The C-Listers: A Roman Affair

The C-Listers
_________________________________________

Be Roman Roland
Four weeks after the first day of school
Three weeks after reconstructing your home with defensive mechanisms.

>It's midnight.
>You look left and right in your bedroom.
>No sign of creepy moose stalkers outside.
>Good.
>You grabbed your flashlight and used it under your bed.
>Checking under, no sign of any midgets masturbating.
>Thank god.
>You grabbed your journal from under and went outside your room.
>Going downstairs, you went to the secret room behind your living room's bookshelf.
>Activating the door via thumb-print scanner, you went inside.
>More stairs. You went down all the way to the basement where you store all the guns you secretly bought from the italian mafia.

>Behind the gunshelf of the basement is ANOTHER hidden room, this time activated by voice recognition.
>Three guesses to that voice recognition. If all guesses are wrong, the house explodes.
>It's a foolproof plan to keep the OTHER hidden room safe from intruders.
>*Passcode Please*<
"Toggafasipo"
>*Access Granted. Welcome, Roland*<
>The gunshelf moves to reveal a hidden passageway.
>There, an elevator waits for your arrival.
>Pressing the down button, the elevator descends into a deeper part of your house.
>As the elevator goes down, bats swarm you like a box of cherry juice.
"AAHH! FLYING RATS! GET AWAY FROM ME!"
>You swung your journal up and down.
"I COME IN PEACE! I'M A MELTING POT OF FRIENDSHIP!"
>Finally, the elevator arrives at the second basement floor.
>The bats leave you in peace.
>You exit the elevator and walked forward to another door.

>The door requires a retinal scan.
>If it goes error three times, the retinal scan fires a laser that melts your face.
>I swear, the 'ACNE DIY Home Defense Kit' thought of everything!
>*SCANNING EYES*<
>*SCAN COMPLETE. WELCOME ROMAN*<
>The door opens to reveal a small room. Knives are displayed on each shelf on each wall.
>In the middle of it, a hopscotch outline on the ground.
>To the normal human, someone would easily ignore this.
>But not to you. You took every precaution known to man.
>The hopscotch is the *safest* area of the room. The rest is booby trapped with large metal spikes emerging from the ground if touched.
>Jumping to the hopscotch, you jumped from one to five. Five being the one that unlocks ANOTHER room.
>Stepping on the number five, the number six unlocks.
>You lift up the number six block and inserted a key.
>You then lifted up the door on the ground.
>You then jump inside it.
>Inside the hidden room is the last hidden room in the house, or rather, UNDER the house.
>It's a panic room. Complete with a single light bulb and a teddy bear.
"Now I KNOW I'm safe from any peering eyes."
>You then sat down and looked at the cover of your journal.
>Your holy book. Your journal. The thing that keeps your every movement and emotion.
>Something so holy to you that, if lost, will shatter your will to live.
>N-not that it's already shattered by everyone or a-anything.
"Right. Time to write in what happened to today."

>You took out your pen and opened the journal to a blank page.
>There, your wrote the headers. Date and year.
>After that, the body.

"Dear Journal, Today, I did not die."
>There.
>You close the journal and climbed outside the panic room and went back to your room.
>Yeah.

The Next Morning

Be Mary Donna
Cooking Class

>Alright, so it's cooking class.
>I'm great at cooking!
>Well, not exactly *great* at cooking food.
>Oh well, I just hope my partner is good at it.
"So Pete, you a good cook?"
>"I cook pretty well. In fact, I cook as a hobby."
"What's this? No stuttering? Who are you and what have you done to my best buddy?"
>"It's nothing. I get my confidence when my mind's concentrated on something OTHER than social interaction."
>He then stops smothering butter over the frying pan.
>"S-So, you know what we're going to cook?"
"Is it Meth? Cause I'm pretty amateurish at that high-"
>"W-what? No! W-we're cooking breakfast themed food. It's written on the board!"
>You look at the board.
"Good god, we have a white-board!"
>"How could y-you not notice that?"
"Err.."
>"Something on your mind?"
"Ehh, just my regular run of the mill business."
>"Y-you mean your 'OTHER' business?"
"Yeah. Been too many screw-ups in the past. Almost getting caught by the feds."
>"Then w-why don't you just g-give up and focus o-on your s-studies?"
"Well, there's a reason for that, but let's just focus on the cooking, big guy."
>"W-well alright."

