On 04/25/2015, at 10:33 PM, Mischy wrote:
> So... You're right. Believe me, I know. I know I have been and it's something I've been struggling with.

I've been very stressed out and that does go back for quite a bit longer than you might think, though it's gotten noticeable these last two months with the way I've been acting.
Um, the ocd... the things I do... Well, it's often constantly circled around you. Before I explain that better, let me go through the majority of the things I do so you'll understand why it's stressing me out as much as it is.
I will replace every single object I put down an exaggerated amount of times until it feels right, you really have no idea how excessive this one is. I really mean every single object which I waste quite a bit of time doing every single time. I will rinse almost everything I eat from until it feels right before using it, then shake the water out until it feels right, both of those also being an exaggerated amount of times. I will spin my locker around zero, exaggerated amount of times again, and once I'm satisfied with the amount of times, I will pull it back behind zero and back in front of the one repetitively, until that feels right too, stopping somewhere comfortable after the zero. If I accidentally move it when I let go of it, I restart. I do this every single time I use my locker. My socks... I have to put one on my left foot first, then my right... both have to be a specific color for me to feel okay. (You'll understand why later)
When I use the browser, I will open a new tab and close it, repeating this... again, an exaggerated amount of  time... until I stop on a tab that feels okay to use, and use that one. Looking at a picture on my iPod, I have to click the picture before it and slide towards the one I wanted to look at just after it. I'll do things such as having to not be looking at the screen before you answer, only look after it's answered which is all luck, Have all my limbs curled up in the parameters of the seat before you answer, be in a certain place, doing a certain thing before you answer. I will open the fridge door and have to run to a certain tile before I hear it close, if I derped that for any silly reason, I will restart but I'm automatically stuck on the idea that something will go wrong. (again, you'll understand later). My stomach thing... that one is your exception here, you'd know why. But there's something related to it that is and isn't much of an exception at once, it depends of the moment: I will put my finger between the entrance of my vagina, flicking a certain amount of times until it feels like I did it enough again. Before putting underwear and pants on, I will brush off the middle of them a certain amount of times before quickly pulling them up before "it's too late". Schoolwork, I will overdue how much a retrace certain letters, things, or highlight things. This comes back to my "reputing things down until I did it enough" that I mentioned at the start,  but with the caps of my pens, how many times I click a pen, the way I put a pencil back into my pencil case, the way I'll do anything, basically.

So, I know I'm probably forgetting quite a few... but I think you've gotten enough of it >.<

So, going back to this now "Um, the ocd... the things I do... Well, it's often constantly circled around you."

All of those, excluding the exceptions I stated (stomach and all)... Basically, you know how people with ocd do the things they do because they have intrusive thoughts, usually someone they care about getting hurt, whatever.

Well, mine didn't used to be like this, heck, it didn't used to be this excessive.. then again I was younger, it's said that it sometimes gets worse with time. It started out as things that were  simply bothering me for the most part, causing compulsions, from what I can remember, but I don't recall many intrusive thoughts.
But... back to the point. All of those, my bad thoughts resolve around you... along the lines of things simply going wrong, whether it be an argument or way ahead of me in the future; losing you. Or, I have to do it the right in order to have that perfect future together we keep imagining, otherwise that goes wrong too. I have to do it right or something bad will happen to one of us, death, you name it. When I do it right, I guess I feel a little reassured, like the night should be good together, that we'll feel cuddly and happy, that I won't hurt you about something or nothing will go wrong.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not actually blaming the ocd completely for the way I've been behaving. (going to go into that below)
But I am saying it's a massive part of why I'm so damn stressed out, even if I don't show it constantly, which is affecting what I'm about to explain.


I think I've repeated a lot that I'm not like this normally (the behavior towards you, clingy, getting upset so quickly over the smallest things, the hints of jealousy, you name it..) ... that's because it was true... I don't think I need to justify this, I'm sure you see the difference from our first two, three months together compared to now.

This... what we have, it turned into so much to me. We've even gone to saying "true love". How much I've grown to feel for you has been making me so sensitive; the little things that aren't supposed to be bad, that are okay for you to do, I've been seeing and automatically get this silly crushed feeling that I shouldn't have because it wasn't anything truly bad, just a silly little detail.

So... there's me who's stressed out over things surrounding us because of the ocd... and then while I'm trying to overcome over that, there's what I just tried to explain; So when I derp up one of my compulsions, or merely just the stress of it, knowing what it's about... when I see the things I've mentioned, what you've been feeling targeted by me about...  I uh.. I just break down.

And this comes to me explaining why I'm telling you I understand when we're in the middle of one of those "freak outs"... it's because I truly do. I take notice of what I'm freaking out about, and I'm aware a good part of the time it's extremely unreasonable of me and so god damn unfair to you... I'm aware, I truly am, I truly understand. I understand your side of it, I understand what you're telling me, I understand what I'm being upset about shouldn't be made into a big deal because I'm aware of it, I'm struggling with not bringing them up to you constantly and turning them into big deals. I'm honestly struggling so much with it... it's making you feel targeted, constantly scolded... and I feel so fucking bad that I'm doing this to you. I told you about fearing that the little things I kept pointing out to you would reach a time where you grew annoyed and tired of it, squished by it. I never wanted to do that to you and it's eating me out inside that I have.


None of this, absolutely none of it excuses me, how I've been to you... I've been terrible to you.
I really can't apologize to you enough, tell you how sorry I am... I'm just so incredibly sorry. I'm so fucking sorry..

I'm terrified of this making you think it's best not to be together... of it pushing you away, of the way I've been behaving leaving scars

I believe I mentioned trying to be perfect for you the time I was extremely freaking out about the drawing... it's because I want to be perfect for you so much, make you happy. When I talk to you I'm constantly over thinking what I'm saying to you, wanting it to be just right for you.
And because of the stress, it increasing the things I fixate on because of how much I feel for you... I keep fucking it up, I keep causing arguments, putting you down because I need some sort of understanding from you along with reassurance that I really was just freaking out again.

Then I feel worse every time it happens... it comes back to the "I understand". I'm aware and I feel like..

On 04/25/2015, at 10:35 PM, Mischy wrote:
> And... I'm feeling extremely bad for the fact that you think I hold those things against you (the sleep, work, classes..) Because I truly... so fucking truly do not. I truly didn't intend to target you about them earlier, and they are things I understand and accept, care for you about... if you don't believe me here I just... I don't fucking know what to do, that really would crush me. I've always cared for those matters with you, supported you as much as I could

On 04/25/2015, at 10:35 PM, Mischy wrote:
> And I know... I'm rambling on so bad..

On 04/25/2015, at 10:35 PM, Mischy wrote:
> I'm just so fucking sorry, Zach

On 04/25/2015, at 10:35 PM, Mischy wrote:
> I get if I ruined what we had..

On 04/25/2015, at 10:36 PM, Mischy wrote:
> It already started affecting you.. I wish I never hurt you

On 04/25/2015, at 10:41 PM, Mischy wrote:
> You've been so good to me.. and I just

On 04/25/2015, at 10:41 PM, Mischy wrote:
> I've been terrible