The Hunt for the Obsidian Eye

“Did you know the stimulating effects of coffee were first observed in the 9th century by goat herders who noticed their goats started 'dancing' after eating coffee berries?” speaks my tiny twin tailed monoeye while staring at me blankly with her pretty red eye.

“That still doesn’t explain why you swallowed a bunch of my coffee beans,” I reply as I shook my empty expensive bag of phoenix roasted coffee beans in her face, “Also you seem to be twitchier than usual.”

“In 1675, King Charles the II banned coffee houses since he believed that was where people would meet up to conspire against him.”

The monoeye jolts as I softly place my hand on top of her head, a lot harder than she normally does whenever I do so.

“Iris,” I sigh as I gently rub her frizzy black hair, “tell me what’s going on and I’ll do my best to help you out.”

“...Edmund...” she whispers, “come closer.”

I sigh as I remove my hand from her head and try to lean closer. Not a simple task when you are about 187 cm tall and your monoeye is about 130 cm tall, even with her goth platform boots.

“.....closer....” she whispers while continuing to stare at me blankly with that beautiful eye of hers.

I get on my knees, we are now face to face. I stare deeply into her ruby red eye peering into her soul as she stares straight back at mine. She reaches out to me and rests her long white fingers onto the temple of my glasses. Then her pretty pink lips move again as she whispers once again.

“Closer.....”

I lean forward. My chin rests against her shoulder and I can feel the softness of her body as she trembles with jitters of probably caffeine rushing through her blood. My ear enjoys the sensation of her gentle and warm breath tickling against it.

“SOMEONE STOLE MR.TOROTEI!” she screams as loudly as she could.

I solemnly nod as I stand up, then raise my hand up high and karate chop Iris’ forehead as hard as I can.

“OW!” exclaims the tiny monoeye as she rubs her head, “what the hell was that for!”

“I am attempting to fix the broken brain of my idiot monoeye girlfriend,” I snap as I raise my hand up again for another chop, “I believe a few more chops are in order.”

“Bring it,” snarls Iris as she rolls up her sleeves, “I’ll Scott Summers your ass!”

“Haha Iris! You forget one thing!” I exclaim as I grab her by the legs and flip her upside down then turn her facing away from me, “THE FIRST ONE TO ACT ALWAYS WINS!!!”

“CURSE YOU EDMUND BLACK!!!” screams the tiny monoeye as she uselessly flails and shoots multicolored lasers at the furniture around us, “CURSE YOU AND YOUR SUPERIOR STRENGTH AND SIZE!!!”

“BWAHAHAHAH I AM THE JUGGERNAUT!!!!” I yelled as I lightly swung my girlfriend around by the legs.

She yelps as another beam streaks across the room and lightly pushes a huge stack of my divination and alchemy textbooks to the floor. Her skirt hung upside down giving me a pretty good view of what she was wearing that day.

“Wow, black lace.....”

Iris immediately stops flailing around and goes completely silent as an awkward silence comes between us. This was not good. I felt as if I needed to tell the love of my life something to quell the awkwardness between the two of us. Something that came from my heart.

“I’m sorry Iris,” I speak as I closed my eyes and lowered my head.

“.....”

“I’m sorry that I looked at your incredibly unfitting sexy black panties.....”

“.........”

I feel the awkward silence between to two of us deepen.

“I’m sorry Iris, those panties certainly do suit you.”

“..................”

“Iris won’t you say something?” I plead.

“I’m looking for a properly reflective surface angled perfectly enough so that I can-

oh there’s one.”

“Angled for wha-”

A crimson ray of energy blasts out from Iris’ iris, striking my Kindle harmlessly before it vectors to the ceiling light and rebounds straight onto the top of my skull. Dazed I drop Iris straight onto the carpet as I fall backwards and sprawl out onto the couch. Iris picks herself up from the carpet and stands triumphantly on top of my chest with her platform shoes as she cackles evilly.

“Ohohohoho~! Who is the juggernaut now bitch!”

Suddenly there is a loud banging from the apartment below us as the crotchety old human woman bangs her cane on her roof and screams at us, “SHUT THE HELL UP THERE! I’m Trying To Watch My Shows!”

The two of us awkwardly stare at each other before Iris steps off my chest and offers her hand for me. I grab it and she helps pull me off our carpet. We then dust ourselves off and reorganize all of the furniture messed up in our little scuffle. There was still a rather awkward silence between the two of us. I knew that it would be wise for me to take the first step to end this oppressive regime of awkwardness.

“I’m sorry Iris,” I say as I pick up my horde of textbooks.

