John.

It has come to my attention that communication via “gifts” is not likely to be very productive, particularly given our current circumstances, and so I intend to take a route markedly less easy to misinterpret.

You may play dumb all you like, John, but you and I both know you are more than capable of bestowing your actions with more than superficial meaning, and I do not appreciate being publicly mocked under the guise of “romantic displays of affection.”

To play a prank that is insensitive and upsetting is one thing and, to be frank, not entirely unexpected of you. Your tactlessness and seeming inability to take certain matters seriously is something I have long accepted, and ordinarily your apology would be satisfactory reparation. I know -- or, perhaps, was under the impression that -- you would not dredge up such memories in such a thoughtless fashion with any intention to harm.

However, your actions recently have amounted to what can only be construed as a deliberate statement. One-upmanship is a game with which I am exceedingly familiar, John; you cannot possibly have expected to fly vaguely aggressive, albeit passive, gestures under the radar before my very eyes, which leads me to conclude that you don’t mean to conceal your intentions. Why go to such lengths to prove your affection? I can interpret each public gesture you make in my name only as a pointed jab, a show not for myself but for your audience.

While making your objective this clear is certainly a step in a more honest direction, I confess I am rather dismayed that you should employ deception in the first place for anything more than one of your pranks. Motives you may debate, but this you cannot deny; you claim that you have no issues with our relationship, that you are happy, and comfortable, even while acting stiff and unpleasant in your own videos. It doesn’t take a psychologist to tell that something is amiss.

And here I thought that of all the people I know, all the people in this universe we worked so hard to create, you might be the one in whom I could unwaveringly, unerringly place my faith. I see now that I was wrong to assume you as sincere as you act, seeing as the feelings you claim are obviously not as genuine as you would lead me to believe. The evidence speaks for itself.