Maine Taxi driver stories anyone?
>Be me. young taxi guy, driving along native itribe named lake
>See kid walking by the side of the road
>11:30pm
>kids dressed in sweat stained tshirt and sports shorts no shoes.
>Pull off, unlock door and ask him to get in
>niceguytaxidriver.jpeg
>Kid gets in, thanks me for the ride.
>Turn up air conditioner to keep him cool.
>Tells me he's going up to the head of the lake where his parents live
>Drop him off, tell him to get some shoes.
>He laughs and goes inside.
>Pick up news paper a couple days later.
>Kid is dead.
>Drunk driving
>Drove into lake.
>Find out from cop buddy that kid's body was in car.
>Happened two hours before I picked him up.
>Still get the heebeegeebees every time I drive by that lake.
I have a shit ton more, because Maine is haunted as fuuuuuuuuck!

Meh. fuck it. I don't get a chance to tell these stories often enough Halloween is when people wanna hear about it Maine Taxi guy again, btw.
>Get a call to pick up at the south end of the county.
>Tiny woodland town, maybe 500 residents.
>No gas station, that's how tiny it is.
>8pm at night, late dusk in other words. Still light but limited. Headlights are on.
>Logging the run while waiting for customer at his trailer which sits right next to a cliff-side/earth bank thing leading to a stream below.
>Toot horn because I waited 5 minutes and nothing.
>See tall shadowy figure rising up from the bank, figure it's the guy.
>lt is.
>He gets in back and asks to go to McDonalds, which is like, 30 minutes away.
>Tell him the fare, he's cool with it.
>Roll up to Mickey D's and roll down rear window so he can order himself.
>Dude orders 85 cheese burgers, 100 large fries, and 15 chicken wraps.
>whywasntiinvitedbro.jpeg
>Girl on the mic is all 'wtf is this nigga on?
>30 minutes to get the food ready.
>Take him home.
>Ask him why all the food.
>"For my friends who live in the woods."
>"Friends?"
>’These guys hate electricity."
>"Hermits huh? McDonald's big in the hermit community?"
>"Hey man, don't knock it okay? They saved me from the demons that live in my house."
>"Cool guys, they just want fries and burgers in return?"
>’They're nice like that."
>Fare is like 45 bucks, he hands me two hundred dollars and asks me to help him bring the stuff to the edge of the bank.
>Get out move stuff over. It's too dark to see anything but the water.
>Hear a bunch of bags being opened, happy grunts.
>Shake head and get back in car.
>nopethefuckoutofthere
I’ve got a few more stories about the Baron of Burgers.

>Get a call from Central about picking up Burger Baron again.
>Noon time.
>Sure, I can spot his friends if they want my beef jerky. (Sasquatch-es?)
>Roll up to find BB has axed the telephone pole next to his trailer down.
>No power to the house now.
>How did he call?
>Cellphone probably.
>Whatever, dude is loaded.
>Toot the horn
>Guy comes over the ridge.
>Bro has gone full Grizzley Adams.
>lt's been like two weeks since BurgerStock down by the stream.
>Fur coat, raccoon hat.
>He smells like beef stew.
>"Heyyy it's you again.” He says as he gets in back again.
>"Yeah, how'er your friends?"
>"Awesome. We all live in woods now."
>"Yeah? Get the fur coat a good will?"
>"Nah man, my friends made it for me."
>'The hat too?"
>"Nah, my cousin bought it for me from Cabellas."
>"Oh. My bad."
>"lt's cool it's a cool hat."
>"Where are we headed Chief?"
>"Up to the mall."
>"lt's like a 130.00 up there, man. You're sure?"
>"lt's all good."
>Herewego.jpeg
>Take him to the mall up State. He falls asleep in the back.
>Sleeps like a baby back there, I almost forgot he was here if he didn't smell like soup.
>We get there, he flashes a 50.00 and says he'll tag that ontop of everything including the tip if I come in and push the cart.
> Wh at eve rl m u pfo rit
>We go into the home supply store and he buys blankets, jackets, tents, etc.
>"Building an encampment."
>"Sure am Uncle Josh."
>whothefuckareyoutalkingto
>"l'm David."
>"No you're Uncle Josh."
>"Hey man, you're paying waiting time so you can call me Momma if you want."
>"You're such a card Uncle Josh."
>Ohhhhhkayyyyyythennnnnn
>Time to check out. Start down the pots and pans isle.
>Guy leaps in from of me, shoves me and the cart back.
>"UNCLE JOSH ARE YOU CRAZY! THEY’LL EAT YOU!"
>"Pardon me all to fuck, Chief! I didn't see 'em!"
>Holyshitheslegitinsane
>He grabs one of the blankets and drapes it over me as he holds me like an injured soldier and takes me to the cash out.
>Girl at the counter giggles.
(Cont)

>Girl at the counter giggles.
>’They'll eat me." I tell her winking.
>She nods slowly as she's scanning the tags.
>He ponies up five hundred in cash and tells her to keep the change.
>Load up the car.
>"Where to now Daddy Morebucks?"
>He laughs and says to take him home.
>Falls asleep again.
>Get him home. He puts three hundred in my hand and kisses my cheek.
>Ew.
>"See you soon Uncle Josh.”
>He waves to me as he starts throwing blankets and tents down the embankment.
>Shut the trunk and cruise away.
>lgotcrazyonmeblehk