>Pete Pasta gives you a bowl and some ingredients.
>"M-mix those up while I go and mix the other batter for the waffles."
"Right."
>You then added all the ingredients and mixed them up.
>Mixed em up real good.
>Phew, all this mixing is working up an appetite.
>Maybe if I just take a li-
*BONK*
"OW!"
>Pete just tapped your noggin with a wooden spoon.
>"Come o-on, Mary. S-show some courtesy in the kitchen."
"Oh fine, Mr. Clark Kent."
>"Okay, now add these ingredients.
>Added the other ingredients.
>Whoo-boy. This is smelling pretty good.
>I could just smother this bowl on my mouth.
>"Y-you seem to e-enjoy mixing that."
"Done a lot of food-preparation back at my home. Don't underestimate mah abilities, mate."
>"S-sure."
>Mixing for three more minutes until...
"Done. It looks perfect!"
>Time to put it in the microwave for 30 seconds.
>"W-wow. You mix better than my mixer."
"Nothing beats good old human work, buddy."
*DING*
>phew! Time to check how my mix went.
>Taking out the bowl aaannd...
>...
>"..."
"W-wait a minute!"
>The bowl just turned green. It's not even a mix!

>"Mary...did you just...make a batch of weed from a pancake mix?"

"Damn it, not again."
>Curse my ability to make marijuana!

Be Roman Roland
Walking in the hallway

"He-HEY! KEEP YOUR DISTANCE, PAL. THAT'S RIGHT." you yell at a random guy as you show him your karate stance.
>Bloody students. Don't they know what PERSONAL SPACE is?
>Ugh. So what's my next class again?
>Good god, I don't even remember.
>Busy the whole three weeks making my panic room.
>or rather, DIGGING me a panic room.
>Man, I need a drink.

>You see a drinking fountain by the distance.
>Drinking. From a public fountain.
>...
>BUT I'M THIRSTY.
>BUT I COULD DIE.
>BUT...MUH H20
>QUIET INNER SELF. CONTROL IS THE KEY! DON'T FALL FOR ITS RUSE. THAT THING WILL KILL YOU!
>As you argue with yourself, a lone student approaches the fountain.
>You hide by the side of the wall, checking to see if the student doesn't die from water poisoning.

>Come on, now. Just drink from that fountain.
>Yeah, put your lips all around tha-

>"Excuse me."
"SHIZUMANSASA!"
>You put up your taekwondo stance over to whoever startled you.
>"Sorry to be of bother, but stalking the drinking fountain is against school rules. Don't get me started on that story."
>In front of you, a lone woman.
>She's green skinned, wearing a purple jacket and a black skirt. Brunnette hair tied to a ball.
>Proper attire, high class voice and of reasonable poise.
>Look at her butt's tasteful thickness. The glowing smile.
>My god, she even has a watermark on her ID.
>10/10 would court.
>...
>Wait a minute.
>She's too perfect. THE CANADIAN GOVERNMENT MUST HAVE SENT HER.
"YOU WON'T CATCH ME CANADIANS!"
>"I'm sorry...what?"
"NEEVEEEERR!!"
>You ran away from the woman of your daydreams.
>An obvious ploy by the Canadians to seduce me and my family back to the land of moose and maple syrup.


Be Pete Pasta
Chemistry class

>Ahh, Chemistry.
>I don't have the skills for physical and emotional chemistry.
>I wish I had more confidence.
>Oh well, it's better to spend time at a food drive than with your friends at the bar, that's what my mother would say.
>Then again, my mom WAS a victim of forced marriage.
>Hmm. Looks like Mary's my chemistry buddy for today.
>Wonder why she likes hanging out with me.
>"So, big guy. You good with these?"
"N-no."
>"Too bad. I'm a MAESTRO at this thing."
"C-can you teach me?"
>"Heck yeah. I finally have a ward to call my own. I'll call you Mary Jr."
"..."
>"Just kidding around."
>She's pretty cool.
>Carribean accent, less than serious outlook in life and pretty chill.
>And for a second there, I thought she's going to make me a courier for her other job.
>N-not like I could refuse anyone like her...well, I can't refuse anyone at all, really.

