How Far Chapter 6: Life of Hana

	The quiet of the library has always been a welcome feeling to me. Being able to get away from everything and just sit and read in the soft summer evening light had been a way for me to escape, and sometimes I would get so lost in a book that I could forget everything that’d happened until Ms. Yuuko would come and tell me she was closing down. Now? I can’t get my mind off of everything if I wanted. I brush a lock of my long purple hair out of my eye absentmindedly as I turn towards the bespectacled girl sitting next to me. She’s typing away furiously at her laptop with information about the trip her, Naomi, and I are going on throughout Japan. We’ve been going over locations we want to all go and see, and we might be passing by Hokkaido… although now the memories might be more sad than they were happy just a few weeks ago. Lilly is leaving for Scotland tonight and Hisao… He might as well be gone too with way that he looked this morning. I had originally sat down at his table with him before I had noticed he had fallen asleep, and I came back to my corner to give him some space. That’s all he needs, right?

	You know how feeling alone is more than anyone, you think he wants that? My mind lashes out at me, something it’s been doing since I left him standing there last night. What was I supposed to do? He just stood there not saying anything I couldn’t just… I couldn’t even sleep last night. I had lost my best friend and now I seemed to have lost Hisao as well…

	“Natsume?” I ask with blurry, tired eyes. I want nothing more than to just go and lay down now, I’ve had enough of today already. She looks up from her laptop but somehow manages to keep typing. She types quickly too, but she stops as she seems to notice I’m still staring at her fingers.

	“Hehe, sorry Hanako. I guess I just can’t stop writing if I try.” She laughs as if she’s told the joke a hundred times, but I find myself giggling at it. She really is a good writer, and the newspaper club is lucky to have her. “So, what’s up?” she asks.

	I feel myself a becoming a bit fidgety, but I know that’s just my nerves. They haven’t been bothering me as much lately, but I can still feel myself getting worked up occasionally. Natsume is your friend, I’m sure she will understand wanting to call it an early night. Even if it is super early. “I was ju-just thinking…” I say, trailing off as I hear a loud bang at the front of the library.

	Natsume cocks her head quizzically and we can hear the footsteps of somebody running down the aisle towards the back and I feel fear tensing up in my body. The library closes early today, who would come barging in and running back here? My heart skips a beat thinking it might be Lilly, but I don’t think I’ve ever even seen her run. Sure enough, my hopes are squashed when Naomi sprints around the bookshelves and runs right towards us.

	“Naomi? Is everything ok?” Natsume asks.

	“What are you still doing here!!? Haven’t you heard about what’s been happening!?” Naomi’s usually loud voice seems amplified with how silent the rest of the library is. Natsume looks over at me and I look back, “We’ve been here all afternoon…” she says. I look at my watch and see that it’s a little after 1:45pm.

	Naomi looks straight at me and stops, and for a moment she looks fidgety. She bites her lip, as if mulling over what to say.

	“You and Nakai are friends, right?”

	A pang in my chest as I feel the familiar sense of panic rising.

	“Why!?” I say with a little more force than I mean to. Naomi looks to Natsume, and Natsume nods, urging her on.

	“Well, he and that Ibarazaki girl nearly fell off the roof and died just a little bit ago.”

	I can see Naomi going on, using hand motions along with her, but I don’t hear her. It’s as if I have gone deaf, but I can hear myself breathing. Natsume must have asked her something because they’re talking back and forth rapidly. The breathing becomes more rapid and shallow, and it feels like I can hardly breathe at all.

	You know what’s happening, it’s a panic attack. You can control it!

	The image of Hisao standing on the ledge of the roof is all I can see

	Count backwards from ten, like you practiced. You can do this

	He standing there, looking out over me. I’m at the bottom of the building below him.

	Ten… Nine… come on Hanako

	The wind blows his messy hair forwards, as he stands motionless like a statue

	Eight… Seven… you can beat this

	He finally moves, his leg pushing forward

	Six… Five… Everything is-

	He falls.

	Four… Three… just stop-

	His hair is swept back across his head as he plummets to the earth. His arms spread out ahead of him and I can see his eyes as he rapidly approaches the ground. They’re the same as when he had his attack in Hokkaido, or when he faltered on the roof. Filled with fear.