Maine Taxi Guy again.
>Get orders from Central that I'm supposed to spend the weekend at a SkiLodge down State with one of the company's valued customers.
>Awyiss
>This means that I get to drive the Escalade. Headed leather seats. Navigation. Satellite Radio.
>Also means I get to hang out with ski bunnies all weekend between trucking high mucky mucks between the lodge and the town at the bottom of the mountain.
>Disgonbegood
>Happy family. Two teens. Braces. Cute as fuck.
>Mom and Dad are too busy with their blackberries.
>Kids get bored of listening to their music.
>Tell them about the Burger Chief.
>Evrrybody laughs. Good times.
>Get to the lodge, bring in their stuff. They reserved a room for me.
>Luckyassmothafucka
>Crash in a studio apartment space. Dig the view.
>Can't Smoke inside. Have to smoke by the suv.
>Late a night, get up to piss, decide to smoke too.
>Leaning on the truck all bundled up.
>Hear some coyotes in the distance.
>FuckinghateMaine
>Puffpuffpuff.
>About ready to stamp out the cigarette when I hear a coyote cry out in agony like.. just beyond the headlights of the suv.
>Hear bones snapping.
>Holyshitwhatthefuck
>Remember Burger Chiefs friends.
>Shut headlights off and climb into the suv.
>Lock doors.
>Something heavy bumps into the ass end of the suv. Rocks it a little.
>Holyshitholyshitholyshit
>Pull hat down over eyes, couldn't eat me under a blanket, hopefully hats qualify.
>Hear heavy breathing on the window next to me.
>lt goes away.
>Wait for 20 minutes then click on the headlights.
>Snowing it's ass off.
>Get out and book it to the lodge.
>Find bloody foot prints under the fresh snow.
>Looks like a regular dude, size 10 shoe maybe?
>G’damn nigger you crazy.
>Cover the bloody stuff up with snow before the family wakes up.

Just me posting huh? Fine then.
>Still at the lodge
>Eating breakfast the next morning.
>Family comes by and waves.
>Dad explains they want to go to town to buy a new snow board for junior, and the girls want to go shopping for cute new snow gear.
>Totally cool with that. GET ME THE FUCK OFF THIS MOUNTAIN OF DEATH!
>Notice a bloody streak on the back gate.
>Wipe it off with a handful of snow.
>Teengirl asks what I'm doing.
>"Just wiping off some crud from the road."
>"Are you going to wash this while we're in town?"
>"Yeah, sounds like a great idea."
>Drop family off, and go to wash truck.
>Sparkly clean.
>Brain can still see blood smear on the back gate though.
>Pick them up and return to the mountain. WHYYYYYYY?!!!
>Back in where I was before, parallel to this end of the lodge.
>Mountain Ranger approaches me as I get out of the suv, already dropped the family off.
>"Were you here last night?"
>"Yup. Came out to have a smoke. Some weird stuff happened."
>"Animal weird?"
>l shake my head and explain what happened.
>She nods and blows me off until I dig up the snow and show her the blood.
>'There's a bear down here."
>wtfsincewhendobearshavemanfeet?
>"Did you tell anyone?"
>"Who would believe me?"
>"l'm going to talk to the other Rangers, and we'll shut this side of the mountain down if we think theres trouble."
>"Sooo, keep my mouth shut."
>'That would be best until we do something. The mountain is loaded with daredevils, somebody will go looking for the bear."
>"Right. Thanks."
>She goes back to patrolling, staying clear of the tree line where the noises came from.

Last chapter of Weekend of Horror on Murder Mountain Fuck I hate that place.
>Smoke during the day, if I go out at night I stay close to the building and hang out at the hot springs. Swanky artificial ones.
>There's a bar, but I can't drink. Coolguytaxiguy.
>Drinking a pepsi, smoking a few while I listen to the Saturday night band.
>Family is upstairs in the grand hall having some fancy ass family ruining.
>Chilling with the bartender and a couple of ski bunnies that I've been having breakfast with for a few days.
>Coyotes again.
>Heartratepicksup
>"Are they annoying or what?" I ask the bartender.
>’They're a bad omen. Coyotes don't come this far up the mountain unless there's fresh kill, or something has chased them up."
>JesusChristManAreYouAFuckingMovieCharacter?
>"Well.. Where’s the lightning and dramatic organ?"
>He laughs and shakes his head.
>"Nothing can get you here, it's too noisy."
>"Right."
>Relax a little.
>Stay a little later than I should have, ski bunnies are drunk. We laugh it up some and I call it a night before I do something stupid.
>Totally forgot about staying close to the building.
>Hear heaving breathing coming from under the SUV.
>Freeze.
>Standing maybe 12 feet from the suv. Can't see what's under it.
>"l don't want any trouble." I say with a stern voice.
>2am
>"You just stay under there, and I'll go inside." I say backing away from the SUV toward the entrance to my room.
>The breathing slows down, as something crawls around under there like it's making a nest or some freaky ass shit.
>l open my door, and it stops crawling.
>l see hot breath rising up from under the running boards, as if it's coming out from under the truck.
>IDONTWANTTOKNOWWHATYOUARE
>Fall through the door and kick it shut behind me, spin around and put my back against the door.
>Nothing. No noise.
>Shut the yard light off that had illuminated the suv and that thing's breath.
>Get up in the morning and call the ranger down.
(Cont)

>Get up in the morning and call the ranger down.
>Stay in the room until she comes to the door.
>Knocking makes me shit myself.
>Peek through the door.
>"What's up, David?"
>"Remember that bear?"
>"Yes."
>l point through the door toward the SUV where some serious marks where left.
>"What happened?"
>"l come out, when you pull your gun out and point it at the truck. I'm not taking any risks."
>We approach the Suv, she has her gun ready.
>There are a ton of marks all over the place like it scooped snow under the suv, and push it out.
>She kicks snow under the suv, and nothing happens.
>l pull out the keys and hit the panic button.
>Horns, sirens, lights, but nothing under it.
>"Must've left in the night." She says kneeling down.
>HOLYFUCKYOU'RENUTS
>l step back as she peeks under the truck and immediately backs away standing up in a hurry.
>Jawsguyface.jpeg.
>"What?! What did it do? Did it hurt the suv?!"
>"No, it.. I pissed and shit all over the place under there."
>"...Are you fucking kidding me?"
>l move the suv and sure enough, it pissed and shit all over the place. Rolled around in it even.
>No fresh snow. Those are people tracks.
>'That's the same foot."
>"Seems like you've got a friend, David."
>"You know what, fuck you." I say rubbing my forehead.
>"Excuse me?" She asks.
>"Sorry, this is just crazy. Are you guys gonna shut down the mountain?"
>"Yes. This is too close to the lodge to be brushed off. Whatever did this needs to be chased off or captured."
>OHSWEETJESUSTHANKYOU
>Family and I book it.
>Get a call from the Ranger a few days later. She says they never found the guy that did it, but the urine and shit samples came back positive for human.
>She asked me again what I saw the night I pulled my hat over my face. I told her jack shit.
>Never returned to Murder Mountain. Family hasn’t either.
BUT!
I did travel with them a few more times. Haunted docks anyone?

