wai-wai pt 1

You didn’t ask for it, but, partially by request, partially by boredom, I’m going to start “reviewing” the fic “Where am I? Who am I?” (a question I might soon be asking myself), by Andre.
Normally, I would start at the beginning, Chapter 1. And I’ll get to that, but first, let me present to you the fic’s description, so we know what we’re getting ourselves into.
Andre, who can tell us that he’s “German, 19 years old, nice, funny ^^” (though I think he forgot humble), allegedly wrote this in German, and Google Translated it into English.
The tags are: Romance, Sad, Dark, Crossover (shudder), Adventure and Human (urge to stop reading intensifies), Teen, Sex (hold on to your waifus) and Gore.
The character tags are: RD, Mane 6, CMC, Celestia and Luna, though I don’t doubt there will be OC’s as well.
>New York 2030:
>John Price, an 18 years old boy who live in the USA, works for a computer company in New York City.
So we’re heading into the future. Setting seems normal.
>After an unknown worldwide nuclear fallout, he entered to magical coutnry Equestria.
Let’s not question how a worldwide nuclear holocaust could be “unknown”, and focus on going down the rabbit hole, or the pony hole, as Andre would have it.



Now with added space between the lines for improved readability.

>His new firends were no humans. There were ... Ponies.
[insert joke about fiery ends]

>They were very kindness
Off course.

>But now John have to find out what happened to his world and his kind.
>On his inquire he find out that Equestria have a very dark secret... a very dark secret.
Saying dark twice makes it darker.

>Autor Note: This is the overworked story. I have been written this story in German and translate it by an translator. But the grammar was so bad that hurted on my eyes. So now I try to translate part for part by myself.
Oh. So this is the FIXED version. Well, Andre, I’m looking forwards to reading your best literary efforts. Show them that Germany can into English education, in this epic sexy romantic gory sad dark human adventure for teens.




CHAPTER 1:

>New York 24th March 2030:
Dates are important.

>"The new Microprocessors will be awesome Mr. Price", said an assistant.
>John Price was an assistant of a computer company which worked for new microprocessors.
Didn’t John have an assistant? Do assistants have assistants in this company?

>John was a very qualifying guy about computers because he learned a lot about his father.
Sure. His father was also a US Air Force pilot, which makes you a expert at microprocessors.

Here there’s a picture of John, and I’d post that, but I already did, earlier in the thread.
>>17501443

>The only thing who was this guy interested was in MONEY. Of course who is it not?
A reminder that this is the FIXED version.

>The new product was a next generation microprocessor of a synthetic intelligence which does every order who you ordered to it.
Dunno about you, but I sure as hell can’t see any way this would ever backfire. Ever.

> 1. August 2030:
>YES MAN THEY DID IT.
Are you hype? I’m hype.

>In new computers, gaming consoles, home stuff like elevators, multimedia technology and of course on the military.
>Yes on the military.
>No one knows if it was an good idea to do that but no one thought about the risks.
And all of that in 4 months and 8 days. Complex fucking plot you’re setting up here Andre. I can’t imagine what will happen next.

There's all these images everywhere in this fic. Pic related is New York in the future.



> On a few weeks later, a general of the U.S Air Force base was very angry about the situation which happened to their base.
>The military used the synthetic intelligence to monitors their missile silo.
The military is nothing if not innovative.

>"I said it for a few days, it is to dangerous to give a machine the whole control about all missile silo and satellites." said John nervously.
To be fair, you only said so for a few days.

>"Mr Price the US Government wont be so fine with you and your partners like me. So its better you and your guy fix that fast OK!" ordered the general.
I like the general. He seems like a reasonable man.

> 29. August 2030:
> ISS Space station
We’re then suddenly in space, and introduced (not really) to the astronauts Blair and… Ecco?

>"Hey Ecco are you glad to go home soon?" asked Blair.
“Only a few days until retirement”.

>Finally I can see my family and my son again.
[Ecco continues painting a target on his chest]

>Alarm! Targets recognized
Achtung! Also, targets. In space. On the ISS.

>"We have a very big problem." said Blair.
>"We have eliminated ourselves." said Blair
Holy shit what a twist. This came out of nowhere.

