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- >Day This Is Not Lordran in Equestria.
- >You are Havel The Rock.
- >And this is most certainly not Lordran.
- >It's too bright.
- >Too colorful.
- >It angers you.
- >You hate it.
- >And what you hate even more is magic.
- >And Seath the Scaleless.
- >It was probably his doing that you were here.
- >This angers you further.
- >Three small horses stand in front of you.
- >They are not colorful.
- >This pleases you.
- >They have wings of bats, which could be the result of magic.
- >This angers you!
- >"Hi!"
- >One speaks.
- >You kneel down to its eye-level.
- >All three of them have slitted eyes.
- >"My name is Echo!"
- >The dark blue-haired one accosts you.
- "My name is Havel The Rock of Thorolund, ex-Bishop of the Way of the White Covenant, now loyal knight to his glorious Sun, Lord Gwyn."
- >"Glorious Sun?"
- >The dark turquoise-haired one speaks.
- >"Do you mean Princess Celestia?"
- >You shake your head, your large helmet not revealing this.
- "No, I do not mean that. I mean Lord Gwyn."
- >"Apologies, sir. My name is Midnight, and the p0ny you just spoke to is Speck."
- >You sigh loudly and pick up your Dragon Tooth and shield.
- "Where am I?"
- >The first one... Echo, speaks up.
- >"Equestria."
- "This is not Lordran."
- >"Never heard of it."
- >You start walking across the field in which you stand.
- >"Where are you going?"
- >You point into the distance, toward a large mountain with a castle built onto its side.
- "That castle."
- >Speck screeches and flies in front of you.
- >"You're going to Canterlot?! Can we come?!"
- >This one is excitable.
- >It's endearing.
- "Nay, 'tis not a journey such small creatures should make."
- >All three of them have a snicker fit.
- >Their keekeekee's ring through your helmet.
- >"Wow, Mister Havel, you're quite batty aren't you?"
- >You look at Echo.
- >"That journey's easy! We can wing it!"
- >You look at Speck.
- >"Pff, that trip ain't no fang."
- >You look at Midnight.
- >Seath will pay for this.
- >You very calmly start walking across the field.
- >The three p0nies follow you.
- >You stop in front of a large apple tree.
- >"Are you already tired, Mister Havel?"
- "No, merely... angry."
- >You lift your Dragon Tooth and size up the tree.
- >You slip your shield onto your back and hold your weapon with both hands.
- "Stand back, small horses."
- >They take a few steps back and you swing as hard as you can.
- >The tree explodes, wooden shrapnel and apples flying everywhere.
- >A collective, loud gasp sounds behind you.
- >You turn to see all three of them staring wide-eyed at you.
- >You step up to them and kneel in front of them.
- "NO MORE PUNS, UNDERSTAND?"
- >They all nod and whimper.
- >You hated Seath.
- >You hated magic.
- >You hated bright and colorful things.
- >And you hated puns and jokes.
- >Positive was not a thing you felt.
- "Come, we continue our journey."
- >You turn and lead them towards Clip-a-clop, or whatever they called it.
- >Several hours later, you arrive at the gates of the city.
- >The guards glare at you and your companions.
- >You would glare at them too, but you were currently focused on the guards.
- >"We can't let you in. The Gala is due to start, and the city is closed."
- >You turn to the bat p0nies.
- >Each one of them now wears an elegant dress.
- >You won't ask.
- >You will only be angered by this obvious display of magic.
- >You turn to the guards and lift your club in anger.
- "LET ME THROUGH, OR SO HELP ME LORD GWYN I WILL END YOU."
- >The guards' horns glow as they try to assault you with their magic.
- "MAGIC DOES NOT HARM HAVEL THE ROCK! HAVEL THE ROCK HARMS MAGIC!"
- >You pull out a talisman and cast your Great Magic Barrier miracle.
- >You hold your club with two hands and swing it at the guards.
- >The first one manages to duck, but the second... not so lucky.