Burger Baron doesn't ride anymore. The last time I talked to him, he called central and asked for Uncle Josh. The office knows that's my nickname I guess.
I get on the phone:
>"Hey Chief, it’s been a few months. How are you and your friends?"
>"We're good. Listen Josh, this is important."
>l put him on speaker phone. The whole office shuts up and leans in.
>"Okay Chief, what is it?"
>"Josh, the Dog catches the clover."
And he hung up. Boom. Done.
Haven't heard from him in three years.

As I’ve said. Maine is a haunted ass fucking place. Steven King isn't lying. Shit is for real up here.
>The following spring after Murder Mountain, Central tells me the Family is back and they want to go to the down east.
>Eastport. Holyfuckfaraway.
>Hey, new Escalade, and I like the family anyway.
>Btw, piss and shit smell wouldn't leave the air system of the suv, so we ditched it and upgraded to a new one.
>Roll up to the airport, everyone's happy to see me.
>Dad shakes my hand and asks me how the Burger Baron is doing.
>Tell him I haven't heard from him in a while.
>We laugh again about him.
>So it's a long ass ride from the airport to Eastport.
>Naturally they pick an old ass BnB to stay in. I however opt out of chilling with them and book a room right on the water. They’re about 15 minutes away from me.
>Dad asks if I want to stay, and I tell them they should enjoy the weekend together, and that I smoke.
>He understands and we exchange cellphone numbers.
>So the first night, I'm sitting on the back deck of this place, outside of the restaurant down stairs.
>Smoking with a guy from New York who hates Maine but his wife loves it.
>'Tm fucking fed up with this wilderness shit." He tells me waving his jack and ginger around. I know what it is because I ordered a peach smoothy and the bar handles everything but coffee and soda.
>"Preaching to the choir. If I could afford it, I'd be in Japan."
>"Why Japan?"
>"Really? You don't know why?”
>"No. It's full of sex fre--Oh."
>l tip my smoothy to him.
>We tap glasses and laugh.
>l hear a splashing below us, mind you the deck hangs out over the water by a good 8 to 10 feet.
>l put my drink down and step to the railing, leaning over.
>lt's just a gentle tide smacking against the rocks. Just sounded like splashing.
>Paranoid after Murder Mountain.
>l sit back down and light up another cigarette.
>New Yorker asks me what’s up.
>"Thought I heard a struggle down there."
(cont.)

>Standing on the balcony outside of my room. Looking out over the moon lit bay. Damn, if it didn’t suck so hard here..
>Smoking again, tapping a can of pepsi against the railing.
>Hearthe splashing again.
>Look down, I can see the rocks again.
>Lots of bubbles down there now.
>Tides aren't shifting.
>"Hey, anybody down there!" I shout down.
>No reply. Just more bubbles from the rocky area.
>l shrug it off. Scary ocean shit.
>l tap the ashes off of my cigarette and lay my head against the railing. It's quiet apart from the splashing.
>lt stops suddenly.
>l look down again, and my pepsi can gets sucked out of my hand.
>l’m on the 3rd floor mind you.
>Swoop! Down into the bubbles.
>"Fuck!"
>l throw my cigarette after it and turn away from the railing.
>The splashing starts again, and my pepsi can is smacking against the rocks.
>The smacking gets rhythmic.
>Taptaptap PausePausePause Taptaptap PausePausePause.
>l go down to put an end to the noise. There's a rocky beach down there under the deck, and I climb down to get the pepsi can.
>Whythefuckamidoingthis?
>Oh yeah, too paranoid to listen to ghosts tap the can all night.
>l lean out over the rocks and grab the can.
>l pull it up out of the water, and dump the sea water out of it.
>l climb back up from the beach and toss the can in the trash nearest where I climbed up from.
>As soon as the can hits the bottom of the barrel, I hear a boat rub up against the dock.
>SHITFUCKITSGONNAEATME!
>l spin around with my fists up, like I'm gonna punch the Kraken or something.
>Oh It’s just a boat.
>'This is God telling me to stop smoking."
>l set my hand down on one of the pylons that poke up from the dock supports, and I discover my cigarette is under my hand.
>Huh, lucky me.
>The ash broke off, so I light it up again and look at the boat rubbing on the dock.
>lt's a cabin cruiser, the name on the ass end is "Sea Toy".
>Sea Toy rubs up against the dock again and again as I'm smoking.
(cont)

>l step off the pylon dock and onto the floating dock.
>l grab Sea Toy's rope and wrap it around one of the weird boat tie thingies.
>lt stops rubbing. Finally.
>l turn around and there's another cigarette on the pylon above.
>l still have mine.
>HaaaaaOkayTimeForBed
>l rush up the gangway to the pylon dock and throw my cigarette over the edge.
>Get to the room. Lock the door.
>Nopenopenope. Too much lactose. You're having visions.
>l pull the shades over the glass door that leads to the balcony.
>Early in the morning I wake up to find that the curtains are knocked off the railings and the glass door is wide open.
>OhGodltKnowsWherelSleep
>l fix everything as best as I can, and lock the balcony door this time.
>The family and I explore Eastport for a while, before they rent a sail boat and go off pretending to be pirates.
>At the hotel the New Yorker says heard me last night.
>l tell him what happened and he laughs at me, and offers to buy me breakfast.
>We have breakfast, his wife nags him to go sailing. I guess they sailed up here.
>Mfw he owns Sea Toy.
>l spend the morning sipping Pepsi and texting a friend back home about what's going on.
>The splashing starts again.
>l ignore it and go inside to again find my room messed up.
>The house keepers say it's not them.
>When Dad, Mom and kids get back, I ask if there's a room at the BnB.
>l stay with them for the rest of the weekend.
But it gets better. Holy fuck does it go off the rails next.

