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- "UnFunny Nigga story #1: Zebra's are from Oakland"
- =========================================================================================================
- >Day 1974
- >You have borrowerd a shit ton of money from some nice Zebras.
- >You haven't been able to pay them back.
- >That was 100 days ago.
- >You hear some music over in the distance.
- "Is... That rap..?"
- > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIeSGUK-Lyo
- >Oh shit.
- >You see a pimped out cart roll in to town.
- >Dem rims.
- "Wonder what they need?"
- >They have baseball bats in hoof.
- "How are they holding them?"
- >The get out infront of your house.
- >"EY YO DAWG, WERE OUR MONI AT!?"
- "I do not have it yet, I need some more time. About one more month should suffice."
- >They break down your door. That song still playing.
- >" NIGGA, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HAD DAT SHIT BY NOW."
- >He cracks the baseball bat ageist your head.
- >You're on the ground, bleeding.
- >he starts stomping your face.
- >Hooves hurt.
- >"WE TAKEN YO SHIT."
- >Joke's on them, you HAVE no shit. You bought the house with the money you borrowed.
- >"EY YO GUY'S, TAKE THE HOUSE."
- >LOLWUT?
- >The house starts to float, leaving the floor behind.
- >Twilight has betrayed you.
- >Fucking Zebra Swag.
- >Once the house is away, they all proceed to beat you to a pulp.
- >Even Twilight joins in.
- >Rainbow Dash flies by and see's what's happening.
- >She land's and starts beating you up too.
- "I FOUGH WE AS BO'S"
- >You yell through broken teeth.
- >"This is for not realizing my feelings for you!"
- >She's crying.
- >After about ten minutes, they stop.
- >You're barely alive, and somehow still conscious.
- >Everything is broken. Even your heart.
- >They all leave.
- >Rainbow Dash stay for a second, tears streaming down her eyes, then darts away.
- >After they all leave, you hear a bush move.
- >You see flutter shy getting out of the bush.
- >you try to speak to her
- "floanark arnt bye bettish"
- >She looks at you disappointingly and leaves.
- Beetus Anon
- ============================================================================================================
- >you have Type two Beetus.
- >You have a lifetime supply of Insulin.
- >One day you, and your Insulin are teleported to a land of ponies.
- >Find out that it's called Equestria.
- >Meet pink pony that eats too much cake.
- "Your gunna get the Beetus if you eat cake to much"
- >"What's beetus?"
- "It's baaaaad stuff man"
- >She ignores your warning, and proceeds to throw you a party.
- >Too much cake there.
- >After about two years, she get diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.
- You run past her and yell
- "I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE BEETUS GIRL, I TOLD YOU GIRL."
- Brainless Jet Builder
- =========================================================================================================
- >Day 666 in Equestria.
- >You have been trying to get a big achievement ever scene you came here.
- > You finally got one.
- >You made a jet.
- >Took a lot of time and bit's to do so.
- >But you made it.
- >You walk out side and see rainbow dash
- >"Hey, what's up?"
- "Just the biggest achievement in my life."
- >"Really? What's that?"
- >You show her the jet.
- >"That's... What IS that?"
- "Its a thing that allows me to fly. Built her from scratch."
- >"Wow. But.. It could be about 20% cooler..."
- "Hey. It's my biggest achievement ever. So shut it. Do you see me mocking yours? No... Wait... What IS your biggest achievement?"
- >"Mine? Well..."
- >She raised a hoof to ponder.
- >"Oh! One time, I flew so fast, that i gave all my friends puberty."
- >wat.
- >Gave her friends... Puberty?
- >Brain?
- >Yea anon?
- >Can we ever beat that?
- >I don't think so...
- >Shit.
- "Well.. Uh.. Wanna see if i can beat you in a race with my jet?"
- >"YOUR ON!"
- >You walk back inside and get in your jet.
- >You get in and check all the controls.
- >Everything's Okay.
- >You get on the runway you made.
- "ON THE GREEN LIGHT. WE GO."
- >She nods.
- >The light turns green, and you take off.
- >You suddenly realize you don't know how to fly a jet.
- >Brain, you there buddy?
- >FUCK YOU ANON, I'M OUT.
- >Your head opened up and your brain jumps out with a briefcase and hat on.
- >It takes the only parachute.
- >It jumps out.
- >Well, shit, heart, can you help?
- >HURRRRRRRRRR
- >Uhh, heart? Why aren't you beating?
- >Shit. I'm fucked.