I can see Iris bite down on her lower lip while tightly grasping the hem of her skirt before she finally speaks up, “...Edmund it was my fault to begin with, I shouldn’t have yelled in your ear. Tripping on coffee beans is no excuse to be a douche.”

I try to suppress the rather large smile creeping over my face, so walk over to where my girlfriend was standing and ruffle her hair to divert her attention away. Iris blushes a bit and looks away as I do so, but she makes no attempt to remove my hand. As the adopted son in a family of werewolves I had mastered the art of head pats, so I knew for a fact that Iris absolutely adored it when I stroked her pretty little head.

“You know I hate it when you treat me like a child,” grumbles the tiny monoeye as she fidgets around.

“Why don’t I make dinner tonight to patch things between us?” I say as I continue to stroke her head, “I still got some of that tortellini you love so much in the fridge.”

“No I already finished cooking while you were out TA’ing for Professor. Hodgkin's.” she grumbled, “plus I know you’ve got that necromancy thesis to finish up.”

“Don’t worry about that, I finished that about a week ago! All I’ve really got to do is do my defense and I’ll have my doctorate in necromancy!”

“Ergh, please tell me that your defense doesn't involve you turning into a lich....” shudders Iris as she starts heading towards our kitchen, “The thought of you turning into a woman just gives me the creeps.”

 “No real point in that,” I answer as I follow her, “Just the fact that I’m awakened extends both my youth and my life to monster levels. So turning myself into a lich would be pretty pointless. Besides my specialization was in communication with lower spirits not in reanimation! Anyways, what did you make for tonight?”

“Braised some pigs feet in soy sauce, stir fried some bok choy with wood ear mushrooms, then fried some eggplants with dou ban jiang.”

“Ahh, more Chinese food. You’ve been getting really good at making that you know,” I speak as I begin clearing our dining room table of my laptop and our collective horde of textbooks and magic tomes.

“Well since the other member of our esteemed household is an expert in western dishes I decided to take the eastern hemisphere,” smiles Iris as she begins placing the dishes and the unplugged rice cooker onto our dinner table, “plus Asian food is always great with the rice made with the rice cooker you got me for Christmas.”

As the two of us finish tabling for dinner, we sit down and close our eyes in brief prayer of thanks for our food before we start digging in. I was raised by a strict religious household until I was about eight so the old habit of giving grace kind of stuck with me. Iris on the other hand had been just mirroring me for some strange reason.

“Anyways,” I ask with a mouthful of eggplant and rice, “I do remember hearing one important detail from when you were tripping out on caffeine.”

“Don’t speak with your mouthful,” glares Iris as she points at me with her chopsticks, “and I’m sure none of my fun facts about coffee were all that important, I pretty much got them all from google.”

“Sorry,” I apologize as I swallowed my food, “You said something about someone stealing your plushy.”

“Oh yeah,” she replies ,“SOMEONE STOLE MR.TOROTEI FROM ME AND THEY MUST PAY!!!!”

I stare blankly at Iris for a few seconds before she blushes and sits back down.

“Personally I think you may have misplaced it,” I say as I shovel more pork into my face, “let’s go through your day together we might get a clue to how you lost Mister T.”

Iris shrugs as she also sets down her chopsticks, “Alright then, I get home early since NEC-037’s lab was canceled today. I walk home to get dinner started but end up working up a lot of sweat so I leave put my dress and Mr.Torotei into the washer as I shower. I finish up my reading for that ethics class while I braised the pork. Once the pork was at an even boil, I went to go hang up the laundry on the balcony to dry. After that I finish cooking and go to pick up the dried laundry. Around then I realize Mr. Torotei is missing and start panicking. Then you come in and we know the rest of the story.”

“Did you use the little plastic circle thingy with alligator clips on it to hang Mister T?”

“Yes I did, why do you ask?”

I sigh deeply as I placed my hand on my forehead, what I was going to say certainly wasn’t going to be any sort of good news.

“Well I hate to tell you this but thing’s a bit janky, the weight of Mister T may have cause one of the alligator clips to snap off and fall off the balcony.”

Iris blankly stares at me before her head clunks unceremoniously against the our dining room table. She just lies there for a few seconds before she starts to sniffle. This was no good, I knew for a fact that Iris had had that plushie ever since she was a little girl and she carried it everywhere. It was a gift from her mother and it also kind of served as a family crest for her people. Needless to say it was something of great importance to her. I quietly stand up and kneel behind her chair before wrapping my arms around her and nuzzling the top of her head. She shudders as she tries to hold back the tears before they just spill out. Big wet and heavy tears begin rolling out from her single big eye and over her pretty little face.