>At the Eastport Inn, the owners have hired a medium to entertain the guests tonight.
>Spring time spooky shit? Wtf?
>So I hang out with Dad in the back of the den while the family and a couple of newly weds get right in on the action.
>This gypsy looking woman comes into the room, and the owners shut the lights off and light candles.
>Herewego.
>Dad and I have to shut off our phones, makes the ghosts mad.
>Suresure.
>We both watch as this lady starts walking around the room waving her hand over people’s heads.
>She says some superficial stuff about the kids, and the newly weds.
>Teils Mom that Dad thinks she’s pretty.
>Duh.
>She gets to me, I give her a glare.
>She smirks and grabs my cheeks.
>And you, you’ve been marked.
>Thefuckyousay?
>"Marked?"
>l'm freaked out now.
>"You're marked. Something to do with your smoking."
>OhHellNaw
>l pull her hands from my face, and Dad waves her off.
>"What was that all about?" He asks.
>l explain the cigarette and Sea Toy, my room, and the splashing.
>He shakes his head.
>He doesn't know about Murder Mountain, btw.
>l rub my forehead as she goes on about a maiden that died at the docks.
>Vengeful husband drown her after she fell in love with a highway man.
>Dad nudges me.
>l wave a hand, too interested to not listen to her.
>She goes on and says that the husband killed her when he smelled the cigar of the highway man on her.
>Dad begins to chuckle.
>l nudge him and he starts laughing out loud.
>l get up and leave.
>The weekend goes off without a hitch. We leave Eastport and Dad teases me about my Ghost Girlfriend the whole way back to the airport.

>Last Summer
>Get a call from central to go pick up at one of the shitty hotels across town.
>l wheel in and pick up a scraggly looking guy. Long hair, balding on top. Smells like piss and weed.
>He asks me to turn off the car radio and my taxi radio.
>"l can't cut communications with central."
>"Just don't talk on it while I'm in here."
>"Fair enough."
>We go to Goodwill, he pays in quarters and gets out.
>Joy. Laundry money.
>A few hours go by and I get called to go get him.
>He comes out with a card load of 80’s tech. Radios, alarm clocks, record players, phones, and a couple of tvs.
>Ohfuckme.
>l help him load all of it and we go back to the hotel but stop at a mom and pop food shop so he can pick up a couple bags of frozen dinners.
>Nice.
>So I help him unload the stuff into the hotel room.
>Room smells like piss and weed.
>He pays in quarters again.
>Hello coinstar.
>The next day I get a call to go get him again.
>l wheel in and find him standing outside of his room, facing the door dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow. One of those buycostumes.com ones. Fake hair, sticky beard, shirt, hat, the works.
>He slides on a pair of men in black shades and gets in the back.
>"Ahoy Captain, where we be headin'?"
>"Funny. Goodwill again, and shut the radio off."
>Good enough.
>He asks me to wait while he goes in.
>He comes back with two gigantic speakers and we load them up.
>l help him unload them.
>He's nailed the radios to the walls, the clocks are hung like Chistmas lights, the record players are playing in reverse, and the tv screens are linked with bare copper wire in the shape of a square.
>He pays in quarters again.
>"Hey, it's probably not okay to nail stuff to th--"
>He shuts the door in my face and I hear him lock it up.
>"Okay, well, see you for breakfast then?" I ask jokingly as I go back to my car.
>A few days go by, and I get a call from central that the police department needs up to come pick someone up at the hotel this guy was at.
(cont.)

>Captain Quarterbag must’ve gotten busted for defaming property.
>l roll up and get out. My cop buddy is the one who called.
>He tells me that Captain Quarterbag got his hands on a shot gun and shot his caseworker when she finally tracked him down.
>Vietnam War Veteran.
>She's in ICU and he's no where to be found.
>He opens the door and this guy had gone epileptic spider-man all over the inside of the hotel room with copper wire.
>l look to my cop friend who then asks me what I know about this stuff.
>l confess to knowing that he nailed shit to the walls but not this level of crazy.
>l tell him about the stuff he bought and how he dressed.
>A few weeks go by and my cop friend calls to tell me that now that the investigation is over I should probably know that they found him cocooned in the copper wire.
>His body was all charred up and jerkied having been cooked by the wiring.
>Whydidlneedtoknowthis.
>He tells me not to take his personally, and in the future to tell them when weird stuff like this happens.
>"So I should just put you on speed dial."
>"Morning noon and night." He said.
>We don't talk about that like, at all. I never saw any of the guys body, but it just sounds disgusting anyway.

So. this is from over the winter. December.
>Have a regular transport with a mentally challenged client. Cool guy, not big on the talking. Unless it's a pretty girl.
>Driving on a sloppy road, plow guys are slacking.
>SplishSplashMightBeTakin'ABathSoon.
>So I slow down as we come down this steep hill, and tires give.
>Ass end of car starts to come around like the trunk is going to lead the way now.
>Ohfucknaw.
>l cut back into the 'drift', and tap the accelerator so the rear end straightens up.
>Fish tail for maybe a 100 feet until we get to the bottom of the hill.
>Phew.
>My client, lets call him Shyeyes, giggles a little and I laugh too. We're friends.
>l'm stopped, giggling like a little kid when a blue light appears in my rearview.
>Cops? Is not having an accident illegal now?
>Nope. Something comes over the hill and up into the air Duke Boys style.
>Slush and shit rains down on my car, and being a idiot I am cover my head like I'm gonna get rained on, in the car. Derp.
>Blue light comes over the top of the taxi.
>8am in December. Ole Mr.Sun is juuuust getting up.
>Orange skies frame this icy blue triangle that glides just above my car and slows down, like it's saying sorry.
>Shyeyes leans up to the glass of the windshield and looks up at it. I keep away from the glass.
>lt doesn't fly away, it just fades out.
>lt kind of reminded me of condensation evaporating off of cold glass.
>Shyeyes doesn’t remember it like I do. He just remembers me being a dumbass and nearly getting us killed pretending to be Paul Walker.