- >He screams as he falls down the mountain-side.
- "LET ME THROUGH, OR HIS FATE WILL BE YOURS!"
- >The guard cowers and opens the gate.
- >It doesn't open fast enough for your liking.
- >You smash it open with your Dragon Tooth.
- >The three bat p0nies cheer and screech as they follow you into the city.
- >Speck taps at your helmet and points toward the castle.
- >"Come on! We're gonna be late!"
- >The bat p0nies speed off.
- >You give chase.
- >You run fast, despite how heavy your armor is.
- >Squats and oats, as they say.
- >You come upon the front entrance to the castle.
- >More guards stand around the castle's front gardens.
- >They pay you no heed.
- >The bat p0nies have disappeared into the crowd of other, smaller, more colorful horses.
- >Many of them use magic to hold their drinks or food.
- >Too many times today, have you been angered.
- >You will take this up with Princess Celestia herself.
- >And then with Lord Gwyn!
- >You walk into the castle.
- >A large hallway with a large door on the end of it, and many other entrances lining the sides of the hall.
- >The large door at the end is blocked off by guards.
- >You approach them.
- "Where is Princess Celestia?"
- >One guard points behind you, to the third entrance on the right of the hallway.
- >You thank the guard and head down that path.
- >Another hallway.
- >You sigh and start your trek to its end.
- >A large room with many ponies, a staircase, and a large white horse with a multicolor mane, and a smaller, but still large, dark blue horse with a mane of stars.
- >Obviously the gods of this world.
- >You approach them.
- >Three small bat p0nies immediately speed past you and latch onto the darker horse.
- >You scream at them.
- "IS THAT ANY WAY TO TREAT A GOD, YOU RUDE, DESECRATIVE, INSUFFERABLE LITTLE PESTS?!"
- >You hold your club up at them, threateningly.
- >They back off of the darker horse.
- >She thanks you.
- >Both of the large horses stare at you, looks of curiosity and fear on their faces.
- >You kneel in front of the white one and offer her your hand.
- >"No, rise. Who are you?"
- >The white one addresses you.
- >You stand and clear your throat.
- "I am Havel The Rock of Thorolund, ex-Bishop of the Way of the White Covenant, current knight of the glorious Sun, Lord Gwyn of Lordran."
- >She has a surprised expression on her face.
- >"Glorious Sun? Lord Gwyn? Hmm. I know not of him, but I am the Princess of the Sun, Celestia."
- >Princess of the Sun?
- >You kneel once again.
- "Gwynevere, 'tis an honor to be in thy presence."
- >"Gwynevere? No, no. My name is Celestia. Cel-es-tia."
- >You stand again.
- "How did I get here?"
- >She shrugs.
- >"I believe we should use a later time to discuss that, and see if we can find a solution. In the mean time, please. Enjoy the festivities."
- >Your stomach growls.
- >You will not protest to a free meal.
- "Very well. I will return soon."
- >The three bat p0nies finish harassing the dark horse and follow you.
- >They squeal and gossip about having met the Princess of the Night.
- >Whatever that means.
- >You sit at a large table with a dozen other p0nies and your three companions.
- >Echo and Midnight went out into the garden to hunt down small animals.
- >They now drank their blood.
- >At the table.
- >They disgust you.
- >Speck, on the other hand, simply ate some fruit.
- >She was much quieter than the other two.
- >Did it have something to do with her not drinking blood?
- >That wasn't your business, nor did you care.
- >You picked an apple up and held it to your helmet.
- >Several p0nies and Echo stared at you as you smashed it through your helmet's face holes.
- >You didn't actually eat the apple.
- >You just smashed it against your helmet.
- >And you were sustained from it.
- >It was not something you questioned.
- >It was efficient, as you never had to take your armor off.
- >"I say, that is more abhorrent than those two... vile bats drinking blood at the table."
- >You stand.
- >You turn to the offending horse.
