttershy swallows nervously and rubs her forearm
- “Just tell her no and that you still want to be friends. Trust me, Fluttershy.”
- >She nods and finally bites the bullet
- >”I’ll do what you said, Anon.”
- “It’ll be alright.”
- >Shy blows you a kiss and then heads down the trail towards town
- >Well that only took four hours
- >Stupid friendly shy pony
- >This Tree Hugger sounds like a really annoying pony too
- >Who the fuck names their kid Tree Hugger?
- >And you thought Fluttershy was a crappy name
- >Suddenly you hear a rustling from the tree next to you
- >Are there birds hopping in there?
- >Then you hear the leaves shake one more time before you see a green pony slide down the trunk like a drop of water from the foliage above
- >Her mane is a sort of redwood color and its tangled and curly like she’s from pony Jamaica
- >The mare hums and then pats the tree on the trunk
- >”Your assistance totally aided my cause a lot.”
- >Is she talking to the tree?
- >And not the person standing next to her whose property she’s trespassing on?
- >”As promised your efforts will be rewarded.”
- >The mare pulls a kite from out of her stained and ripped pink dress and tosses it into your tree
- >”Eat up you hungry soul. Feel the good vibes that come from a nice meal and let those roots grow and grow so that future generations can enjoy your fresh air righteous one.”
- >The kite doesn’t move from the foliage and you’re pretty sure it’s stuck
- >The dirty pony looks at you with a dazed smile and she takes a deep breath through her nose
- >”Groovy day isn’t it?”
- “Did you just throw a fucking kite in my tree?”
- >The mare closes her eyes and slowly shakes her head
- >”That tree does not belong to you.
- >”The soil and the sunlight are the only owners that tree has, and we are all just borrowing our air from its natural aura.
- >”It is a common mistake those not connected to nature make though.”
- >…
- >You fucking hate this pony
- “Get that kite out of my tree.”
- >”Do not worry green dude, the kite will return to the land through biodegradation as the elements have their way with it.”
- “Exactly, I don’t want it to look like shit on my property. Get rid of it.”
- >The mare sighs and you swear she was so fucking lazy she did it for a minute
- >”You have quite the defensive aura for one who is alone in this world, but I suppose that is to be expected.”
- “What did you –“
- >”However, I feel that we are on the fast track to become friends you and I.”
- >Yeah right
- >”You have already helped me in a very substantial way, even if you don’t know it.”
- “What?”
- >The pony goes over and wraps her arm around the trunk of the tree she was just in
- >The tree that STILL has a fucking kite stuck in it
- >”Not to diminish the role that this precious disciple of Mother Nature played of course; you both helped immensely.”
- >You’re going to cut that tree down later just to spite her
- >Wait a second here
- “Tree Hugger?”
- >She smiles at you and the sun’s rays illuminate her frame
- >Stupid nature
- >”That is the name the world chose for me, and it is good.”
- >Can’t she just say yes?
- “Fluttershy doesn’t want to date you.”
- >She rubbed her chin, “It would appear that way. It’s a real bummer cause I think we’d really be in sync with each other you know?”
- “No, just leave her alone. You can keep being her friend if you want, but don’t bother her with any dating talk anymore. If she wanted you she’d let you know.”
- >You shiver
- “Trust me on that.”
- >The mentally retarded pony stumbles towards you and places her hoof over your heart
- >You give her a dirty look but her eyes are closed and she’s mumbling something
- >And…
- >Oh fuck she smells awful
- >Like salty musk, caked in dirt and shit, inside a sour sweaty armpit
- >You have to tell her she…
- >Hold on a second here
- >You look and see a little black dot run by her eye
- >Holding your nose you take a closer look and see lots of little black dots running through her coat
- “Are those fleas?”
- >She doesn’t even open her eyes
- >Holy shit Fluttershy told you that a pony would have to not shower for like a month to get fleas
- >Does this mare seriously think that anyone would want to fuck her?
- >Let alone a former model like Fluttershy?
- >”I understand it all now.”
- >Yeah, so do you
- >”By examining your aura through meditation I have discovered the lock that is keeping your key away from, Fluttershy.”
- >Nobody wants to fuck someone who smells like shit
- >”And in discovering this route past your insecurity we can both achieve the nirvana in our viaduct dreams.”
