AiE Grab Bag (by Shukaku) One Shot: Brofire

>You sit outside the door, tapping your foot impatiently
>From inside the classroom, you can hear Spitfire speaking to the new blood
>Well...yelling is probably more accurate
>You hadn't met this group of wanna-be Wonderbolts yet
>A chuckle escapes you as you imagine their fear stricken faces trying to meet the captain's eyes
>She really knew how to put the fear of god into a cadet
>Pity most of them will probably never get to know the Spitfire that you do
>Their loss, you suppose...
>Suddenly the door opens and you see the bright yellow pegasus eying you over her shades
>She whispers to you
>"Come on, Anon.  It's show time"
>You groan and get up from the bench
"Already?  But I was having so much fun sitting out here, cap"
>She hisses at you
>"Dude, quit whining and get your flank in gear before I pulverize it!"
>A smirk begins to form on your lips
"Mmmm, you know I like it when you talk dirty"
>She struggles to suppress a grin of her own
>"Just get in here, you big goof..."
>You sigh and move toward the door
>Before you can enter, she blocks your path
>"And PLEASE try to be serious this time?  This is kind of important to me, you know"
>Spitfire looks at you, pleadingly
>Another sigh.  You know you really should heed her request
>Giving you this job and being your friend was really great of her
>Ah, what the hell.  You can be serious for a day
>You draw yourself up and salute your superior officer
"Yes, ma'am"
>She smiles and returns the salute
>"Thanks, dude"
>Quick as a whip, she turns on her hoof and reenters the classroom with you following in tow
>All eyes turn to your, relative to them, hulking form and the cadets gasp
>That "just seen an alien" look never gets old to you
>While you suppress a few giggles at their expense, Spitfire addresses the class
>"Cadets!  This is Lieutenant Anonymous!  He is not from here, as even you maggots can probably tell.  However, his species knows a great deal about all forms of flight!"
>The cadets regard you incredulously
>You've seen that look so many times before
>You know exactly what's going through their minds
>A hoof goes up
>Here it comes...
>"Oh, well look at what we've got here!  Somep0ny wants to ask the most glaringly obvious question, rather than wait for me to explain!"
>Spitfire practically bores a hole into the cadet's skull with her gaze
>She turns to you
>"Lieutenant?  Care to enlighten these miserable little feather brains?"
>You place your hands behind your back and throw your chest out proudly
"By flapping my arms very, very hard!"
>You see their looks of shock and snicker
>Before Spitfire can yell at you for joking, you continue
"You newbies will believe anything, won't you?  Machines, cadets!  Magnificent flying machines is how my species flies!"
>You bend down to the trembling cadet
"That was your question, wasn't it?"
>"Y-Yes, sir!"
>You stand back up, swiftly
"True, my species does not have the natural advantages that yours does in terms of achieving flight.  I have no feathers or wings, my bones are much more dense, and I weigh quite a bit more than you all..."
>You turn to a particularly large, white pegasus with tiny wings
"Well, except maybe for him..."
>You ignore his sheepish grin as you continue
"Now!  Given the fact that my species has extensive knowledge of the mechanics of flight, Captain Spitfire has done you all the great courtesy of letting me instruct you maggots on some of the finer points of aerodynamics!"
>The cadets groan ever so slightly
>Big mistake
>"Hey!  I didn't drag the Lieutenant all the way up from the ground so you all could bitch and moan about getting a lecture!  Now pay attention, because there WILL be a test in a week and if you don't pass, you will sit through this class again AFTER you give me 500 laps!"
>The cadets decide that rapt attention is a better alternative to more PT
>Spitfire turns to you
>"Lieutenant, the floor is yours"
>You nod
>"Thank you, ma'am"
>Your lecture begins and progresses as it always does
>You detailing the mechanics of lift, drag, air flow, etc. while the cadets struggle to keep their eyes open
>Truth be told, you knew this wasn't the most exciting subject matter for most p0nies, or even most humans, but you loved it all the same
>Flying had been your life back home, and you were relieved to find it existed in some form here
>When you finally hit the historical section, (Wright brothers, Charles Lindbergh, the World Wars, and so on), you see the cadets start to become more interested
>Just as you're about to get to Chuck Yeager, one of the instructor p0nies enters the room and signals to the captain
>Apparently, Spitfire's attention is needed elsewhere and she leaves the cadets in your care
>Not before brushing your side and shooting you a look, however
>Yeah, yeah...best behavior
>Darn...and you had a whole joke lined up comparing the sound barrier to a hymen
>She would've loved that...at least in private
>With Spitfire gone, you go about continuing the lecture...
>When without warning, an idea strikes you
>No...no, you couldn't do that...they would never fall for it
>But you've been wanting to for so long, and now you had your chance!
>You abruptly stop lecturing and turn to your cadets
>The fresh, young, impressionable faces all stare at you, waiting for you to continue
>Oh, you can't resist and you know it
"You know, before I continue, there's a certain...tradition that needs to be performed before I can finish teaching you all about the human innovation of powered flight"
>You turn back to the board and begin to scribble all the lyrics you can remember to one of the greatest songs in the world
>Trying desperately not to laugh, you step to the side and point at the words
"Now, this is a very old song that those fighter pilots I told you about would sing before they would fly, headlong, into battle.  You could say it's something of a war chant"
>The cadets' expressions light up.  They're probably just excited to not be getting more history lessons
>This is going to be easier than you thought...
"The melody is fairly simple, so I'm going to start and I want you to pay attention and sing along once you think you've got it, alright?"
>The room resounds with a chorus of "Yes, sir!"
>Music begins to play from...somewhere
>You didn't try to understand how background tunes just suddenly seemed to play from nowhere, you just tried to enjoy it
>Here goes nothing...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wK74kZoyEXw
[spoiler]Follow the bouncing ball, kids![/spoiler]