>The whole Space station shook … the nuclear missile left their stations.
The ISS has nukes in the future. To ensure Freedom in space.

>Phönix - locked!
>Ottawa - locked!
There’s also a lot of US cities. I like to believe that Andre thinks that Ottawa and “Phönix” are in the US.



>Estimated casualty figures: Over 250 Millions.
Well, the projected populace of the US in 2030 is 361,680,000, so that still leaves well over 100 million people.

>That was only the USA. Worldwide, they could see the explosions on the ground.
Still. It’s not THAT bad.

>After firing all nuclear missles the space stations destroyed themselves.

Ok. Thanks for introducing me to those totally necessary and interesting characters Andre.

>15 minutes earlier
>"John please ... ehm ... look out the window!" pleased Copper to John to watch out of the windows.
“John, dear, would you come have a look at our impending death from radiation or nuclear fire?”

>After he had checked what happened John said only:
>"Cooper run ... run RUUUUUUUN!" he shouted.
“OUTRUN THE MISSILES, COOPER!”

>He saw how the missle strike directly to the skyline of New York.
But you live in New York.

>the next moment there was a very bright light which blended John and the rest and on the follow moment there was a huge explosion.
Cooper is so going to survive this.

>The blast griped everyone on the building.
Gripe, verb:
1. complain about something in a persistent, irritating way.
2. affect with gastric or intestinal pain.

>Some of them were dead immediately ... Cooper too.
He didn’t have ProtagonistShield™ to protect him from the complaining/gastric pain.



>He was flying to the horse statue which was in front of him.
There are also bridges flying in the air, but that doesn’t really concern John.

>The van comes closer and closer
ALL ABOARD THE EQUESTRIA-VAN!

>The van didn't catch him but all what he saw was a big empty room like a ... bubble?
Where did the statue go? Also note that this all takes place as John is airborne after the nuclear explosion. Or I think it is. It's not really explained.

>The only thing which he realised was a .. blue thing which was coming near to him but it don't look like a human but he couldn't realize it because he was to week to realize something.
It may be a false alarm, but hold on to your Lunas and Woonas people. He’s out to get them.

And here Chapter 1 ends. I have not added any images of my own; they are all taken from the fic. However, we’re not quite at Chapter 2 yet.

>Author's Note:
>OK guys I have been overworking this story. I tried it to translate by an internet translator but that was ... a disaster ^^
>That hurted my eyed ... and that as a German boy.
>Have fun :D
>Greetings
>Andre
He also apologizes a lot about his grammar. Sadly, the grammar might be one of the better things about this fic.



Chapter 2:

>"Ah...damn my head." said John.
Nuclear explosions are a common cause of headaches. The more you know.

>He looked up the room and saw that he was on an hospital.
>"Calm down and don't move. You don't look really good. You had luck that these ponies found you." said a nursery.
Normally, Humans in Equestria are weirded out (or turned on) by talking ponies. I, however, would have found the talking nurseries weirder.

>Her voice sounds a bit other ... other like humans but ok.
>John looked at the wall and he saw there were a lot of picture ... from ponies?
>He was watching out of the window. It was very quiet. And so many nature?
>"Hm don't look like New York" he said.
You know, Andre, you could just swap the name John for Sherlock, and everyone would think it was a Sir Arthur Conan Doyle novel.

>It was ... a PONY?
Brilliant deduction. Or induction.

>"Hey mister you had many luck that Rainbow Dash and the other ponies founded you. If they didn't find you, may you will be dead now." she explained.
>Johns head hurt to much and he was to week to say something.
There’s too many things to make fun of in these sentences. To protect my sides and my sanity, I’ll let you find them yourself.



That was obviously meant to say Chapter 2, part 1/too many.

>Equestria 18th May 116354
So Andre means that the zero-point for counting years, likely an important event in recorded Equestrian history, happened 116354 years ago, 115354 years before Luna’s banishment. That’s almost 120 THOUSAND years ago.

>"Hello mister. My name is Twilight Sparkle. I am an alicorn and you are here in Equestria." she explained.
Literally the first thing she says.

>Ok here are my very best friends Rarity, Apple Jack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash." said the purple Pony.