This is a short one, but you can probably experience it too up here
>Late October.
>A few days before Halloween.
>Driving on a rainy night.
>HowDolGetTalkedlntoThis?
>Leaves falling out of the trees getting stuck to the windshield.
>lt’s a fun time.
>Roll the window down to smoke.
>Cigarette dangling out of the window while I cruise down to the next "city" along the coast to pick up a homeless guy and bring him to a the hospital up my way that'll take him.
>Groovy tunes on the radio.
>l come around a tight bend, and I hug the line a little closer than I should have.
>White toyota is in my lane.
>HOLYFUCKINGSHITGONNADIE
>Jerk the wheel to narrowly miss the car. Come to a stop to get my wits.
>CRAZYFUCKINGKIDS
>THISISWHATMTVGAVEUS
>Frazzled, lost cigarette.
>Light another one and park for a minute, puffing to some White Lion.
>Tapping the side of the car listening to the music.
>Some guy grabs my arm and leans in.
>"You okay, mate?"
>l smack his arm away and lean away from the window.
>"FUCK YOU!"
>l shout like that's going to scare off the woods demon that just tried to tear off my arm.
>Friendly middle-aged guy, greased hair, shit-stain mustache.
>"Hey man, just checking on you."
>Glance in my rearview and spot the toyota sitting behind me.
>"Whoa man, you scared the shit out of me."
>"Sorry, I said hello, but I guess the music was too loud. You're okay right?"
>"Yeah, yeah. Sorry for yelling."
>"lt's cool. There are a couple of deer in the road up ahead, watch yourself."
>l nod and he gets in his car and pulls away.
>l take a minute and cool off.
>Put it in gear and roll on.
>Round the bend he was talking about and come to screeching stop, turned sideways in the road.
>That's not a fucking deer! It's not even a couple of fucking deer!
>Middle of the road stands a moose, over the top of a dead moose's body.
>Moose is ripped to shreds, got hit by a moose blender or something.
>Other moose is standing guard.
(cont)

>l inch up on the guardian moose and it lowers it's head ready to charge.
>l stop and beep the horn.
>lt lifts it's head and steps aside.
>l cruise by slowly.
>Moose turns it's head, as if it's scoping me out for the guy who did this to it's wife/buddy/whatever.
>l pull beyond the moose and stop, looking back through my mirror and the other moose lays down next to the dead one.
>Ohhhkaytimetoleave.
>l get the guy and come back that same way, 'cause there's no other road that is as direct.
>Pass the moose Caracas, but no guardian moose.
>Round the bend again and discover it’s been hit by a dump truck.
>Took it's head clean off.
>Slow down as we pass the head, and those damn eyes were looking at me. Felt like it anyway.
>Fuckthisshit.
>Drive off.
>Passenger was asleep anyway.

I live on a lake. Shitty lake camp, but it's a swanky bachelor pad and I'm cool with it. This was back at the end of last summer.
>Sitting on the front deck, looking across the street to the lake water.
>Rocking back and forth on the porch swing.
>The loons are calling, frogs are trying to get laid. It's an LL Bean commercial.
>l put my hands behind my head and drift off to sleep.
>l wake up to the sound of something clattering around in my trash cans.
>OHCOMEON!
>l sit up, and look toward the bottom of my driveway.
>There's this kid poking through my garbage.
>He's got regular kid clothes.
>"Hey you! Cut the shit!"
>His head snaps up and drops the can's lid.
>Can't see his eyes, just know he's looking.
>l stand up and point at him.
>"Go home, leave the trash alone!"
>He stands there. Staring.
>l get the same sinking feeling I did when I heard the coyote bones being snapped.
>Wtf now?
>The kid's arms twitch a bit, like he's got a chill or something running up his spine.
>”Well?"
>He leans down to the trash again.
>"HEY!"
>l step down off of the deck and on the gravel.
>My foot makes a crunching noise and something dashes into the bushes at the top of my driveway.
>Kid runs off down the street.
>l hear his foot steps for a while.
>l sit down on the steps for a minute contemplating getting a gun.
>There's a sploosh in the lake across from my place.
>Like a frog just jumped into the water or something.
>The loons stop calling for a minute.
>Weeeeelllltimetogoinsideandlockallthedoorsandwindows.
>l finally get to bed after locking the house up, and listen to the loons start calling again.

>Sitting in town one night, full moon, window down listening to music.
>Guy and gal walk by, wave and say hello.
>l wave back. Nice couple.
>l turn down the car radio and get out to walk around the car.
>l parked down at the boat yard near one of the waterfront bars.
>l sit down on the hood and light up a cigarette.
>Girl walks up and asks for one. I offer her the lighter and a cigarette.
>She joins me on the hood after lighting up.
>"ls this your job?"
>"No I do this for the orphans."
>"Very funny."
>"Yeah, been doing this longer than I can remember."
>"Are you happy?"
>"Lady I’m sitting on the hood of a crown victoria on a Saturday night. I’m not up for life lessons, and philosophy."
>"Fine, just wanted to know."
>Feel bad for being a jerk.
>"lt's not a great job, but I meet people. I like people."
>"lt’s a good quality to have."
>"How about you, smoking with taxi driver's your job?"
>"Ha, no. I'm just a girl wandering through the world."
>"A traveler huh? Welcome to the road.."
>'Thanks."
>She gets up and walks off into the darkness of the boatyard.
>"Okay. Bye."
>She waves over her shoulder.
>l hear a hard thud come from the boatyard.
>TimeToManUpDavid.
>Get in the car and cruise into the boatyard, high beams on.
>She's standing on the edge of the boat lift with a piece of a broken rowing oar.
>l get out and walk up to her.
>"Everything okay?"
>She nods and tosses the oar into the water.
>"Gypsies are always okay, traveler."
>She looks over her shoulder toward me, her eyes are that weird reflective kind that animals are so you know that they're about to run out in front of you.
>NOPENOPENOPE.
>l get back in the car and back out of the boatyard.
>Radio to central to send the cops down.
>They find a broken oar and her jacket, but nothing else.
>Cop friend tells me they chased some gypsies off the public beach the morning after.
Gypsies come through town a lot. they fuck around up in Canada too much