	He slams into the ground with a sickening crack and his body bounces slightly, twisting at an impossible angle. He lands face up directly at my blood covered feet

	Two… One

	He looks just like Dad.

	A hand on my shoulder shakes me back to reality and I feel the wetness on my eyes and see the concerned looks of Natsume and Naomi.

	Natsume reaches out for my shoulder but I back away more out of habit than anything.

	“Hanako? Are-“

	I’m gone before she finished the question, and I’m running through the library. I smack into Yuuko as she comes out of a side passage but I don’t even slow down as she hits the bookshelf. I don’t care about Yuuko, I don’t care about myself, I only care about-

	BANG! The doors slam open as I hit them at a full sprint, and I’m across the hall and down the stairwell before they close shut. Sprinting through the school, I run by a red headed girl in the main hallway. She say’s something, but I don’t stop. I have to get to him.

	I find the front door and am outside in moments. I run straight, but I realize I don’t have any idea where I’m going. I don’t care, I just need to find him. As long as I find him, everything will be alright.

	Please be alright.

	I stop, forcing myself to take a breath and think. I’m standing in front of the school facing the entrance. I bend over gasping for breath, trying to get the image of his broken body laying beneath me out of my head. Alright, so if he nearly fell off the roof, that means he’s alright now. But his heart… He might be at the nurse’s station. Look there.

	I’m about to turn and hurry back to the nurse when I hear the front gate creek open. I turned and I can see Hisao walking inside of the grounds. He has his 'lost in thought' face on, something that’s never really far away. He’s ok. He’s really ok.

	I feel fresh tears forming in my eyes but I can’t move. I can’t stop picturing him like he was in my mind, how different he looked from that.

	He notices me staring at him and he goes from thinking to confusion to concern in mere moments. “Hanako? Are you al-”

	Before he can finish I feel a sob break from my mouth and I charge across the court yard and throw myself at him. Tears come unrestricted now.

	You’re ok, you’re ok, thank god you’re ok.

	I try to speak, say anything, but it just comes out as sobbing. He has his arms wrapped around me and my face is buried in his chest. He’s stroking my hair with his hand, something Lilly used to do when I was upset, and I just wish she was here too. I want Lilly to come back.

	I want my family back.

	Slowly, I feel the tears stop. Hisao is holding me close, and he’s whispering something. “Everything’s ok Hanako, everything’s alright.”

	It’s not alright, I lost my sister and I nearly lost you too.

	I want to say something, anything, but it’s just more tears and he keeps whispering to me. After a minute, I feel the tears start slowing down and my breath begins steadying. Slowly, Hisao backs away from me, but keeps one arm around me and guides me towards the dorms. Only then do I notice the other students looking on, and I push myself closer into Hisao with tears still dripping. He waves a few of them away without a word and keeps walking.

	I stop sobbing as we reach the girl’s dorms and I see Misha walking out with a backpack. She looks at us and starts walking up, but Hisao waves her away too. She looks at him and nods, and walks away. Good, I don’t want people to see me like this. I don’t want people to see me at all. I feel sick as we walk up the stairs.

	I tried so hard to not be noticed and I freaked out, now people will remember me as the crying freak. I want to be better. Why can’t I just be normal?

	As we reach my dorm, Hisao turns to me and hugs me. “We’re gonna go in and talk ok? Just us.” I nod, and fish the key from my pocket. I place it in its slot and turn it. The door opens before us and we enter the room. I plop onto the bed and I just feel so tired now. I’m so tired of everything.

	Hisao sits next to me, and I lean against him. He strokes my hair again, just like Lilly used to do. I miss her so much.

	We sit like that for a while in quiet except for when I occasionally sniff my nose. It feels so runny after crying. I feel better though.

	I needed to cry.

	Hisao yawns quietly and gently pulls me into a hug and places his chin on top of my head. Whispering, he asks, “Feel any better?”

	I nod, but when I open my mouth to say yes it doesn’t come out. Instead, I say “I’m sorry.” He doesn’t react for a moment, but then he gently holds me away and looks down on me. He’s face is confused and goofy looking. I might laugh if things were different.

	“That’s… not what I was expecting. Why would you be sorry?”