>"Aha ok nice to hear but .... WAIT YOU ARE TALKING PONIES? WAHTS GOING ON HERE?" John screamed out. He was shocked.
Mysteriously, John was always the last one to understand jokes as well. Though his mother always assured him that he was a clever boy.

>"I´ve never seen ...TALKING PONIES!" he said.
>"I see, but who are you? And WHAT ARE YOU?" she asked with an interested view.
Asking with views aside, I like to imagine that whenever Andre capitalizes something that means the character is shouting those words. It’s more fun that way.

>"Ok my name is John Price, I am 18 years old and I come from New York City an I am a human." he explained.
For added fun, which I suspect I will need, you can also do like me, and read all of John’s lines in Tommy Wiseau’s voice.

>"Ah ok never heard about a ... HUMAN." said Twilight with a wired face.
Did Celestia never teach Twilight about the use of indoor voice?



>"Ah heya I´m Apple Jack. I work on the "Seet Apple Barn" you want an apple or work? I´m the right address.
"Her" real name is Jack, and Apple Jack is only a nickname. Also “Seet”, is apparently a dialectical variant of “Sight”. “Sight Apple Barn” sounds like a brothel.

>"Hey Darling, I am Rarity." said a white pony.
>"Ow you have some awesome clothes." said Rarity and looked to my body from up to down.
>"Hm never seen clothing like this but they look very awesome and ... ooow I see they very dirty and ragged.
Now, it might just be that, as a Rarifag, I’m biased. But try to imagine Rarity talking like that. DYEWTS ANDRE, DYEWTS?

>"Ehm yea why not if wouldn´t mind? Thank you that's fine." John said. "But I have no money to pay that all." John explained.
Needless to say, Rarity offered to repair his clothes, free of charge.

>"GASP! OWWWWWWOWOWOWO you look crazy and weird but It seems you like parties. Do you like Parties? Because I like parties and everypony like parties so I think about if humans like parties too?" cried that pink pony loud and jumped up and down with a big smile on her face.
You know what? I don’t have a problem with Pinkie as a character. I have a problem with Pinkie when she’s written poorly.

>"OW OW OW THATS NICE WE WILL HAVE A LOT OF FUN TOGETHER. I PROMISE WHEN YOU GET OUT HERE I WILL CELEBRATE THE BIGGEST PARTY EVER FOR YOU." she explained and jumped up and down again.
I hope the gore tag saves me from Andre’s Nightmare-Pinkie.



>"Pinkie Pie not to wild you see he is hurt so calm down." said Twilight with an angry face.
I pity the characters forced to be around a poorly-written Pinkie.

>"Fluttershy is perfect with animals." said Twilight. If you want a pet, go to her she can help you." Twilight smiled.
And nothing more was said about Fluttershy ever again.

>"Ow that's nice." said John. He remembered on his Dog Fluffy. But he will be dead now after what happened?
Yes John. I think it’s fair to assume that your dog did not survive the nuclear holocaust.

>"Hey you I am Rainbow Dash. The best and fastest flyer in whole Equestria. If you want become 20% cooler I am the right pony for that." she explained.

I love how the fandom turned one line from one episode into the catchphrase for an entire character. It’s fucking great.

>"Yea and Rainbow Dash was it who founded you in the Ever Free Forest." explained Twilight John.
Who’s Twilight John? Apple Jack’s brother? I’d also like to point out the difference between the Everfree Forest and the Ever Free Forest. Completely different things.

>"WOW thanks so much Rainbow Dash. That´s great if I can something do for you, said it ok?" said John thankfully.
Well, time for the shipping betting. I bet all my imaginary pony fanfiction dollars on a JohnxDash shipping. I’d call it Rainbow Price, John Dash or Johnbow Price Crash.



>"Friends ... we are friends? ... really?" John asked.
>"Of course we are." said Twilight.
Human, dimensional explorer, computer engineer, friend and soon to be lover. John is a man of many talents and aspects. And not a Gary Stu. Not at all. That could never happen.

>"See you are very handsome and nice. So I think we could be all friends." she explained and smiled.
“Wow this shouting, wounded, hairless monkey sure is hot.”