I should sign these.
Sincerely, the unluckiest bastard in Maine
>A couple weeks after Burger Baron's last phone call.
>Off duty, down State for a jazz festival.
>Come across a guy pissing on a building.
>Classy.
>Walk by him and under a catwalk that connects two banks together or some richy rich shit.
>l stop under the catwalk as I spot a dog walking up the street.
>1am
>Saturday
>On THAT side of town, I guess.
>l pull my hands out of my pockets and clap for the dog to come to me.
>The dog stands there, under the street lamp’s light looking at something on the other side of the street.
>lt's ears twitch occasionally like he's hearing something.
>l approach cautiously, maybe he's tracked a raccoon.
>The dog's head lowers as I get closer, but it's not looking at me.
>l step up to the dog.
>lt jumps a little once it realizes I’m so close.
>Dog snaps back to what was looking at.
>There's this bat thing resting on a brick wall.
>Like full on attached to it.
>l place my hand on the Dog's head, gently massaging his head.
>"Easy, it's just another animal."
>Dog bolts off suddenly.
>l watch it run off into the darkness and turn back to the bat thing.
>lt's wings spread and holy shit it’s huge.
>l'm looking at a bald eagle sized bat thing.
>lt crawls a little higher on the wall, ignoring me I guess as it heads toward and open window.
>Uhhh, what?
>l'm stunned, it's huge, and it’s headed for that window.
>l pick up a rock from the road and toss it into the trash cans.
>lt makes a big rock-hitting-metal noise.
>The bat thing falls off the wall and into the trash, tearing it to shit.
>l hear it snorting and tearing at things as it goes after the rock.
>Well, leaving now.
>l take off the same way the dog did.
>Homeless guy tells me it's lived here for a few months since warm weather came.
>The homeless avoid it.
>l ask him why.
>He says some crazy guy shit about how it steals souls or something.
>l ask him how that works.
>He asks for money.
(cont)

>He asks for money.
>Nice.
>l hand him a 20 and he stuffs it into his underwear.
>Ughk.
>He tells me it comes to them in their dreams and that a couple of his friends have died after saying they'd seen it in their dreams.
>l sit down next to him and think for a minute.
>He tells me the homeless call it dream catcher.
>Really? That's the best you've got?
>l ask him why that name.
>"You got a better name?"
>"Nope."
>"Dream catcher it is then."
>l get up and offer to buy him coffee, but he’s content with the twenty and draws his legs under himself.
>l leave him and the city I was visiting.
>Haven't heard of dream catcher again.
SameMainefag btw.

SameMaineFag
>On duty.
>Christmas Time 2010.
>Santa's Village downtown.
>Kids everywhere.
>Gypsies are in town, selling stolen shit.
>Good times.
>Having breakfast at the bakery downtown.
>"Hey David, have you had any fares headed out to the old train station?"
>"Nope. It's condemned. Nobody lives there."
>"Weird. A guy came through here the other morning, asked to have a wedding cake delivered down there."
>"You didn't take the job did you?"
>"Nah, he couldn't give me an address, just the old train station."
>"l'll keep that in mind."
>Go about my day.
>Christmas rolls around, no kids/wife to be around, so I’m working.
>Twiddling thumbs by the boat landing watching it snow.
>Central tells me to head over to the honkey tonk country bar at the edge of town.
>Whothefuckisdrinkingonchristmas?
>Head over.
>Old guy smoking by a truck that slid off the road.
>"Need a lift?"
>"Called a cab."
>"l turn my toplight on."
>"Guess you're the guy."
>"l'm the guy."
>He gets in, and I crank up the heat.
>l ask him where we're headed, he tells me the old train station.
>"Okay, it's condemned, I can't leave you in the winter time with no where to go."
>"Relax. I'm not living in the Station, I'm converting a box car into an apartment."
>"Oh."
>Apologize for being a shithead.
>"Everybody is creeped out. It's fine."
>Drop him off.
>Christmas morning.
>Wake up down town.
>Fell asleep waiting for a call I guess.
>Central tells me that the guy at the train station wants me to come out before I get off work.
>Goodie, Boxcar Willie wants a sit down.
>l cruise over.
(cont.)

>wheel into the train station's parking lot, can't get to the rail yard without walking around the platform.
>l get out and lock the car, just in the case.
>l walk around to the rail yard, and find that he's been skinning dogs, deer, rabbits, cats, etc.
>He's sitting on the landing, wearing a red coat and black jeans.
>He spots me as I spot the skins.
>"Heyyy David. Thought I wouldn't see ya."
>Fuck. If I run he'll chase me.
>"Heyyy Van Gohaway." (Just a fake name. I called him by his real name.)
>l step up onto the platform and try to ignore the skins being stretched in the doors of the box cars.
>l keep a good 10 feet between us.
>"My truck is pretty fucked up. You think you guys could handle moving me back and forth between here and town."
>"lt's our job."
>"Sounds like a plan then."
>He stands up, and I step back.
>He turns away from me and sets a glass of wine down on the floor and reaches into his pocket.
>Pulls out a watch and some money.
>Gold dollars and regular bills.
>He offers 50.00 to me to make sure he gets top billing when it comes time for a ride.
>l accept and wish him a good day.
>Book it out of there.
>Tell central I want nothing to do with the place. Send Ken or Barbie down. Better not send Barbie. She'd make a nice coat.
>Van Gohavay hung around town for a while, before he abandoned the reil yard and I guess joined the gypsies.

>2007
>Get a call from Central to go out to the edge of town.
>Lets call the client Marceline.
>Marcy is a nice old lady, she rode with us for a long time.
>l roll up to Marcy's house, and she wants to go to town.
>She's like 60 something.
>AII gussied up.
>Red dress.
>Lipstick.
>Eye shadow.
>Pearls.
>Heels.
>Bitch be rockin’ the bling.
>l get out and open the door for her, as I always do.
>She takes my hand and I help her sit down into the car.
>l get in after shutting her door.
>"Hot date Marcy?"
>"No. David. I have I'm meeting a very important man tonight for a candlelit dinner."
>"Where do we find the lucky fell'r?"
>"Narraganset Cemetery."
>l pause and look at her in the mirror, I arch a brow and tilt my head.
>"David. it's not what you think. You'll see when we get there."
>l nod slowly and we head off.
>She looks out the window and stays silent.
>Marcy usually talks to me about the Red Sox.
>l try to start up a convo with her. but she just keeps her answers short.
>l pull into the cemetery, and just below the hill is a table next to a angel praying tombstone.
>l pull up, and get out to let Marcy out.
>"Who set this up?"
>"My husband's lawyer."
>"Wh--Why?"
>"My husband always enjoyed an outdoor dinner on our anniversary."
>"Ohhhh, okay."
>"lt's in his will that we have dinner every year. By candle light."
>"Do you want me to stay?"
>"David, who is going to bother me in a cemetery?"
>"Good point Marcy."
>"Come back for me in two hours."
>l leave her, reluctantly.
>l go down the road for a ways, and tell Central that I'm going to stay close.
>They give the time to wait for Marcy.
>l roll up in two hours, it's pitch black.
>Marcy is standing by the road.
>l get out and notice that her food is gone, his is obviously still there.
>"Mr. Marcy not very hungry tonight?"
>"Oh David, he never was much of a big eater."
>We giggle for a minute as I help her into the car.
>Silence again.
>l bring her to her door.
(cont)

