Back in the day, dark thoughts were a constant state of mind. Absolutely no path with  good outcome in sight, daily abuse, fear and misery. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Hyperbole and a Half describes the state pretty well in depression/depression part two, but at the time, I have not yet found the strength to choose to live. I was stuck in limbo, not ready to fall but not ready to get up either.

I would often distract myself with learning. I have been spending quite a bit of time on 420 chan at the time, not really for visiting the drug boards, but their hobby and free discussion boards. The general public on that chan seemed more chill, thoughtful, open minded and less full of "sharp-edged-ball-of-sandpaper" or agressive/gloomy types of people compared to 4chan. I've read some experiences of people doing psychedelics and deliriants on there, which was interesting. That pushed me to study effects of psychoactive substances on people, both negative and positive, and how it affects lives in the long run.

After being in said limbo for a while, I have started seeking out something to change my perception. It was almost unbearable. I was taking antidepressants at the time, but they weren't doing much. I eventually stopped. After some research I've discovered LSA, which is legal where I live, and it's known for being mind-elevating, a thought trip, rather than funky visuals or dream like experiences which you can't remember later. That sounded perfect for me, so I ordered some Hawaiian baby woodrose seeds.

I spent the day before taking them fasting and kind of soaking in my thoughts and feelings. I took them at around 7pm, with some carbonated lime drink, to make swallowing the purgent-tasting ground seeds easier. I took a shower beforehand, and was wearing a soft bathrobe. I was given advice to avoid anything artificial on myself, so I didn't bother to get dressed, to put makeup on or to dry my hair. I sat back at my PC, and turned a colourful chained light that softly glimmered by my ceiling, awaiting the trip. After about 15 minutes, I started feeling tingly.

After about half an hour, no more notable changes happened. I felt slightly nauseous. I left my PC and went to the other room that had brighter lighting, and turned on the TV. After watching the show that was on for a while, I started noticing things on the screen kind of popping out, or lagging every now and then. My nausea was gone, and my legs and arms felt heavy, yet moving them was easy once I actually tried doing it. I've noticed that I could feel my skin, and everything it was touching more vividly.

I turned off the tv, and got up with intention to come back to my room. There are big mirrors in the room, and I was momentarily petrified by the sight of myself. I felt curious. It didn't feel like it was me. I wanted to come closer, so I did - I gently touched the mirror. We pressed our palms together. I looked into her eyes, and I saw fear, pain. I saw death. I wanted to help her, to comfort her. I just kind of stood there, with my forehead against the mirror, soothing her. I felt calm.

I spent quite a bit of time touching things around the house, as well as my own skin. It felt amazingly good, soft, the texture was clear and vibrant. I've also had a moment where I felt as if I was looking out from inside of my eyeballs. It was caused by me being able to see all the little blood vessels in them, as my brain no longer ignored them and I could see the world like that at will whenever I focused. My senses were much stronger than they usually are, yet it was not overwhelming, because the strongest senses were the ones I focused my mind on, like an on-off switch.

I went back to my room, and sat back at the pc. I thought I spent at least an hour in the other room, but in reality it was about 10 minutes. My perception of time was greatly slowed down.

I played some music. And, holy shit, it was the best thing I have felt in my life, up to that point. I could physically feel the sound waves in my bones, my brain, around me in the air. It was gently caressing me, taking me along with it to fly. Everything sounded crystal clear, creamy and wonderfully detailed. I heard things in my favourite songs I have never heard before. I spent the majority of my trip with music in the background from this point on.

I felt pretty hungry, as I haven't eaten anything anything for over 24 hours. I had some chips I've bought in preparation to the trip. I tried eating them, but I had to stop shortly, as they tasted like plastic. I've noticed that any processed/artificially flavoured food tasted like plastic [oil] and sometimes like iron. I also had apples, so I ate those instead. It tasted great and it was very refreshing.

The seeds, in their raw nature, brought me much closer to nature and my own senses than I normally am. Anything foreign or unnatural felt out of place and not as pleasant as things of the earth.

Physical effects aside, I had a much easier time thinking, and questioning things. I was no longer stuck. I was free, on a different plane than my suffering, and I could see and assess it from the side. I told myself some stories I made on the spot - out loud, because it was nice hearing my voice - and some of them correlated to what I was feeling or going through really well. I wasn't trying to make those stories, they flowed out as free thought. Each of those stories had an outcome. In the end, I had all the answers that I needed in my own head. In fact, I had everything I - or any other human might need, right here. It was a nice and reassuring realization. It was hard for me to see that before, as I was kind of boxed in. My reality was just one shade, one story, but that is not how human nature is. The box is, in fact, a big network, and the boxes have openings you can crawl out of into the land they are built on. It is hard to see as you focus on yourself, but there are so many things outside of your current fate that are a possible destination, a possible thing to enjoy, to take in.

I went out for a walk. The sky was a bright dark blue, with some lighter hues by the horizon from the sunset. I enjoyed the feeling of wind on my skin, the smell of grass, leaves and bark, as well as gentle mist soaking into everything. The smell of wet dust.

I laid down on the grass and looked into the sky. I could see stars, and the sky gently rippled - it seemed like the stars were dancing. I watched that dance, mesmerized. I felt so small, yet I was part of the dance, a witness. I was invited to the dance of stars, lightyears apart, as was everyone and everything else that was able to witness it. It was a sense of unity, appreciation of life and things that give it. I felt as if the sky embraced me, as did the earth below me. I felt at home, where I belong, and I felt immensely happy. The dance of stars and the gentle wind and smells around me was one of the most memorable experiences from the trip. I felt loved and accepted then, both by myself and the world and that feeling stayed with me for a long while after the trip.

My perception of time started coming back to normal after about 5 hours into the trip. My senses were still elevated when I went to sleep, and I drifted away with a gentle buzz. I woke up in the morning feeling great. For quite a long time after that, I was mindful with what I put in my body, and I was kinder to those around me, even if they were not kind to me. I was happy with the outcome of the trip, and, thank the dancing stars, no longer felt like ending my life.