>"Hihihi no problem dude." said Rainbow Dash.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yhrd1R8-dBg [Embed]

>"YEA DUDE good bye and have nice day." said the rainbow-mane ponie and flew out the door.
Yeah dude, far out. Radical.

>"It will be ok" she said. "So good night and see you tomorrow aaah and maybe you can left the hospital tomorrow if its all fine good night." she said.
Sure, he might have gotten blinded, irradiated and blow away by the nuke’s shockwave, only to be flung across dimensions and landed in a forest, but I’m sure the nurse should let him out tomorrow.

>Then John felt asleep again.
Because it’s impossible to transition between chapters without sleeping/falling unconscious.

Well, that's the end of Chapter 2. I'll try to be better at updating the subject line from now on.
Unfortunately, that's all I have the time to do right now, but I'll be back tomorrow to attack Chapter three.
I hoped you guys liked it. And if you've got any input or complaints, let me hear them.



>On the next day, John woke up. His head still hurt.
Understandable, given the thermonuclear nature of his cross-dimensional journey.

>"Hey Darling, see I washed your clothes and I make some new one. I was so glad to do clothing for a human that was so exited." explained Rarity.
Maybe we can’t all agree on Rarity being waifu material, but she sure as hell seems like Wife material. Also she made clothes for an alien she has only seen for a short time laying in a hospital bed.

>"No that's not a problem. You helped me to extend my collection Darling." Rarity smiled.
Why does Rarity need human clothes in her collection?

>"Hey how are you ok? See I have some apples for you. The food here isn't very good so I though I bring you something tasty." Apple Jack smiled.
And people say Jack isn’t a complex character.

>John bite in one of them. "GOSH they are really good." said John. That must be one of the best apple he ever eat.
Living an apple-related lifestyle for generations should at least let you grow pretty fucking good apples.



>"Hey if you ok again. I will show you some cool things. Some of my new moves you know and I hope you like sports like me, you show ... good and fit." said Rainbow Dash and blushed a bit.
JOHNBOW PRICE CRASH CONFIRMED

> "Hey if you fine again I want to know everything about you and your kind." said Twilight. "I hope it´s ok for you?" she asked.
“I know you’re injured, confused and tired, but could you just please let me interrogate you. Please?”

> "John Price, you can leave the hospital, the injures are not longer dangerous." explained the nurse pony.
Radiation isn’t real, checkmate atheists!

>"Oh did I do something wrong? Cause everyone left." asked John Twilight.
I never quite got who this “John Twilight”, who keeps popping up, is. I’ll have to PM Andre and ask for him explain it for me.

>"No of course not. You see they have to do some stuff. Come one I will show you Ponyville." she said.
Welcome to my magical realm.



>"If I told you who we really are ... I think we won´t be friends anymore." tried John to explain Twilight.
Is… is that misanthropy? Are we going to get a rant on the greed and irrationality of humans?

>"No see we are a very destructive kind. We destroy our home, the nature to build more homes for yourself. We are killing animals for food but that's not so bad as what I told you know. The most people are very ... stressed and brutal. For example, people killing other people why ever others rob out people. Some humans have a reason others not ... We conduct war with other countries.
Don’t ponies clear woodland for their homes? Don’t bears hunt? Doesn’t Equestria have armed forces?

>Example on the 11. September 2001 two hijacked airplanes, airplanes are machines who humans fly because they can´t fly so tow of them crashed in the Word Trade Centre (WTC). 3.000 people died. After that a third machine fought into the White House. The White House is the home of our President.
I don’t know what to say. I just imagine a anthro airplane, armed to the teeth and wearing a turban, fighting its way into the White House. This is why we need the War on Terror, because as long as we have terror, we can never befriend pastel coloured equines.

>and after all these bad happenings the government start a war in Afghanistan to rage the terror attack.
Yes. America went to war with Afghanistan to rage on terror.



>But that's not enough We already had 2 word wars. The most important thing for humans is ... MONEY! Money rules our world. If you have no money ... you are lost." explained John.
But you wouldn’t know anything about world wars, would you Andre? No connection to any of those whatsoever.

>"But John you are completely other like the other humans." she meant.
“Your race might be bloodthirsty and dangerous, but I’ve known you for several minutes already, so I’ll trust you.” She's the Princess of Friendship and Rainbows, not of critical thinking.