- >Or someone who can’t keep a conversation going without being an annoying twat
- >”The reason your heart is locked away is because you have yet to experience a love strong enough to break through the thick armor of rejection that hides your feelings and bars you from intimacy.”
- >Or someone who is so self-absorbed that they assume their way is right even when it isn’t
- >You look up and see that the kite is still stuck in your tree
- >”Because of this armor you have yet to discover an emotional maturity where you feel comfortable fooling around with the opposite sex. I think this is also why you continually rebuff Fluttershy’s advances.”
- >Wait a second
- >Has this pony been talking about you this whole time?
- >”Being lusted after by a female, especially one who is a different species, must be a very confusing and frustrating feeling for you.”
- >Did she just…
- >”The best method to get you past this emotional barrier, and to get what I desire as well, would probably be the combined efforts of two hearts.”
- >Two hearts?
- >Is she…
- >”I think that mellow grin you’re wearing is a confirmation of my speculations, righteous.”
- >Threesome?
- >The mare slides up the trunk of the tree and goes into the foliage again
- >”I will arrange this get together then and see you later on my wavelength green one.”
- >Oh god no
- >You can feel your pants tightening and your balls ache at the thought of being double teamed
- >Two tongues stroking your –
- >No!
- >Not with Fluttershy
- >You can’t send off those mixed signals after all you just told her
- >Even if she totally just found your…
- >You swallow nervously
- >Even if that’s your fetish
- >You look up in the tree and see no sign of the crazy hippie pony
- >She also didn’t take the kite out of your tree
- >But you’ll complain about that later
- >You head towards town
- >You have to find Fluttershy before that weirdo does first
- >On a different wavelength you are Tree Hugger
- >The green biped was a bit uptight – kind of a stiff – but Fluttershy totally digs him though
- >You think with the combined efforts of you and Fluttershy you can bring him to embrace the natural feelings he’s been pushing away for so long
- >There’s a feeling in your chest that tells you Fluttershy is probably looking for you in town
- >And that the biped is probably going to try and convince Fluttershy that you are a square
- >But you wanted to take the long way back to town and push away the uptight feelings
- >There’s no rush for this
- >You smell the wonderful fresh air and feel the vibrations of the wind as it shakes the trees and stirs the land
- >Your heart dances at the thought of Fluttershy walking with you on this sunny world
- >Her meek smile, soft bright blue eyes, swirly pink hair like a fruity yogurt
- >She totally makes you feel like being natural
- >But she’s a little uptight too
- >However, now that you’ve found her wild side you can help her be free
- >You shake your lovely dreads and stroll through the rows of trees towards town
- >Well, you think this is the right way anyway
- >Nothing to get down about
- >You’ve got good vibes about all this
- >You are Anon
- >And after running through town for like an hour you finally found Fluttershy at Carousel Boutique
- >You have no fucking idea why she’d be there
- >But you drag her out and put your hands on your hips as she looks down
- “Why were you there and not looking for, Tree Hugger?”
- >She tapped her hooves, “Well I thought I should look my best when I delivered the bad news.”
- >Fucking hell
- “No! That’s sending mixed signals again, Fluttershy.”
- >”Oh, but I didn’t want her to think that I wasn’t taking this seriously.”
- “But you aren’t taking it seriously; you’re trying to show her that you want to be comfortable, but not intimate, with her.”
- >She sniffled, “I’m sorry.”
- “Don’t apologize. In fact I need your help.”
- >”Really, is something wrong?”
- “Well…”
- >How are you going to explain this?
- >Your friend found out my fetish and wants all three of us to have sex
- >God that bed would be cramped
- >Two girls in both arms while theirs are reaching –
- >No!
- >Think of something else dammit
- >You look at Fluttershy who is eyeing you curiously
- >Are you just standing there looking like a dipshit?
- >”Are you alright, Anon?”
- >You can feel sweat running down your brow
- >Suddenly your back starts itching like crazy
- >You can already see both of them on their backs as you head –
- >You have to get out of here!
- “I have to go talk to, Twilight.”
- >Fluttershy says something but you ignore it and speed walk away with your head in your shoulders and your boner in the waistband of your pants
- >You have to make sure you get this right with Fluttershy
- >She can’t know your fetish
- >And she can’t know about Tree Hugger’s plans
- >But she has to make it clear that she isn’t interested in Tree Hugger
- >She can’t see her though cause then Tree Hugger will tell Shy her plan
- >This is absolutely fucked
- >How are you going to get out of this one?