"Those magnificent men
in their flying machines,
They go up diddley up-up,
they go down diddley down-down!

They entrance all the ladies
and steal all the scenes,
With their up diddley up-up
and their down diddley down-down.

Up! down! Flying around!
Looping the loop
and defying the ground!"

>Within a minute or two, the cadets all gain looks of shock and horror
>Without breaking your rhythm, you glare at them
>They take your hint and soon join in

"They're all frightfully keen.
Those Magnificent men
in their flying machines!

They can fly upside down
with their feet in the air!
They don't think of danger;
they really don't care!

Newton would think he
had made a mistake!
To see those young men
and the chances they take!

Those magnificent men
in their flying machines,
They go up diddley up-up,
they go down diddley down-down!"

>The whole room of cadets is now raucously belting out the upbeat song, with you leading them through the lyrics
>As both you, and the music close with a flourish, you hear a low groan from the doorway
>Ah, dammit
>You turn to see Spitfire, her hoof firmly planted on her face
"Ah!  Uh...Captain Spitfire!  You just missed my leading the class in an old human war chant!  You see..."
>"Lesson's over, maggots!  Be at the runway in 5!  Move it!"
>They all jump out of their desks and scurry for the door, leaving just you and Spitfire in the room
"So..."
>You rock back and forth on your heels
"Pretty awesome battle song, huh?"
>She sighs and removes her glasses
>"Dude, really?  Is that really a human war chant?"
>You just shrug
"What can I say?  When humans go to war, we do it in style"
>"Uh huh, sure..."
"Oh, come on, Spits.  Don't tell me that wasn't hilarious"
>She tries to force back a chuckle, but it escapes her
>"You know, I've seen a lot of instructors pull some crazy stuff on the cadets in my day, but that one's pretty good, I have to admit"
>Her warm smile fades suddenly
>A smirk replaces it
>"You know what would be even funnier, though?  You helping the cadets with the next exercise..."
>You raise an eyebrow at her
"You do know that just because I can sing about magnificent flying machines it doesn't mean that I actually have one, right?"
>Spitfire replaces her sunglasses and laughs
>"Maybe not, but you do have something that can help...because the next exercise is...well, you know what I'm talking about"
>She winks at you and your heart drops
"Oh, no. No no no no.  No.  Not again.  Not EVER again"
>Spitfire draws herself up, making herself look more imperious
>"I don't have to order you to do it, do I, Anonymous?"
>Goddamn it
"No..."
>She giggles
>"Great!  Come on, bro, it'll be fun.  You always end up having fun when you do it"
>Defeated, you two make your way out of the classroom and to your quarters, where you grab the suit and begin to put it on
"I still REALLY hate the beginning part of this whole thing..."
>"You mean the speech?  But you love talking...a little too much, I think"
>You grunt, adjusting the buckles
"Not that, smart ass...the part after that"
>Spitfire sighs
>"You'll be fine..."
>You finish putting on the suit and grab your goggles
>"Remember, dude...I've got your back in case anything goes wrong"
>As you make your way out of the room, she stops you with a hoof
>Her eyes meet yours.  Warmth seems to emanate from her gaze
>"I've ALWAYS got your back"
>Despite your trepidation, you can't help but smile back at her, ruffling her orange mane
>She lets out a giggle and you two make your way out of the academy, down to the runway
>As you approach the group of cadets, they straighten up and salute
>Not bothering to return the gesture, you continue past them
"Come on, maggots, keep moving"
>The cadets follow you and Spitfire to the edge of the cliff, where your promptly turn around and begin to address them