- The Mage
- =========================================================================================================
- >Be night in Ponyville
- >Be Anonymous the Wise
- >You are reading your favorite Fire spell tome.
- >you hear knock on doorand magic it open.
- >Rainbro walk's in from outside.
- >"Hey Anon! What's up?"
- >She raise's her hoof, witch you proceed to bump.
- "Nothing much, bro. Just reading this classic."
- >"Pfft, egghead"
- "It thought me how to make fire."
- >"Errr, okay... Hey, why don't you put away the book and come get a drink with me?"
- Sure, I game."
- >"Sweet, lets go."
- "Hold up, lemme get my shit"
- >You go and grab your hat and staff.
- "Let's do this shit. First one to the bar pays."
- >"YOU'RE ON."
- >Your hands start to glow as you cast your flight spell..
- >You start floating in the air.
- >"Wait. Scene when could you fly?"
- "All the time bro, I AM a mage after all, just a simple matter of enchanting my shoes with a flight spell, and I can fly faster then an F-16 fighter jet. Or in your case, about as fast as you."
- >"Well then, things just got more interesting."
- >You and your bro assume a starting position.
- "And.. GO"
- >You are engulfed in blue sparks, and are out front of the bar in a rocking chair while reading last weeks newspaper.
- >About 2 min later Rainbow appears in sight, looking triumphant.
- >She land's and turns around, not noticing you.
- >"Maybe I went TOO fast..."
- >You put down the paper, and light a pipe.
- >She hears this and turns around.
- >She's more or less startled.
- >"huh, wha.. HOW?"
- >Pipe in mouth you speak to her.
- "My dear, you lost as soon as you set the destination. It was just a simple matter of teleporting my way here."
- >"You cheated!"
- "It's not like you never do it. But, if it means anything to you, I never intended to have you pay for my drinks."
- >As you say this, the ground shake's as a portal opens off in the distance.
- >Rainbow look's off at the portal.
- >"Isn't that the same way you got here?"
- "It is... I wonder what's crossing of at this moment..."
- >"I wonder if it's a better drinking buddy."
- >She jabs you playfully in the shoulder.
- "No, it's too far gone... Might as well see what come's through."
- >As you say this, a man of a large build comes walking through the portal, in armour that appers to be made of Dragon Bones.
- "Well now. Wasn't expecting that.
- >You walk up to to the strange man.
- "Can you tell me who you are..?"
- >The man looks at you, and get in your face and yell's:
- >"I. AM DOVAKIIN. DRAGON BORN!"
- >Spittle from his yell get's in your face, and you wipe it off.
- "Well, you didn't have to yell it.
- >"FUS RO DAH"
- >You get blown 50 feet back, by what ever magic he is using.
- "THAT was unexpected... It seem's you can't stay in the peaceful world. Pity. You look like you have been through a lot..."
- >As you say that, your hands glow with power, and a hole appears and he sink's into it.
- "Well now that that's done..."
- >You turn to Rainbro.
- "IT'S TIME TO GET SHIT FACED!"
- >She stares at you for a moment.
- >"What just happened?"
- >By the time she addressed you, you were already inside the bar.
- >You were sitting fairly close to the entrance so Rainbro could find you.
- *end*
- ==================================================================================================
- >You are Anonymous.
- >You are rolling around in your pimped out wheelchair.
- >or at least you think it's pimped out.
- >Being blind and all.
- >You start rolling somewhere when you hear someone shout "LOOK OUT FOR THE TRUCK".
- >You are then ran over by a 18 wheeler driven by a member of the KKK.
- >This is.. Odd...
- >You don't feel run over...
- >Infact... You feel like you could walk!
- >You open your eyes and can see.
- "Oh, Lwardy! Je peux voir!"
- >Bad thing is. You're falling.
- >You land on a rock, breaking your spine.
- "Well, SHIT."
- >You look down to see that you are black.
- "Huh. Never knew THAT."
- >A few hours later you see something fly down at you.
- >It's a fucking buzzard.
- >It hits your right eye, and gouges out the second one.
- >You grab its neck and kill the fucker, while screaming out in pain.
- >"Hey, What was that?"
- >Oh thank GOD!
- "Help! Over here! Somefucking bird just gouged my eyes out! I also broke my back!"
- >"Stay there! I'll be there in 10 seconds!"
- >Yeah. You'll stay there. Not like you can fucking walk.
- >Ture to the voices word, the person is there in about ten seconds.
- >"Oh my god! What are you?"
- >Oh boy.
- "What, you never seen a blind black man in a wheelchair before?"