- >Fluttershy has to make it clear that she isn’t interested without seeing her
- >How would one go about doing that?
- >Well if it was someone as shy and anxious as Fluttershy she’d probably write them or –
- >Holy shit that’s it
- >Fluttershy will write Tree Hugger a letter explaining why they can’t be together
- >And then you can convince Fluttershy to move somewhere far away for a while just to make sure they have no accidental meetings
- >That should be easy enough
- >You’ll just tell her long distance relationships are your fetish or something
- >Alright now you just have…
- >Why did you walk away when that crazy hippie pony is on the loose?!
- >You turn around and indeed see that Fluttershy isn’t where she was
- “Fluttershy!”
- >You run over there and see no trace of her
- “Fluttershy?”
- >On the wall by where she was you see a piece of paper hanging
- >You don’t think that was there before
- >Upon further inspection you see that it’s a note
- Anon, please meet me at your house so we can talk about what to do with Tree Hugger. – Fluttershy
- >Well you’re fucked
- >She definitely knows your fetish now
- >That hippie pony won
- >Might as well get this over with
- >You sulk all the way home
- >Thinking about how relentless Fluttershy will probably be now that she knows your fetish
- >She’ll never stop thinking of sex for a second now
- >And that nasty hippie is probably in your house now
- >Getting flea eggs in your carpet and stinking up your home with her gross natural musk
- >Those two are probably both on your bed
- >Getting themselves ready for you
- >Probably kissing each other and just dying for a good f –
- >Not right now please!
- >You’re trying to be sad here
- >You approach your doorstep and sigh as you see some muddy hoof prints on your porch
- >That hippie probably tracked mud inside too
- >And sure enough that kite is still stuck
- >The tree starts rustling – despite the lack of a breeze – and you watch as the kite gets pulled into the foliage and sticks and string from the kite fall to the ground
- >You swear you hear a burp as well
- >Well then…
- >Maybe you shouldn’t fuck with that tree after all
- >You snap out of it and open the door
- >Sure enough you follow the muddy hoof prints to your bedroom door
- >You put your ear up to the door and try to guess as to what they’re doing in there
- >They’re probably muzzle deep in each other’s p –
- >Damn this fetish!
- >Moaning and sweating while they think of your eventua –
- >That nasty hippie is bringing fleas in your house and all you can think about is how she’s probably real eager to guide your member into Fluttershy’s –
- >That’s it!
- >It’s way too hard to go down now
- >You open the door and find them on the bed waiting for you
- >Fluttershy sees you and smiles coyly
- >”I hope you don’t mind if we all sleep together for a little while.”
- >She looks to Tree Hugger, “Was that good? Did I say it right?”
- >Treehugger puts a hoof on Shy’s mouth and gives you a smug smile
- >”Come frolic with us, Anon. Only with your help can our auras mix together in the best way.”
- >She pats the spot in between them and you feel your boner twitch at the thought of them taking you
- >This is everything you want
- >You have to take it
- >Who cares if it’s with two ponies you don’t really think of in that way
- >Fluttershy looks at you eagerly; her eyes half-lidded in a false seductress look that makes you look her up and down
- >The longer you stare at her the quicker her sultry look fades
- >You quickly steal a glance at Tree Hugger
- >The hippie pony is looking solely at Fluttershy now – a pony who is currently entranced with you – but she could care less
- >Plastered on her face is a goofy grin and focused intent eyes that refuse to look elsewhere
- >You can see her desire; the way she looks at her like she wants to be closer to her than anyone else at that moment
- >And then you look at Fluttershy and you see the same look in her
- >At you
- >Those soft blue eyes that look up at you and that small smile that has nothing but praise for you
- >That face that you turn down every day
- >Just so you can be sure that that smile is real
- >You can’t do this
- >As you approach the bed Tree Hugger licks her lips and lunges at Fluttershy’s neck
- >But before she can assault it with kisses she yelps as you grab hold of her mane
- >Her nasty tangled greasy mane
- >Oh god you can feel the fleas climbing up your arm
- >You quickly pull her out the bed and drag her out of your room
- >”Anon what are you doing?!” Fluttershy screams.