- "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE HORSE? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I WAS THE TOP BISHOP IN THE ENTIRE WAY OF THE WHITE COVENANT, AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN NUMEROUS SECRET RAIDS ON THE DRAGON SEATH THE SCALELESS, AND I HAVE OVER THREE HUNDRED CONFIRMED HUMANITIES..."
- >You start to trail off as you run out of breath, opting to simply flip the massive table.
- >"I-I'm very sorry sir, I did not mean to... eep."
- >You pick the horse up by its throat and start screaming in its face once again.
- "ARE YOU MOTHER FUCKING SORRY!?"
- >He tries to nod.
- "TOO BAD, YOU INSIGNIFICANT MAGIC-USING PIECE OF DUNG."
- >You turn and throw him through the large glass windows behind you.
- >Several p0nies start clapping and cheering.
- >One walks up to you and places a hoof on your armor.
- >"Thank you, dear. Nop0ny likes him."
- >You hold your arms out to your sides, palms upturned.
- >Midnight floats in front of your face, holding a very large watermelon.
- >Don't even think about it.
- "Don't you dare."
- >She dares.
- >She smashes the watermelon into your helmet.
- >You can't even be angry.
- >You brought that upon yourself.
- >The other p0nies that sat at your table begin moving to another room.
- >The one with her hoof on your armor says the ball dancing is about to begin.
- >All three of your companions scream in unison and start pushing, pulling, and dragging you to the ballroom.
- "Absolutely not."
- >Echo displays large puppy eyes.
- >Speck threatens to cry.
- >Midnight huffs and pouts and stomps about.
- >You refuse.
- >"Pleaaaase Havel?"
- "No."
- >"Come on, Mister Havel! Please?"
- "No!"
- >Midnight finally chimes in.
- >"Come on. It'll be fun."
- "NOOOOOO!!!"
- >You hate fun so much.
- >It ranks up there with magic.
- >You stomp around the ball room, picking up random p0nies and throwing them at other p0nies.
- "I hate fun!"
- >You throw another.
- "I hate dancing!"
- >You grab a large ice sculpture and hold it over your head.
- "And I especially hate this world!"
- >You throw it down and smash it to bits.
- "SUN HORSE WHERE ARE YOU! WE HAVE BUSINESS!"
- >The large white horse runs into the room.
- >"What is all of this noise? Why is the ice sculpture shattered? Why are there p0nies lying on the floor?"
- >She looks up at you and raises a brow.
- >"Oh. I shouldn't even be surprised. After several thousand years of putting up with everything."
- >She sighs and shakes her head.
- >"Come with me, Havel."
- >You follow her.
- >Your companions follow you.
- >Both princesses, you, and your companions sit in a small room.
- >"You came here with a dimension walking spell."
- >MAGIC!
- >You roar aloud.
- >"My sister and I know a spell that can get you home."
- >Praise the sun!
- >"But we will only use it on one condition."
- "Name it."
- >"Take us with you."
- >Lord Gwyn would probably enjoy having a horse.
- >And you like how the dark one lacks any real color to her.
- "Deal."
- >"What about us?!"
- >Echo pipes up.
- "What about you?"
- >Speck waves a hoof in front of your helmet.
- >"We wanna go on more adventures with you!"
- "Absolutely not."
- >Celestia chuckles.
- >"Oh come now, Havel. I think they'd have fun."
- >You sigh.
- "Fine. But if you die, it will not be my fault. Remember to tap your bonfires and keep your estus flasks handy."
- >Midnight stares at you with a curious look.
- >All of them do.
- >"Die?"
- >"Estrus flask?"
- >"Bonfire?"
- >This was going to be an absolutely dreadful experience.
- >"Ready, Havel?"
- >A portal opens up in the middle of the room.
- >Lordran.
- >Your home.
- >And home of Lord Gwyn.
- >You step through, all five p0nies following you into Lordran.
- >Specifically, the Firelink Shrine.
- >And a truly dreadful adventure awaits.
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