Scraplootas vs. the 1st Membranes

The Emperor has forsaken us. Our world is doomed.

The greenskin hoard known as "The Scraplootas" had made designs upon our system. At first, I felt that our planetary defense forces would hold until at least a company of space marines could arrive and strike at the heart of the alien hoard.

But when they made planetfall upon the outermost world of our system, our plans had to change. Reports confirmed that the Orks had somehow taken control of an ancient Imperator titan for their own use. Without any massive war-engines in our own forces, help would be needed as soon as possible.

I informed the Lord Governor that we would need the full firepower of the Imperial Guard and titan support. As soon as my report was made, the call for help was placed. We welcomed the first loyal forces to hear our call.

We should of waited a bit longer.

At first we were ecstatic. An entire Guard regiment along with four titans! Emperor willing, we may even be able to keep them from entering our inner planets. However, when Commissar Marik read the reports on the incoming regiment, he did something that I thought no Commissar could do.

He wept. Not with joy, but sorrow.

Attempting to put that behind myself, I eagerly watched the live reports from the front lines at the system's 7th planet. I saw the guardsmen in their white coats take positions as the greenskin tide approached, preparing their weapons as their commanders issued orders. Finally, as the Orks had come close enough, the order to attack was given.

Not even the Emperor could prepare me for what I saw next.

Upon first contact with the enemy, I swear upon The Throne that at least a dozen of the guardsmen violently exploded upon their own accord. Lasgun fire mixed with more witchfire then I ever though possible. Confusion and panic spread through both armies. I saw Orks burst into flame and melt into green pools. Upon being hit by "shoota" fire, one guardsman began to vomit lighting upon friend and foe.

And then one of the guardsmen began to grow and his flesh was torn apart as a demonic form took his place, and unleashed the hell of the Warp upon all living beings in it's unholy sight.

If that wasn't horrible enough, Emperor preserve me, it happened again. As I watched the horror unfold, I swear I saw a Commissar turn his pistol upon himself.

Part of me almost hopes that we will be destroyed in this war, otherwise for the rest of my life I will be haunted by the nightmares that are the 1st Membranes.

"Wut. Da. Zog." This was just his luck.
It would be safe to say that Urtylug did not plan for this. He could barely believe his eyes. His mug dropped from his hand and would have hit the floor had Spiggot not been waiting for the possibility. The Warboss would be right sore if this one broke. It was his Taktikul Jeeneyus cup after all.
"Boris, you seein' dis too?"
"YES, WARBOSS."
"I knew our Kommandoz were zoggin' cunnin' gitz, but dis... It ain't Orky to 'ave gitz krumpin' demselves."
"WARBOSS, I DUN FINK ITZ OUR BOYZ DOIN' DAT. DA BUSHES AN' BOXES AN' BARRELS AIN'T FULLY SNEAKED IN YET." Sure enough, the various bits of camouflage sticking out in the sea of grots hadn't completely made their ways behind the front lines.
"So, dey be doin' dis to demselves?"
"YES, WARBOSS."

How do you get a proppa fight out of enemies that krump themselves? It was a sure fire way to stump an Ork. Don't use moral dilemmas or riddles or paradoxes. Be big and strong and tough, then when meeting on the battlefield, blow your own brains out without fear in your eyes. The grots were intimidated and the Orks around them were too puzzled to motivate them. Without making any noticeable dents in the Ork frontline, the 1st Membrane was turning the tide.

The Warboss lifted his hat to scratch at his head, "Dat ain't roight. Dere's nutt'n Orky about any uv dis." Weirdboyz sometimes 'eadboomed, but that wasn't their main strategy. Weirdboyz weren't that proppa Orky anyhow.

"Boris, give da call. We iz pullin' back." Urtylug watched one of the Imperial Guardsmen rupture and blossom into a daemon, which then turned around and started eating all of his surrounding allies.
"YOU SURE, WARBOSS?"
"Oi didn't stutta. We're leavin'. We nevah wanted ta loot from dese crazy gitz in the first place. Dey're too busy krumpin' demselves ta give us a proppa fight any'ow."
It was just his luck too. For all of his cunnin' and winnin' and taktikul jeeneyus, Urtylug was sure his luck was terrible. How else could he have ended up on another crazy git world?

There was a ragged cheer from the guardsmen as the waves of Orks lessened like a tide going out. They were too busy putting down their own far gone comrades to notice the four small space hulks lowering crane arms to haul the titan into the atmosphere.

Morale was low on the space hulks that day, and not even krumping grots left and right could improve it. Even Boris was quiet about being strung up like a roight git.
Urtylug swore his luck would change. He swore by Gork and Mork that this next world, this Tau world, he would fight and loot and krump on. His Scraplootas wouldn't leave the until they had sacked the world or looted it good, whichever came first.

Not too far away, on that Tau colony world, some blue git received her first spanner.