>l bring her to her door.
>Poor thing had too much wine.
>l open the door and walk her in.
>"David you're such a gentleman."
>"No no Marcy, any man worth his weight in gold would do this."
>l set her down in her chair and get her a glass of water.
>l turn away from the sink, and I hear foot steps into the living room.
>"Marcy? You should be sitting."
>l step into the living room and she's so far gone she's drooling on herself.
>l step into the living room a little further and look around before setting her glass down.
>"Ohhh, David, don't mind Charles."
>l pause, Charles? Wtf?
>"He's just getting in late."
>l straighten up. and place my hands on my sides as I look around the room.
>"Chuck's home huh?"
>l turn around and catch a trench coat waving through the doorway.
>"Hey!"
>l jump forward and come to the doorway, stepping through it.
>l step into the kitchen now.
>Gonna smack this mother fucker.
>Outside under the yardlight, there's a tall guy in a brown trench coat, back to to the doorway.
>Fedora on, looking up at the sky.
>Wuhwuhwuhwuhwuh.
>"Hey Marcy. does Chuck wear brown?"
>"He's so dapper in that chocolate colored hat I bought him.”
>"Huh. He's waiting outside."
>"Oh, he's just waiting for you to leave.”
>'This happen often?"
>"Every year, David. You should go."
>"l should go."
>l go around to the back door, it's latched shut.
>"Lock the door behind me Marcy!"
>l shout to her.
>"Charles will get it."
>lbethewill
>Come around to the front of the house.
>Chuck is gone.
>l get in the car and radio to central that I need a few.
>They ask about Chuck.
>l tell them to leave it alone.
>l can hear them laughing on the radio.

Continued from previous thread. I guess.
>Friends of the Mountain of Murder/Eastport Girlfriend Ghost family book me to take them down to a richy rich gated bay side community.
>Rent a house for 2200 a week! What-A-Deal!
>FML
>Fancy new Escalade in the middle of a tourist community.
>Outta Stat'ahs everywhere.
>lt's cool, I'm from here, I speak the language.
>Brought Wife and Husband here. I’ll call them Mark and Cleo.
>Mark and Cleo rented a house, and wanted me to stay in town because there’s no taxi for at least and hour.
>So I stay at there place in the mother in law’s house out back.
>l’m hanging out by the water front, talking to an old flame.
>The fog has rolled in, and the lights along the dock are making shapes out of the fog bank.
>Looks cool.
>ln the distance I see a white light, like a flash light, out over the water bobbing up and down.
>The light house about a mile away starts sounding off a warning to boats.
>Fog horns are loud. Fog horns a mile away are deafening.
>"Hang on, fog horn."
>l put my hand over the phone, watching that light.
>Looks like a row boat with a headlight.
>Shitty time to come in from the island bucko.
>The horn fades, and I pick up the phone again.
>"So how are the kids?"
>We talk for a bit and I watch that light.
>The waves are crashing because the tide is going out.
>Still that light doesn't move except to bob up and down on the waves.
>"Hey, I think there's a boat stuck. I'll call you back."
>l hang up and put the phone in my pocket before heading out on to the foggy dock.
>The light seems to be sitting at the end, but it's too far out to be tethered.
>l step out to the end of the dock, at least where it feels like the end, too foggy to tell.
>l grab onto the railing, and a lamp post just to make sure I don't take a dip.
>"Hey! Are you okay?!"
>l shout into the fog.
>l hear nothing, the light continues to bob up and down.
>"Hey! I'm not a cop! Just tell me you're alright!"
>No reply.
(cont)

>No reply.
>The light just sits there in the fog.
>l smack my hand against the railing.
>"Look it's not cool to just be an asshole in the fog!"
>l’m pissed, this dense fucker could get hurt.
>l step back from the edge.
>Something brushes up against me like I stepped into it.
>l turn around suddenly, expecting the person in the boat to be there.
>This 30 yard dock is crawling with fog people.
>This is a legit phenomenon in Maine.
>Humanoid figures wandering through the fog.
>Holyshitghostconvention.
>l latch onto the railing.
>Whatthefuckdoldo.
>l push myself off the railing and toward the shore through the fog people.
>l can feel them walking through me. Or I'm walking through them.
>l see them dancing.
>l try to step around them but it's just unavoidable.
>lt feels like I'm walking through cobwebs and hot hair.
>l jump down onto the beach once I'm close enough and rush up out of the fog.
>l turn the headlights of the Escalade on and I can see them clearly now.
>20 or thirty of them, walking around, dancing, just being fog people.
>l climb into the SUV and call my friend.
>"Hello?"
>"Fog people. All over the docks."
>"Calm down David."
>"They walked through me, Elvira!" (Not her real name.)
>"No you walked through them."
>"Are they pissed?"
>"No, just happy to live again."
>"Are you serious right now?"
>"Do they look like they're going to eat you?"
>"No."
>"Go to bed and leave the fog people alone."
>l explain the light to her.
>"lt's probably just a manifestation of the fog people."
>This is why we couldn't work. You're fucking insane to be okay with this crazy shit.
>Go back to Mark and Cleo's place, lock the door and hide under the blankets.