- >Tree Hugger’s screams echo off the walls as you drag her down the stairs and hear her thumping down each step
- >You bring her into the kitchen and open the door to your freezer and throw her in
- >”Why are you denying your –“
- >You slam the door
- >And they told you a walk in freezer was a dumb thing to have in your house
- >You showed them wrong
- >Fluttershy enters the kitchen and glares at you
- >”What did you do that for?”
- “What specifically?”
- >”You hurt Tree Hugger…”
- >She trembles and squints to fight back some tears
- >”And me.”
- >You sigh
- “Remember what I said earlier about being honest and not sending mixed signals?”
- >She meekly nodded
- “I should’ve followed my own advice. Back at Carousel Boutique I wanted to tell you that Tree Hugger found out my fetish and wanted to use me to get to you, but I hesitated cause I didn’t want you to know that she’d found out.
- “I figured I’d never get any rest if you knew.”
- >You take her hoof in your hand and stare into those eyes; tears streaming down them as she frowns
- “Look, I’m sorry Fluttershy, but even with you knowing my fetish, there’s just no way that we’re ever going to be together.”
- >Her jaw drops and she starts shivering
- >Then she falls down on her rump and hangs her head
- >”I thought once I knew… when she came to me and said she’d found it I…”
- >You pat the seat next to you on the floor and she looks down before limping over
- >She snuggles up to your side and you drape your arm over her
- “I want to be friends still, I really do, but you knowing my fetish is really going to make that hard.”
- >Fluttershy doesn’t say anything
- “I like you for you, I always will, just not in that way.”
- >The Shy pony gets up and sulks out of your kitchen
- >You hear the front door open and close and you’re left to sit there and ponder all that has happened
- >”Let me out of here!”
- >You hear Tree Hugger pounding on the freezer door
- “Not until all those fleas are dead! There’s running water and some soap in there too that I want you to use!”
- >Your cleaning supplies from when Fluttershy rubbed all of your food on her vagina
- >Although you doubt that hippie pony even knows how to bathe
- >Fluttershy exhales, “So that’s my situation. Does anypony want to help?”
- >The five girls avoid Fluttershy’s gaze as they search the room, except for Pinkie who is playing with a paddleball
- >”Um, Pinkie Pie?”
- >”So let me get this straight,” says Pinkie as she pulls out her bubble pipe. “You want to have fun with just the three of us? Me, you, and Nonny?”
- >Fluttershy nods and Pinkie smiles.
- >”Of course I’ll help you then, Fluttershy.”
- >”Really? Oh that would be wonderful.”
- >Pinkie gasps, “But wait. Why stop at just three when you could have four, or five, or even six?!”
- >”Pinkie –“
- >”It could even be a party! Oh my gosh Fluttershy you have to let me turn this into a party.”
- >”I don’t –“
- >”I have to go get streamers and party poppers,” she says as she runs out the door. “Don’t start without me!”
- >Fluttershy sighs and looks at the other girls with puppy dog eyes.
- >”Darling while the idea of a threesome does sound rather adventurous I’m afraid I’m going to have to turn it down. And I also don’t want to be anywhere near those disgusting fleas.”
- >”Yeah me too sugar cube. Ah don’t think I’d feel comfortable bein’ with you and Anon when it’s a relationship you want.”
- >”Anon is cool and all but I don’t really want to, like, let him rut me or anything. No offense, Fluttershy.”
- >Fluttershy looks to Twilight expectantly.
- >”How about you, Twilight? Are you sure you wouldn’t want to do it for research purposes or something?”
- >”I’m going to have to decline as well, Fluttershy.”
- >”Are you sure you don’t want to think about it? It would be a new experience for you.”
- >”I’ve had sex.” Twilight blurts out.
- >Fluttershy puts a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, “I was talking about the threesome. I didn’t mean to imply that you were a v –“
- >”I know that,” she interrupts with a blush. “I don’t want fleas in my mane, that’s all.”
- “I don’t see why I had to be here for this.”
- >The others all start finding excuses to leave as you, Fluttershy, and Twilight hang back in the throne room of her castle
- “Are you done now, Fluttershy?”