>Struggling to bury your fear at what is to come, you begin your rehearsed speech
"All of you have been flying since you were very young.  You all know how to hover, dive, roll, and even perform several acrobatic feats.  That is not what we are here to teach you, however"
>You eye them all with a steely gaze, causing them to stand at attention
"As you all are aware, the Wonderbolts are the best flyers in Equestria.  But one does not join their ranks simply by performing the same flying behavior that any pegasus in the country can do before they graduate elementary school"
>A grin creeps across your face, the fear in your heart beginning to dissolve
"Which is why today, cadets, we're not going to teach you how to fly...today..."
>You bend down to their level and speak softly
"...We're going to teach you how to fall"
>Somehow, that last little bit seemed to make your speech not so inspirational, as the p0nies now regard you with uneasy stares
>Spitfire decides to nip their doubt in the bud
>"Hey!  I don't want to see that look on anyp0ny's face!  This is an important lesson, one that might someday save some p0ny's life!"
>The cadets snap back to attention, as Spitfire continues
>"Dive bombing is something you've probably all done before, but I can guarantee you, most of you have never even thought about doing it from this high up"
>She sticks her mug in the cadets' faces
>"If something happens to your flying partner, you need to be able to dive down and catch them.  Given that the Wonderbolts often perform high altitude maneuvers, you need to be able to follow them very far, if necessary, if you don't want to end up at their funeral"
>The p0nies gulp, as Spitfire's rather morbid message sinks in
>A hoof slowly begins to rise
>"Yes, cadet Dash?"
>The blue pegasus speaks up
>"Uh, no disrespect, ma'am, but why is he helping with this exercise?"
>Spitfire turns to you
>"Yes, Lieutenant, why are you helping out here?"
>Because you practically ordered me do it
"Because I know how to fall with style" you state, smirking
>"It's not the falling part I'm wondering about..." you hear Dash mutter
>Before Spitfire can chastise her, you turn your back to the p0nies and crouch down into a runner's stance
"Now, the way this works is, you're going to follow me as if your life depended on it.  You are NOT to so much as move a feather until you see me give the signal.  Don't worry, you'll know the signal when you see it"
>As you pull the goggles down over your eyes, you see Spitfire walk up next to you
>You grimace at her and she smiles, trying to reassure you
>She mouths "You'll be fine"
>You certainly hope so...
>Okay, Anon, time for glory
>You really hope it's the non-posthumous type of glory...
>Without so much as a second thought, you launch forward and begin to sprint towards the cliff edge
>With your back foot, you push off the side of the mountain and leap forward into the air, arms spread wide
>In that moment, you decide two things
>One, that you will never get over that initial feeling of vertigo that comes from jumping off this goddamn mountain
>And two, that this was a very, very bad idea and that you are going to come back from death as a ghost to haunt the shit out of Spitfire
>Before you can plan your undead revenge, you begin to fall
>Fast
>Luckily, training takes over and you bow your front half forward, slapping your arms down at your side, making your body straight as possible
>You, the human missile, are now staring down at the cloud layer, rapidly approaching it
>The harsh wind whips at your face, causing your lips to peel back, and your cheeks to inflate
>Down, down, you fall, the deafening roar of the air blocking out any and all other noise