>"Hey what's going on? Do you have friends on your world or your time?" Twilight asked.
That’s sort of insensitive, seeing as they all died. Also >your time. Are you trying to imply some fucking implications here Andre? Was Equestria Earth all along?

>"We pay our things with "BITES". Twilight said.
Woah. That’s kinky.

>"Ah we with U.S Dollar. On our world there are different currency. In the USA US Dollar $ in Europa Euro € and so one. And we have different size on our Money like 1$ note 10$ note and so one." explained John to Twilight.
>"Ah interesting." she said.
Twilight stole the words out of my mouth right there.

>"Hey is that the weird thing on two legs who proceeded." laughed some pony.
Is that an insult? Who is he insulting? You? Me? Andre?



>"So here is my house." she explained John. It was an huge tree with some random and unusual stuff. "Wow, looks ... crazy and nice." John said.
Weird objects John had never seen before called “books” were everywhere. I’m seriously starting to wonder what John is thinking. He hasn’t had any problems with Ponyville, but a library strikes him as random and unusual?

>"Haha oh I´m glad to hear that come inside not shy." she said.
“If you are shy though, you’ll be forced to live in the forest with the wild animals.”

>"Yea It´s not the best but enough to live." Twilight said. "You can stay here so long as you founded a new home." she said.
So he can only stay there AS LONG as he has founded a home? Neither before nor after? Well, I guess it’s time to get our colonialism on; we’re founding a new home.

>"Its OK John really. It don´t mind. Believe me." she said.
This is a harem fic, right? It has got to be. Well, the betting is up, who will become the dominant wife, Twilight or RD?

>And then something strange happened...
Oh. So NOW it get's strange.



Chapter 4: The Party and the worst Nightmare

>"SUUUUUUUUPRISEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" cried everypony.
So it's just like that episode. What was the one? There one where the new pony came to town. And met the mane 6. And had a surprise party. Weird. Must have been my imagination.

>Now John realized. They didn't their work. They arrange a big party for him.
Only now, well after the party had started, did John realize that for there to be a surprise party, someone actually had to prepare it.

>They danced the whole evening and a part of the night…It was a beautiful day.
That’s not how days work Andre. There is a fundamental difference between night and day.

>They danced, listened music and drunk.
>Most John celebrated and danced with Rainbow Dash.
I see the money I betted is still safe.
>Then everypony felt asleep.
Pinkie smirked to herself. The roofies had finally kicked in. She was going to get laid tonight.

>The Night:
>"John .... John ..... JOHN ..... JOHN .... JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHN!!!!!" shouted a unknown voice.
Jesus, is that you? Did you survive the apocalypse?



>"John come here by me." whispered the voice.
“John. Put your hands in my pockets.”

>Suddenly he saw the unknown figure again. It was a pony but ... GOD JESUS.
Jesus! It is you!

>The pony was completely black had a black mane and light red eyes. It had a ... blooded human hand.
Where’s the hand? Where on this black and red OC, because we clearly need more of those, is there a human hand? Is he holding it? Does the pony have hands instead of hooves?

>Suddenly he heard voices on his head voiced he known but there were thousands of them. No there were more millions. Every one of them screamed "MURDER!"
It’s only chapter 4 Andre. It’s a bit early for the protagonist to go insane and murder everyone. Luckily though, John doesn’t have voices IN his head. He has voices ON his head. Totally different thing.

>Suddenly there was a small fire behind him. He saw that fire. He was walking to it. There stood a ... young human boy. He went to this child. Suddenly the child move to him. John saw the child´s skin was completely burned. His skin ... melt. The boy had no eyes. On his eyes there were only ... a dark aura. John screamed out loud.
“John saw dozens of children, weak and thin, going into the showers.”
I have to admit though, this nightmare sequence is probably the best thing in the fic so far.

It's a shame that he's stopped adding images though. But I've looked ahead, and they will come back in time.



>"John hey John are you ok?" asked Twilight.
“I hate my species, I’ve just lost everyone I loved and knew to a nuclear holocaust I likely caused, I probably have radiation poisoning, I’m going insane, I have voices on my head that urges me to kill and I’m trapped in an alien land of talking horses. Yeah, I’m doing great.”

