dec 9 – wanted to kill myself, tried to find some pills, couldn't, broke down crying.
Sarah still won't give me a chance.
I will never understand the concept of how, if I were to kill myself now;
"if you want to kill yourself, do it and don't tell us that way we can be mad and feel bad" like wut?
The deadline is still alive. (heh)
Why doesn't she love me like she used to? after all the promises...
My words don't have the same weight they used to
I don't understand, when im dead she'll wish I told her, but she wouldn't have helped, she would have hurt me.
still resisting the urge to self harm
it seems ironic... or silly that I need to hide my depression to get help. No its fucked up.
I can't do anything right

dec - 10
made mistakes but we talked on skype and it was good :D
don't know why, but I stress her out more than I make her happy, I'm losing her love slowly, I don't know what to do
deadline changed

dec - 11
lying for all the wrong reasons, getting help for the wrong reasons
I want to tell her I'm hurting... but she won't care.
It is all about her, I must lie again for what is necessary.
No one can ever love me, time fades away, but the pain only gets worse.
I argued with Sarah, everything is about her, after all the promises and love.
Told her something that was supposed to stay on journal.
More argue, she mad, she won't even hang out with me once to save my life... wut?

Dec – 12
still no sense, if I od'd on tylenol, would she come see me one last time?

Dec – 13
she won't talk to me, tried to be honest with her, and she just stopped talking to me :(
Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
so many relevant pop punk songs, is relationships all they sing about...?
Sarah blocked me, guess she answered my question.
When I say im not hungry, I am, I just can't eat.
Moved deadline back to original.
Moved deadline forward, but I think I need to move it back again zzzzzzzz
Mom told me to kill myself, guess I should hurry it up.
DEADline... hehehehe

dec - 14
Gained acess to Sarah's facebook... theres so many things she said that just aren't true.
Wow, hours later, seeing how Jude reacted has sunk in, its insanely depressing.
“because im not a real boy”...
that really hit me^
Carmyn prey cool, Lexi prey cool. Sarah a butt.

Dec – 15
meeting with pipher
saw jade for 10 minutes today – seeing her again tommorow, I wish I had someone to hold.
I just can't not hide everything from her... I'm just suffering so much.
Found cheap inert gas and stuff.
I guess im operating under the bases she cares about me and wants to help me.

At somepoint you'll be reading this Sarah. I love you. I'll always love you.

I'm so lost, I wish she could guide me, or help me. I hope I can get the money for suicide supplies before christmas.
Will she be regretful when i'm dead?
I can't attempt suicide to get her attention... to change her way. Theres no way to fix our relationship other than to kill myself.
There should be more words here, I feel like the content is good enough though, most of it is previously discussed and its really cluttery. I could make it better with time stamps and stuff though.
Maybe starting tommorow I'll have it look better, having it more organized might be better for the future readers.

Spacing would be good to.

I guess I'll order suicide stuff before christmas if I get the money but otherwise I'll have to use christmas money.

She would rather I die than her feel bad about stuff she did wrong...

“I want nothing to do with you.” the only way she'll ever love me again is if I'm dead.

“hopefully things are better in the ground” guess im gonna go to bed now.

Hopefully Things Are Better In The Ground

she tried to excuse my mom telling me to kill myself.

“Youre being an asshole to Sarah and harrassing her.” after everything, is that really it?

I made sure Sarah and Anika both had shoulders to cry on.
My mom and dad will keep going because they have other kids to care about.

She loved me, and when I got better she stopped.

Sarah, don't be all like “he wasn't better he was just suddenly bad blah blah” none of that shit like, I was better, and the only reason I “harassed you” is because you stopped caring about me. Not the reverse fucking order. There is no excuse, I love you anyways though, its your fault 100% and I love you.
:(

Dec -16
10:30 – 10:50 Sarah tried to like apologize or something, doesn't matter.
10:55 “until you're better” wtf is better?
2:20 no happy memories or places without Sarah.
Promised myself I wouldn't but I think I'm gonna move my deadline up, not sure when too though.

Dec – 17
Lexi don't like me, or very hard to get. Doesn't matter hoping stuff will go well with Sarah.
Made Sarah present this morning. I don't know why I didn't talk about it yesterday but me and
Sarah decided to hang out tomorrow or the day after.

I love her so much.
There will be entries if I fuck up tomorrow :(
I guess there will be entries for almost any outcome.

She doesn't love me or care about me, she's doing the same thing I did to her, the flirting, but she won't stop talking about the man she loves now. She doesn't care about me at all.

I guess I won't be moving the deadline. Hopefully I can convince her to care tomorrow.
I'm so out of the loop and cut off.

Almost destroyed the present. I wanted to burn it all up so bad...

Dec – 18
worked on present a little bit more this morning...

Sarah is going to LGBT group till 6 so I won't get to see her for very long :(

Just got back, went meh, my mind can't stop processing all the possibilites.

I'm planning to kill myself at the first opportunity.

I'm feeling a pain many a factors worse than what I inflicted on her, does she not see the hypocrisy?

Dec – 19
what I did was morally wrong, but this hurts a hell of a lot more.
Jayde doesn't want me to talk to her about it anymore.

Dec – 20
Eh.
Not much to write about, not doing anything, Sarah ain't talking to me cause she is at Apex, just sad, probably not eating as much as usual, bored, etc. Going back to living no moments.

I fucked this up for myself, if I had just not gotten them to kiss each other, or asked Sarah not to kiss him everything would have been ok... I'm selfless at all the wrong times.

The only reason I did it was something nice before I killed myself, why didn't she take a step back all these times she should have?

Dec – 21
Sarah and Jude are “taking a break”. Hopefully its like the kinda break she told me that we were gonna take.

When I wanted something I was a dick, and she would start crying. Jude wants the same thing and she wants to be understanding.

If I wasn't emotionally invested this would be lulz worthy.

Bishop is insane, why does she care about him so much.

My social skills suck :(

why are they together after this bullshit?

This sucks :/ hopefully I can meet the deadline I don't wanna deal with this anymore.

Dec – 22
the clock just rolled past midnight.

I am thinking about deleting the journal, I suppose if your reading this than I didn't delete it.

How do I leave her? Do I have to make sure she has another guy? I'm not really concerned if me and her start to repair stuff, I kind of want to kill myself anyway, I mine aswell leave things well for her though.  I don't really know what to do, do I be a jerk so she stops caring about me? That's a reason to delete the journal I guess. I could just cut off and try to make everything good behind the scenes.

I guess I just need to move on from her, I need to find a way to convince myself she isn't worth staying around for. She's starting to make it easy.

Sarah doesn't care about me anymore and she's pushing me away. I guess this will make it easier to move on.

I don't care about helping you.

Sarah said that :/ and was mad at me for talking to her about being depressed.

She told me I could kill myself to stop being a burden.