>It's a good thing too, because you think you might be screaming
>Without changing your body's streamline shape too much, you turn your head to look behind you
>The cadets are all following dutifully, wings plastered to their sides, front legs outstretched
>Spitfire is behind you and to the right, the wind nearly threatening to tear her mane from her head
>She fixes you with a gaze filled with adrenaline
>You can see the fury, the passion in her eyes as you both scream towards the earth's surface
>She tries to shout at you
>A bit of lip reading reveals, "Buck yeah, Anon!"
>As always, her courage invigorates you, and you attempt to grin at her
>Turning your gaze earthbound, you shout your own roar of triumph
>Fuck airplanes
>This was speed
>This was flight
>This...was being alive
>Having long since passed the cloud layer, you and your little band of ballistic p0nies were getting closer and closer to the unforgiving surface
>Okay, Anon...got to time this right...
>Mentally counting the seconds, you wait for your moment...
>Now!
>You grip the sides of the suit and slam your legs together
>You feel a pulling sensation on your limbs before you whip them out, away from your body
>The positive g forces nearly cause you to black out, but you keep your tenuous hold over your consciousness
>The earth begins to slow it's impending approach and you move in a more horizontal fashion
>You wish you could see the look on the cadets' faces...
>Your flight suit had a stitching spell woven into it that enabled you attach its side flaps to your arms and legs, giving you the appearance, and limited flight capability, of a flying squirrel
>You quickly turn your head behind you to see that the shock of suddenly seeing a giant, flying monkey hasn't removed the cadets' ability to extend their own wings as they slow their descent to match yours
>Spitfire flies up next to you and beams
>You laugh and turn forward again
>Let's see if the cadets are ready for this...
>You tuck your arms in and close your legs, allowing you to fall a little bit faster, before opening up again to glide once more
>Another head turn reveals that Spitfire has gone back to assist some of the slower cadets
>Cadet Dash, on the other hand, is still relatively near you, struggling to keep up
>Not so cocky, now, huh?
>Something's off, though
>Dash looks panicked, as if she's trying to shout something at you
>What is she-
--------------------------
>You awake, your head ringing
>Where are you?  What happened?
>Opening your eyes, you wince
>Your legs and arms hurt pretty bad
>At least you could still feel them, though...
>A blue face suddenly encompasses your vision
>The ringing in your ears begins to quiet down and you finally are able to hear her
>"Lieutenant Anonymous!  Are you okay, sir?!"
>You groan
>No, you're not fucking okay...wait...
"Wh-Why can't I move?  Where am I?"
>What the...?  Why is Dash snickering at you?
"Explain to me why this is so hilarious, maggot"
>"Well, sir..."
>She's barely able to suppress her laughter
>"You, uh, you didn't quite make it all the way to the ground"
>What?
>You suddenly smell pine sap
>Oh, fuck...
"I'm stuck in a tree, aren't I?"
>Dash finally lets her laughter loose, rolling around in the air in front of you, guffawing at your misfortune
>You're not so entertained, as you look around at your bark-lined prison of tree branches
"God fucking dammit, Cadet Dash, get me unstuck right now!"
>Some of the other cadets arrive at the scene and join in Dash's laughter
>Fuuuuuuck!
>Dash sees your struggling and attempts to calm you down
>"Whoa, whoa, take it easy, sir.  We'll get you out.  But first..."
>She turns to her fellow cadets and the phantom music begins playing
"Cadet Dash, don't even think about-"
>It's too late, as she begins to lead them in song

