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Boogie (Funk's Foals 8 contest entry)

Sep 23rd, 2013
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  1. > You are the owner of Boogie. A fluffy who is less of a fluffy and more of a giant mass of sentient blueberry jell-o.
  2. > But still a fluffy. He speaks like a fluffy, has the mindset of a fluffy. Likes spaghetti like a fluffy.
  3. > You got him from some weird bloke in a pointed hat and a beard. Looked like a character from a Harry Potter movie.
  4. > That’s the one with the midgets and the ring, right?
  5. > Anyway, you delivered pizza to him, and he asked if you’d take Boogie after he paid.
  6. > You remember how in the foolishness of your childhood, you kept begging your Dad for a pet Jellyfish. This could be the next best thing to a pet jellyfish, you reasoned with yourself.
  7. > And hell, little bastard seemed unique, so, on a whim, you said “What the hell?”.
  8. > You took him home in a box.
  9. > You fed him abit of canned spaghetti.
  10. > Which was…interesting…
  11. > He didn’t chew it. Didn’t put it in his mouth.
  12. > He kind of…phaged it.
  13. > His little jelly ‘arm’ stretched out and enveloped the plate. You watched the noodles slide up inside his body.
  14. > “dat was yummy, daddeh. Boogie wuvs spaghetti.”
  15. > He…talks very well for a fluffy…thing.
  16. > Playing was also interesting, as his favorite game involved you rolling him the ball, him phaging the ball and spitting it back at you through his mouth-crevasse-thing that he speaks out of. He would giggle hysterically after each tossback.
  17. > Another game he likes is when you put him on top of your stereo and turn it up really loud so he jiggles with the bass.
  18. > His laugh sounds like something between a gargle and a high-pitched boiling sound. That took abit to get used to.
  19. > Surprisingly, he moves about as fast as any normal fluffy. He kind of slides and slithers along floors and carpets, and doesn’t leave a slime-trail or anything.
  20. > There are only two problems that you have with Boogie.
  21. > One is an odd phobia of his.
  22. > The other has to do with his waste.
  23. > You attempted to bathe him, and he kept squirming, sliding and squiggling out of your arms.
  24. > “NU DADDEH! Too much wa’ta! Too much wa’ta is bad fow Boogie!”
  25. > He would pick up bits of hair and dust slithering everywhere.
  26. > Normally he would be fine with water, but too much water it seems scares him. You remember the first time you saw him drink- he put his little appendage in the waterbowl and drained it. It made a sucking sound, like a kid drinking the last bit of his milkshake.
  27. > So, you had to resort to wiping him down with a facecloth. Which he liked a lot better.
  28. > “heee, dat tickwes daddeh!”
  29. > That you can deal with.
  30. > His method of dealing with waste is a lot more screwy.
  31. > After digesting food (which seems to disappear in his gelatinous body), two rapidly growing oblong shapes begin to grow inside him.
  32. > One is brown and lumpen. The other is a mix of white and yellow and is pill shaped.
  33. > The former is a turd, plain and simple. The latter is an urate- literally a chunk of solidified urine. You’ve seen your friend’s pet Iguana pass one before. Freaked you right out.
  34. > If you allow these to get far too large, he will complain about “feewin’ sickies”.
  35. > You have to actually extract the two wretched things yourself. With gloves, obviously. This happens once a day. You throw them in the toilet and flush afterwards.
  36. > You’d call him cuddly.
  37. > If he could cuddle.
  38. > Mostly he just forms little appendages with which to hold onto you.
  39.  
  40. -
  41.  
  42. > Your sister, Sue, always used to have abit of an ant problem in her front yard.
  43. > So, after seeing a fly land on Boogie and get enveloped inside him (which led to him smacking his ‘lips’ and murmuring about “guud snackies”), you had an idea: why not just let Boogie roll around on her lawn for abit? Maybe sit on an anthill?
  44. > Your sister was hesitant at first- afraid he would destroy her shrubbery.
  45. > “Boogie won’t eat shwubbawy. Boogie dun wike gweens.” The little blob promised.