>Years ago, thought I was in love.
>Hot engaged to an irish hotty.
>Good times.
>Her Step-Dad liked me, we drank together.
>They lived in a farming community. Next to Amish strangely enough.
>They owned property, about 80 acres or so.
>60% of the property is wooded.
>Step-Dad and I are walking in said woods.
>He's kinda half drunk, half serious and he starts going off about how the woods are in his blood.
>"Oh yeah? Are you related to Woody the Woodpecker?"
>Lets call him Appleseed.
>Appleseed chuckles and says no, he's part Maliseet, a tribe from here in Maine.
>"That's cool, is that why you don't get sunburned."
>"No, it means I turn into a fucking wolf."
>Haaa, no.
>I stop in my tracks and grab his shoulder.
>"You can't be that drunk already."
>"l'm not kidding. Let me show you my alter."
>OhfucklndianJuJu.
>I follow him quite a ways down in. So far I can't hear cars anymore, or really much more than some annoying birds.
>He leads me to a clearing, man made, that sits at the bend of a river.
>Rushing water.
>He stands near the edge, and places his hand on a carved stump.
>Lots of faces carved into it, birds, wolves, foxes, etc.
>lt's not a totempole, it's just a tree trunk with shit carved into it. Looks super old.
>He pats the side of it and asks me to come touch it too.
>I touch it, feels like slimey wood.
>"Okay."
>He shakes his head.
>"Be glad she loves you. You're as mortal as they come my friend."
>I shrug.
>"Means I won’t be chilling with wood I guess."
>He chuckles and we go back to the house for dinner.
>A few weeks later, I get a call from his wife asking me if I’ve seen him.
>"No, he's your husband."
>"Don't get smart, he's been missing for too long."
>I come over with the fiancee and we go down into the woods.
>Blood and guts everywhere.
>Sheep body parts all over.
>I stop in the path, as we get closer.
>"You two should go back."
>Ohfuckyoulwanttogoback.
(cont)

>They go back up the hill.
>l grab a branch from the side of the path and hold it like a club.
>l get closer to where his alters were.
>No birds.
>l step into the clearing, and I spot the alter he showed me, caked in blood.
>Sheep’s head resting on top of it.
>The ground is covered in shreds of his clothing.
>Appleseed is no where to be found.
>There’s a fire going though, in a rock pit that he made I guess.
>He’s got a piece of stone in the middle of it that's making the fire green and blue.
>l can hear a bunch of rustling in the bushes ail around me.
>There’s a feeling in me, like I should run.
>My feet stay planted as I hold the branch up, ready to swing.
>Appleseed steps out from the bushes behind me.
>l turn and swing.
>He catches the branch.
>He's like 53 or some shit.
>l'm 23 or some shit.
>Holy shit.
>He's naked by the way.
>Ughk.
>Appleseed is covered in blood.
>lt's caked under his nails.
>He's got it in his hair.
>His balls have blood on them.
>He smiles to me, his teeth are bright yellow.
>'Told ya."
>He says tugging the branch out of my hands like I'm a toddler holding a whiffle batt.
>l step back from him as he kneels down to pick up his glasses.
>"Why?"
>"Had to prove something to you."
>"What the fuck could killing sheep have to do with proving anything to me?"
>"Had to prove that you don't belong in this family."
>Goodpointbyethen.
>l leaned over and grabbed his shirt.
>"Uh, here.. Clean your balls off."
>l basically died on my way up the hill. I felt him following me the whole way.
>l didn't look back, but I could hear his feet on the twigs and branches in the path.
>He stayed a breath's space away from me the whole way.
>Get back up to the girls.
>"He's just camping. Guys stuff. Better leave him alone."
>Broke up with Fiancee, found out later she was cheating on me anyway.
>Don’t go in the woods on a full moon.

>2011
>Get a call from Central come get the Deville, Lady Cassidy called, monthly shopping trip to Portland.
>Lady Cassidy is my favorite client.
>71.
>Wouldtapthat/10
>Time to go to Portland and take her shopping.
>l load up and head south with her.
>Lady Cassidy was an aid to Guilani when he was mayor of NYC.
>Fat pension plan.
>Lady Cassidy stays at the Hilton in the Old Port.
>l take her there, and stay in the room connected to her's, and act as her body guard.
>We shop most of the afternoon.
>DamnDatAss.
>Take her bags to her room, and she gives me my room key.
>"You go out tonight David. I'm going to see if I can wrangle one of those Philippino boys down stairs."
>"You sure are a sultry one. Lady Cassidy."
>"You know it honey."
>Leave her and go for a walk around town.
>The Old Port is my favorite place in Maine.
>l stop by Gingko Blue, the local jazz bar and catch up with a few college pals of mine.
>Get a wee bit too drunk.
>End up wandering the old fish factory docks wayyy after closing.
>Buddies are passed out somewhere else.
>Sit down next to a black guy who is fishing at 2 or 3 am.
>"Hey man, room for one more?"
>The black guy nods and pats the dock next to him.
>l plop down.
>He's a Somali, they migrated here like the swallows a few years back.
>"Hello friend, are you from Maine?" He asks.
>"Damn straight, lack of a tan give it away?"
>He laughs and jiggles his fishing rod like that'll make a difference.
>"How about you?"
>"Somalia my friend, used to work an oil rigger, now I cook for the Empire."
>"Righteous! I'm so happy for you."
>l don't remember much leading up to the next part but I came to when he mentioned dead people.
>"My friend, what about the bridge that connects South Portland to North Portland."
>North Portland, you're adorable.
>"Dunno, I’m from farther up the coast."
>"A lot of people say that there's a man that lives under there that eats other people."
>"That's some heavy shit."
(cont)

>"That's some heavy shit."
>"Heavy?"
>"Just an expression."
>”Well the people that live near there say they hear the cries of children."
>"Children?"
>"Yes, the police go there, but find nothing but old fire pits."
>"That's kinda weird."
>"Yes."
>"You seem to know more about this than me, tell me the story."
>"lt's said that there were a family of them. A boy and his sister that escaped the Friendless Boys Home a very long time ago."
>Turns out that's true, btw. Real place.
>’They escaped and lived under that bridge."
>'They had no money, and so they stole people’s animals and ate them."
>'They had children together, and still lived that way. Hiding from people who came looking."
>"So today, it's said that this man under the bridge is the Kermudgen that lives under the bridge."
>"Kermudgen huh?"
>"Yes, and he steals children from their own backyards."
>"Long black finger nails, and yellow teeth."
>"Well, that's a bit too much for me."
>l got up and staggered away.
>"Just stay away from the bridge!"
>He shouted after me, I waved him off and staggered to the hotel.
>Lady Cassidy and I had breakfast and she confirmed the Friendless Home, and that it was an insane asylum way back at the early part of the 20th century.
> AlIofmywhatthefucks.