Damara smokes weed for the first time.

They say you always remember your first time. Though in this particular case, the context to that phrase means something very different then what most would assume. In this instance, it refers to the first time you smoked the human soporific called weed.

It’s odd when you think about it. While yes you can remember most anything with little difficulty, there’s still a little fog to it all. The exact details, such as people, locations, emotions of both you and them, those kind of details are never clear to you. Well at least immediately so. You always struggle to recollect things, which considering you’re a time player, and one with access to the entire breadth of events of the timeline and everyone in it, you’d expect you’d have no trouble knowing the details of things down to the most minor of things.

Yet you don’t. And you don’t know why. You’d always suspect it was mostly due to apathy on your part, or hell, even the soporific itself. Whatever it was, you didn’t care really, nor did you care about most anything currently for that matter as well.

Yet, that’s why you find that fact to be so odd. Everything else is a haze of sorts, yet you can easily remember the details of that day so clearly. Maybe it’s because that was when everything started to change for you.

You remember how it started, just as every other day, or at least it seemed as if it would be just another day for you. You woke up feeling miserable and dead inside, memories of your ex and your breakup still haunting you. You sat in your recuperacoon, struggling just to muster the energy or drive to even get up. So you just sat there, depressed and feeling dirty, letting the seconds slip by you as you wallowed in your misery.

But of course you had a game to play with… Well they weren’t “your” friends. They were always Rufioh’s. You always did come off as some accessory of his to them. But nonetheless, you had a game to play, one that would decide the fate of your species and whatever future one you and your group would create.

So you dress yourself in whatever you can find, too mentally taxed to care how you look. You don’t even bother to look in the mirror; the sight of yourself tends to just upset you further.  And so you head off to wander your land and maybe assist your allies in whatever task a time player might help with.

But of course you’re just not feeling up to it and so you just wander, without purpose or direction. You try to think of happy thoughts, just as Rufioh would suggest when you were ever feeling down. Only that just sends you into a deeper misery because you had to be stupid enough to think of him. You loved him, so much so. You did everything for him, shared everything with him. You even showed him the real you, not the whimpering shy girl you always show everyone else. You trusted him completely, and he returned that with infidelity and a break up.

You feel so alone now, so empty and alone and dead inside. You try to think of other thoughts but your mind wouldn’t let you and only lets you think of old times of him and you. You want to cry, so badly, you just want to get this feeling out. But you’re too tired even for that, you need to talk to someone, anyone really. Anyone who might offer even a bit of support, hollow even.

So you went off to your comrades, your stomach feeling sick and your body weak. But of course none of them are of any use. The Jade blood Porrim tries to act as the mother figure, offering empty platitudes, as does the mutant Kankri. All both ever do is waste time discussing some spiel that doesn’t concern or interest you. You try to get their attention, try to get them to listen to you. Yet your weak grasp of their language prevents you. They ignore your weak protests, continuously focusing things on their interests and choosing to unintentionally insult you. She pointing out how it’s wrong for you to be submissive, how you don’t need to dress so conservative and so stereotypical. And he stating how you fit too well into gender roles and other things you don’t really understand.  You just want some advice on feeling less terrible, not a lecture on what’s wrong with you.

And so feeling even more like shit, you try to talk to someone else. Perhaps the teal blood latula? Only she’s even less equipped to help you, spending most of your rather limited conversation focused on her silly games, reminding you of your own rather lackluster skill. You and her played a few times, mostly with Rufioh, and you’d always end up dead last. Even when you tried, you’d never really do any better and soon you came to dislike the games. But of course Rufioh liked them, so you tolerated them and continued to play. You try to tell this girl you need help, that you just need someone to confide in, but she doesn’t seem interested and not wanting to waste either of your time, you seek out someone else.