	“I…” I trail off, not sure what to even really say. “I s-sat by you earlier today, but you were asleep so I thought you would like to be… to be…” I feel anxiety closing off my airway, but he sits there patiently brushing my hair and nods for me to go on. “To be left alone. If I hadn’t left you, you might have never gone to the roof, and you wouldn’t have slipped and…” I can’t talk as the image of his broken body flashes in my mind again and I grab him tightly, pulling myself close to him.

	He makes a humming sound, and I look at him confused. He sounded just like Lilly when she knew something but didn’t say it, and sure enough there’s the same smile she has. “Do you think I slipped on the roof, Hanako?”

	The way he says it is strange, like that’s not what had happened.

	“Umm... Y-yes?” He chuckles lightly and pulls me close again.

	“I didn’t slip. Actually, the person I was with did. Emi and I were having lunch and she… well long story short, she was shaking the fence and fell over the edge. I was barely able to grab her in time and pull her back up.”

	What? Emi was the one who fell? I realize now that Naomi had said something about Emi, but I had completely forgotten about it… or maybe I just didn’t pay attention cause I was so worried about Hisao. An image pops in my head that makes me giggle.

	“What is it?” he asks, smiling at me.

	“I-I was just thinking… Emi might have been able to pull you back up easier than you could her.” The look on his face makes me laugh out loud, something I’ve been doing more and more lately.

	“Why, I never,” he says, standing up from the bed. He looks at me in mock offense. “Don’t you think I’m strong, Hanako?” He pouts and it makes me laugh again.

	“M-maybe to lift someone as light as Emi,” I respond jokingly. His joking look fades away and he looks a bit nervous for a moment.

	“Well, to be honest, it wasn’t even all of her. One of her prosthetics had fallen off, so she was pretty light hehe.” The image of Emi hitting the ground comes into my head for the first time… her small form broken on the ground

	“So hey,” he says, and tilts my chin to look at him. “Don’t apologize. If anything, we should be grateful things happened how they did, who knows what might’ve happened to her if I hadn’t gone.” He lets his hand fall, and I can see him look downwards. “Heh, if things had gone differently, Emi might be in a morgue rather than a wheel chair.”

	Even knowing he was joking, it falls flat and I don’t really know how to respond. I get up and hug him, just wanting to be with him.

	“You’re all I have left,” I whisper to him. “I couldn’t bear to lose you too.”

	He sighs, placing his arm on my head. I can see just how tired he looks right now, almost like he’s going to fall over. “I’m not all you have, Hanako. You still have Lilly, you always will have her.” He looks sad, like he did last night when he watched her go. I feel himself pulling away from me, and I know I have to let him go.

	“I need to get some rest, I didn’t sleep very well last night. We can talk more tomorrow Hanako.” He walks over to my door and slides it open, but stops and looks back and I can see he has a big grin on. “Goodnight, sweet dreams.”

	He’s faking it.

	He walks out the door-

	Are you really going to let him leave?

	-and starts sliding it shut

	“Wait!” I feel myself rising from the bed so fast it hurts my head. He stops and stares inside, the door barely open wider than his head.

	He stands there, looking at me, and I don’t know what to say.

	Invite him to travel with you across Japan!

	“Wo-would y-you…” I can’t get the words out, and he yawns. I can see the bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, and I know that I can’t ask him. “Would you give me one more hug.” He stands there for a moment, but then slides the door open and hugs me tightly. I squeeze him hard, knowing that in a few days I would be gone and he would be… I don’t really know where.

	“No matter how far away she is, you’ll always have her too,” I whisper to him “She would do anything for us, and she’s only as far away as we let her be.” I squeeze him tightly one more time and as we break away I see a legitimate smile on his face.

	“You’re right Hanako, she is. Goodnight.”

	He steps out into the hall and closes the door behind him, and I can hear his footsteps fade down the hall.

	I sit down on my bed, laying back into the pillows. I check my phone and see its 2:17. It’s only been a half hour sense the library. It feels like much longer.

	My mind turns to Naomi and Natsume, who no doubt I’ll have to talk to about what happened today. That’s ok though, they’re my friends. I consider calling Lilly to tell her about all that’s happened today, but I don’t want to worry her. The last thing she needs before her late night flight is some last minute panic.

	I’ll call her tomorrow, like we promised.