- >"Oh no, I'm sorry. Here, let me just help you... We need to get you back to the hospital. They'll be able to help."
- "Thanks for this."
- >You feel yourself get lifted and pass out from pain.
- >You wake up a few minutes later in a bed that felt too small for you.
- "Infirmière, j'ai besoin de poulet frit plus!"
- >You hear something that sound like running.
- >"We came as we heard you yelling, was there something that you needed?"
- "Uh, yeah, can you tell me what happened? I don't remember..."
- >"Well, when Ms. Dash brought you in, it looked like you feel a good 50 feet onto your back..."
- >"She found you next to a buzzard, that seemed to have eaten your eyes. Or at least, one. It was dead... We think you killed it."
- "Did she bring it back with her?."
- >”...What..?”
- “Did she bring it with her? Buzzard makes for a good replacement for fried chicken.
- >"Uhh... No...”
- >You hear someone else enter the room.
- >“Oh, yes. It would seem that you have a visitor."
- "Really? Et qui peut-il être?"
- >"What? Uhh, it's Rainbow Dash. she's the one who draged you in here."
- "Ah, Okay, let her in. I want to thank her."
- >"Alright. Let me go get her."
- >The two people leave.
- >About 2 minutes pass before you hear someone enter the room.
- >"Hey, you doing okay?"
- "Well... I feel the same as i did before I fell. The pain to the eyes is new. I also have a strange craving for watermelon."
- >You hear a laugh.
- "What, is my pain funny to you? Racist bitch."
- >"Hey, no need to be rude! That was uncalled for."
- "Right, sorry. You did save me...Oh, yeah, about that. Thank you for that."
- >"Hey, no problem. One thing though, you owe me one!"
- "When I get out, I'll try to help.. But not sure what a broke blind nigga can do for someone who sounds so... confident."
- >You feel a punch in your shoulder.
- >"Just tell me about yourself. You seem interesting. Hey, I have to go now, I have to help my friend set up something. I'll catch you later..."
- "Call me. Anonymous. Or Tyrone. Either one."
- >"Okay, See you Anon!"
- >You didn't give her permission to call you anon.
- >Cunt.
- >You shortly fall back asleep.
- ===================================================================================================
- >Day Acme in Equestria.
- >Today is the day you will FINALLY catch that blasted Pinkie Pie.
- >You spent the majority of the bits you earned on the Pony Catcher MK3.
- >It includes a piano, a net, some cupcakes, some apples, a quill, an imitation unicorn horn, parasprite plush, a copy of "Mens Health Magazine"...
- >Don't know where ponies got that...
- >A palm-tree, a wooden stake,Rocks, paper, scissors, Fishing line, and some rope.
- >You had to pay more for the rope, due to it not being made by Acme.
- >It was made by some... Xillian INC.
- >You also found a... Waiver?
- >The fuck's this for?
- >You fold it into a paper airplane, and throw it off.
- >You get upon the task of building the PC MK3.
- >The rope goes on the palm-tree, Which goes to the piano, which has the Cupcakes on top sitting next to the Mens health magazine.
- >The parasprite plush is on top of the quil, next to the paper.
- >Tied to the Quill is some fishing line, which is connected to the scissors, that then activates the net full of apples.
- >The apples will then fall onto the unicorn horn, which will then fling the rocks, and knock out Pinkie Pie.
- >it’s perfect.
- >All that’s left to do now, is wait.
- >You jump into the bushes nearby the trap.
- >About ten minutes later, you hear somep0ny walk towards it.
- >”CUPCAKES!”
- >Target Acquired.
- >She starts bouncing to the cupcakes, and grabs one.
- >Nothing happens.
- “What that..”
- >You walk out from your hiding spot.
- >”Heya Anon! You still trying to catch me?”
- >You mumble to her under your breath, and grab a cupcake.
- >Oh shit.
- >The trap activates, and the piano flings you.
- >You passout.
- >you wake up, after what feels like days, to see the waiver on your face.
- >*This trap doesn’t work on Pinkamenia Diane Pie. If attempted to be used on her, the user may die. We are not at liberty if this happens.*
- >You hear a pony walk up to you.
- >The waiver is taken off your face and you see it’s pinkie.
- >”Better luck next time anon?”
- >She then pulls some Roadrunner BS and runs off.
- ==
- Dr. Riddles
- Day Riddles in EQ.
- >You're having a stand of with the Mane 6 for no reason.
- >You just felt like having a stand off.
- "Now, WATCH AS I CALL UPON MY 6 DEADLY ASSASSINS! Each one has their own super power!"
