# On my way home from the Monmusu City video rental store I work for
# It's pretty late night, streets are dark and silent
# I notice a girl in the middle of the street a couple of blocks away
# A cold chill runs through my pelvis as I realize it's an Ushi-Oni
# She looks right at me, RAPE written or her eyes
# OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK
# I try to run away but immediately realize it's an useless effort
# She will catch up to me in no time
# I turn around the next corner and put my back against the wall
# Breathing heavily, my imminent doom makes my life flash before my eyes
# Memories of all the moments I still had a healthy intact pelvis
# Suddenly my flashback stops at one day when I was watching animal planet
# It was a show about the horned lizard, also known as the blood-squirting lizard
# This is my only chance
# I begin focusing my Ki, my muscles expand and my eyes get increasingly more bloodshot as my arterial pressure increases
# "Haaaaaaaaaa..."
# My heart is now beating much strong and faster than ever before, my blood pressure is so high I get a raging erection
# "HAAAAAAAAAAAA..."
# My eyes are completely red with fury now, my pulse is so strong my erection tears its way out of my pants
# The Ushi-Oni shows her face around the corner and beings to utter the words "Ara ar..."
# "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
# Her words are interrupted when I, like the threatened lizard, shoot a stream of my vital fluid right between her eyes
# In my case it takes the form of a mighty powerful ejaculation, the sheer force throwing her head back
# While the Oni stands in absolute bewilderment I disappear in the shadows of the city
And that is how I became the first grandmaster of the Horned Lizard school of self-defense martial arts.