But of course, because today seems like it’s going to be extra terrible, you find no one so far to help you and just start to feel worse and worse. The mustard blood Mituna insults you, leering at you and throwing crude sexual comments your way. The violet blood Chronus acts friendly at first and you feel slightly better at his complements, only he soon starts making advances on you, trying to lift your skirt and pull your shirt off and after ditching him, you just feel worse. As if all those good things he said were just lies. That you aren’t really so cute, pretty, or nice. Maybe you’re the exact opposite, maybe you’re some homely frumpy looking idiot Rufioh took pity on. Maybe he just liked you because of his stupid weeaboo fetish and you were just a means to fulfill some kink of his.

Maybe every horrible thing you think of yourself really is true. You don’t know, you just really want to stop feeling so utterly like shit right about now. You just really want to not feel anything honestly; even numbness would be preferable to this horrible aching wracking your body and this all consuming depression filling your mind.

Anything, anything at all would do. And then as if to answer your prayers the catgirl Meulin and the mime Kurloz pass you by. Curiously, she gives you a once over, and even more curiously she looks to her former matesprite. Neither speaks yet he simply nods to her and she does in turn. She looks back to you and seems to be able to tell you’re all upset. But of course the one person who would seem to be actually useful can’t hear you, how fitting.

What she does next does however surprise you. Pulling your hand up, she rifles through her pockets and places a small bag full of something you can’t identify into your palm. And then in that shrill voice of hers screams to you to smoke it, telling you it will make you feel better. And with that the two of them walk off and you feel just a little bit better. Not much, but still, better.

You stare at your gift; curious just what’s inside and how it will help you. You open it and are greeted by a nasty, foul smelling stench that forces you to close the damn thing again. You’re now beginning to feel a bit apprehensive about trying this, yet still desperate enough to bother regardless.  Though before you can do anything, the nautical girl Meenah and her spider themed friend Aranea waltz over to you. Of all people, she is NOT who you need to be around. Before you can even begin to walk away she starts her shit. Mocking you, insulting you, and even shoving you.

You try to tell her to leave you be, but she just chooses to make fun of your poor grasp of her language. Copying your words in a exaggerated accent. Aranea tries to get her to stop but Meenah just keeps at it, circling you and picking out every flaw she can find. How your clothes are ugly, how your horns look stupid, how low class and blood you are. You really wish to leave, but she won’t let you, even pulling on your shirt to stop you.

What she does next finally sends you over the edge. Her face lights up, as if she’s just discovered some rather juicy tidbit. She lets go of you and smiles deviously, a wicked grin on her face that soon turns to a that same crazed full smile she wears whenever she’s being particularly malicious. You’ve always come to be wary of her when she sports it, as it always means something  very bad is about to happen. Typically to you.

She then mentions Rufioh, talking of how she saw him and the bastard who stole him from you acting all friendly towards one another, being all affectionate, just as you two once were. She mentions how much happier he seems now, how much better with Horuss he is, how it was a good idea of his to dump you. You grow silent and now feel sick again, which only seems to encourage her. She continues to pester you about him, talking of how much fun the two are having, even pulling free a tiny photograph of them and shoving it into your hands. You look over it and see that yes, he does seem much happier now then when he was with you. His smile is bigger, more genuine, and he seems… more at peace.

You remember then all the happy little memories of you two, and wonder, were they fake? Did he ever really love you? Did he even care? Does anyone really even care about you? You look back at Meenah, who’s now giggling. She snatches the picture from you and pulls more from her pockets, then tosses them at you, cackling like a madwoman. You only glimpse at them before finally deciding you don’t need any more of this, and as you run off you catch sight of a particular one. It’s of Rufioh, kissing Horuss, which only sends you into a deeper depression.

As you run off, your mind churning with anger and your body sick, you can hear Meenah still throwing childish insults your way, laughing at how weak you are or how Rufioh was right to ditch someone as pathetic as you. You keep running, trying to forget everything, covering your ears to drown out the laughter of that vile girl.