- >You call upon Snowflake.
- "Snowflake has the power of Steroids!"
- >S: "YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!"
- >Next up is Gilda!
- "Gilda here, has the power to be a massive cunt!"
- >G:" Hey, WATCH IT ASSHOLE! I'll rip you a new one!"
- >Ignoring her, you call upon your next assassin, Anonymous.
- "This here fellow has the power of HORRIBLE luck! Wait, what do you mean I'm Anonymous? I'm the All Knowing Dr. Riddles!"
- >Now you call upon Flim and Flam.
- "These two here can scam you out of your money!"
- >F&F: "Hey, we're not con artists!"
- >Derpy is next up!
- "Derpy here has the power of Iron Ass. She can somehow smash anything with her flank, no matter how hard. Too bad she's as dumb as a door nail..."
- >D: "Muffins!"
- >You let out a sigh.
- >Now it's...
- "Scootaloo!"
- They give Scoots a weird look.
- >You now call out...
- "Big Mac! his ability is to smooth talk his way in, or out, of anything!"
- >BM: "Eeeyup."
- >You let out a sigh, "Such a way for words..."
- >And last, but not least...
- "Blueblood! He's ablitiy is his money. That's it."
- >BB: "Why, I say!"
- "Now... Here we go!"
- >TS: "Girls, they're going to attack!"
- "Which one of these don't belong?"
- >They fall over on to their sides.
- >They all pick them selves up, and at the same time say "Cheerilee"
- "That is correct!"
- >you turn to your group.
- "Thank you guys for your time, you may leave now."
- >TS: "Wait, that's it!? You're not going to fight us?!"
- "Heavens no, I'd die if I did that!"
- >You run as fast as your legs carry you as Twilight chases you.
- >Today was a Kid day.
- ==
- >Day I don't even in Equestria.
- >You've been in EQ for a few months.
- >After befriending the mare named Pinkie Pie, you two have massive fun
- >She's been pushing you into groups of other ponies in your giant hamster ball.
- >Oh, yeah. Forgot to mention that you have to live in this ball or the pony germs will kill you.
- >Well, at least that’s what YOU think.
- >Today is going to be especially fun.
- >You got your hands on some powerful rockets.
- >Only a few ponies know what rockets do.
- >So you being the little asshole you are, decide to hook one up to Rainbow Dash's tail.
- >Let’s see how fast she can REALLY fly.
- >You find pinkie and tell her your plan.
- " ‘Whale’ pinkie, I think it's time for us to do the biggest prank I can think of."
- >"Oh! What is it?!"
- >You roll over to the rockets.
- "See these here rockets? I ‘reely’ think that there would be some good fun in attaching them to Rainbow Dash's tail."
- >"I don't know... That sounds kinda mean..."
- "Well, let ‘minnow’ if you think up a better idea for these rockets.
- >You start to roll away, but stop when she walks in front of you
- >"Alright. I'm game."
- "Sweet. Let’s kick some ‘bass’."
- >She giggles at the bad pun.
- >After a few minutes of looking, you find her practicing her 'moves' near her house.
- >Pinkie yells up to her, "HEY! RAINBOW! I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU!"
- >Pinkies sudden yelling made her break concentration and she ended up running into a tree.
- >You watch from a distance as pinkie hops to Rainbows side.
- >You can't go anywhere near RD
- >She doesn’t like you.
- >By the time Pinkie gets there, RD has already re-positioned herself into a sitting position.
- >You can't hear the conversation they are having, but you know the plan worked when you see Pinkie attach a rocket to RD's tail.
- >You start giggling to yourself as you watch Pinkie light the fuse.
- >She quickly runs to your location.
- >RD takes off just as the fuse hits the base of the rocket.
- >It goes off.
- >What happened next is something that you can only describe as pure entertainment.
- >RD is getting pulled around in all sorts of loops and twists.
- >And that’s when something bad happens.
- >The rocket turns towards you.
- >You start to roll out of the way, but get stuck on a root.
- >Fuckfuckfuck
- >Within seconds the rocket is at your ball.
- >It bursts your bubble, and gets imbedded into a tree.
- >On the end of the rocket is a very pissed off Rainbow Dash.
- "Uhhh... Shit, COME ON GERMS ‘KRILL’ ME!"
- >You stand there with your arms out stretched.
- >A minute passes.
- >Nothing happens.
- >You open your left eye and see RD hovering in front of you.
- "I... Uh... I'm ‘reely’ sorry?"
- >That's all you can get out before she hits you in the face with her hoof.
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