zero7717's Submission

"Dave! How the hell are you? Get in the car, we're running a little late today. Little accident on the highway this morning."

"An accident?"

"Nothing huge, some trucker must've tried to do a wheely -- I mean nobody's seriously injured, don't gimme that look, but yeah, traffic got all kinds of fucked -- oh, hey guys, this is Dave, the new guy! Everyone say 'Hi, Dave!'"

"Hi Dave, I'm Robin!"

"Hey, I'm Stevens."

"And I'm Seamus. Welcome to the Accounting Carpool, you're gonna be hanging out with us for an hour every morning. First rule of Accounting Carpool: No fight clubs. Second rule of Accounting Carpool: Whoever's turn it is to drive? They have full dictatorship over the internal sound system. Anybody who complains gets sent to the gulag."

"You might wanna write these down."

"Third rule of Accounting Carpool: Every week, you earn one PERESTROIKA POINT. You can spend one Perestroika Point at any time during Accounting Carpool to call for a vote to change the radio station. Whoever's driving gets two votes, and there's four of us, so the revolution'll have to be unanimous against him or her. Fourth rule of Accounting Carpool -- You can spend THREE Perestroika Points to call for a vote to amend the Rules of Accounting Carpool--"

"(seriously, there's gonna be a written test on this later)"

"--still counts for two, so choose the day of legislature carefully. Rule five, under no circumstances -- hold on, Robin, we might need to take a detour here -- no, they got it mostly cleared up, don't run over the cockatrices, they're denser than they look--"

"The WHAT?"

"Cockatrices, Dave, whole truck full of 'em tipped over this morning, had to take a detour, looks like the highway's clear now 'cept for the dang cockatrices all running around like they own the damn place--

"So seriously, actual cockatrices? The chickens that turn you to stone if they look at you?"

"No, dummy, it's when you look at them. I think they're lizard-chickens though--"

"No, that's basilisks. Cockatrices'll only do that if you hear 'em scream, but Dana's got Weird Al playing on full blast, so that oughta protect us."

"Aren't basilisks like giant snakes--"

"Only in Harry Potter, Seamus, and cockatrices don't petrify you with a scream, they'll sneak up on you while you're not looking and bite you with their venomous fangs--"

"They're fucking BIRDS! Birds don't have teeth! I think. Hold on, lemme look this uuuuup fuck, no bars. Dave, gimme your phone."

"It's an old dumbphone, no wikipedia."

"Robin?"

"I'm driving, that's a Rule Five and I'm invoking Rule Twelve."

"Aw, fuck, looks like I owe you a Perestroi--"

WHUMP

"Jesus!" "Geez!" "Fuck!" "Whoah!"

"Yeah, I told you that'll leave a dent. Keep driving, we'll have to check that out later but we're making good time. Anyway, Rule Six. The gambling of your points is a) restricted to the outcomes of sporting events and political elections, and b) strongly encouraged. Rule Seven . . ."