And then you’re alone. Finally alone. You find something to rest against and sit there. You think of today and how you should have never bothered to even get up. You think of your stupid friends, your once happy but now not memories. But most of all you think of that that stupid girl. Of her words and those stupid pictures of hers. Why did she even have them? To mess with you of course, that’s the only reason she’s ever taken interest in you. You don’t know why, you’ve never done anything to her, or anyone else really, yet she still torments you. Hell it’s not as if the others are much better really. Half of them outright insult you and the ones who don’t tend to treat you with little more than indifference at best. Like some pest to be swatted sway, or a child to be shooed off. You’re nothing to them really, probably never were now that you think of it. Even to Rufioh.
You just want to… Vent. You want to vent, to cry, and even sob. But you’re too drained and simply stubborn for even that. You will not cry, not over this, you will spare yourself at least some pride, even if you know you’re just making thing worse this way. You feel the knot in your gut tighten even more now, you haven’t eaten anything today, yet you know that you probably couldn’t eat even if you forced yourself. You just. Feel sick. You hate yourself, you hate everything around you and everything about you.

And of course you would be stupid enough to let your mind remember more happy thoughts and let your misery color them. And of course you would be weak enough to feel worse now, and just let all this sorrow build and build. It’s oddly cathartic perhaps? No, that’s not the right word. You feel. Something. A loss? Empty inside? You can’t quite figure it out. You just don’t feel right. You mind hurts and you can hear yourself screaming inside your head. And now you can feel your eyes itch and become swollen.

And you let it out, just a little. A little crying might help you right? You of course won’t let yourself cry too much. Heaven help you if Meenah saw you like this. You just want a break right now, preferably from life itself. Even a small one would do.

And then you remember, you do have one. Meulin. She gave you something to supposedly help. Maybe it might? Might as well try it. You pull the baggie free and look upon it. It’s filled with a few clusters of some small green buds, some olive colored paper, and a lighter. You tilt the bag and let some spill onto your hand, then sniff it once more. It still reeks something awful, but whatever, you’re in more need of some mental respite then a comfortable nose. You spread a few buds onto the small patches of paper, figuring you’re probably supposed to smoke this, and then wrap the patch tightly.

You bring it to your lips, light the end, and inhale deeply. You’re not sure how much you should take in, but more is better you figure. You manage however only a bit before you’re in a coughing fit. Though luckily you managed to keep a little in your lungs before you stupidly let it all free.

You wait a little while. Hoping you might feel something, but of course nothing comes and so you take another drag, this time more slowly. You hold your breath a few seconds, letting the acrid air settle in your lungs before exhaling. This time there’s no coughing. And as you let it leave you you already begin to feel… Different. You feel. Distant, numb, slower. Your body feels weak and you feel your joint become slack and you muscles loose. It’s pleasant, odd yet very nice in its own way.
But what really gets you is how it makes you think. When you think, you take notice of things you hadn’t before; small little details. And when you think of those, you think of them from a different angle. A different perspective. Everything begins to make sense, or at least a sort of sense.

You take in another drag, deeper this time. You hold your breath longer as well. And when you let it all out, it comes slowly, more softly. You can barely move your body; your limbs weak. But you don’t really care much. And as you lay there, feeling content for a change, you think of this game, of your friends, and yourself. And you wonder.

Why do you have to put up with this? What did you ever do to them? Nothing, that’s what. So then, why do they do this to you? Because they can.  They know they can whatever the hell they please to you and get away with it, why can’t you perhaps? Why not maybe give a little shit back? They’re all a bunch of fools, vapid, stupid fools. Caring for nothing but their own personal issues, not even bothering to think of others. They care nothing for you and never will, why should you expect anything different. Honestly, why should you have expected anything different when you woke up today? They don’t care. About you, each other, or even your game. Yes the game, the very important game that they’ve been neglecting as of late. Perhaps it’s time to do something about that? This game is meant to help you grow you think. Maybe it’s time you did. Maybe it’s time to stop letting them walk all over you?

Maybe it is time you stop being so submissive? No? No. Not yet. Perhaps later. Right now you just want to enjoy this bliss. Why not take another drag? Just another. And another. And another.