  46. > He can be quite the little charmer, it seems, because your sister relented.
  47. > She let him roll and slither around her front yard, gathering up ants, bugs, a few spiders…
  48. > Giggling his weird giggle all the while.
  49. > You watched him for a little while.
  50. > But eventually, nature called.
  51. > “Hey, Sue? Can I use your washroom?”
  52. > “Ah, sure thing, Jay. I’ll keep an eye on him.”
  53. > So, you went to the can.
  54. > Number two to be needlessly specific.
  55. > When you walked back outside, you beheld Boogie.
  56. > Who was laying around at least twelve giant piles of fluffy shit, with a dead fluffy floating inside of him, already being digested.
  57. > Sue was trying to clean up the crap.
  58. >…
  59. > “Jesus Fuck Sue! What the fuck happened here!?”
  60. > “I kept fucking calling you, Jay! What, couldn’t hear me over the sound of your own loud, stuttering farts!?”
  61. > “Auntie, pwease dun yeww at *hic* daddeh. Boogie feew fine. Hav sum guud speciaw hugs.”
  62. > You simply stared at Boogie.
  63. > Sue sighed. “I went inside for two minutes to get some coffee. When I came out, I found this.”
  64. > “Sum smawty and his dummy hewd twied to take Auntie’s yard! Cawwed Boogie an munsta. So Boogie show him. *hic*. Now Boogie wiww hav babbehs!”
  65. > “…Boogie, you’re a girl?” you asked.
  66. > “Dun know at dat is, daddeh.”
  67. > Then it dawned on you, Boogie is an ‘it’.
  68. > “Well…at least you don’t have to worry about ants. Why don’t you dump some of that in your garden? I hear fluffy crap is almost as good as normal fertilizer.”
  69. > With that, you took Boogie home.
  70. > In your mind, he’s still a ‘he’, regardless.
  71. > Hopefully some social justice yahoo won’t try to jump down your throat about it.
  72. > You watched him over the next few days. He drank normally, but didn’t eat anything.
  73. > The fluffy stuck inside him, however, slowly started to dissolve. Bits of fluff and flakes of skin sloughing off to reveal bone and tissue.
  74. > Then bone and tissue to nothingness. All the while he made cute hiccup sounds and giggled his weird giggle.
  75. > He was so full he couldn’t eve play his ball game.
  76. > You grew concerned that no turd or urate was forming. After the fifth day, you figured out why.
  77. > “BIG POOPIES!!!!!”
  78.  
  79. -
  80.  
  81. > You are the weird bloke with the beard and pointed hat.
  82. > You go by many names.
  83. > ‘Funkshire’ is one of them.
  84. > Though ladies and lady-esque beings call you ‘Big Daddy’.
  85. > You don’t wear a robe for nothing!
  86. > This evening, you had an unexpected surprise.
  87. > That pizza guy that you gave Boogie to came back. With two pizza boxes.
  88. > One held pizza.
  89. > The other box made strange gurgly cheeping noises. At first you thought it was a new type of pizza, but it turned out to be eight small gelatinous fluffy foals of different colors and temperament.
  90. > You spent around forty five minutes on your porch with that charming young lad, sharing pizza as he told you all about how Boogie was doing, how he/it reproduced and the like.
  91. > “I’m not sure who would want them.” He told you. “I hope you don’t mind that I brought them back here. I mean, you gave them to me, and I was hoping you’d be able to point me in the right direction.”
  92. > You considered it for a few minutes, and decided that you would take the spawnlings.
  93. > You’re wondering if any of the Wardens would care for a few of them.
  94. > The Lord of Death should most certainly, as well as the Boneman. Heck, maybe even the Noodleman would like one.
  95. > You can see the Chickenman just being annoyed with them, though.
  96. > There was one dark red spawnling they kept trying to phage its siblings though. It would kind of latch onto them and wiggle aggressively.
  97. > That one you’re going to keep. Can probably break it down into some alchemical components.
  98. > And you’re VERY interested in their ability to break down and dissolve things.
  99. > Like your poor shoes.
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