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  1. <b>Koktails With Khloé</b> S01E02 (FYI)
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  3. <i>"You know what's my drinking name? Khloémoney.“</i>
  4. -Khloémoney
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  6. I chose this quote on purpose, because it perfectly sums up the clusterfuck of bad decisions that lead to this reality / talk show. One, there is a surprising lack of drinking, which I believe was the whole point of this nonsense. Two, why Khloémoney? That's hard to say, especially when you are drunk. How about K-money? Sounds cool and it's even fun to say. K-money. Say it. You see?
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  8. Anyway, back to the show. So 3 different minxy cheetahs accompany Khloé's attentionseeking garbage by talking about nothing at all, which is the perfect fucking rececpie for a talk show. They stay on topic for about 4 seconds, they all scream over each other and if there is any direction of their vomit projectile, it's heading right next to the fucking toilet and nobody is there to clean it up. At one point, Khloé asks the quintesential question: „What about sex <i>on</i> money?“ Which I suppose was to be followed by „Oooooh no, K-money, you didn't! You so baaaaad, girl. So baaaaad.“ But, because the only bad thing around is the Kanyefucking script, they drop this topic after 10 seconds by saying nothing at all.
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  10. Because somebody with more than a quarter of a brain was working on the show, they quickly realized that to make things more interesting, these professional celebrities should also play a game or two. So Fake Oprah, some other version of K-money from Real Housewives (a show that puts „man“ right the fuck back into „emancipation“) and the third bad impression of a human being play a Tinder-inspired game of „would bang“, because fuck you. The only semi-interesting moment is when they talk whether they would scissor Cate Blanchet, during which Real Housewife's reality show training kicks in and she starts saying smart shit on camera, praising Cate and gaining half a street(walker) cred.
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  12. At one point, I alt-tabbed out and I came back to all of them screaming. Half expecting that the National Guard is kicking in the doors after being called to an obvious terrorist thread, filling the room with flashbangs and just mindlessly spraying the whole godforsaken place with lead, I unfortunately came to a realization that this is just a different game, some sort of an awkward version of Never Have I Ever, which prompted all of them to run around room screaming, while K-money orders them to „Screaaaam, bitcheeees“ and „Jiggle them tits!“. To make things even more suicidal, the other K-money makes a prank call to her sister, saying she is pregnant. After having to persuade her sister for a painful minute or two, she then gets a small lesson about what being a mum is and... well, it's as horrificly misguided failure as it sounds.
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  14. Then Snoop Doggy G walks in to finalize the verdict of this crapfest. When even he, one of the greatest talk show guests, cannot elevate this mess above the ground zero level by talking about weed, then there is only one thing that can: slipknot.
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  16. They key feature of this fecal matter is that it could have been fixed by some ideas and direction. Look, K-money, here are two suggestions:
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  18. 1) It's right in the fucking title, next to your own made-up name. Koktails. If you have a different coktail each show, well how about you do a discussion thematically tied to the goddamn cocktail?
  19. 2) During the Tinder game, there should have been a picture of Doggy G. Imagine the hilarity if they would talk about banging him, not knowing he will later drop by.
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  21. But all of that would require some effort other than „I am famous, so let's do this shit.“ Miserable experience <b>1/10</b>
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