GACK ACK ACK ACK

Line 7

	>The three of us are

	The word "are". What's it called, a helping verb or some shit? Whatever it's called, I'll tell you what it is. Passive. All it does is tell the situation, when you could do so much more with the opening to a piece of writing. Say how important the bench is or isn't, or describe how it is being utilized. Also, it says "the three of us are on a bench" even though Molly is walking back and forth. Fix that shit, man.

Line 11

	>I'm keen to meet him,

	I think "keen on/about meeting him" is the correct way to say it.

Line 17

	>you know”

	Punctuation. Also Papa K reminds me of Papa Khan, and now I can't imagine Molly not being in cohoots with drug runners who can teach you how to throw sand at your enemies.

Line 23

	>but not like I've ever heard before.  Big, throaty, but not

	I'm certain there's a more fluent way to say this than using "but not" twice in such quick succession.

Line 31

	>As for the rider, he looks positively out of place on such a lean piece of equipment. [...] managing to look ridiculous

	I don't think I understand this association. The bike is big, and so is he, right? Obviously not tall, but if he is a stout gentleman on a motorbike, I don't really see an issue.

Lines 47-49

	Hisao seems pretty nonreactive in all this. I'd expect a line where he feels the warmth coming to his face, and tries to look away as a result, or something along those lines.

Line 59

	>Now it's my turn to be flustered.

	Well, that's kinda the reaction I was expecting, albeit a bit delayed. Is Hisao just a slowpoke?

Line 85

	>... twinkled?  Is that it?  Whatever it was

	Let me refer back to Line 7. "I'm finding it... cute?  Is cute the word?" You seem to be fond of making Hisao pretty damn clueless when it comes to matters like this. Give him a bit or bravado, it makes him sorta likable.

Around Lines 123 and 147

	Some of these conversations are hard to follow without indication of who is speaking.

Lines 189-191

	LIKE YOUR DEAD DA- MOM? But really, what convinced you to make yet another character with parental issues?

Around Line 250

	I want to just give up on figuring out who's saying what.

Line 285

	I had to reread this section again to find that it was the chair that struck him in the back. I would REALLY advise making that a seperate paragraph, even if it's only one sentence or something. More noticable that way, and the reader obviously wants to know what happened.

	On another note about the baseball- I mean chair. It doesn't appear to serve any purpose other than a plot device, and the KS devs themselves use the term "baseball" to refer to similar contrived plot devices. I'd guess that a previous draft had Hisao getting hit by a baseball out of the blue for no reason other than to make his heart act up. I'm not going to tell you to change it if you're particularly invested in this scene, but at least try to avoid things like this in the future.

Line 457

	>back at Moll.

	Slow finish, huh?

But hell, the prose was fantastic (business as usual, huh?) and I certainly enjoyed it, even though it was long as hell and I dislike what you did with the baseball. Also, your use of past tense really messed with the consistency. Flashbacks aren't in KS, and they don't feel right. But maybe I'll just chalk that up to personal style?




HANAKO TIME :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Off the bat:

	The title says Hanako, but it's from Papa Khan's point of view. This threw me off for a while, especially since the first few lines look like they could be from a bystander's perspective (such as Hanako first person)

Line 19

	>He put that feeling aside.  I'm a doctor, dammit.  I have seen and done far worse than a few scars.  Far, far worse... and he'd done operations he thought were unthinkable—not for their complexity but for who they were on.

	You're swiching between first and third person with reckless abandon. What the hell.

Line 31

	>Captain America

	If you're talking about Captain America: The First Avenger by some chance, the movie comes out 4 years in the future from when KS takes place, in 2007.

Line 87

	I'm willing to accept that Hanako may be messed up enough to need medication. After all, that was the basis for my first piece of fanfiction. But the cutting thing seems a bit unnecessary. I can't place my finger on it, but it just seems to border on white-knight pandering.

Line 93

	>The mans gaze

	man's

Kneejerk reaction to the cutting, maybe, but I really hope that it doesn't find its way into the Molly route. You don't hear about Lilly's summons in any other route, or Misha's despression/lesbianism in any other route, and there's a reason for that. They want to keep the routes focused instead of strewn about.