>"Alright, so the board says we should make a reaction from combining these chemicals. Take that one over there."
"A-alright."
>"Now gently pour that Auramine into the Lactose."
"W-what?"
>"Yellow stuff! Put it there!"
"R-right!"
>Oh man this is stressing.
>I don't think I can handle this much pressure.
>Pouring the yellow stuff into the lactose, she relays the next set of instructions.
>"Alright, now add the potassium chlorate. JUST A TEASPOON."
"Err..."
>"Carefully."
>Oh god.
>Lifting it up, you sweat furiously while trying to tip the flask.
>"Caaarefull...CAAAAREFUUULL..."
>Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
>"CAREFUL PETE. CAREFUL.
"NgggnNNGRHH"
>"CAREFUL."
"AHH...ERRGHHH"
>"Almost there."
>The boogers of your nostrils pour down as you concentrate at the task at hand.
>It has been...ten seconds and you still haven't dropped that potassium in.
"HUURRRGGHH"
>The over reaction of your face causes the teachers and the students to look at you.
[[spaghetti intensifies]]
>The professor comes in.
>>"Is everything alright?"
>"Why would you ask that, sir? Everything is fine!"
>>"Well, he looks...he looks like he's about to drop something in his pants.
>Your face looks weirder than Max Payne from the first game.
>"He's FINE."
>She then looks at you.
>"DO IT MAN. DOO IIITTT!"
"HUUURRGGHHHRRAAAAHH"
>You finally dropped a teaspoon's worth onto the mix.
"AAGHH!"
>"Perfect. See? You did well!"
>>"Err, can we get a janitor here? The guy's sweat has flooded the room. Literally.
>"Whoa! How did I not notice that."
>>"I-is that spaghetti floating?"
>"You could picture that and use it as a poster for Typhoon Haiyan donations, Prof!"
>>"That's not funny, Mary."
>"OOH WAIT! I could use it to bring in customers to my business. Pete, I need your phone!"
>You then pass out on the table from over exhaustion.
>"Eh, I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

Be Roman Roland
School Hall

>Math class is a bitch.
>Why would the math teacher even want us to find his ex?
>Wait a minute...
>Y+X=eX+whY
>I KNEW IT!

>Walking along, you see a student campaigning for school presidency.
>"MOVE ASIDE FOR THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!"
>She just pushes those kids aside like she was...great and powerful!
>She seems like a bitch.
>...
>Nah, I found math and Shimmers to be more of a bitch than this one.

>"Vote for Trixie, and Trixie promises to redecorate everything in the color blue, which is Trixie's favorite color!"
"BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT BEING A PRESIDENT IS ALL ABOUT!"
>Wait, did I just say that out loud?
>SHIT!
>"WHO DISRUPTS THE FUTURE PRESIDENT?"
"Future president? This is bad comedy!"

>FUCK, STOP SAYING SHIT, MAN!
>BUT IF YOU DON'T, THE SCHOOL WOULD BE CRAPPIER.
>I CAN'T COMPETE FOR SCHOOL PRESIDENT. THAT JUST INCREASES THE CHANCES OF ME GETTING KILLED!
>SAYS WHO?
>SAYS ABE LINCOLN AND JOHN KENNEDY.
>But they were killed WHILE they were sitting. All you have to do is stand everyday if you're school president!
>BUT I DON'T...
>YES YOU DO. YOU WERE BORN FOR THIS. REMEMBER BACK AT KINDERGARDEN. WHO RODE THE CHARRIOT AND PROCLAIMED HIMSELF KING?
>...I don't think that was me...
>NO ONE CARES. THINK OF THE POWER.
>BUT I DON'T WANT POWER. I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE SAFELY.
>BUT IF YOU BECOME PRESIDENT, YOU COULD SUPERVISE EVERYTHING
>...Go on...
>THINK ABOUT IT, ME! YOU COULD DRINK FROM THE WATER FOUNTAIN WITHOUT THINKING IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.
>MY god, think of the fountain-drinking privileges.
>I'LL DO IT!

