Line 4

	>, to be honest.

	I really don't know why you decided to put this here, and a later line makes it even more confusing. I think you know the one

	>typical sweatervest

	why.jpg

	>night like tonight..

	You used two periods in a place where either 1 or 3 would have been acceptable

	>only given light from

	I think "by" would sound better than "from"

Line 6

	 - yeah, it threw me off when she told me her plans for university as well -

	Temporary lapse into second person, since Hisao acknowledges the reader (or in this case, their reaction to interior designing. Which might not even be one of surprise if they had read the fic that came before this). I'd advise replacing this with "-that one caught me by surprise-" instead.

Line 10

	>boring 'smart science people things'

	This just seems kinda degrading. She's a borderline "computer nerd" herself, at least from a little of what we've seen in KS, and this paints her as a ditz or a valley girl of some kind. She is feminine, not a tomboy, but this is going too far in my opinion.

Line 15

	>I'm surprised she hasn't noticed yet

	Is he really surprised about that? I know I said myself that she's kinda bright, but not psychic.

	>honestly, honestly

	adverb abuse

Line 19

	Her voice is tugging at his hand?

Line 27

	>What feels like five minutes

	Five minutes is a pretty exact measurement for something based on a "feel"

Line 31

	>and I don't mean nature

	If you're talking about the park's beauty, I don't think nature is the best way to mention it. Truth be told, I think I'd rather this park of the line be axed.

Line 33

	>I offer a seat to her first, which she graciously accepts, before flopping down beside her, drawing her close to my chest.

	Jesus Christ, this sentence. I just don't know where to begin. Read it out loud to yourself. Then rewrite it, please.

	>the anticipation of the upcoming moment beginning to weigh me down a bit

	I know this is about his heart having issues, but what if you had a play on words about how it's simultaneously uplifting?

Line 37

	>Hana

	Did I tell you about nicknames yet? Hana-chan would be the only culturally correct one (technically Hanako-chan would as well, but that's semantics since nobody would actually decline to truncate the -ko) and I think you should do things right if you insist on doing them in the first place. It's not like him saying Hanako instead would ruin the moment.

Line 39

	>We sat here under the stars during the summer that we moved in together, talking about our future and having one of the most personal moments of our entire relationship. I remember it as if it had just happened yesterday, especially the tender kiss I received before our departure back home.

	My memory isn't so good; did you actually write this?

Line 49

	>pure confusion

	Time for me to be more needlessly bitchy than ever. I can see "pure" being interpreted two different ways here. "Pure" as in 100% or "pure" as in angelic or something like that. If it is the latter, I might suggest using "innocent" instead. Likewise, confusion has a almost-negative undertone. I'd suggest using speculation instead; it also phonetically resembles "spectacle", as in something that is incredibly eye-catching, breath-taking, or beautiful.

	I know that this all sounds dumb as hell, but I hope it teaches you to keep an eye out for words with multiple interpretations and words that resemble others with positive connotations. I know that that latter point is kind of hard since Latin made it so that the same prefixes always mean the same things (such as Mal- always meaning bad or unpleasant) but since English is a bastard language, there will be cases of crossovers.

Line 51

	>even though I never really had an opportunity to rehearse

	The fact that he tacked on this clause to the end of the sentence detracts from the "unlabored flawlessness" that you just brought up. Try to make the prose reflect the situation, as long as it doesn't butcher the prose too much in the process in the event of a undesirable situation.

	>streams of moisture

	It, uh, looks like you took my advice about not calling them streams of water, but I don't know how much of an improvement this is.

	>flies down onto her knees

	I like the use of the word "flies" to denote speed, but flying "down onto her knees" doesn't make much sense.

Line 53

	>a moment

	This seems to imply that there's another moment of pure love. Just use "this moment" instead to show that you're talking about the same event. (Which you are, right?)

Lines 71 through 75

	Nice sentiments, but it seems highly resemblant of the last lines in Lilly's good end.

>X is a song by Y
Why I oughtta... Pow! Right in the kisser!