"That magnificent Anon
with no flying machine,
he didn't go up diddley up-up,
he went down diddley down-down!"

>This is the worst moment of your life
>As you thrash against the branches, you scream
"Goddamnit, Dash!!  I will PT you 'till you fucking DIE!!"
>Luckily, Spitfire shows up before they can get too far into the song
>"Okay, break up the musical!  What's going on h-"
>She sees you and freezes, hovering in mid air
>"Oh...my...gosh...A-Anon?  Are you-"
"Yes" you reply, flatly
>Her eye twitches, her lip quivers
>Not her too...
>Suddenly, Spitfire erupts in a veritable geyser of snorting laughter
>You wish you had just died in the fall
>For a good minute, Spitfire laughs and laughs and laughs some more at your entertaining predicament
>The cadets marvel at seeing their typically harsh instructor completely losing herself to her laughter
>You just wish you could hate everyone to death
>When Spitfire finally calms down, she clears her throat, trying to look intimidating once more
>"I'm proud to say that you all performed admirably on your diving test.  You all could learn a lesson from the Lieutenant.  Anonymous is a creature that bears no wings or natural means of flight.  But that did not stop him from performing this test right alongside you all.  That is because Anonymous has no fear in his heart.  Something that if you wish be a Wonderbolt, you must learn to purge from your hearts as well"
>Spitfire turns to you, snickering slightly
>"And he didn't even have to use his parachute..."
>You roll your eyes
"Yes.  Splendid.  Wonderful.  Get me the fuck out of this tree...ma'am"
>Spitfire composes herself and shouts at the cadets
>"Now everyp0ny head back to the academy!  On the double, you maggots!"
>They promptly salute and speed away
>When they've left, Spitfire attempts to help you get unstuck...before falling into another laughing fit
>Death would have been far more preferable
-------------------------------
>When your few, minor sprains and cuts have been bandaged up, you decide that the one thing you need most right now is a drink
>Heading over to the officer's club, you spot a familiar yellow mare sitting at the bar
>And she already has a drink sitting next to her
>Maybe you'll forgive her, after all...
>Plopping down next to her, she turns and grins
>"Hey, you.  Didn't hurt anything major I hope?"
>You grunt
"Just my pride"
>She giggles and takes a swig of her beer
>"Ah, well, that heals pretty fast if you let it"
 "I'm more concerned about being able to show my face around the cadets again..."
>She shrugs
>"I wouldn't worry about that, Anon.  They really do respect you for diving with them"
>She gives you a warm smile
>"And so do I...this'll just be a funny little story that'll blow over if you don't make a big deal out of it, okay?  Just go in tomorrow and PT the shit out of anyp0ny who gives you grief about it.  You'll get the fear back in no time"
>You elicit a satisfied sigh after taking a healthy gulp of your beer
"I'm not really convinced fear is the best way to teach"
>Her expression falls
>"Anon, that's just the way things are done here, you know that.  And...and I really think you need to take things around here more seriously"
>You groan
>"No, listen to me, Anon!  You can't always just buck around.  Being serious about the training is part of what keeps everyp0ny safe"
>She frowns
>"I don't want anyp0ny getting hurt on my watch if I can help it...especially not you"
>She touches your arm with a hoof, pulling your eyes to hers
>Her face is filled with concern, making you feel a little guilty
>You probably could stand to show a little more discretion and tact...
>Sighing, you concede
"Okay, Spits, I'll try to take my job more seriously...just lay off the touchy feely stuff, alright?  I mean, shit, you don't have to act like I'm some stupid boyfriend to get my attention"
>You immediately wish you hadn't said that
>It didn't quite come out how you wanted it to
>Before you can apologize, she mutters under her breath
>"Ibland önskar jag att du var..."
>Whoa...
>Your head immediately snaps in her direction
>You had never heard her speak in a different language before
>You didn't even know she knew any other languages
"Spitfire...you...?"
>Her face immediately goes red
>"Oh, wow...I, uh...didn't mean for that to slip out"
"Why didn't...?"
>She turns to you, her eyes were filled with fear for some reason
"Why didn't you tell me you speak...whatever that was?"
>She blinks rapidly
>"Oh, you mean...you mean you didn't under-"
>She laughs
>It sounds a little forced
>"No, no of course, why would you?  Heh..."
"Care to explain?"
>She takes a quick gulp of her beer
>"Well, I'm not really from Cloudsdale, actually...Shireden's where I grew up"
>You turn to her, giving Spitfire your full attention
"Well, wherever you're from, if the p0nies there speak like that...it must be a lovely sounding place..."
>She smirks at you
>"Now who's being all touchy feely?"
"Yeah, yeah, I know, but seriously, Spits, that language sounds beautiful...say something else!  Please?"
>She rubs her chin, thoughtfully
>"Hmm.  So you like the sound of my native tongue, huh?"
>You furrow your brow
>Uh oh, where's she going with this?
>"Tell you what" she states, turning to you and smiling
>"Whenever I want you to take something seriously..."
>Her gaze narrows
>"And I mean, actually, really take it seriously...I'll say it to you in my language to get your attention and then translate, okay?"
>You sigh
"Fine..."
>She giggles and turns back to the bar
>"Good"
>You two share a comfortable moment of silence before you decide to ask the burning question in your mind
"So are you gonna translate what you said just now?
>"Nope"
"Fuck you"
>"In your dreams, Anon"

The End