>"Umm, are you alright?"
"UHAAAH!"
>It's that green-skinned beauty from three hours ago!
>"Not to scare you or anything, but you've been standing there for 30 seconds with your eyes white as a ghost."
>Wat.
"Err, not the point.!"
>You turn to the blue woman.
" I could be a better president than you, Trixie!"
>"TRIXE BEGS YOUR PARDON?"
"Yeah! I could change this school for the better. Who cares what color the room should be?"
>Your speech gathers an audience.
"I could be president and make sure the safety of the students will be the first thing on the list."
>[[Audience-Gathering Intensifies]]
"I'D MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE HERE WOULD ENJOY THEIR TIME IN SCHOOL, FREE OF CRIMINALS!"

>>"Hey, I'd vote for that guy!"
>>>"Me too"
>>"Isn't that the guy who keeps saying 'THE BRITISH ARE COMING, THE BRITISH ARE COMING'?
>>>"Nah, I think he was the guy who keeps saying 'THE ANTS ARE ON TO ME!'.
>>"Nah, that's Nolan, man!"

"I'VE DECIDED. I'M RUNNING AGAINST YOU FOR PRESIDENCY, TRIXIE MOONLIGHT!"
>The crowd cheers.
>Your confidence grows.
>Trixie leaves in anger.
>"YOU'LL RUE THIS DAY. TRIXE PROMISES THAT!"

>The audience claps and cheers.
>Looks like I've gotten myself supporters.

>"Wow, I'm impressed. For a second there, I thought you were going nuts!" The green-skinned woman said.
"Is that what the Canadian government told you about me?"
>"I'm from England!"
"That what they told you to tell me?"
>"What is it with you?"
"I...Well...err..."
>Dude, you're blowing it with her. She should be blowing you by now!
>JUST INTRODUCE YOURSELF, DAMMIT!

"I...I think we got off the wrong start. My name's Roman Roland."
>"Sophia Sophisticata, but you can call me Sophie."
>So that's your name, beautiful. Sophia.
>Even her name shouts out class.
>"Listen, if you want to enlist in school presidency, I could help you out."
"Really?"
>"Yeah! I mean, you're the most decent candidate so far. You seemed pretty stern about your speech too."
"Uhh..T-thanks, Sophie."
>"Follow me. It's at the Vice Principal's room."
"Sure. Thanks for supporting me."
>Alright, just keep your eyes on  her ass.
>It's just like in Canada, only you're not the victim.

SCHOOL AFTERHOURS
Canterlot Grounds
>Be meeting with my pals, Mary Donna and Pete Pasta.
"Whaddup!"
>"Look at you! You seem to be in a good mood. Did you touch my stash?"
"I wouldn't think of it."
>"Good. So what's up?"
"Got me enlisted in the school presidential campaign."
>"Seriously? What made you, the paranoid guy, do that?"
"THE PRIZE OF DRINKING SAFELY ALONG THE HALLS OF CANTERLOT."
>"..."
"So what's up with you two?"
>"Ehh, Pete fainted during Chemistry class, and I had to hide my accidental batch of weed under this tree."
"I don't even want to know how you made a batch of that accidentally."
>"Trust me, I don't even know myself."
>>"S-so, h-how are you going to campaign?" Pete asked.
"I have help."
>At that moment, Sophie walks by.
>>>"Good luck with your campaign, mate. I'll be rooting for you."
"Thanks! I mean..THANKS AGAIN!"
>You say while waving your hand.
>Mary looks at you, and then looks at her.
>"Ahhh, a little help from a girl, eh? Thought you'd mistake her for...I don't know...a Canadian spy?"
"W-wait, you think she IS one?"
>"I'm joking. She's British. I think..."
"Oh good."

>And so, my journey begins towards school presidency.

End.