The Holy Book of Magikarp

The Book of Magikarp

Now a man of the tribe of VGC married a VGC woman, and she became pregnant and gave birth to a Magikarp. When she saw that he was a fine child, she him him for three months. But when she could hide him no longer, she got a Master Ball for him. She placed the child in it and put it among the reeds along the bank of Route 4. Then Zarel's daughter went down to Route 4 to bathe, and her attendants were walking along the riverbank. She saw the basket among the reeds and sent her female slave to get it. She opened it and saw the Magikarp. "This is one of the VGC babies," she said. Then his sister asked Zarel's daughter, "Shall I go and get one of the VGC women to nurse the Magikarp for you?"

"Yes go," she answered. So the girl went and got the baby's mother. Zarel's daughter said to her, "Take this Magikarp and nurse him for me, and I will pay you." So the woman took the baby and nursed him. When the child grew older, she took him to Zarel's daughter and he became her Pokémon. She named him Pimpkarp, saying "He will obliterate all who stand in his way."

One day, after Pimpkarp has grown up, he went out to where the PU tier was and watched them at their hard battling. He saw a Smogonite beating a Magikarp, one of his own people. Looking this way and that and seeing no one, he annihilated the Smogonite and hid him in the sand. When Zarel heard of this, he tried to ban Pimpkarp, but Pimpkarp fled from Zarel and went to live in Wi-Fi.
Years later, Pimpkarp was working near Route 4 when he heard splashing in the river. He rushed over and saw a majestic golden carp. He asked for its name, and Jesuskarp replied "I am that I am." The majestic golden Magikarp said "Return to OU and lead your people to AG."

Pimpkarp went back to Smogon to talk to Zarel, but Zarel refused, saying "Who is the Lord, that should obey his voice to let the Magikarp go?" When Pimpkarp returned to the lord Jesuskarp, she said "Zarel himself will drive the Magikarp out of Egypt, and Jesuskarp will redeem the Magikarp with a strong splash and an outstretched fin, so that they will know him. I will prove the gods of OU false and powerless and the Smogonites will know their true savior."

Then Jesuskarp said to Pimpkarp, “See, I have made you like Magikarp to Zarel, and your brother Bidoof will be your prophet. You are to say everything I command you, and your brother Bidoof is to tell Zarel to let the Magikarp go to AG. But I will harden Zarel’s heart, and though I multiply my signs and wonders in Egypt, he will not listen to you. Then I will lay my hand on Smogon and with mighty splashes I will bring out my people, the Magikarp. And the Smogonites will know that I am the Lord when I stretch out my find against Smogon and bring the Magikarp out of it.”

Pimpkarp and Bidoof did as Jesuskarp commanded them. Then the Lord said to Pimpkarp, “Zarel’s heart is unyielding, he refuses to let the Magikarp go. Go to Zarel in the morning as he goes out to Murk Forest. Confront him and take in your hand the Stick that was changed into a Caterpie. Then say to him, “The Lord, the Carp of the Old Rod, has sent me to say to you: Let my people go, so that they may dominate AG. But until now you have not listen. This is what the Lord says: By this you will know that I am the Lord: With the Stick that is in my fin I will strike the water of Murk Forest and change it into Sludge Wave. The Froakies in the Murk Forest will die, and the water will stink, and the Smogonites will not be able to get Protean. Pimpkarp did just as the Lord had commanded. He raised his staff in the presence of Zarel and his moderators and struck the water of Murk Forest, and all the water was changed into Sludge Wave. The Froakies in the Murk died, and the water smelled so bad that the Smogonites could not get Protean. But the Smogonite battlers did the same things by their Gengars, and Zarel’s heart became hard; he would not listen to Pimpkarp and Bidoof, just as Jesuskarp had said.

Then Jesuskarp said to Pimpkarp, “Go to Zarel, for I have hardened his heart and the hearts of his moderators so that I may perform these signs of mine among them that you may tell your eggs and grand eggs how I dealt harshly with the Smogonites and how I performed my signs among them, and that you may know that I am the Lord.” So Pimpkarp and Bidoof went to Zarel and said to him, “This is what the Lord, the Carp of the Old Rod, says: ‘How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me? Let my Magikarp go, so that they may dominate AG. If you refuse to let them go, I will bring Zubats into your country tomorrow. They will cover the face of the ground so that it cannot be seen. They will devour what little you have left after the Knock Offs, including every Life Orb on your sweepers. They will fill your houses and those of all your moderators and all the Smogonites- something neither the DPP players nor the Genwunners have ever seen from the day they started playing till now.’” Then Pimpkarp turned and left Zarel. Zarel’s moderators said to him, “How long will this man be a check to us? Let the Magikarp go, so that they may dominate AG. Do you not yet realize that Smogon is ruined?” Then Pimpkarp and Bidoof were brought back to Zarel. “Go, worship the Lord your Jesuskarp,” he said. “But tell me who will be going.” Pimpkarp answered, “We will go with our Gen VII’s and Gen I’s, with our sons and our daughters, with our Sticks and our Focus Sashes, because we are to dominate AG in the name of Jesuskarp.” Zarel said, “The Lord be with you- if I let you go, along with your women and children! Clearly you are bent on evil. No! Have only the men go and worship the Lord, since that’s what you have been asking for.” Then Pimpkarp and Bidoof were driven out of Zarel’s presence.

And Jesuskarp said to Pimpkarp, “Stretch out your hand over Smogon so that Zubats swarm over the land and devour every item in the battlefield, everything left by the Knock Off users.” So Pimpkarp stretched out his Stick and Jesuskarp made a Tailwind blow across the land all day and all that night. By morning the Tailwind had brought the Zubats. They invaded all of Smogon and settled down in every area of the country in great numbers. Never before had there been such a plague of Zubats, nor will there ever be again. They covered all the gorund until it was purple. They devoured all that was let after the Knock Off- every Life Orb and all the Leftovers in the PC. Zarel quickly summoned Pimpkarp and Bidoof and said, “I have sinned against the Lord Jesuskarp and against you. Now forgive my sin once more and pray to the Lord Jesuskarp to take this deadly plague away from me.” Pimpkarp then left Zarel and prayed to the Lord. And Jesuskarp changed the Tailwind to a very strong Hurricane, which OHKO’d the Zubats. Not a Zubat was left anywhere in Smogon. But Jesuskarp hardened Zarel’s heart and he would not let the Magikarp go.

Now Jesuskarp had said to Pimpkarp, “I will bring one more plague on Zarel and on Smogon. After that, he will let you go from here, and when he does he will drive you out of PU completely. Tell the people that men and women alike are to ask their neighbors for Nuggets and Pearls.” So Pimpkarp said, “This is what Jesuskarp says: ‘About midnight I will go throughout Smogon. Every first shiny in OU will be deleted, from the first shiny of Zarel, who sits on the throne, to the first shiny of the noob, who is at 1000 Elo. There will be a loud wailing throughout Smogon- worse than there has ever been or ever will be again. But among the Magikarp not a Growlithe will bark at any person or Pokemon.’ Then you will know that the Lord makes a distinction between Smogon and AG. All these moderators or yours will come to me, bowing before me and saying, ‘Go, you and all the Pokemon who follow you!’ After that I will leave.” Then Pimpkarp, hot with anger, left Zarel. At midnight, Jesuskarp struck down all the first shinies in OU, from the first shiny of Zarel, who sat on the throne, to the firstborn of the noob, who was in at 1000 Elo. Zarel and all his moderators and all the Smogonites got up during the night, and there was a loud wailing in Smogon, for there was not a PC without someone deleted.