“D-d-damn it,” she sobs, “I know it's stupid and childish to c-cry over a lost toy at my age but that stupid thing meant a lot to m-me.”

I stay silent and just listen to her vent while I tenderly stroke her hair. Eventually, she soon slips out of her chair and wraps her arms around me best she could while burying her face into my chest, taking long deep breaths. Iris would never admit it but I knew that my scent really calmed her down. I let her just lie on my chest for a few minutes before I made up my mind and spoke up.

“Iris,” I whisper while slowly running my hand through her long black hair, “I’m a magician remember, I can use my magic to help you find Mister T.”

“B-b-but your license only allows you to use your magic for research,” sniffed Iris as her large red eye rolled up to look at me, “if anyone finds out you used magic inappropriately you could get in big trouble!”

“Bah, magic is meant to make people happy. And if I can’t even make the woman closest to me smile with my spells, I would consider that an improper use of my magic. Besides it’s not like I’m attempting to figure out the lotto numbers or create an army of undead skellies.”

Iris’ arms somehow wrap around me tighter as she presses her face as hard as she could into my chest, “Thank you thank you thank you thank you so much Edmund!”

“Woah woah Iris, thank me after I find Mister T!”

Iris blushes as she lets go of me, “Well I certainly have some good ideas how to thank you.”

I cough a little bit in embarrassment before I sit up and pull out a small pocket knife. I take a pig foot and place it onto a ceramic plate in front of me then run my knife over the top of my hand letting a long line of red blood form on top of it.

I close my eyes and let the mana flow through me before I speak, “Spirit of the dead I bring an offering of life and sustenance to you. Heed my call and help me find guidance.”

A cool wind blows over and the spirit of a dead pomeranian appears before me. Seems to me it was the spirit of the dog that belonged to the kobold and human couple next door. The yappy spirit of the pomeranian hops over to me and licks the blood on my hand.

“Is it wrong that I was expecting something a little more imposing?” whispers Iris in my ear.

“Meh, beggars can’t be choosers. Besides dogs are great at finding things! Aren’t you boy!”

The dog spirit yips in agreement as it chases its tail. I then place my forehead against the dog’s as I projected information of Mr.Totorei into its head while also creating a mental link with it. The dog’s tail wags quickly a few times as the information solidifies into its incorporeal brain before it gives an excited yip and flies off. I then enter the lotus position and close my eyes as I enter a deep trance.

As my mind sinks down into darkness I am soon greeted by the senses and the thoughts of the tiny pomeranian spirit.

I flew around the building a few times before I landed behind the building. I lifted up my nose and try to catch wind of that scent that was projected into me earlier by master. It is very very close. I scamper around the garden before suddenly my target comes into view. The black plushy of a black sun with an eye in the middle of it was lying on top of some rose bushes. I yip in excitement as I have completed my task, then lie back down onto the ground for a good rest.

“Aha!” I exclaim as I snap out of my trance.

“That certainly was quick,” Iris replies

“Well that was because we certainly were in luck, Mister T didn’t fall too far from the apartment complexes. In fact he’s in the rose bushes out back.”

Iris immediately stands up and bolts as fast as she could out to door.

“My my,” I say to no one in particular as I sit back down to command the pomeranian spirit back to the other side, “there she goes.”

~~~~~~

As I put the leftover of dinner into tupperware containers and into the fridge, I suddenly am greeted to the familiar sound of Iris’ platform boot tip tapping noisily down the hallway. Next I hear the sound of Iris slamming open the door. I turn around to see my tiny monoeye girlfriend panting while tightly clutching her old plushie against her chest. She saunters up to me before she speaks.

“...Edmund...” she whispers, “come closer.”

I place a tupperware container of soy sauce braised pig’s feet into the refrigerator then walk towards her and lean a little closer.

“.....closer....” she whispers while continuing to stare at me with that beautiful eye of hers.

I get on my knees, we are now face to face. I stare deeply into her ruby red eye peering into her soul as she stares straight back at mine. She reaches out to me and rests her long white fingers onto the temple of my glasses. Then her pretty pink lips rush towards mine and she quickly pecks me on the lips.

“I love you Edmund. I love you so very much,” she smiles.

“I love you too,” I say while blushing a little...

......okay I was blushing a lot.

“Now let me show you that,” she said while giving me what could be classified as bedroom eye. Then she leans up to my lips again, this time sticking her tongue in my mouth.

Needless to say neither of us managed to get a lot of sleep that night.