>John was hitting Twilight with his right hand because he thought it was the black Pony.
Careful with the hitting John. You can’t hit women before you’ve married them. Also, if you won’t stop, you’ll go to jail for regicide.

>"What did you see John?" asked Twilight.
“Corpses, disembodied limbs, melting children, my OC, dark forests and Jesus. Just like any other dream, right?”

Now the entire scene we’ve just been through starts again. For no reason. It’s identically the same. I don’t believe, not even for a single second that Andre has ever edited or proofread this.

So in the meantime, let’s look at Andre’s OC. Her name is probably Donut Steel, but I’m going to call her Wilson from now on. Also, Andre never mentions that her cutiemark is a handprint. He clearly states that she has a bloody hand.

Also that’s clearly not Andre’s OC. It’s a Dark Brotherhood OC. You know the Dark Brotherhood, the misguided idiots from the TES series? The guys who likely have fooled themselves into daedra worship?

Though to be fair, she does have unshorn fetlocks, which is a plus, regardless of how black and red your OC is.



> a very worst nightmare I see." said Twilight.
That’s an accurate review of this fic in a single sentence.

>Then he felt asleep again. Twilight moved to his bed too.
It’s his first night, and he’s already sleeping in the same bed as Twilight. Fucking great Andre. Why don’t you just give the mane 6 collors and belly dancer outfits if we’re going full harem?

And so, with another "To be continued" image, Chapter 4 ends.



Chapter 5: Lot to do

>After a wild night John stood up early in the morning.
I don’t like what you’re implying here Andre. Not at all.

>Twilight was already awake. She was sitting in front of a book of course and tried to learn new things.
The adventurous and exciting daily life of a librarian.

>He knew he has to do a lot of stuff today. Visit Pinkie Pie in the Sugar Cube Corner, visit Fluttershy to elect a pet maybe, visit Apple Jack to get a job, visit Rarity to get some new clothes and to visit Rainbow Dash ... why ever.
He has to visit Pinkie Pie either for plot reasons, or because Andre felt like he needed to include her but didn’t know what do with her as a character. Most people choose pets. Not John, because he is a man of freedom, a true American, a champion of democracy. He elects pets. Also, since I’m still in the guessing mood, let’s guess how many chapters there is left before he fucks RD? 5? 10? 15? I’m going to guess less than 10.

>"Hey good I have done breakfast." said Twilight.
Because in this wish-fulfillment universe, women exists only to please John.

> "Yea of course we eat the same like you." explained John Twilight
“Except for meat, and all the food made with modern technology… which is a lot.”

> John moved to the bathroom took a bath and wash his teeth.
You don’t have a toothbrush. Are you using Twilight’s? Spike’s?
That's my fetish.



>He wanted to wear some of his new clothes from Rarity she made … It was a blue T-Shirt a blue jeans, black white Sinkers and his Dollar chain.
So Rarity made a blue t-shirt and blue jeans. That’s weird, and not her style, but ok, let’s suspend our already suspended suspension of disbelief. And sinkers. Fair enough, maybe the gravity is lower in Equestria, so he has to wear fishing sinkers. Sure would have been nice with some shoes though, but I guess something like… sneakers for example would be completely unknown to Rarity. She also made a fucking dollar sign. Now I know Rarity doesn’t always have the best of taste, but a dollar sign? Does Rarity even know what a dollar is? What were you thinking Andre? You can’t even wear those ironically anymore. Any Germans here? If there are, answer me this: is it socially acceptable to wear those golden atrocities over there?

>After having a Barth he felt great like a new born baby.
For the sake of clarity, Barth is a town in Germany. Barth syndrome is a male genetic disorder which leads to a lot of things, such as:
Heart trouble, underdeveloped skeleton, muscle weakness, growth delay, exercise intolerance.
John says it makes him feel like a newborn baby, but Barth’s is actually tied to stillbirth.

>John entered Sugar Cube Corner. Pinkie Pie had already wait to him.
I would say something about Pinkie having more important stuff to do, but then I remembered that she’s Pinkie, and does not follow rules.