- >”Um…”
- >She blushes and begins chewing on her hooves as she desperately searches for a way for this to work
- >Suddenly Spike walks in with a stack of books
- >”Spike do you want –“
- >You, Spike, and Twilight all scream “No” in unison
- >Fluttershy gives a quiet apology and you get up to leave
- “Well I’m going home, Fluttershy.”
- >You have to hurry and get your mail before Derpy makes her second round and forgets that it isn’t outgoing and takes your bills away again
- >”Are we still on for supper, Anon?”
- “Yeah sure.”
- >…
- “But don’t bring anyone.”
- >You hear her sigh and you roll your eyes
- >You arrive at home and grab the mail
- >Before you go inside you open a trunk on your porch and pull out a brand new kite
- >And you throw it into the foliage of the tree next to you and head inside as you hear the leaves rustle
- >If you don’t feed that tree once a week it’ll just start tapping your window relentlessly with its branches
- >In your bedroom you start going through your mail
- >You scratch the flea bites on your leg as you sort through the junk and the bills
- >Equestrian fleas are something else
- >You’ve cleaned this carpet at least twenty times in this last month and you still have fleas
- >This whole carpet will probably have to be ripped away
- >Something in the mail catches your eye; specifically a green envelope
- >You open it and find what looks like a packet inside; the pages held together with string through a hole punch
- >It says it’s from Tree Hugger
- >Think of the devil you suppose
- >The first page is a letter telling you about how she was approached by a stallion at her commune after you forced her to bathe herself
- >She goes on to say she’s in a relationship now and she knew that the “good vibes” from your actions would help her out in the long run
- >And the rest of it just looks like free verse new age poetry and random sketches of nature, fertility and female anatomy
- >Well you know what to do with this
- >You toss it in the waste basket and throw a lit match in so nobody will be exposed to the imagination of that weirdo
- >The smoke starts to fill the room and you get up to open a window
- >But wait…
- >This smoke seems familiar
- >Like it’s really thick and woodsy
- >Kind of smells like the halls of your college dorm
- >And shit all this standing is wearing you out
- >You go lie on the bed and stare at your ceiling
- >That spackle looks like some dude getting a blowie from an octopus
- >Fuck now you can’t stop laughing
- >For some reason you’re starving
- >You wonder if you have any chips
- >Man you gotta hear some tunes right now
- >Totally have to go looking for records…
- >Maybe later
- >Is that paper still burning?
- >The smoke is starting to hang around the top of the ceiling
- >It’s like fog or something
- >Pretty cool
- >You hear someone open your door
- >Shit man who the fuck is that?
- >”Anon are you ready?”
- >That voice is Fluttershy’s
- >Alright that’s cool
- >God you’re thirsty
- >Like some kinda desert oasis in your mouth
- >Wait oasis is like water
- >Shit now you’re laughing again
- >Fluttershy opens the door and gasps for some reason
- >”Anon what happened? Did you do this?”
- “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”
- >Fluttershy grabs your wastebasket and runs off with it
- >Guess you’ll have to get another…
- >Maybe later
- >She comes back and opens up a window
- >Fuck that breeze is cool today
- >”Anon why did you burn that paper Tree Hugger sent you?”
- >Fluttershy is all sad and stuff
- “Just relax and let’s get something to eat.”
- >”Anon?”
- “I don’t know if I have any snacks, but I’ll definitely go get some later.”
- >Fluttershy closes the door and locks it
- >Then she gets in your face
- >God those eyes are adorable
- >Even when they’re all sad and shit
- >”Anon that was hemp paper. You may be feeling strange right now, but I’m going to help you get through this.”
- “I’m starving.”
- >”I know sweetie.”
- >She hugs you and pets your back
- >”It’s going to be alright.”
- >It is?
- >…
- >Awesome
- >You pull her close to you and run your fingers through her soft yogurt mane
- “I’m glad you’re my friend, Fluttershy.”
- >She kisses you on the cheek and you feel your smile fade away
- >Why would she do that?
- >Fluttershy’s demeanor goes blank and she hides behind her mane
- >”I’m sorry I did that, Anon. I just –“
- >You burst out laughing for some reason and Fluttershy looks at you with confusion
- >Then she slowly starts to blush and giggle softly with you
- >”I’m glad we’re friends too, Anon.”
- >You spend the rest of the day hanging out with, Fluttershy
- >But you sure wish you had some damn snacks right now
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